What am I?

[jackbanta]

Hi, everyone. I'm a 23 year old and I'm really confused about my sexuality. I've never done anything with a man, but I'm really attracted to the idea. The sex with women that I've had has been very unfulfilling (only twice however), and both times I did not finish and had trouble getting aroused. In fact, a woman has never gotten me off in person, although I have had a few times fooling around with a girl where I was aroused, but this was before the clothes came off. The thing that really gets me is that the smell of a girl is very repulsive to me and once when I was going down on one, I almost vomited!

Generally speaking, I like the look of women's bodies and even the majority of porn that I look at is all female. I have no problem getting off by myself. I do find that my orgasms are a bit stronger when I'm looking at gay porn, but I sometimes wonder if I'm a bit crazy because although I think I'm attracted to the male body and the idea of sex with a man, it's the overall thought of being gay that really turns me on. Not bi, mind you, but the thought of giving up women completely. By the time I finish though, I feel silly about it and will generally go back to masturbating to women for awhile. And by awhile, I mean I can go several weeks.

Additionally, I can't say I've ever felt a romantic connection to another man, whereas I have multiple times iwth a girl and all of my fantasies of a relationship involve around getting a girl.

I guess I'm probably just bi, but I'm really worried about my ability to perform sexually with a girl. What is going on?

Thanks for any help you can provide.

 

[HartfordGuy]

Jack, when I was your age I felt the EXACT same way!

Then at 24 yrs old a guy I was chatting with one day asked me over to dinner.

Well, let me tell you. On the way home (after a nice dinner and a blowjob) I was grinning from ear to ear. I was now sure I was going to be happier with a guy than a girl could ever make me feel.

 

[Brad]

generally go back to masturbating to women for awhile. And by awhile, I mean I can go several weeks.

You say you "can" go several weeks fantisizing about only women. Does this mean you force men out of your mind. I've been there ,done that. Missed out on years of great sex in order to do what I was told I should, only to find that thirteen stormy years or marriage and two kids later, I was wasting both our times. Love the kids, but was stupid and too wussy to be gay and kids are no reason to play that game for thirteen years. Forget sexual attraction. I can have sex with anything with a hole in it. Women are hard for even strait men to get along with. They do it because they have to because it is what they need. They end up loving their wives because they have changed into them and then they generally die from the stress of the fight not to lose who they once were. Women are hard work! If you are gay and in denial about it, get over it and save yourself the chaos of conformation and assimilation. If you are the rare dog that has a choise, for God's sake make the simpler one. Society is easier to deal with than responsibility of a woman's emotions. Sure they are pretty. So are most poisonous flowers.

 

[G-Lexington]

What's going on? Nothing much. You're just trying to sort out your sexuality is all.

Are you gay? Maybe.
Bisexual? Possible.
Straight? Could be.

...sorry. That's not a lot of help, is it?

You said you've had problems having sex with a woman. This doesn't necessarily mean you're gay, or bisexual. You may simply not be used to a woman's nether regions and its various sights, feels, smells, and tastes. It could be you simply didn't like the smell of the one you went down on. It's hard to tell without more data.

You say you've had sexual fantasies about men. I think a lot of straight guys do. Sexual fantasies are just that - fantasies. God knows I've fantasized about plenty of things I never plan on doing in real life. It's the fantasy element, and sometimes the "thrill of the unknown" or the "fruits of the forbidden", that make them exciting. You might just be titilated by the idea of "jumping the fence". Hard to say.

How do you find out? Try some things out. Have you ever gone to a gay bar? Not necessarily to pick a guy up (although there's that option), but rather just to feel the vibe. See if you feel comfortable there, or like the interaction you see. That won't necessarily solve things one way or the other - I myself am not crazy about the bar scene, and I'm pretty sure I'm gay - but it might give you another piece to the puzzle.

Just keep your options open, and keep meeting new people. Don't feel the need to slap a label on your lapel just yet. You'll figure things out eventually.

And now...

>>>If you are the rare dog that has a choise, for God's sake make the simpler one. Society is easier to deal with than responsibility of a woman's emotions. Sure they are pretty. So are most poisonous flowers.

Women are not some sort of bizarre alien subspecies. They're human, and as the saying goes, nothing human is beyond my capability to understand. Your comments above, Brad, speak a lot more about you than about women.

Lex

 

[jackbanta]

"Does this mean you force men out of your mind."
I'd have to say, no, not really. I can really go several weeks without a gay thought, and then BAM, it hits me all of a sudden.

My situation is actually even a bit more complex than I explained. I don't think there's any denying that on some level, I'm attracted to the male form, but it never presents itself when I'm out in the world. Like, I've never seen a guy and been attracted to him, it's only in the comfort of my home that I explore such thoughts. Am I repressing things? Possibly, but it seems much more natural to me to see a girl and be like "Wow, she's hot."

Adding to the complication, is that I have to say that I predominately look at lesbian porn or solo girl porn, with actually gay porn being a second, and straight porn very rarely. I think it's possible that my attraction to gay porn is less about the men and more about the actual fucking. I wonder if I didn't look at more straight porn whether my desire to look at gay porn would subside considerably.

Additionally, it also seems like, as I started to explain more, than I get more off on the thought of being gay than the actual act of sex with men. I think this could be because I was rejected pretty constantly by women in my teenage years and becoming gay would almost be a revenge of sorts. Like, sometimes I can be looking at a naked woman and think to myself "I choose to never have sex with this again" and it turns me on more. Also, occasionally when I'm masturbating, I get the urge to come out to some girl on AIM and I actually type something into the chatbox and get ready to hit send until I orgasm. Anyone ever heard of something like this?

I know this is pretty weird, but I've been like this for awhile and never really talked to anyone about it. It's not that I'm here looking for validation for my heterosexuality or anything... in fact, I think I would be pretty comfortable with being solely gay if that was in fact what I was. But when I'm being completely honest with myself, I doubt it. It's the partial bisexuality that's harder for me to come to terms with because I also think part of the attraction to gayness is the dismissing women forever aspect. But like I said, all of these issues only appear every few weeks and I can very easily survive for several weeks at a time only thinking about women, without really suppressing any feelings towards men.

I took the test that I was linked to above, and it said that I was mostly heterosexual, but depending on my frame of mind, I bet the results could be different.

I know that I shouldn't even be trying to label myself, but as I've illustrated above, most of the attraction I have comes FROM the label. It's almost if I couldn't be completely gay, I wouldn't bother.

I find it humorous than somewhat brought up the complexity of women's emotions as a reason to avoid them, as I seem to have more complexity than most women!

I thank you all for your responses and I'd be really interested to know if anyone else goes through anything at all similar to this.

 

[kayman23]

Jackbanta, don't worry about this right now. You sound like you are in fact bisexual. Being bisexual sometimes means your attraction will be with either gender, but not within the same period of time. Sometime I have zero attraction to women and vice versa towards men. Being bisexual simply means you are attracted to both sexes in either a romantic/emotional or sexual way. Just try to things with both sexes to figure what you like and don't like because otherwise you will never know or understand your sexual tastes.

 

[jackbanta]

"I find it humorous than somewhat brought up"

that someone brought up, is what I meant to say.

"Being bisexual sometimes means your attraction will be with either gender, but not within the same period of time. "

So I've heard, but wouldn't such a condition make a dedicated relationship difficult, since your partner at any given time wouldn't be able to satisfy you? And a monogamist relationship is ultimately what I desire more than anything. Sex is a lesser issue for me, although it does have its importance, obviously.

 

[kayman23]

"I find it humorous than somewhat brought up"

that someone brought up, is what I meant to say.

"Being bisexual sometimes means your attraction will be with either gender, but not within the same period of time. "

So I've heard, but wouldn't such a condition make a dedicated relationship difficult, since your partner at any given time wouldn't be able to satisfy you? And a monogamist relationship is ultimately what I desire more than anything. Sex is a lesser issue for me, although it does have its importance, obviously.

Yes, but if you truly care and love the person you are in a serious relationship you are with you will remain faithful to them. However, you must first figure out if you are both romantically and sexually attracted to that individual you are going to pursue a committed relationship with. If you do not feel both for that person, it would be best not to pursue a serious monogamist relationship with them then.

I'll use myself as an example, I am attracted to both genders. However, I usually have to develop feelings for that person before I become sexually attracted to them.

 

[Lube]

My situation is actually even a bit more complex than I explained. I don't think there's any denying that on some level, I'm attracted to the male form, but it never presents itself when I'm out in the world. Like, I've never seen a guy and been attracted to him, it's only in the comfort of my home that I explore such thoughts. Am I repressing things? ...

I thank you all for your responses and I'd be really interested to know if anyone else goes through anything at all similar to this.

OMG, yes, you are repressing things!

This is called denial and it is exactly what I did for 25+ years. It's not pretty. Don't go there.

I had sexual feelings for men since puberty (and probably before), but for some reason I never found a man that I thought I could be romantic/vulnerable/cuddly with. I gave myself all sorts of excuses--they were too queeny or too flamboyant, or sex-obsessed, or too ugly or too dumb or whatever. I was really just denying/repressing my urges.

Woman seemed more 'romantic' and LTR-oriented than any of the gays I had met 20 years ago, before I got married. So I convinced myself I was really str8. I was OK with men being gay, but I wasn't "one of them". Yuk.

It was only in my 40's (again, please don't do what I did) that I found a guy that I thought I could fall in love with (as it turns out, he didn't reciprocate, but the point is that it finally proved without a doubt to myself that I could find a guy that I could love and I no longer had an excuse for "not being one of them," as revolting as that sounds now).

So I, slowly, came out to myself, and came out to the world. And I'm much happier.

There's nothing wrong with loving women, if that's what you truly want.

But there's also nothing wrong with loving men, and there are men out there that want to love and be loved. Just because you haven't found him yet doesn't mean that you're not gay. You don't even have to have sex to know you're gay.

 

[AngelFromAbove]

OMG, yes, you are repressing things!

This is called denial and it is exactly what I did for 25+ years. It's not pretty. Don't go there.

I had sexual feelings for men since puberty (and probably before), but for some reason I never found a man that I thought I could be romantic/vulnerable/cuddly with. I gave myself all sorts of excuses--they were too queeny or too flamboyant, or sex-obsessed, or too ugly or too dumb or whatever. I was really just denying/repressing my urges.

What if he is not repressing anything? Just because that's what you did does not mean that's what he did. From what I gathered from his paragraph, he acknowledges that there is some sort of feeling for men; however, this feeling is not present in everyday life because the urge is not there. I could be wrong though.