The Original Gay Porn Community - Free Gay Movies and Photos, Gay Porn Site Reviews and Adult Gay Forums

  • Welcome To Just Us Boys - The World's Largest Gay Message Board Community

    In order to comply with recent US Supreme Court rulings regarding adult content, we will be making changes in the future to require that you log into your account to view adult content on the site.
    If you do not have an account, please register.
    REGISTER HERE - 100% FREE / We Will Never Sell Your Info

    PLEASE READ: To register, turn off your VPN (iPhone users- disable iCloud); you can re-enable the VPN after registration. You must maintain an active email address on your account: disposable email addresses cannot be used to register.

  • The Support & Advice forum is a no-flame zone.
    The members offering support and advice do so with the best intention. If you ask for advice, we don't require you to take the advice, but we do ask that you listen and give it consideration.

What Do I Do?

Blueboy369

Blueboy369

JUB Addict
Joined
Jul 5, 2004
Posts
3,142
Reaction score
2
Points
0
Location
New York
You seem to have a very long list of reasons to leave him. You have to remember, You can never change anyone; The only person you can change is yourself. Yes, there are times when you feel that something doesn't "click" in his head or that he doesn't "Get" something you say and yes, it is irritating when someone doesn't show you common courtesy (the whole TV thing) but maybe you are expecting more from him than he is able to give you. I'm sure that there are great things about him too. Maybe you have great sex or maybe he cooks really well. You guys seem to be total opposites but maybe thats why you are together. If you care about him you should try and work it out. If not, think about your next move before one year turns to 3 or 4 years.
 
The interesting thing is that your situation is a long running dilemma.

This is the plot of Forester's "Maurice". It's the plot of "My Fair Lady". It's also a subplot on Ugly Betty where Marc has a rough-around-the-edges boyfriend.

Can it work? Sure.

Reasons why it may not work:
1. There's a stubbornness issue for both of you. You're not willing to enjoy things he likes and he's not willing to enjoy the things that you like.
2. There's a difference in the experience level between the two of you. In particular, you still have an idealized view of what a relationship is or should be.
3. You're increasingly intellectualizing about what is wrong with this relationship. Both of you have feelings and attraction to each other but these petty battlegrounds are overshadowing the good things about the relationship.

In the end, it will be the fact that both of you are rather inflexible that will prove to be the fatal flaw that ends it.
 
It is already over.

Re-read what you wrote.
 
Did you ever tell him your heart and mind say different things etc? You might want to tell him what you told us but if I were a betting man I'd go with rareboy.
 
KaraBulut said:
The interesting thing is that your situation is a long running dilemma.

This is the plot of Forester's "Maurice". It's the plot of "My Fair Lady". It's also a subplot on Ugly Betty where Marc has a rough-around-the-edges boyfriend.

Can it work? Sure.

Reasons why it may not work:
1. There's a stubbornness issue for both of you. You're not willing to enjoy things he likes and he's not willing to enjoy the things that you like.
2. There's a difference in the experience level between the two of you. In particular, you still have an idealized view of what a relationship is or should be.
3. You're increasingly intellectualizing about what is wrong with this relationship. Both of you have feelings and attraction to each other but these petty battlegrounds are overshadowing the good things about the relationship.

In the end, it will be the fact that both of you are rather inflexible that will prove to be the fatal flaw that ends it.
Click to expand...

I have to strongly agree with Karabulut. It could work if, and only if, both of you are willing to try really hard. It can't just be a one-sided effort. This will test how much you love eachother.

It's a tough situation, and people are different. And I have to admit that reading this story last night scared me a lot. I'm a thinking of this guy and haven't started anything yet. I almost gave up on following my heart last night because I read this. We have some big cultural difference, but we have strong common ground too. I know I'm willing to adapt to what pleases my him, and that could make it work, but I can't adapt 100%. He has to accept some of my different sides too.

So, I'd go with: Yes, it could work, but it needs some hard work!
 
I think that most of us in LTRs will tell you that among the secrets to our success is compromise and picking your battles wisely.
 
KaraBulut said:
I think that most of us in LTRs will tell you that among the secrets to our success is compromise and picking your battles wisely.
Click to expand...

AMEN to that Brother. Add Kids to the Mix and the Job gets Harder...|
 
It seems to me that you resent your boyfriend for not being everything you want him to be. It appears you consider yourself an intellectual and have hooked up with someone you consider to be inferior to you. That will never work until you recognize that he most likely has qualities, traits and interests that, while not in your area of expertise or interest, are equally important to him. So it looks to me like you have two choices: a) try to let go of your elitist attitude and look for and appreciate the good qualities he possesses or b) get out. You're not only being unfair to yourself, but to him as well. He deserves someone who doesn't think he's an inferior being.

While I admit I've never met anyone who hadn't at least heard of the Roman Empire, not everyone wants to spend his free time watching a documentary on Caligula--especially if he doesn't know the first thing about Rome!
 
justneedadvice said:
But, we've agreed to work on it. Part of me feels that I can't say, 'it's been a week, we're not better, I'm leaving.' But another part of me feels that the longer it takes, the worse it will be on him, as it will feel like I'm leading him on.
Click to expand...

HMMMM - you answered your own questions in your initial post, nor did you say anything redeeming about your relationship. Follow your intuition.

1. There doesn't seem to be any reason keeping you in the relationship other than the fact that you "agreed to work it out".

2. You're already leading him - on by lying not only to yourself, but to your partner.
 
My gut feeling is it's not going to work. At the risk of being critized here, I must say that if I were in your position, I would have gave up already. If I could not find much common topics or activities with someone, I would not even be a close friend of him/her, not to say staying in a long term relationship. On the other hand, I'm just as inexperienced in terms of relationships as you are, probably even more so. So maybe you can give it some more time and effort, as some other people suggested. But when your gut and brain both believe it's not going to work, you should talk to him, make it clear and let it end. Just my 2c.
 
I'm assuming from your post that you guys don't live together. This is a good thing because it will be easier, if you decide, to move on. Maintaining a long term relationship takes work and both parties have to make an effort to meet in the middle. If you can put up with his quirks and care about him enough you can make it work. If his behavior irritates you to no end, you need to do what's best for you.
 
If you're gonna cross the Pacific, you better make sure your boat has no holes.

I would recommend ending it already. Some relationships are not meant to be - and in a long-term relationship, you need someone you can talk to and relate to on both an emotion AND intellectual level.
 
*sigh*

This thread reminds me how much the gay community has tried to imitate the str8 ideals of marriage and partnership to its detriment.

The problem is it seems to me that you are seeking a mate that fills your wants and needs requirements 100%. It's never going to happen. I've watched all too often as two people leave each other because they are under this delusion that someone out there will complete them.... ideally, and perfectly.

If someone is giving you 85% of what you need and want should you cast them off for the 15% they don't sate? Or can you find that last 15% in other venues, other people, other friendships, hobbies, etc. While you may find the idea of wanting to discuss at length English literature, what happens when you find someone with equal amounts of ideas that are different from your own on what makes a great English writer.

The other thing that simply is baffling to me is the wholesale adoption of stupid, inane holidays like Valentines. It's a made up, commercialized only holiday. I had a friend of mine break up with her long term boyfriend because he didn't buy her a card on Valentines day and that "proved to her" that he wasn't in love with her. Nevermind that the same boyfriend literally only 5 days earlier had spent an entire weekend over at her house repainting her kitchen, replacing the fixtures, and fixing the plumbing. He had spent $600 + an entire weekend laboring.... but that doesn't say "love", a fricken $3 Hallmark card you can pick up at the checkout line at Walgreen's does?

Ugh.
 
Ok so ALOT has been said in this thread.

I pretty much agree with everyone else and that I think you should end it. I don't think you wrote one REAL positive thing about your boyfriend in anything that you have said.

If you been together for over a year, your bf should have an idea what you like and what interests you.
 
On a superficial note, My lover is not the best at picking the right gifts either. I learned long ago to pick my own gifts. Just tell him what you'ld like.
 
You two are completely unsuited.

Your initial mistake was in making the relationship intimate and sexual before you had determined whether or not you had anything in common.

You've compounded the mistake by not being honest with him - this only prolongs the agony and makes the ending more unpleasant.

I find your overblown romanticism and your tendency to view current life issues in terms of pop lyrics or the plots of TV series rather disturbing. What do you really think and feel? And how will you ever know if you continue to act without spontaneity and to lie about your expectations?
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top