What do gay guys experience when they're with women?

[Escondido]

This is a fancy way of asking myself, with your feedback, am I gay?

I know there are about a billion threads already with personal anecdotes...so bear with me, and thank you for endulging another one.

I have been with a number of women and I have difficulty getting excited when I am intimate with them. They will do any number of things to attempt to turn me on, and I just can't physically respond. In my first few sexual encounters with girls, I'm pretty sure I had no trouble performing. However, as the years have gone by, it seems as though I am able to less and less. (I am now in my late twenties.) When I drink, I seem to focus on women; ironically, I perform better sexually when I am uninhibited by alcohol. When I walk down the street and there are a male and female together, I will tend to check out the female generally, not the male.

For years, I have masturbated with straight porn. I try to think back to my young teens and I'm pretty sure my first fantasies were of women. I remember admiring the physique of a male classmate of mine in 6th grade, but I feel as though I simply suppressed those thoughts. My big crushes tended to be girls; but I also felt as though I may have not allowed certain thoughts to enter my mind.

Also, I remember being tempted in high school to visit a certain park in the place I grew up where gay guys frequented...but I resisted.

So now it's years later, and recently a relationship of mine ended when the girl I was dating broke up with me under various pretexts - when in fact I'm pretty sure it was because I wasn't performing well. And of course I wasn't honest with her that I was (more seriously) questioning my sexuality...and of course she must have suspected it strongly. I don't blame her for ending it, but it depressed me.

In any case, I went out and bought a gay porno mag around that time. It was the first time I'd ever done it, but it turned me on. Also, I visited this site for the first time just a couple weeks ago. So...I guess you could say I'm taking baby steps in self-realization.

But I don't want to be gay...and I don't know how to say that without it sounding offensive, so I am sorry. I just don't. I want to have a woman I can grow old with. I want to have kids the conventional way. But maybe nature/God, etc. didn't make me that way.

So I'm really confused. And probably gay. And really resistant to the idea.

And wondering what gay guys who didn't quite realize they were gay early on experienced when they were with women. Could you get an erection no problem? Was it harder (no pun intended) to arrive at one? Was it still enjoyable?

Thanks for your input.

 

[BlondeCanadian]

But I don't want to be gay...and I don't know how to say that without it sounding offensive, so I am sorry. I just don't. I want to have a woman I can grow old with. I want to have kids the conventional way. But maybe nature/God, etc. didn't make me that way.

This part is pretty much irrelevant. There are hardly any gay men who would choose to be gay. Deep down most people want that picket fence life. I know I do. But I had to come to terms with the fact that this is how I am.

I am not sure in your case because I am not sure how truthful you are being to yourself and how much you are supressing.. On the other hand trouble performing isnt always because of a lack of attraction. My only advice would be to maybe just have sex with a guy

 

[Eagle653]

Hello Escondido and welcome to JUB. We're glad you're here and hope you post often.

Yes, you are probably gay. Many of us began our sexual careers crushing on women, dating them, even marrying them. When you're in your late teens or early twenties, it's pretty easy to get turned on by sex in general. As you found out, as you get older, it's harder to get turned on except that those whom you're genuinely interested in.

I understand your feelings of not wanting to be gay, and wanting a conventional life with a wife and children. There are few here who don't feel, or didn't feel, the same way. You're in the process of coming out to yourself. Buying the gay mag, signing up for an account here, and seriously thinking about same-sex attractions are all part of that process. The operative word really is "process." You're not going to be comfortable with this overnight, nor by the weekend, nor perhaps even this time next year. It's confusing and irritating, yet as you think about it and get more comfortable with your own skin, it's quite liberating too.

Continue doing what you're doing...thinking, keeping an open mind, and exploring. I'm glad you're here because many are in the same place as you and we all tend to learn from each other. Keep posting.

 

[Anders123]

I'm 20 at the moment, and the last girlfriend I'll ever have was for 6 months when I was 18/19. As for the experience, it was okay I guess. I enjoyed her company, conversations, dates etc. --- This was in the beginning of course. The sex was okay. Though, I'm horny all the time anyway so I could probably have sex with anyone and say it was okay. I actually thoroughly enjoyed the sex one time when she had to go away for a week, I didn't masturbate at all and waited for her return (A week is quite a long time for me ).

After a while though, I just started to become frustrated and irritated by her. All I noticed were the things that annoyed me and there was nothing at all endearing about her. No physical attraction, and things that annoyed me that I could let go of initially, for some reason became unbearable.

I decided to break up with her because I needed some time to think without any objects of 'confusion'. I'm glad I did because it made me realise and accept who I truly am. Realising I was gay sucked at first, because I was focussing on all of the bad things; "oh no I have to tell these people", "oh shit, who will I lose? Who wont accept me?", "I can't have a wife and kids" etc. etc (kind of glad about the wife thing based on a lot of relationships I've seen ahah)

Anyway, now I'm totally okay with it, though have only told a few people as I'm still a bit ~ about how some will react. I realise now that I can actually do what makes me happy. I can actually....be happy!@#
I think I've already started to care less about societal pressures, and I hope that once I'm completely out I wont really give a shit about what people say or think. That's when as a gay man one can truly do what makes them happy, and isn't that what life is about? Not some phoney idealistic dream of a wife and kids, and assuming that to be the epitome of happiness.

Anyway, that's my way of telling you that a lot of people don't want to be gay AT FIRST. Though, as we come to terms with it, it allows us to drop the idea that we should all do what's 'normal', and just do what ever makes us happy, not what fits the standard.

Good luck with everything man.

 

[chance1]

sex with women was OK - intercourse was anyway - sometimes more into it than others - not totally into it

definitely had no interest in oral - hated going there - that's when i knew for sure

IMO, women are more caring then men - not sure why - in general could be the wiring

imagine that will cause some ire but i believe it

women and men - it's natural - hole and pole

or so i thought

much better this way

being gay

but that's me

you have to decide

but i assure u - its involuntary

 

[Scottyboi]

took me 6 years and a lot of bad decisions to come to terms with it man, it ain't easy

on the + side though: marriage will be an option soon, most states allow gay adoption and technology to allow for two men to have a child with *their* dna instead of a surrogates (it still would have to be raised in the surrogate) is only a decade or so away.

So you still have the white picket fence options, just with a man.

 

[FrEaKyFrEaK]

To answer your question: Personally, I just "round" myself up to gay. I still have sex with women occasionally, and only when I've been drinking. But even when I've sobered up a bit, I have no problem going down on a chick. I just have no romantic interest in them.

To answer your real question: Congratulations! You're gay! I'm so glad to be the first person to tell you this. You seem to have come to this ideal fantasy where many years from now, you'll have a wife to come home to after your full-time job at the office, and you'll raise your 2.3 children together.

But that's not what is going to happen if you choose to go down that road. You'll both be miserable with each other. She'll resent you for your poor performance, you'll hate her and yourself. And besides, your fantasy is totally possible without a woman involved!

You don't need to have sex with some random dude to prove it to yourself (although I guess that'd work.) Give yourself permission to go to a gay bar, go to some gay-themed event or whatever, flirt a bit with guys, and just go on a date. Or just pick a dude up from the bar! Try to make a real romantic and/or sexual connection with a guy. You'll be able to answer all your own questions, I promise.

If I'm horribly wrong, you can just tell yourself I'm some gay asshole on the internet who has no idea what they're talking about.

 

[djmigra]

I'm glad you posted that question, I was wondering the same thing! I've been with a couple of chicks, but could never finish. I feel like i'm attracted to women, but since I was young I always felt different and have kept these gay fantasies to myself. I feel like ok, i'm attracted to girls, but when I jerk off I go straight to gay porn and i'm shooting ropes in seconds. When i'm jacking i'm thinking to myself, "i so hope i'm gay" and i cum in no time. Then i'm disgusted with myself afterwards and try to think about hooking up with women. I remember hearing Dr. Drew on Loveline once say that a normal heterosexual guy would be disgusted by the thought of gay sex. So, who knows, I'm still confused myself!

 

[Escondido]

First of all, thanks to everyone who posted.

I am definitely open to the possibility that I'm gay, but I don't think it's quite so clear. I was thinking about it at work today. I was working with a few guys the whole day, and I essentially forced the thoughts into my brain as to whether I could view them sexually. I saw a lot of girls around and some of them I checked out. My sexuality, in other words, is not black and white; it's pretty much just screwed up.

But, I am open to experimentation now, whereas I haven't been in the past. Which is to say, I am either going to go to a PFLAG support meeting or I guess go via the internet (okcupid or something...?).

A few of you guys said things like, go have gay sex...or go flirt with guys. Honestly, I joke around with guys all day - but that's because they are my friends. I honestly wouldn't know how to flirt with guys. I feel like it wouldn't be natural. I think I just want to sit down with a gay guy and ask questions like the ones I'm asking on here. I think, to be more sure, I might experiment physically, but that is certainly not something that I would be comfortable jumping right into. And really, it would be to distinguish whether I've got something wrong with my machinery (i.e. psychogenic impotence), or whether I'm actually gay.

This blows.

But anyway, thanks very much again to people who posted. I'm still definitely curious to hear more about peoples' experiences with women...it helps to compare notes.

 

[Escondido]

Hello Escondido and welcome to JUB. We're glad you're here and hope you post often.

When you're in your late teens or early twenties, it's pretty easy to get turned on by sex in general. As you found out, as you get older, it's harder to get turned on except that those whom you're genuinely interested in.

By the way, I thought this was a pretty astute point.

 

[GhostMost]

Yeah me finally realising and coming to terms with myself involved me at a young age (where just the word sex would get me turned on) looking at straight porn and not totally getting turned on, but then switching to gay porn and going crazy. I thought I could get away with just being curious.

But in the end it may escalate and you might be gay but you might just be bisexual. Just do what you feel is right. If you want to experiment with men go for it.

 

[SteveyBoyLA]

Great post Escondido. I very much relate to it. I exclusively dated women up through age 35 or so. I had no problem having sex with women, oral or otherwise. I had no problem getting and maintaining an erection. However, I knew deep down I was also attracted to the male physique. I tried like hell to put these thoughts out of my mind, but they became more prominant as the women I was dating wanted to marry.

Having a family was a strong attraction to me, but I was overcome by this secret nagging attraction to men. In the end, I did not tie the knot with women because I could never be true with them about my feelings to the opposite sex, nor did I really connect with them emotionally - something women in general want more than sex in my opinion.

I completely understand your angst about you coming to terms with your sexuality. Each of us has to figure out how we do this best. There are many who have posted good ideas. Let me add another (although hard to take this step). I was helped by a gay therapist who helped me come to terms with my sexuality and how to take those baby steps you talk about. Best of luck buddy!

 

[Scottyboi]

Maybe something you should look up escondido is the "Kinsy Scale"

http://goodwolve.blogs.com/.a/6a00d83427794753ef0120a5c8a6d1970b-800wi

as you've said - sexuality isn't black and white

 

[slnattak]

You can still have a picket fence life and be gay. A lot of gay men want a quiet life in the suburbs. Picket fence life and being gay aren't naturally opposed.

Also don't even consider yourself 'gay', as to me gay sounds too much like being weak or lame. It's not very sexy. Just think of yourself as a regular guy who is romantically/sexually into other dudes because that's what you are. Not only does that make you attractive to other people, it makes you attractive to yourself. (which makes you attractive to other people) It's a nice cycle.

Just think about it. When you look at a gay porn mag, you're liking the homoeroticsm of it. You're not liking 'gay guys' you're just liking MEN enjoying sex with other men. When you have a crush on another guy you're not thinking 'oooh I'm a faggy faggot fag in love with what I hope to be another GAY-ass faggoty man.' You're thinking 'whoa this dude is hot. I'm turned on!'

 

[megustamyn]

Sexuality is not black and white. (See http://www.kinseyinstitute.org/resources/ak-data.html) The number of people who are aroused exclusively by only one gender is quite small at both ends of the continuum. Most of the gay men I know have had experiences and/or relationships with women, some lasting many years.

Now that I am in my 60s, I feel strongly that it is wrong to enter into a relationship with a woman knowing that you’d rather be with a man. You not only complicate your life, you also complicate hers. Two of my three sisters went through this and the older one never trusted a man again; she’s been single for nearly 40 years. My husband was married for 15 years and has been divorced now for 15 years. He has a good relationship with his two adult children but they hold him responsible for their mother’s unhappiness even after all these years.

I think what is most important is not how much you are aroused by your partner, but how much you are fulfilled by your partner. My husband and I have been in a monogamous relationship for 13 years. Neither one of us was able to do this with a woman because we never felt whole. We are now legally married.

It is certainly possible to have a ‘normal life’ with a same-sex partner. We each had two children when we met and we’ve maintained excellent relationships with them through the years. We are close to our families. We own a house and two cars. We have good friends and neighbors. My eldest daughter passed away last year and we are now raising my grandsons. Their father challenged us on custody, but he wasn’t there for them when their mother was alive so the court awarded us custody and he has limited visitation. Our boys are proud of their home and they bring their friends around regularly. Our next-door neighbors have boys the same age as ours and we often take their kids out with us.

Being gay can be challenging but it doesn’t have to be limiting. I encourage you to get to know gay people. I’d bet you have gay colleagues and neighbors and don’t even realize it. Don’t worry about putting a label on yourself. Don’t force yourself into liking one type of person or another. When you meet the right person, female or male, you’ll know it.

 

[redips]

Sexuality is not black and white. (See http://www.kinseyinstitute.org/resources/ak-data.html) The number of people who are aroused exclusively by only one gender is quite small at both ends of the continuum. Most of the gay men I know have had experiences and/or relationships with women, some lasting many years.

It is entirely possible that you are a 4 or a 5 on the kinsey scale. I agree that relatively few people are complete 1s or 6s.

I am probably one of the few who are at a solid 6+. I've never fantasied about women, and I can't really stand the sight of a naked woman, let alone straight porn. I "dated" a girl once for a few weeks, before I accepted that I was gay. Even though I enjoyed conversation and having dinner, etc. with her, I barely touched her. One night when I drove her home, she made a move and kissed me on the cheek. I just stood there, felt kinda awkward, probably said a quiet goodbye, and then left. I remembered sitting in my car afterward, thinking, oh sh*t, I guess that's the last nail in the coffin, oh sh*t, this is not good...

I'm surprised that it took me 26 years to realize that I am indeed gay. I know...I'm really, really lame. And so yes, I was also a virgin until I was 26. I wish I'd accepted that earlier, since I'd imagine that it'd be easier coming out at an earlier age.

However, even though I've always been attracted to guys, and never to girls, my sexual and romantic feelings toward guys have not always been the same. When I was in my late teens, the thought of two guys kissing was a little weird; I didn't think I'd like romantic love with a man; the thought of anal sex was also somewhat repulsive. This has slowly changed over a period of a few years.

So anyway, that's my story.

 

[redips]

i remember in seventh grade we had to do a group science project and a girl fell into my lap and i instinctively pushed her awaya. guess that was when and how i knew i was gay.

Funny that I have a similar experience. In my last year of college, I partnered up with a girl for a year-long project. I knew that she was interested in me since the beginning of the year. One day, we were working in the lab. She reached over the lab bench, and her breasts were touching my arm, for a while. I don't know whether she did that on purpose or not, but I remember feeling, AWKWARD! UGH!! Not excited!

Naive as I was, I thought maybe I was just extremely shy. Nope. Just naive and in denial.

And I should add, she's not at all ugly. I think a straight guy would find her reasonably attractive.

 

[Escondido]

Last night, I went out with a girl, had a nice time, we went back to her place, we started fooling around, she was getting excited, she got on top of me, and I....I pushed her off. Then I said, gotta go, sweetie. She was pissed. I was ashamed. It was altogether an awesome night.

Doing the same thing again and again and expecting a different result has some sort of classification...doesn't it? Well, I keep doing it. This is the second girl in three weeks whom I've courted, gotten intimate with, and then pulled back from and hurt.

It's strange. The more I explore my (likely) gay side, the more aggressive I become in trying to get physical with girls and try to "rescue myself from the edge (of becoming gay)."

And it's not working. Hah. Certainly didn't last night.

 

[HunterM]

What is insanity? Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

Go hook up with a guy. Explore your sexuality. If it does not turn you on, then you can stop and go back to dating women. It's not a big deal. This is the only way you will know for sure for yourself. Otherwise, you will live the rest of your life unfulfilled sexually.

 

[TX-Beau]

Yeah, I pretty much always knew I was gay, but I tried my level best to be a "normal," guy anyway. Because I didn't want to be gay either. if you don't want to be gay, you've got baggage in your head. Most of us started there.

Denial isn't easy to overcome, it muddies up the waters and fights like hell to stick around.

I will say this, the first time I was with a guy, well, there was no frikkin' comparison it was so much better.