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Was it supposed to be relieving?

1David1

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Coming out. Was it supposed to be relieving? I feel kind of sick to my stomach. I came out to a friend. He was OK about it, just changed the subject, but you can still see some disgust/weirdness on his face and there was an uncomfortable feeling all around even though he talks as if everything's fine. It was so hard and at the end left me feeling worse than before, not "free" or anything. I just feel exposed.

I feel like I'm more likely to tell him "just kidding!" tomorrow than tell him about a guy I like. Any cheering up would do at this point...I really tried to make a step forward but it doesn't feel like it at all. :(
 
It can be nerve-wracking, especially if the person you're coming out to needs some time to process the info. Remember - you've had years (probably) to come to grips with your homosexuality. When he gave you that look, he had about ten seconds. He at least said the right things - everything's fine. Given a bit of time, he'll process that information, and everything will probably be back to normal.

...THEN you can feel relieved. :) The relief comes in not having to hide things anymore. You don't have to pretend to ogle girls, or play "pronoun games" when you've started seeing "someone" (rather than "a guy").

Lex
 
It may not seem like it, but coming out is for the best. You'll be glad you did in the long run.
 
Yeah, but he's not family and he's not my fiancee. It shouldn't be such a big deal. The atmosphere shouldn't change. It wasn't technically a big deal but knowing he's narrow minded makes it a bigger deal for me.

I'm not hiding things anymore but I don't feel like it will be possible for me to share things either. It's not all about him. I'm trying hard to be content with the fact I'm gay. So I try to go to gay clubs/bars (and freeze), try to meet guys, try to come out... but nothing feels normal. Nothing helps me to make a real step forward.
 
Gay clubs and bars aren't for everyone. Being gay doesn't have anything to do with the scene.

If your friend is truly narrow minded (which he may not be, some just need a bit to process the "gay thing") then he really is not worth your time.
 
David,

Don't worry, it gets easier. After a period of time you don't even think about it. I went through those same kinds of feelings. I came out and then went right back in, and it took me four years to deal with it. Looking back it was a lot of wasted time when I could have just been happy. Something else... don't try to second guess what your friend is feeling. His initial reaction may have just been one of shock, not knowing what to say. Maybe he feels that you've been lying to him about being straight and he feels betrayed. Maybe he's had a gay experience and he's scared you somehow know about it. There are a million different things he could have been thinking at that moment and the only person that will ever really know is him. He could have easily told you to buzz off, or that he couldn't be your friend anymore. But he didn't. So give him some credit. Even if he's homophobic and has a hard time, he met you half way and that's a good thing.
 
Yeah, but he's not family and he's not my fiancee. It shouldn't be such a big deal. The atmosphere shouldn't change. It wasn't technically a big deal but knowing he's narrow minded makes it a bigger deal for me.

I'm not hiding things anymore but I don't feel like it will be possible for me to share things either. It's not all about him. I'm trying hard to be content with the fact I'm gay. So I try to go to gay clubs/bars (and freeze), try to meet guys, try to come out... but nothing feels normal. Nothing helps me to make a real step forward.

Hi David,

In some ways it may feel like you've got a stone in your shoe that just won't go away but really, you have just taken the first step in slaying Golliath!

While it was many years ago and the dinosaurs were still roaming the lands, I remember the gay feelings I had and how I had to put on a mask to hide the real me. When I'd go to the beach or play softball, baseball, or volleyball, I wouldn't be looking at the girls but instead would be trying to gain glances of the guys. I kept putting on those masks one over the other and they included getting married, getting involved in my church, job and career. The masks got so heavy that they were pulling my head down when I walked; it was really not possible to hold my head high because I was not comfortable with who I was and what I was. It seemed like I spent more time in denial than I did of accepting myself.

When I made the decision to come out, it started with talking to a couple guys on this site and they encouraged me to go to a club/bar (one suggested a bathhouse which is a whole 'nother story!) Because of my involvement in and around where I lived in West Michigan, I was forced to go to Chicago for my "do or die" weekend. Actually it wasn't so far from that because I was gaining weight (I've lost 60 pounds since coming out in 2 1/2 years) and I was praying for a heart attack or thinking of suicide.

Like you, my friends would not accept me as a gay man (nor my wife at the time, probably!) I was president of a state association of managers and we had a member come out at about this time with whispers, murmurs, and lots of back sticking. I was fearful of being discovered; I was fearful if I stayed in. I went to Chicago and did the bar scene. Now I had not been in many bars (my ex wife did not like to dance and was originally Baptist so that was not much comfort, either) in years and so I was a bit nervous anyway. Add to that I was in my mid (okay getting closer to late) 40's. Would I be accepted? Would guys find me attractive? Was I too old to be doing this and so should I just die in the closet? All those thoughts and more raced through my head.

I went first to the bathhouse and had an all new awakening. While some people give horror stories, I met the sweetest guy and we have been friends ever since (I just talked to him). I found out I was apparently attractive and guys liked me. I also found out my sexual appetite was returned. When I went to the dance club, I felt like the guy with two proverbial "left feet." An extremely handsome 23 year old came up and asked me to dance; we did; we kissed; he groped; I was shocked (but pleasantly); and we had a great evening. I was asked to dance by a couple other guys.

I was offered and accepted this job less than 2 weeks later and was worried all over again. It is interesting when going to the clubs that guys seem to be able to tell if you are comfortable with yourself or not. As I've looked at guys, it has been that way.

I actually met a lot of gay guys playing in a gay touch football league on Sunday. I was suddenly invited to a number of parties; when I went to the clubs I would always run into one or more of them and we could at least "hang out." It was really a comfort because it does get lonely otherwise standing in a club by yourself...I know. I agree that really getting to meet other guys outside the clubs and scene helped when I did go there.

It has been more than 2 years and I am still taking the masks off. My kids, my step-kids, family and my best friend. My best friend said it really didn't matter although between moving, his getting remarried, and distance....we really talk very little now. I've made new friends and am always happy to meet more; it's one reason I have taken guys to lunch that I've met on this site and introduced them to the football team as well as other groups. I know what it is like to be finding your way and it isn't like Christmas morning that you wake up, rip off all the layers, masks, and paper; shout I"M GAY!" and live happily ever after.

Try to find someone you can talk to either through this site, a PM, or at some function. There are gay men's health clinics in which I have helped and met super guys. I've met a number of them working with agencies here in DC and other places. It'll help and be less lonely if you at least have someone to dump out your feelings on. I think sometimes it's just knowing you aren't the only one like you out there in the big world!

It will get easier and I think in the long run you'll find that out. You are young and you have your whole life ahead of you!
 
Yeah, but he's not family and he's not my fiancee. It shouldn't be such a big deal. The atmosphere shouldn't change. It wasn't technically a big deal but knowing he's narrow minded makes it a bigger deal for me.

I'm not hiding things anymore but I don't feel like it will be possible for me to share things either. It's not all about him. I'm trying hard to be content with the fact I'm gay. So I try to go to gay clubs/bars (and freeze), try to meet guys, try to come out... but nothing feels normal. Nothing helps me to make a real step forward.

Of course the atmosphere changed! In impact, unless he'd figured it out already, it's like he's had this Porsche, then one day when he opens the hood... there's the engine from a VW bug. It's a shock.

Be open-minded about him being narrow-minded. First, he might not be; second, people change; third, friends can overcome that. My best buddy knew who/what I was before I did, but he's 'way up there on the narrow-minded scale: he moved to where gays get lynched, blacks chased away, Hispanics "encouraged" to "move along", Orientals treated worse than stray dogs -- and he loves it there. And in the two-plus years I've been out, he's gotten to where he can make jokes about me finding a guy cute... or once, when I texted him that I had to go to a job, he sent back, "U haf2 go do a blow job?"

Be thankful, too. Most of my friends and acquaintances, I never told -- word just spread. Now in my home town almost all of those people walk by me like I don't exist. It took me a while to realize that the ones who stuck are treasures -- so in a couple of weeks, when he's still around, tell him you appreciate him immensely, because he might have just left, and he didn't. Buy him coffee, or a beer, or a burger, or whatever, and tell him he's showed he's a real friend.

I know; in that situation a couple of weeks can sound like forever. You'll be suffering doubts, confusion, anxiety, when you wanted freedom, a lighter heart, and even joy. But I can tell you: it will come.
I was out for months, almost every former friend and acquaintance lost, almost my whole family having dissed me and walked out when I went to my mom's for Christmas, making myself go to gay bars and events out of sheer determination, before I even felt like any of that was okay. I can still remember the moment when I felt welcome, like it was not just okay to be going to a gay bar but it was my right, and my right to enjoy it as much as to enjoy diving into the face of a breaking wave or kicking back at the library to check out a good book or trying to put five rounds in a one-inch circle from fifty yards or build a snowman with two heads... or anything ordinary to weird. I can remember the "Live with it!" moment when I switched from being nervous and uncertain about what people thought to knowing it wasn't my problem, but theirs.
I'd never thought those moments would come. They did.
Heck, I never thought I'd reach the point of thinking the word "date" in connection with a guy without feeling guilty! It did.
And I never thought I'd manage to think that one guy calling another guy "boyfriend" was just fine. It did.
I most definitely never thought I reach the point of connecting myself with the word "boyfriend", as in, "I'd like to have a boyfriend", and especially not "I think he'd make a great boyfriend". But those came, too.

I'm not suggesting your path will lie along that same sort of route, in specifics. But it already lies along that sort of path, in themes: you will expect some things, and agonize over them not happening. You won't expect some things, and will agonize -- or delight! -- that they come and catch you by surprise. You will have hopes that nearly die because fulfillment is so long delayed. But the transformations will come, the freedom will bubble up, the joy will ambush you.

You know, the atmosphere changes all the time, around you. The difference is that it changes gradually, in ways you've become comfortable with. This is no gradual change, but getting comfortable with it, on your part and on friends' parts, has to be gradual. Sure, some people will go through the shock in a few seconds, some overnight, but many will take longer. Some will grow a bit distant, others will grow closer, others will just keep along as before.
But the thing is to honor yourself. Don't retreat. It's said that change comes from within, but so does steadfastness, what Mark Twain (IIRC) called "stick-to-it-iveness". You've stood up for yourself -- be steadfast. You declared a part of your identity -- stick to it. Own yourself (no one else does unless you let them), and don't back off and return to the games from before.

Stick to going to the gay bars and stuff, too. Once upon a time, going off to school every day didn't feel normal, either. But as you kept doing it, that feeling changed. If you're not having any luck meeting guys, don't sweat it or stress; at this point, be proud of yourself for being out there where guys can meet you; be proud of claiming territory that you have a right to claim.
It might even help to drop by a gay bar for simpler things, too -- have lunch, grab a snack, just go and have a drink and sit there and think to yourself, "I belong here. I have every right to be here. I have every right to be me."

And when your friend senses that confidence, and that you're not going to treat him differently, odds are -- especially if you're college age or so, which I'm guessing is the case -- he'll return to feeling comfortable with you.

Those are steps forward, feel them or not. Hang tough, and the feelings will catch up.
 
Thanks for everyone's input. The last few days have been extremely stressful and I'm still not sure where I stand, so it sure helps hearing some similar experiences that have turned out OK. If he's not fine with that, it's not the end of the world for me. I just want to feel any positive change at this point and I don't know what I can do that I haven't tried yet.
 
Thanks for everyone's input. The last few days have been extremely stressful and I'm still not sure where I stand, so it sure helps hearing some similar experiences that have turned out OK. If he's not fine with that, it's not the end of the world for me. I just want to feel any positive change at this point and I don't know what I can do that I haven't tried yet.

You may not get a positive feel for a while. Focus on the fact that you made a positive change: however things go, you made a positive change.

As a mentor two decades my junior told me one month (over, and over), "It's not about them -- it's about you". Your feelings tend to reflect "them"; it's the way we get wired in this society/civilization -- we lean a lot on how others react to us. But as a very good movie put it, "It just doesn't matter"; what matters is that you did something that's a step forward, a positive change.

If your feelings don't cooperate, give 'em a kick in the behind.
 
I don't think it's supposed to be a relief - it's not 'supposed' to be any which way in particular. Coming out is not a one-off thing - it's simply the first step in a process that lasts a lifetime. If the first step was easy then there'd be no such thing as - and no need for - coming out.

We come out because we want to experience ourselves as authentic, whole and integrated. Staying in means lying to ourselves in order to conform to the expectations of others.
 
I don't think it's supposed to be a relief - it's not 'supposed' to be any which way in particular. Coming out is not a one-off thing - it's simply the first step in a process that lasts a lifetime. If the first step was easy then there'd be no such thing as - and no need for - coming out.

We come out because we want to experience ourselves as authentic, whole and integrated. Staying in means lying to ourselves in order to conform to the expectations of others.




A nod of agreement from me.
 
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