What is wrong with me?

[Rooster]

Maybe you guys can give me some advice.

Nearly 3 years ago I had a brief relationship with an extremely physically attractive guy. I felt lucky since he was considerably more physically attractive than me and we even connected on an intellectual level. However, I just didn't feel any chemistry with the guy and as a result the sex was just terrible. Even though it didn't work out, we are still very good friends but since that experience I've been too apathetic to put myself back out there. My nearly 3 year abstinence has even concerned some of my friends. Recently when we were hanging at the bar, one of my buds kept trying to get me to approach this really cute guy and dance with him. I just didn't want anything to do with it and I actually found myself afraid.

It isn't that I don't want to have a relationship or sex, because I really do, but I just keep making excuses from doing so. I'll tell myself that I don't want to risk getting an STD or I'll get back out there when I'm in better shape, or that I should wait until I finish school, etc. It is strange since another part of me feels like I'm wasting my youth and chances to experience some great things. After all, you only live once.

So any ideas what could be wrong with me and what I could do to solve it?

 

[StlKj]

Too often we associate depression with sadness, but sometimes it takes the form of apathy and lethargy. You said you're afraid, but you don't mention why or what you're afraid of. You appear to lack some confidence in that you considered yourself lucky to have someone physically more attractive than you find yourself. Why is that the deciding factor in that relationship?

You've given us too little to go on, really. Any advice at this point would just be shooting basketballs at a pea-sized target.

 

[Rooster]

Too often we associate depression with sadness, but sometimes it takes the form of apathy and lethargy.

I'm not depressed.

You said you're afraid, but you don't mention why or what you're afraid of.

I think I'm afraid of going through the same situation all over again that I went through with my friend. Rejection I could handle, but actually getting together with someone and then realizing there isn't any chemistry or passion would just be unbearable.

You appear to lack some confidence in that you considered yourself lucky to have someone physically more attractive than you find yourself. Why is that the deciding factor in that relationship?

It is not at all a deciding factor. I just look back on it and I'm surprised I failed to fall for someone that I found both physically attractive and intellectually compatible. I also do lack confidence.

You've given us too little to go on, really. Any advice at this point would just be shooting basketballs at a pea-sized target.

Let me know what else I can tell you.

 

[Rooster]

Are you afraid that you will end up re-experiencing what happened to you 3 years ago?

That is definitely the fear that comes to mind.

 

[StlKj]

So, it's a fear that you would start something with someone and it would fail based on chemistry? So the next question would be, what is the pain in that? It doesn't sound like it was someone you were in love with, as you don't say that. So was it just the failing at a relationship? Was it the inability to find chemistry with someone like him? Did it feel like some kind of failing on your part for not falling for someone? Is that a concern--that you won't be able to love someone?

At this point, the best advice would be to know what you're really afraid of and what/where that fear stems from.

 

[rareboy]

^ I have to agree with the above...

What exactly is the problem? So what if you didn't have chemistry with one guy?

I think it has something to do with your own self-image. That somehow you immediately thought the other guy is too hot for you and that you can't understand why he'd want you. Leading to detachment from the sexual performance. Leading to you to not feeling any chemistry. Mind you, this is only based on:

an extremely physically attractive guy. I felt lucky since he was considerably more physically attractive than me

So, firstly, I think you need to get your own head screwed on right about yourself and understand that you don't have to be Abercrombie and Fitch model gorgeous to be appealing to someone else or to have burn the barn down sex.

I don't know how you're going to do this, but the first thing is practice smiling. Splurge and get some new duds and different haircut. Take vitamin b12.

Put some effort into connecting with all kinds of guys. You aren't going to find chemistry if you're only spending time focusing on Sociology. somewhere out there is a guy that will just make your heart stop when you see him and talk to him for the first time.

 

[Horschallen]

Maybe you are still grieving from the loss you experienced. It took me longer than three years to complete the grieving process from this loss I had in 2001. Evem yesterday morning I woke up after dreaming about him. I still have not gotten around to hanging out at the local bars, etc. (I relocated here three years ago) and have been pretty abstinent from sex as well. Give yourself time and you will come out just fine.

 

[TX-Beau]

What exactly is the problem? So what if you didn't have chemistry with one guy?

I think it has something to do with your own self-image. That somehow you immediately thought the other guy is too hot for you and that you can't understand why he'd want you...

That was my thought too. Is this a self-esteem issue.

If you're not going to put yourself out there, try spending your time turning yourself into the guy you want to date. I find that if you focus on bettering yourself, guys usually pop up along the way.

 

[chance1]

Objects in motion tend to stay in motion. Objects at rest tend to stay at rest. Just as with inertia of an object, it takes more energy to get it in motion, than it takes to keep it in motion.

Getting your ass off the couch and putting yourself out there for a date is the hardest. Continuing dates, asking guys out, going to bars, coffeehouses, etc... is always much easier.

Why do you think that old mantra of "when it rains it pours" is spoken when someone goes from no dates / no interest to 3 or 4 people all of a sudden interested at the same time. It's not coincidence.

i could not agree more

i have had times of both - where nothing was happening (because i let it) and when lots was happening

the only common denominator was me - and my relative willingness to engage

i am not sure ur 3 year relationship has much to do with ur current situation

i think ur suggestion that he was beyond u physically - as in he was good looking but ur not - is not the way to think - at all

there's all kinds of cute
all kinds of good looking

in "school of rock" jack black dove into the crowd believing that they would catch him - at the end of the movie they did

dive into the crowd

good luck

 

[Rooster]

I have no problem getting out. I've been to the bar the last couple nights in the last week and I go to the coffee house at least once a week to socialize with my friends. I agree with some of the previous posts that I have a poor self image and low confidence. It doesn't matter how often you take the plate if you aren't going to swing. My problem seems to be that I just don't feel good about myself, to the point that I'm even afraid of trying. I guess I just need to invest in myself more and hopefully increase my self worth. I wish I could just be happy with who I am and do things to improve myself just because I want to but most guys are superficial.

 

[rareboy]

My problem seems to be that I just don't feel good about myself, to the point that I'm even afraid of trying. I guess I just need to invest in myself more and hopefully increase my self worth. I wish I could just be happy with who I am and do things to improve myself just because I want to but most guys are superficial.

Ah. Again you've thrown another new problem into the mix.

You also have a superiority complex, which is not unusual in people with an inferiority complex.

So. get your ass moving to improve your own self worth. Not because it is necessary, but for the joy of it. One way, by the way is to volunteer for something. Do something for others with no thought of recompense.

At the same time, drop the superior attitude about others. So most guys are superficial? I do not think so. They may seem superficial; you have to dig deeper. Help them feel better about who they are. That will also help you with your self esteem.

 

[slnattak]

Good advice rareboy. =)