were you married?

[Auburn]

Since coming out almost 5 years ago, i have met many guys, in their 40s and 50s who were married with children before they came out and decided to live their "true" sexual identities(Seems like damn near every guy i have met in this age range had this experience).I guess its because back when these men were growing up, you had no choice but to conform to societal pressure to marry. I just don't understand why this behavior(gay men marrying women to play straight) still goes on today, even though society is supposedly more open-minded towards gay people.

So my questions are: who all here used to be married before they came out? How did you get through the pain of telling your wife (and kids, if you had any)? Did your kids resent you after you came out? How do you even have sex with some woman you are not attracted to?

 

[confusedboy23]

There are quite a few here that have been married and have had kids too. I can't imagine the pain they must have gond through.

Anyway, I've never married.......

 

[bma1983]

I guess its because back when these men were growing up, you had no choice but to conform to societal pressure to marry.

I don’t agree with this statement. Not unless these men had guns to their heads, I don’t believe they were forced to marry. They had a choice, a very hard choice, but a choice nonetheless.

I admire those men in the past who were honest with their friends, families, and more importantly themselves and came out even with their backs against the wall. Many of these men may have lost their friends and families, but at least they kept their self-respect.

I shake my head whenever I read about these men who say they’re gay after twenty years of marriage and five kids, and then they say they didn’t have a choice.

I'm sorry, but guys who say they're gay and marry women for cover are pathetic.

 

[JayHew]

Pretty heavy and broad blanket you throw there, Bma1983. For someone who wants to be tolerated, you don't seem to be able to extend the same. For one thing, before you trash someone with a general coverall statement, you should walk a mile in their moccasins. There are circumstances, pressures, choices always and each person will respond differently. Outside of killing people or making a concious choice for being a bastard to everyone, there are things that impact and influence people in making choices and they should be tolerated. Perhaps they are not as enlightened as you or may be as selfish as you but there were personal reasons for those choices and though not agreed with, should still be respected.

I was married for 19 years, it was a choice, not forced and something I thought I wanted at the time. As it turned out, it was not sexual orientation that changed the equation but her changing into something that I could no longer relate to or get along with. Thankfully no childern were involved.

It was after the divorce I chose to be who I am now and have a partner with whom I feel very comfortable and love.

 

[colabearbc]

JayHew, you said what I was feeling in a much nicer way than I would in response to BMA1983. Thank you.
I was married for 27 years to a wondeful woman that is still my best friend. Leaving her and telling my 11 year old son was the most difficult thing I have ever done. How do you hurt someone you love? My son lives with my partner and me half time, and we are all great friends.
I suppose I could have made different choices when I was younger, but I wouldn't have had the amazing experiences I have had because of my marriage. I have no regrets, and I also love the life I am leading now.

 

[antdak]

I was raised in a very religious, very homophobic religion, and household. So like ROBERTAC, I married at age 21, it was the think to do. I thought being married, and diving head first into the religion would eventually rid me of the gay feelings. It didn't work. I did love my wife, and we were blessed with one daughter. We were married for 21 years, and she left me for another man. If she had not left, I would still be married, still in the religion, and not happy with my self. But since I had to start my life over, I decided to be true with myself and admit I am gay! btw my daughter is cool with me being gay. She is still living with me! Not sure this answers the questions, but it my story and I'm sticking to it!!

 

[bma1983]

Pretty heavy and broad blanket you throw there, Bma1983. For someone who wants to be tolerated, you don't seem to be able to extend the same. For one thing, before you trash someone with a general coverall statement, you should walk a mile in their moccasins.

I never said I don’t tolerate these men, I just have no sympathy. None at all. And no I will not walk a mile in their moccasins. You couldn’t pay me enough. I personally don’t believe with intentionally lying to people I claim to love. Especially a lie that can do real damage to peoples lives. Other peoples lives are involved when these men decide to get married.

There are circumstances, pressures, choices always and each person will respond differently.

You’re right. And this is when you have to decide whether or not to be a man and be honest.

Outside of killing people or making a concious choice for being a bastard to everyone, there are things that impact and influence people in making choices and they should be tolerated.

Tolerated, yes. Accepted, no.

Perhaps they are not as enlightened as you or may be as selfish as you but there were personal reasons for those choices and though not agreed with, should still be respected.

You call me selfish. That’s fine. I call men who lie to their wives and lust after men behind their backs, or even worse, cheat on them selfish.

JayHew, you said what I was feeling in a much nicer way than I would in response to BMA1983. Thank you.

If you like, you can send me a private message. I have no problem at all with hearing what you have to say.

 

[Auburn]

I was married for 2 years before my wife was killed in a car accident. If I'm totally honest though I marry at such a young age in the hopes that my gay feelings might dissipate with routine straight sex. I just wanted so much to be totally straight and hated any ideal of being gay! I finally had to come to terms with being gay and accepting my sexuality as a part of who I am! Oddly though, I loved my wife very much, but I also love my BF equally as much, it's just that I have found the sex with him far more enjoyable. Technically I would consider myself bisexual, but for more practical reasons I now consider myself gay. Never had any children by my wife, but I did have a daughter out of wedlock who contacted me last years as a fully-grown 18-year-old woman. She was placed up for adoption when I was like 17. I recently told her I was in a gay relationship and she was totally cool about it!

Not exactly what you were looking for, but I generally fit the bill!

I am sorry for the loss of your ex-wife! My heart goes out to you...and i am very glad that you have found true love again. Congrats!

I was raised in a very religious, very homophobic religion, and household. So like ROBERTAC, I married at age 21, it was the think to do. I thought being married, and diving head first into the religion would eventually rid me of the gay feelings. It didn't work. I did love my wife, and we were blessed with one daughter. We were married for 21 years, and she left me for another man. If she had not left, I would still be married, still in the religion, and not happy with my self. But since I had to start my life over, I decided to be true with myself and admit I am gay! btw my daughter is cool with me being gay. She is still living with me! Not sure this answers the questions, but it my story and I'm sticking to it!!

I am glad you could finally come to terms with yourself....ya know, alot of us young gays look up to the older guys as role models! You go, antdak!!

 

[antdak]

You call me selfish. That’s fine. I call men who lie to their wives and lust after men behind their backs, or even worse, cheat on them selfish.

I for one NEVER cheated on my wife! I did tell her of my attraction to men before we got married, she either ignored it, or felt she could change me, either way I felt I totaly honest with her before we got married. Like I said before, if she had not left me, I would still be married. It is since she is gone that I decided to be honest with my self.

 

[JayHew]

bma1983 - I don't put you down for your comments, just ask that you temper them. I know you feel justified in what you feel and think, but what I am about to say is likely to get under your skin a bit more........ you will find when young you take stands of absolute black or white, there being no shades of gray. This comes with having just left a period of time in your life where you were insulated against some rather harsh realities of the world (home, college, etc.). This may or may not be true and is most certainly not true in all cases, but it often is. Through life experiences and finding yourself in "unusual" circumstances, you begin to find that many aspects of life do not fit in a purely black and white world. As you meet people and experience people, some with sharing of their lives, those hard core black and white issues will desolve into shades of gray here and there and over there too.

Be careful that you don't lock yourself so much into your opinions you have no room or ability to change them later. I have found many from my highschool days who as soon as they graduated not only stopped learning by the books, but also by maturing.

Again, not putting you down, but just caution you on placing your intellectual and emotional self in such a position that learning is no longer an option for you. We are after all creatures of habit and once a habit of disallowing other points of view from consideration, it is very hard to recognize or even overcome.

Cheers to you.

 

[bma1983]

bma1983 - I don't put you down for your comments, just ask that you temper them. I know you feel justified in what you feel and think, but what I am about to say is likely to get under your skin a bit more........ you will find when young you take stands of absolute black or white, there being no shades of gray. This comes with having just left a period of time in your life where you were insulated against some rather harsh realities of the world (home, college, etc.). This may or may not be true and is most certainly not true in all cases, but it often is. Through life experiences and finding yourself in "unusual" circumstances, you begin to find that many aspects of life do not fit in a purely black and white world. As you meet people and experience people, some with sharing of their lives, those hard core black and white issues will desolve into shades of gray here and there and over there too.

Be careful that you don't lock yourself so much into your opinions you have no room or ability to change them later. I have found many from my highschool days who as soon as they graduated not only stopped learning by the books, but also by maturing.

Again, not putting you down, but just caution you on placing your intellectual and emotional self in such a position that learning is no longer an option for you. We are after all creatures of habit and once a habit of disallowing other points of view from consideration, it is very hard to recognize or even overcome.

Cheers to you.

Seeing as though you know nothing about my life, don’t patronize me with that “you’re young so you don’t know.” crap. OK. And please don’t assume that my youth is clouding my judgment on this issue. Yes, I do believe that with age comes experience and wisdom, but don’t think that those in their youth aren’t stupid to the facts of this world.

You’re right, in life very few areas are absolute black and white. But in this situation I believe it is. Maybe it’s just me, but even in my youth I believe that marriage is not something to be taken lightly. And should be between two people who truly love each other and between two people who aren’t hiding any secrets. I know it’s idealistic, but hey, that’s the way it should be. Not lying to your fiancé about your hidden feelings for the same sex. You have a choice on whether or not to lie to yourself and the person you are about to dedicate your life to. You have a choice on whether or not you’re gonna be deceitful.

I may be the only one to hold this opinion, so be it, but my opinion on lying to people is not going to change. I wouldn’t want someone to do it to me. So I’m damn sure not going to do it to someone else. Especially someone I claim to love. Because in life you reap what you sew.

Take care.