Weird erectile problems - I'm only 20!

[TonkaTruck]

I've been having this problem where I get with guys and cannot get hard. In fact a lot of times when I know I'm going to be with a guy, I just lose all sense of sexuality period. It's like I become asexual. Last night I was at a club dancing with lots of hot guys and I was totally soft. What is going on!?!? This is super embarrassing and I hope this doesn't haunt me for a long time...

And I am definitely gay. I have no problems getting an erection while looking at porn, no problem masturbating, or anything else. I can't even pee in a urinal next to somebody because I get too hard!

Oh, and I'm only 20. This shouldn't be happening.

Help!

 

[cumwhore]

It sounds like you have too much anxiety when you are 1 on 1 with a guy for sex. You might want to find someone to date first so you feel comfortable with the guy prior to jumping in bed on the first date.

I think that you will find that the sex is better than a one night stand with someone who's name you don't even know.

Try that first...the sex is better that way I can tell you!

 

[G-Lexington]

Welcome to JUB!

Here's what I'm thinking is happening. If you're like most folks (and let's face it - most folks are), you watch a good deal of porn, and jerk off with no problem. Nothing wrong with this, but it CAN sort of set your mind into thinking "this is what sex is". Think about it - say you're watching porn, masturbating, and someone comes home (or is about to enter your room). What do you do? Probably quickly yank up your pants, and switch off the porn. This sort of sets your brain into thinking "Sex is a solitary activity". So when you DO get another guy back to your room, your dick is thinking "Are you kidding? There's another GUY here!"

So what can you do? You might enlist a guy to help try get you over it. (It'll be fun for him, too.) Let him know that you're having performance issues, and so you'd like to enlist his help. You'll get him off however he wants (so long as you're cool with it), and then he can help you. The first time, try something really simple. Lay in his arms, and jerk yourself off - just like you were watching porn. Feel free to close your eyes and imagine your favorite porn scenes, or even watch actual porn if you'd like. He doesn't have to do anything but hold you. You can have him caress you if you'd like, but it might be best the first time if he didn't. See if you can get to orgasm that way. If you can't, that's cool. Stop, thank him for helping, and ask if you can try again soon.

Lex

 

[star-warrior]

I shall move this into the Health and Well Being forum for you

Welcome to JUB,

 

[subobj]

I think Lex's suggestion is great. The only thing I'd add is that performance anxiety (I think what you're experiencing is a form of it -- not the embarrassment you feel when you were dancing with hot guys but still completely soft) tends to feed on itself.

So what I'm trying to get is something like this. There may be a thought process that goes something like:

1) I'm attracted to this guy
2) But what I can't get hard? Oh no, that would be terrible! Not again! Why does this keep happening . . . etc.

The thing is, step 2 has already taken your mind off of the guy and how hot he is. You're no longer thinking about HIM or simply enjoying your arousal. Your brain is now focused on on you worries. And since there's nothing particularly sexy about worries, the arousal you felt starts to go away.

And here's the catch -- you misinterpret your arousal going away as proof that you're having a problem and that worry was justified. Which just makes you worry all the more, which pulls you even further from the sexuality of the moment.

How to break this vicious cycle? Again, I think Lex's suggestions are great. But you might also try to acknowledge that it's happening when it does happen, and remind yourself it's just an anxiety issue and not a sexual or physical issue. In other words, try to return your focus to the moment, and just relax. Easier said than done, I realize, but I'm sure you'll get the hang of it with practice. (Weird concept, practicing relaxing -- but when you're dealing with anxiety, relaxing is exactly what's difficult to do).

 

[TonkaTruck]

Welcome to JUB!

Here's what I'm thinking is happening. If you're like most folks (and let's face it - most folks are), you watch a good deal of porn, and jerk off with no problem. Nothing wrong with this, but it CAN sort of set your mind into thinking "this is what sex is". Think about it - say you're watching porn, masturbating, and someone comes home (or is about to enter your room). What do you do? Probably quickly yank up your pants, and switch off the porn. This sort of sets your brain into thinking "Sex is a solitary activity". So when you DO get another guy back to your room, your dick is thinking "Are you kidding? There's another GUY here!"

So what can you do? You might enlist a guy to help try get you over it. (It'll be fun for him, too.) Let him know that you're having performance issues, and so you'd like to enlist his help. You'll get him off however he wants (so long as you're cool with it), and then he can help you. The first time, try something really simple. Lay in his arms, and jerk yourself off - just like you were watching porn. Feel free to close your eyes and imagine your favorite porn scenes, or even watch actual porn if you'd like. He doesn't have to do anything but hold you. You can have him caress you if you'd like, but it might be best the first time if he didn't. See if you can get to orgasm that way. If you can't, that's cool. Stop, thank him for helping, and ask if you can try again soon.

Lex

It's interesting you say that it might be from masturbating too much... What I have been doing lately (in an effort to try to solve this problem) is saying "OK I'm going to get hard" and then sorta learning to get erect on command by looking at porn. It seems to be helping somewhat (though I havn't really since been in a real-life situation to test the results), because before sometimes I would psych myself out so much that I couldn't get hard even if I was alone watching porn, if I put pressure on myself and tell myself to 'get hard'.

But, do you think this exercise is only doing more harm than good?

Thanks for the help/suggestions so far everyone!

 

[LaughingMan]

I've heard that porn can actually desensitize a person to sex. I don't know how true that is but it makes sense seeing as how watching porn is so passive. A more active way of masturbating is turning the porn off and learn what turns you on the most (mental scenarios and touching yourself).