What can I do really?

[KaraBulut]

Is it weird that I find it easier to come out to people I'm closest to and that matters the most to me? Like, I think it's gonna be harder to tell not-so-close friends and newer friends than telling that guy.

Something to think about- how did you discover that your no-so-close friends were straight? Did they sit you down and make an announcement? Probably not. It's something that they mentioned or something that they did that relayed this detail about them to you.

For your close friends, it makes sense to have "the talk" with them to tell them that you're gay. For the people that you aren't that close to, it's your business whether you tell them and how you tell them but you aren't under any obligation to do so.

Oh I have another question. 50/1000 is 5% and I've read that the number of homosexuals in the world is around 5% of the population? I know no statistics are 100% accurate but is this a good estimate?

That's one world-view.

It's probably more accurate to say that people have a wide variety of sexual experiences in their life. Somewhere between 5-10% of people consider themselves to be exclusively gay or lesbian. There are people who are exclusively straight. And there's an unknown percentage who live somewhere in between.

But because not everyone lives in a society where being exclusively and openly gay is an option, we don't know exactly how many gay or bisexual people there are in the world.

 

[Telstra]

A few gays in my school have "come out" in the exhibitionism way you described and they set a bad impression. In fact, that guy that I like is a "homophobe" because they came out like that. This is why I do want to come out to him and give him a better perspective on this matter.

I'm glad to hear that the environment plays that big part on the situation too. And at the same time, I know it's not impossible to be honest with everyone, especially with him.

So much on my mind right now! One sibling suggested that I just change schools. Another suggested that I be closeted for now. Another one is simply helping with the getting over part. And the playful one brings up "Telstra-like" comments. xD

Listen to your playful sibling.
Study hard while have some fun with your best friend if he let you to.
If you don't have fun, you can't study either.

 

[Ganoderma]

hi Icarus92,

Thanks for your nice and friendly replies. I hope you will sleep a bit better and that you take enough rest. Definately, you have some sort of tough period right now, but I really hope that people over here at JUB are helpful for you.

Yeah, I think its good to come out soon, and do this bit by bit. So tell your best friends (or the ones who you trust very much) and do this like Karabulut has advised you. And this will not be very easy for most people (except the ones who are very sociable). I tend to think that you must force yourself for a while to tell this to a group of your best friends.

Well, and likely the news will go around, and you don't need to bother as well to 'tell the whole world' (let say all other ppl on the uni) that you are gay. They will find out, and otherwise not. I mean, you don't care.

There are alot of ways how you can tell people that you are gay. All depends from you and from the other one. Some like to do it by e-mail, or text message, others by one-to-one talks. Do you have female friends? Likely, they will have thoughts why you don't have a girlfriend.

Having alot of 'say-hi' gay friends (or joining a queer group at your uni) is another easy way to let people know / assume that you are gay. Maybe there are some gay parties over there? Again, when you visit this kind of events, alot of people will be aware that you have to be gay (so without telling them).

And there is nothing wrong with being gay. I think that's still the issue you are struggling with. Firstly, you need to accept yourself, and be relaxed about your sexual orientation. And don't forget that people are different, so gay guys are also different from each other.

Ofcourse, having a boyfriend is a very easy way to come out. I mean, he will make phonecalls to you, you exchange textmessages with him, he will visit you, or you kiss each other at the uni when meeting each other (same like your straight friends will kiss his girfriend when they meet during lunch), etc etc. Or you have a photo of him on your phone, or that photo is in your book, or at your laptop, etc.

So that 'playful sibling' of you is a guy who likes girls very much? I agree with Telstra that your playful sibling tells you that you need to play with guys. Not with straight ones, but with a gay guy. You might play with straight guys, but only when you are honest to them (= they know you are gay).

Best wishes, and please keep us informed.

 

[Icarus92]

Hey, thanks for the replies KaraBulut and Ganoderma... and Telstra too! And to all the previous posters.

JUB has definitely helped me. This thread itself has changed my perspective on: myself, that guy, coming out, homosexuality in general. My biggest fear and insecurity in life was that people might find out that I'm gay and I tried my best to convince people I was straight. Now, even though I'm not ready to come out to everyone yet, I feel more comfortable with myself and know that I'm not alone in this.

For me, I want to come out in person, and one-to-one. Only exception so far is when I came out to two of my siblings at once, which went pretty well too.

My brother threw a good question at me the other day. He asked(knowing the answer): "If [insert name of the guy that I like] says that he likes you and you get into a happy relationship with him, would you care if everyone else in the world knew you were gay?" and I replied "Of course not". So that also showed me that my unhappiness isn't exactly about my sexuality(although it is what initiated it) but more of my discontentment with that guy.

I am still hurting a lot, missing a lot, and tears still fall. I guess it is a gradual and slow thing.. getting over him. *sigh..

Yeap, the playful sibling is straight(he did say he used to be slightly attracted to guys when he was in highschool but the feeling is now totally gone), and so are all my other siblings. Playing with a gay guy huh? I guess I shouldn't be thinking of that right now seeing as how I haven't even come out yet. xD

I know I've said this in almost all my posts but I still want to say, thank you all for the replies. =)

 

[Rolyo85]

It's about having support base. If you are with him, you will have his support. The thing is, you don't need a boyfriend for that support base. You need friends who know and love you all the same.

 

[Telstra]

By the way, what do you do when you get horny?

At that age, i watch porn all the time and i get hard instantly

 

[Ganoderma]

hi Icarus92,

Thanks for your nice and friendly update. I tend to think that you are a very clever guy, and that you are very good in analyzing your own situation.

You told us: "My biggest fear and insecurity in life was that people might find out that I'm gay and I tried my best to convince people I was straight.".

I tend to think that this quote is a very proper description of your current mental situation.

I would like to tell you that you will also have had more or less the same mental situation shortly before you started to tell your family (parents and all those siblings) that you are gay.

But...... I am rather sure that you feel yourself right now much more comfortable when you are around them (or making phonecalls to them, or whatever). All know you are gay, you have discussed various items with them, and all of them are supporting you. So right now, its Icarus92, the gay sibling who is student at that uni in the US. Right now, they are your support base (as told by Rolyo85). And you will care less who else in that environment will know that you are gay (and might react not too well), as you are sure that your family is backing you. And you can discuss many of these items right now with some of your siblings. That great, and I am sure you are very happy with them.

I tend to think that you should try and do the same at the uni. So open yourself to others, and do it stepwise, beginning with the ones you trust most. And I am quite sure that you will built up some sort of support base, and very soon you don't bother anymore if people around you (so including all your 'say-hi friends') are or are not aware that you are gay.

So what would happen if your fellow students at the uni (well at least several of them) will be aware that the male student Icarus92 (born and raised in Asian country Y) is gay? Please be aware that really homophobic people can never be a real and a good friend of you. How about playing the 'Asian card'? Can you imagine that you would be really good friends with a guy who does not like 'Asians' from the country where the majority of your family is living?

Well, take your time, think about it, and please take enough rest. Why wouldn't there be another sweet gay student over there who would be interested in becoming friends with Icarus92 (or even want to play with you)? But how can he find you when you tell the whole world over there that you are straight?

Best wishes, and feel free to keep us informed.

 

[WyvernLord]

Hi. When you said "they[your feelings] quickly hit a peak", how quickly is quickly? Because throughout the 3 months of a lot of time with this person, my feelings have only gotten stronger. The more I learn of his past, his personality, and even his flaws, the more I like him.

How long have you known him when you actually came out to him? I'm pretty curious. Like I said above, I'm secure that he would still be my friend after I come out to him, but I'm still very hesitant to tell him, and I think it's because I'm afraid of the inevitable changes it may bring, even though they may be very small ones. This would definitely take more preparation than when I came out to my family members! Oh and, even now, it already seem very wrong to me when I have sexual thoughts about him.

Hmm, spending more time huh? Man... to spend time or to cut time, to distract myself, to come out, to have him move in or not... lots to think about. Really can't help but think: "If only he was gay and shared the same feelings".

Oh, I want to say about... 6 months? "Quickly" might have been a misnomer. So yeah, it could take a while longer. But if your friendship means that much to you, you'll realize you need to get over him, and commit to that on a daily basis. Gotta keep reminding yourself it can't happen, painful as it may be. The stinging will lessen over time.

I'd known him almost 3 years, but I had only been friends with him for one of those years.

As far as things changing... not really. Our dynamic hasn't changed a bit. For example, he'd always given me a hard time (playfully of course) about me wearing an apron while I cook (I couldn't possibly allow grease stains on my clothes!). He still does now--the crap talking to each other hasn't changed--but now he might tack on some comment like "Tsk, tsk. Should have been obvious to me." And I will still bitterly defend myself that it is a practical piece of clothing, regardless of sexual orientation!

My revelation didn't affect what we had, it just added a new dimension to our friendship. He has similarly opened up to me more after too.

And I think the "change school" suggestions are a little premature. Everyone deserves a chance. Ignorance is forgivable, hatred isn't (most of the time). I was kinda homophobic before I realized I was gay. I didn't know of anyone gay around me. I had no perspective. You have a chance to give your friend and the rest of the school that. If they still don't cool down their rhetoric when they actually have someone close to them affected by their unkindness, then it might be time to consider an exit strategy.

 

[Icarus92]

It's about having support base. If you are with him, you will have his support. The thing is, you don't need a boyfriend for that support base. You need friends who know and love you all the same.

I see. Thanks. I'm not really feeling this from my family at all. Is it normal that I feel this way? even though they have fully accepted it and are fairly open when talking about it to me.

By the way, what do you do when you get horny?

At that age, i watch porn all the time and i get hard instantly

When I'm horny? Why, I do math and read algebra books of course! I'm Asian. Well actually, since we(me and that guy(let's just call him 'Jason' from now on)) became good friends, I've almost completely stopped watching porn and jerked off a lot less. I think it one of the reasons is that I had a lot less time alone.

hi Icarus92,

Thanks for your nice and friendly update. I tend to think that you are a very clever guy, and that you are very good in analyzing your own situation.

You told us: "My biggest fear and insecurity in life was that people might find out that I'm gay and I tried my best to convince people I was straight.".

I tend to think that this quote is a very proper description of your current mental situation.

I would like to tell you that you will also have had more or less the same mental situation shortly before you started to tell your family (parents and all those siblings) that you are gay.

But...... I am rather sure that you feel yourself right now much more comfortable when you are around them (or making phonecalls to them, or whatever). All know you are gay, you have discussed various items with them, and all of them are supporting you. So right now, its Icarus92, the gay sibling who is student at that uni in the US. Right now, they are your support base (as told by Rolyo85). And you will care less who else in that environment will know that you are gay (and might react not too well), as you are sure that your family is backing you. And you can discuss many of these items right now with some of your siblings. That great, and I am sure you are very happy with them.

I tend to think that you should try and do the same at the uni. So open yourself to others, and do it stepwise, beginning with the ones you trust most. And I am quite sure that you will built up some sort of support base, and very soon you don't bother anymore if people around you (so including all your 'say-hi friends') are or are not aware that you are gay.

So what would happen if your fellow students at the uni (well at least several of them) will be aware that the male student Icarus92 (born and raised in Asian country Y) is gay? Please be aware that really homophobic people can never be a real and a good friend of you. How about playing the 'Asian card'? Can you imagine that you would be really good friends with a guy who does not like 'Asians' from the country where the majority of your family is living?

Well, take your time, think about it, and please take enough rest. Why wouldn't there be another sweet gay student over there who would be interested in becoming friends with Icarus92 (or even want to play with you)? But how can he find you when you tell the whole world over there that you are straight?

Best wishes, and feel free to keep us informed.

Hi, thanks for the reminder that it was the same feeling before I came out to my family. Yes, I do feel I'm myself now, when I'm talking with my family. However, I've only really felt this feeling very recently, even though I came out to my family a year or two ago. I wonder if it would be like that with my friends too if I came out to them? I'm guessing it would.

As I said above, for some reason, I don't feel like my family is a big support base for me now. I know they'll back me up no matter what happens and I'm really happy they would, but it doesn't give me the feeling of "so what if people knows?" Obviously, my fear thing isn't totally gone.

Right now, the most important thing for me is that my close friends, including Jason, would accept me when I come out to them. For some, I already know they would be okay with it, but I'm afraid of the changes it would bring.. a lot of "what ifs" pop into my head just thinking of it.

Yeah, there are some racist people(specifically against Asians) in my Uni and mixing with them is almost impossible. Nothing major though. There are a lot of Sinophiles actually.

Oh, I want to say about... 6 months? "Quickly" might have been a misnomer. So yeah, it could take a while longer. But if your friendship means that much to you, you'll realize you need to get over him, and commit to that on a daily basis. Gotta keep reminding yourself it can't happen, painful as it may be. The stinging will lessen over time.

I'd known him almost 3 years, but I had only been friends with him for one of those years.

As far as things changing... not really. Our dynamic hasn't changed a bit. For example, he'd always given me a hard time (playfully of course) about me wearing an apron while I cook (I couldn't possibly allow grease stains on my clothes!). He still does now--the crap talking to each other hasn't changed--but now he might tack on some comment like "Tsk, tsk. Should have been obvious to me." And I will still bitterly defend myself that it is a practical piece of clothing, regardless of sexual orientation!

My revelation didn't affect what we had, it just added a new dimension to our friendship. He has similarly opened up to me more after too.

And I think the "change school" suggestions are a little premature. Everyone deserves a chance. Ignorance is forgivable, hatred isn't (most of the time). I was kinda homophobic before I realized I was gay. I didn't know of anyone gay around me. I had no perspective. You have a chance to give your friend and the rest of the school that. If they still don't cool down their rhetoric when they actually have someone close to them affected by their unkindness, then it might be time to consider an exit strategy.

6 months huh.. Wonder if mine will be longer or shorter than that. I'm glad to hear that your friendship didn't change much. When someone who knows my sexuality(my family so far) harmlessly makes a joke or teases about things related to me as a gay person, I'm happy because I feel like they are comfortable with it.

I like my school and I don't think I will change it anytime soon, unless, like you said, things go bad after I come out. I want to give Jason a chance too; he is my best friend afterall.


Thanks for the posts and the time put into them!

 

[Rolyo85]

Yeah, it's normal. Family both is, and ISN'T a part of your life. It's there for you for the important things, but not on a day to day basis. That's why you need to tell friends.

 

[Icarus92]

I see.. yeah. Eventually, my siblings would be busier with their own family lives and my parent's would also pass.. it would be hard for me then if I haven't come out at that time. This reason itself dominates over all my excuses of not coming out I guess...

Heh.. I like(not exactly but you'll know what I mean) how I already KNOW what has to be done, what is ultimately good for me, and pretty much how to do them all. Yet, it is so hard, so scary, so much unknown, so much change..

Just a while ago, Jason emailed me. Jason almost never use social networks and I was surprised. It was just a casual email asking about how I was, etc. I couldn't help but feel happy... and so so sad at the same time. Aaaand.. yeap.. tears are falling uncontrollably again. Again, thoughts of "why must it like this?" fill my mind. There is also anger in the mixture.. probably a natural thing that comes out of crying.

I'm really grateful for the support/advice you JUBers(correct term?) has given me. Thank you.

 

[Telstra]

Email is easier than telling him in person.
Why not tell him the truth via email when you are ready.

 

[Icarus92]

I want to come out to him in person, even though it's over 9000 times harder. I want to know his initial reaction, and if he has any questions or affirmation or whatever, I'm there to give/receive them immediately. Thanks for the suggestion. =) I might just come out to some of my close friends through email; might be easier for them too.

edit: The playful sibling saw your avatar and thought it was interesting. He said he didn't even notice it was a butt at first. *sigh I love my siblings. xD

 

[Telstra]

I want to come out to him in person, even though it's over 9000 times harder. I want to know his initial reaction, and if he has any questions or affirmation or whatever, I'm there to give/receive them immediately. Thanks for the suggestion. =) I might just come out to some of my close friends through email; might be easier for them too.

edit: The playful sibling saw your avatar and thought it was interesting. He said he didn't even notice it was a butt at first. *sigh I love my siblings. xD

You are very lucky. Sounds like you come from a very functional family.
A lot of people here come from dysfunctional families.

Did he noticed the avatar is a world map plus butt ?

 

[Rolyo85]

Yeah, I've also always preferred a face to face when the issue i important and the situation - potentially tense. Then you can gauge their reaction and adapt, instead of throwing the bomb from far away, and then slowly die in uncertainty as to how it was really received.

 

[boredass123]

This is the real voice of reason.

Who are you kidding? This is not love. You may not agree with what I say now, but trust me, after a few years, when you look back at this, you will say to yourself "LOL it was stupid of me to think it was love"

It is NOT love. You will get over him soon enough.

So why don't you stop drowning yourself in self-pity and start seeing the truth: you are only infatuated with him.

 

[Icarus92]

You are very lucky. Sounds like you come from a very functional family.
A lot of people here come from dysfunctional families.

Did he noticed the avatar is a world map plus butt ?

My family is very supportive and accepting, even though all of us are Christians(well, brought up as Christians at least). They are now very worried about me because of this situation, especially my elder brother who is also schooling with me. I know a lot of people aren't as lucky; makes me more appreciative of my family.

I really don't know what he perceived the picture to be but I'm pretty sure he saw the map, then the butt. I assume that that butt isn't your's?

Yeah, I've also always preferred a face to face when the issue i important and the situation - potentially tense. Then you can gauge their reaction and adapt, instead of throwing the bomb from far away, and then slowly die in uncertainty as to how it was really received.

Especially the uncertainty part. "When will he/she read the email?", "What if they read it after having a very bad day?", etc.

This is the real voice of reason.

Who are you kidding? This is not love. You may not agree with what I say now, but trust me, after a few years, when you look back at this, you will say to yourself "LOL it was stupid of me to think it was love"

It is NOT love. You will get over him soon enough.

So why don't you stop drowning yourself in self-pity and start seeing the truth: you are only infatuated with him.

Thanks for you post. Yeah, I was told this on the first reply. I now know it isn't love. Knowing this does not in any way help me to get over him though.


I find one thing about Jason pretty... off? Something borderline weird I would say. First time he met me, he said that he likes me and that we should be friends. He gave me his number, and after talking, he left. The 2nd time we met, he said he wanted to go to a town's fair with me and he kept showing interest in doing things together. As the friendship grew, he keeps making the effort to text, to sit with me during Chapel, to meet after classes, to have meals together, to visit my room daily, and lots of other things. When a lot his or my friends are around, he would ask me to leave somewhere else with him. And, he's straight?! He doesn't seem to treat his other friends like that. I'm not saying straight people wouldn't make effort in friendships like he does, but he seem to be going further than most straight guys would for another guy. I am 99.9% sure he is straight. So yeah, if he keeps this up, it would be really hard to get over him.

 

[Icarus92]

UPDATE! I came out to Jason 2 days ago. We had dinner, and on the way back, he brought up the time when I broke down crying in front of him and asked why I did that. I said "You don't want to know" but he kept insisting for an answer so when we arrived at my place, I just told him. He almost immediately left the car after I told him... my heart dropped; I quickly asked him why he left the car and I was replied with a chuckle and "it's not like I couldn't tell you were gay" but later, he said that he only suspected a few times.

We had a talk and I remember these few lines he said:
"I got your back, dude"
"You're still [my name]"
"It's really not any different from before"

And I believe him. So far, he's been treating me the same as before with minor changes: He doesn't make fun or joke about gay people anymore and he's more careful when bringing topics of girls, etc.

So, he's a true friend, and he's been taking it well so far. He says he doesn't get the whole gay thing and I'm his very first gay friend. My 99% confidence of him being straight has just increased to 100%. I still like him a lot but coming out to him should help decrease my feelings for him. It shouldn't take more than a few months... I hope.

 

[Charmander]

I don't understand why he left the car, but sounds like all is good.

 

[Icarus92]

I asked him quite recently why he left the car so quickly and he said that at that moment, he was very shocked and had a lot on his mind so his first reaction was to get out and walk; he seem to do this when he's nervous, or freaking out. He would just pace around. =)

I told another one of my really close friend. This time, an Asian. He took it exceptionally well. I was really surprised at how well he handled this, even though he was shocked.

I still like Jason a lot, but it's more of friendship now. He's still very physically attractive of course, which makes it difficult but I think I'll do just fine.

Thank you, JUB.