What do you do when the spark is gone?!

[slickery]

Alright. So I have been dating this guy for over a year now. As of Feb we moved in together while he finishes Uni and I work.

Now the frustrating thing is that I can't seem to do anything to excite him anymore! It really gets to me. I've tried everything, spontaneous sessions, saying erotic things, suggesting different ways of doing things. Nothing seems to work. Now pretty much the only way I can get him excited is to force him to watch porn. Which I hate doing, I'd much rather do the real thing.

It's really annoying and frustrating, because I am still as hot as ever for him. He says it's because he just isn't that interested in sex, and that he has low testosterone. But back in the day we were having sex at least twice a day, and if it wasn't full on sex it was other things. Now I'm lucky if I get laid once a fortnight! I can't even remember the last time he even came on to me, I'm always the one doing the initiating.

What do I do? Sorry if it sounds a little bitchy. Everytime i bring the subject up to him he gets angry and annoyed. I fear he's completely lost interest in me. Yet aside from a shitty sex life we get along great, it's just the sex.

Cheers for taking the time to read my rant.

 

[Justin11]

Leave it alone and don't force the issue.
Its a power struggle.
The more you push the more He'll pull away.
I know its hard but let him come to you, if he doesn't I hate to say it but it might be done. Unless you can learn to accept it the way it is.

What is a fortnight anyway?

 

[jerzey82]

Be patient.. How about taking him away for a weekend somewhere? Even if it's to a local Bed & Breakfast or a city he likes.. give it time though

 

[G-Lexington]

Yeah, it happens. It sounds like you still care for this guy, and I'm guessing he still cares for you. In which case give him some space. Tell him, "I understand you're not really sexed up right now. That's cool. I'll jack off for the time being, but please let me know when you're ready to start again, OK? Because jacking off is a poor substitute for having sex with you."

Lex

 

[Jory]

Spark? What spark?

 

[slickery]

Hey thanks for the advice guys. I've thought about weekend trips, but I've already been through my stages of "supporting" him financially and it just got messy. Always wanting stuff acting in general like a spoilt child when I wouldn't buy him something. So I'm not spending any money on him.

I do pretty much jerk off once a day, I have to, I am a man. But most of the time when I do he puts on a disgusted act like "why do you have to do that?" I suppose it is all coming to an end as I am going overseas in a couple of months to start my career. But then again one would think you'd try to get all the love in you could before it's over? Maybe I'm wrong.

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>he puts on a disgusted act like "why do you have to do that?"

"Because you won't."

Lex

 

[bluedragon4]

How old is he? If he is in his early 20's than I would think something is up or not up as the case may be. Is he cheating? do you suspect something is going on? did you gain weight or are you very needy? could be so many things.

 

[slobone]

It sounds like his desire for you has cooled off. Regardless of whether this is temporary or permanent, I don't think there's much you can do about it except to leave him alone and see what happens. It certainly won't help to confront him about it.

You've already talked to him and nothing has changed. I don't see what more you can do.

If you're going abroad in two months, I think your best bet is to consider that the end of the relationship, at least for the time being. I would definitely NOT make any commitment to him about being faithful while you're gone. It's quite possible he would be relieved to break up, but doesn't want to make the first move.

 

[slickery]

He's 21 three years younger then me. I'm pretty randy at 24 so 21 should theoretically be even more randy. Definately not cheating, at least not until someone discovers a way to have sex with a playstation. I just think he's lost interest physically in me, shucks, but I can ride it out (not literally) until our lease is over in June.

It's also funny for his excuses on not wanting sex. They are mostly "what? the middle of the day, I would feel dirty." And "you know i can only have sex at night" and when it does get to night it's "i'm tired" or "i have to get up early for class" when in actuality class for him isn't until 9, and I get up at 6 for work and we are going to bed at 10!

For christs sakes it's really frustrating me as you can see.

I'm not planning any commitment either, as one of his favourite hobbies is online dating websites. It bugs the shit out of me, but I keep a close eye on it if you know what I mean. Not that I'm nosy or jealous or anything, I just like to butt in.

 

[bluedragon4]

I do find that strange that he's 21 and he is so sexless. He should be able to do it all day and night long. Maybe he is freaked out by something or being gay is really real to him for the first time. You probably has nothing to do with you. I had a bf who refused sex with me. I dated him for 5 years and he touched me maybe twice a year. I would beg and plead and get so upset. I really hated myself for that. He would cheat non stop but i was young and in love so i stayed. I thought it was better to have him than not(I was so wrong!!!) He ended up telling me years later after we broke up that it upset him that everyone found me more attractive than him. That's why he cheated with less attractive guys so that he could be the "hot one" as he put it. Now that never crossed my mind. It's flattering in the most fucked up way.LOL.You never know what gets into peoples heads!

 

[NickCole]

Yet aside from a shitty sex life we get along great, it's just the sex.

I think there are other problems that might be causing the sex trouble.

Some other things you've written in this thread point to it:

... I've already been through my stages of "supporting" him financially and it just got messy. Always wanting stuff acting in general like a spoilt child when I wouldn't buy him something. So I'm not spending any money on him.

I suppose it is all coming to an end as I am going overseas in a couple of months to start my career.

Definately not cheating, at least not until someone discovers a way to have sex with a playstation.

I'm not planning any commitment either, as one of his favourite hobbies is online dating websites. It bugs the shit out of me, but I keep a close eye on it if you know what I mean. Not that I'm nosy or jealous or anything, I just like to butt in.

My guess from reading the little bit you've posted, and knowing you're older and better positioned financially, is he may resent an overbearing posture from you and might be withholding sex as retaliation or self-protection -- maybe subconsciously. The way you refer to him is somewhat dismissive and superior, almost as if he's a child and you're an adult. And it sounds like maybe he withdraws when he's hurt.

That's how it looks to me.

 

[rareboy]

You have waayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy more problems than sex guys. As Nick noted, the financial dependence and spoiled child issues are probably at the heart of his limp dicked response to your advances. You're using money as a control; he's using sex.

You'll both be better off lonely for awhile and then maybe you will be better suited for your next partners.

 

[Just_Believe18]

I see serious dependency issues and the lack of sex excuses smell more fishy than vagina.

It is difficult to get into someone's head. We'd have to know what he does, college major, how you met, detailed first few months of relationship, etc. I can't make any guesses at this point.

I will say however, you're right to be looking at a single future. I think he is expecting it too (if you haven't talked about it already). At this point, you're just tolerating each other until both of you can go your separate ways. Kind of sad. I wish you the best overseas.