What has happened to me?

[DevinO]

I'll try to make this as short as possible.

My first relationship lasted 3-1/2 wonderful years. The best you could ask for. We were so happy together. We trusted one another completely. Then, one day, he had a heart attack and died 10 days later. It's something I'll never truly get over.

Anyways, a couple of years later, I met another guy. Not sure if we were ever truly compatible. I have been with him for almost 5 years now. Far too long I guess. I went into the relationship trusting him. I had never been the jealous type before him. About 6 months into it, I stumbled across evidence of possible infidelity. So, that started me constantly monitoring what he was doing on the internet and worrying what he was doing while I was at work since we work different hours. He has gotten much better at hiding his affairs.

Over the last 4-1/2 years, I have found evidence many times. (Why the hell I didn't call it quits the first time, I'm still kicking my self over.... not to mention the numerous subsequent times) Every time I have found something really damning, I have confronted him. In the beginning, he seemed sorry. With each time, it became much more difficult to get the truth. By now, when confronted, he gets a blank stare... almost catatonic, and says nothing. He still insists he wants to be with me and loves me though.

I have known the relationship has been over for a long time. Unfortunately, there is a mortgage in both our names (never again!). I have finally woken up and started to explore different options for getting out.

Anyone who has read this far, thanks. I'm almost done. I would appreciate your thoughts.

What the hell happened to me? I went from non-jealous to spying. I hate being that way. I shouldn't have to. When in a relationship, there should be total openness. Then there would be no room for jealousy or mistrust, right? An acquaintance once told me that I should give him his privacy and not worry about what he does as long as he comes home to me at night. If I had been drinking something, it would have come out of my nose. That's just bullshit.

Are there any gay guys out there who are into monogamy and who are honest? Truth be told, I have not really felt loved since my first partner died 6-1/2 years ago. And boy do I miss sex! (I'm the green one LOL) He stopped wanting sex well over a year ago and there has been zero for over six months.

Can anyone offer any words of wisdom? I've shed far too many tears.

 

[NomineDetracto]

i'm sorry.
and i'm very sorry to hear you lost the man you loved.

there are certainly men out there who want monogamous, honest relationships and you seem like you deserve it.

i would advise that you end the relationship you're in and start by being honest and talking about it. tell him that it's not working so you guys can figure a way out of the mortgage and everything TOGETHER, because it's not just your problem.

as far as going from non-jealous to over-jealous, it probably has a lot to do with losing something you really cared for and not wanting to lose someone again.

i hope this has been helpful (though i doubt it) and i hope you find some peace/happiness.
PM me if you ever need to vent or anything.
name's ben.

 

[8tomtoms8]

Hey Devin0,
I think you are now jealous because your current boyfriend has broken your trust. He cheats on you all the time so why would you trust him??? I would try and get out of the relationship asap. Maybe you can buy out his interest in the house or vise versa. When there is no trust there is no relationship. Why stay with him??? You are better off alone. You have a good chance of finding another great fellow one day. The thing is the longer you stay with your current, the longer you put off finding that guy. I hope this helps and keep us posted.

 

[rareboy]

Try to extract yourselves gracefully from your dead relationship if you can't come to an accommodation to stay in it.

 

[G-Lexington]

What happened to you?

You committed yourself to a guy who couldn't commit himself to you. He's given you reason to be suspicious. He's interested in keeping you, but only on his terms.

Judging by what you've said, this isn't going to change - not by threat, pleading, or ultimatum. If you don't like the situation, start extracting yourself. Life's too short to be "stuck" in a bad place if you can at all help it.

Lex

 

[NickCole]

I think there are people who thrive on jealousy so they create situations that seduce others into being jealous.

I've been paying attention to people and relationships a long time and it just doesn't make sense that some people have all kinds of jealousy swirling around them --their boyfriends, their friends male and female, co-workers, family members-- while others who are just as desirable don't. And I've noticed that people who have never been jealous before will suddenly become obsessed with jealousy around that person.

There are a few ways they manipulate people into feeling jealousy. They play one friend or lover off another, they make promises they don't keep, they create expectation and don't deliver, they offer then withdraw.

What's happened to you? You hitched your wagon to a guy who is manipulating your feelings to feed some need of his own. He's dishonest in a fundamental --and I think cruel-- way and he will continue to hurt you as long as you stick around.

Protect your assets. Bring all your financial paperwork to a good attorney who's dealt with gay partnerships before you do anything else.

Oh, and by the way: there are good and honest men in this world. Don't stop trusting people, just learn from this experience how to recognize the untrustworthy and steer clear of them. If you let them stay in your life they will hurt or harden you into someone you don't want to be.

 

[heymikey]

Honesty by Billy Joel

If you search for tenderness
it isn't hard to find.
You can have the love you need to live.
But if you look for truthfulness
You might just as well be blind.
It always seems to be so hard to give.

Honesty is such a lonely word.
Everyone is so untrue.
Honesty is hardly ever heard.
And mostly what I need from you.

I can always find someone
to say they sympathize.
If I wear my heart out on my sleeve.
But I don't want some pretty face
to tell me pretty lies.
All I want is someone to believe.

Honesty is such a lonely word.
Everyone is so untrue.
Honesty is hardly ever heard.
And mostly what I need from you.

I can find a lover.
I can find a friend.
I can have security until the bitter end.
Anyone can comfort me
with promises again.
I know, I know.

When I'm deep inside of me
don't be too concerned.
I won't ask for nothing while I'm gone.
But when I want sincerity
tell me where else can I turn.
Because you're the one I depend upon.

Honesty is such a lonely word.
Everyone is so untrue.
Honesty is hardly ever heard.
And mostly what I need from you.

 

[NickCole]

So simple. So true.​

I can always find someone
to say they sympathize.
If I wear my heart out on my sleeve.
But I don't want some pretty face
to tell me pretty lies.
All I want is someone to believe.​