What kind of relationship should I expect with someone with AIDS?

[Leccocx]

Hey guys. I really have nobody to ask advice for, so I was hoping someone could guide me here. :S

I just started dating a guy, and after our first date, he told me he was into me (it's both ways) and that before we went any further, he adviced me that he han an STD, the "most common" and that "couldn't be cured". During our second date he told he has AIDS, and I was really surprised. He's in medical treatment right now, so he says he's fine.

The thing is, I really like him and I still want to get to know him better, though I don't know what should I expect if I do start a relationship with him. I know that using protection while having sex isn't optional, but I must say I don't know with what I'm dealing here. I know that people can get infected through blood and semen, in this case.

So, in what should I really be careful, besides the sexual area? Is/was anybody in a relationship with some that has AIDS? What problems have you encountered? Hopefully you could help me, I'm clueless here. I'm a bit scared but I want keep going with this. Thanks in advance.

 

[bruce379]

Hey guys. I really have nobody to ask advice for, so I was hoping someone could guide me here. :S

I just started dating a guy, and after our first date, he told me he was into me (it's both ways) and that before we went any further, he adviced me that he han an STD, the "most common" and that "couldn't be cured". During our second date he told he has AIDS, and I was really surprised. He's in medical treatment right now, so he says he's fine.

The thing is, I really like him and I still want to get to know him better, though I don't know what should I expect if I do start a relationship with him. I know that using protection while having sex isn't optional, but I must say I don't know with what I'm dealing here. I know that people can get infected through blood and semen, in this case.

So, in what should I really be careful, besides the sexual area? Is/was anybody in a relationship with some that has AIDS? What problems have you encountered? Hopefully you could help me, I'm clueless here. I'm a bit scared but I want keep going with this. Thanks in advance.

It's the same as any relationship. All you need to do is to keep safe by making him wear a condom if he's gonna top you. There is no point in getting you positive too. Although AIDS is not currently curable, like herpes, it is becoming a chronic disease which is controllable by daily medicines and antiretroviral drugs. All he needs to do is maintain his regimen and there should be no problem. Advances in genetic engineering is giving hope that a permanent cure is in the offing in maybe 2 decades. There is also what is called pre-exposure prophylaxis: http://www.aids.gov/hiv-aids-basics/prevention/reduce-your-risk/pre-exposure-prophylaxis/

I'm glad that you are scared so that you will always be mindful of having protected sex with him. But don't let his positive status stop you from loving him or pursuing a relationship if you really have feelings for him and think there is something there to build on. You should get tested regularly also - this is true regardless of who you're dating, positive or negative, everyone should test regularly.

I have dated positive guys and they were amazing, wonderful guys, and the sex was great too but I still remain negative. Don't let the disease stop you from loving the person.

 

[Craiger]

What Bruce has said is good advice. Talk with him and let him know that you are interested in learning more about his condition. One questions should be his actual status. AIDS is usually not the common term used. It is probable that his is "HIV-Positive" which is different from full blown AIDS. With the regiment of medications his condition may mean his is less likely to infect. Of course the use of safe sex is paramount, but it does not mean you can't have a truly great relationship. Give him support and understanding as there are some side effects from those medications. He was open and honest with you from the beginning so once you have established the boundaries you will find a genuine, normal and loving person who deserves a partner with compassion and love. Good luck and by all mean give him a chance.

Craiger

 

[bruce379]

I would avoid all sexual activity, protection or no protection. You can still kiss him, sleep in the same bed and such, but remember that AIDS can also get into open sores and cuts on the skin through blood and/or semen contact.

I would beg to disagree. The sex can be wonderful. It's encouraged that you be the top. Although you can do bareback sex on him if you were the top, I still favor that you put on a condom out of consideration. Plus, it would prevent you from engaging in unsafe sex with other people, so make it a habit.

You can still suck his dick as long as you don't have any open cuts in your mouth or bleeding in your gums.

And like I said, if he wears a condom, then he can still fuck you like any other person would and have enjoyable regular sex together.

If you want to do the extra step, you can do the PrEP (pre-exposure prophylaxis) if you want to really get down and dirty with him. I think Merck is on its way to coming up with an over the counter prep for about $5 to $10/day.

So, yeah, you can have your cake and eat it too. Meaning, you can enjoy mind-blowing sex with him given the precautions I mentioned.

One thing I learned is that, the level of trust and confidence is higher in this kind of relationship and caring.

 

[waz101]

As things currently stand he could have been initially diagnosed with AIDS (CD4<200 & an AIDS defining illness) and more than likely just be HIV+ now and have an undetectable viral load and a high CD4, but still be counted in official statistics as having AIDS.

I only know because I have the same thing on file about me. I was admitted to hospital in 2008 with breathing difficulties, which turned out to be pneumocystis jiroveci pneumonia and had a CD4 <100 and was diagnosed with AIDS. That diagnosis has never changed even though due to treatment I am really healthy and have a CD4 above 650.

They don't use the term AIDS now, but for anyone that has received that diagnosis it seems to remain permanent, just a quirk of the system. More on The Body about it here http://www.thebody.com/Forums/AIDS/SafeSex/Q214651.html

 

[njcollegekid]

theoretically, a single virion could cause infection - so anything you do with him bears a certain amount of risk (small concentrations of virions are shed in the tears, saliva, and all other body excretions, but much less than in blood or sexual fluid). but the lower his viral load, the lower the risk. so its up to you to decide how much risk is worth it.
btw, condoms needed not just for when he tops, but for when you top. you can get infected as the top.
you can also decrease risk by him not cumming on you either. a microscopic lesion on the skin could be all it takes.

 

[borg69unimatrix]

You should use protection with anyone you sleep with, weather you KNOW they're HIV+ or not. With cheating as prevalent as it is these days (gay or straight), are you really going to take the risk that your "Mr. Right/Wonderful" isn't lying/cheating on you!?!?

The only difference here is, you KNOW, 100% that your guy already has it, and that you need to use protection 100% of the time. It's a done deal. No guessing, no questioning, no risk of lies and betrayals.

In some ways, I'd think it would make your relationship a whole lot easier because you know exactly where you stand.

 

[Rolyo85]

You have been given some good advice already (of course you can't avoid sexual contact, nor should you, though you should really be extra careful if you are the bottom in the relationship), so I will just add a few other things:

1. Outside of sex, things like sharing a toothbrush are a no-no. Bleeding gums or any sort of mouth sore COULD (although it's unlikely to) lead to infection. Saliva kills the virus and there is no provable case of HIV infection that originated from oral exposure (including him coming inside your mouth), but it is theoretically possible.

2. The same thing applies to any sort of blood-related thing, like cutting things in the kitchen, etc. You should not keep him at arm's length of course, but you have to be aware that certain things you'd do instinctively without thinking, should be avoided.

3. Most importantly - you have not yet had sex with the guy, and it doesn't sound like you have much experience with situations like this. Remember - it is OK to change your mind at ANY time. While HIV+ people aren't some radioactive plague carriers, and you might know all the facts intellectually, not everyone is cut out to actually engage in sexual activity with a poz guy. If you just can't do it, that doesn't make you a bad person, and you don't owe him to go through with it so he doesn't feel bad. It might upset him, but ultimately, you can't build anything on guilt.

 

[bruce379]

Do what feels right knowing full well the consequences. But like I said don't let this stop you from loving him fully nor him from loving you.

 

[palbert]

I was in a wonderful 3-year relationship with a wonderful man. He had HIV, eventually dying of AIDS. We only had safe sex, always with protection. I am HIV free.

Don't let the mechanics of safe sex frustrate a rewarding love.

 

[Elwood]

So much mis-information here. First of all like others have said it is most likely that he is HIV + and does not have Aids.

When you are talking Hiv+, you are talking two things for the person infected, Viral load and CD4 count.
Viral load is, how much of the virus is in your blood stream.
CD4 count is basically how your immune system is doing with the virus.

When you are positive and go on meds, the meds are intended to bring down your viral load to an undetectable level, which in turn makes you a lot less likely to pass on the virus. While at the same time boosting your CD4 count, in other words helping your immune system.

So the first thing I would find out if I were you is, is he on meds and is he undetectable? (he should know if he is undetectable).

Like I mentioned the risk is considerably lower if he is indeed undetectable, but regardless if you engage in anal sex with him (as a top or bottom) it is probably best to use a condom.

You can have a perfectly normal relationship with someone who is Hiv + and on meds and who is undetectable. I would however recommend that you look into the following:

Pre-exposure prophylaxis (PrEP)
PrEP is an HIV prevention method that involves taking an HIV medicine every day. PrEP is intended for people who don’t have HIV but who are at high risk of sexually transmitted HIV infection. PrEP should always be combined with other prevention methods, including condom use.

or

Post-exposure prophylaxis (PEP)
PEP involves taking HIV medicines as soon as possible after exposure to HIV to reduce the risk of HIV infection. For example, a health care worker exposed to HIV in the workplace may require PEP.

Just because accidents (broken condom) can and do happen.

Also here is a link with some of the myths you have allready read about in this very thread.
http://www.hivaware.org.uk/be-aware/common-myths.php

It is ultimately up to you to decide wether you want to have a relationship with a HIV+
person, but just know it is very possible.

 

[waz101]

You have been given some good advice already (of course you can't avoid sexual contact, nor should you, though you should really be extra careful if you are the bottom in the relationship), so I will just add a few other things:

1. Outside of sex, things like sharing a toothbrush are a no-no. Bleeding gums or any sort of mouth sore COULD (although it's unlikely to) lead to infection. Saliva kills the virus and there is no provable case of HIV infection that originated from oral exposure (including him coming inside your mouth), but it is theoretically possible.

2. The same thing applies to any sort of blood-related thing, like cutting things in the kitchen, etc. You should not keep him at arm's length of course, but you have to be aware that certain things you'd do instinctively without thinking, should be avoided.

3. Most importantly - you have not yet had sex with the guy, and it doesn't sound like you have much experience with situations like this. Remember - it is OK to change your mind at ANY time. While HIV+ people aren't some radioactive plague carriers, and you might know all the facts intellectually, not everyone is cut out to actually engage in sexual activity with a poz guy. If you just can't do it, that doesn't make you a bad person, and you don't owe him to go through with it so he doesn't feel bad. It might upset him, but ultimately, you can't build anything on guilt.

Really! I cant believe people on this forum are so unaware of the latest treatments and how good the outcomes are.

If he was diagnosed at the point he got AIDS he will be on treatment, his viral load will be Undetectable (the "Bug Chasers" won't have sex with HIV+ guys on treatment as it's virtually impossible to pass it on). It's like reading something written 20 years ago on here.

1. As a HIV+ man he will be well aware of what is safe or not and even though sharing a toothbrush would be perfectly safe I'm pretty sure none of us would want to?

2. No evidence of direct transmission from people cutting themselves chopping veggies even before the advent of newer treatments either.

3. HIV+ people are generally better informed about their sexual (and general) health than the rest of the community. You can be reasonably certain he is free of other sexually transmitted diseases (regular screening), will receive checks for Hepatitis B & C, know his cholesterol level and Liver and Kidney function count. He's gonna live a normal life-span and if you're gonna bottom use condoms just to put your mind at ease.

I know the HIV / AIDS education funding has been cut but you'd think that even HIV negative men in the Gay community would try to keep up a bit?

 

[waz101]

Meant to add..

You are much more likely to get HIV from some random bareback shag with someone who hasn't been tested than you are having sex with a HIV+ person on treatment.

 

[bruce379]

Meant to add..

You are much more likely to get HIV from some random bareback shag with someone who hasn't been tested than you are having sex with a HIV+ person on treatment.

I quite agree with that. HIV+ people are more aware of the nuances of HIV than normal people. Elwood is also correct that a lot of misinformation is being vented here on HIV like it was back in the 1980s. Medicine has improved and our understanding of HIV has also improved by orders of magnitude. Does this mean you should be careless? No. All I'm saying is that the guy you are dating who is HIV+ is probably a very wonderful guy in more ways than one. Don't let his current health condition rob you of a possibly wonderful relationship. Ultimately, it falls on your shoulders to pursue the relationship or not; just be aware that he could be love of your life if you give it a chance and if you give him a chance. He is probably more scared than you at this juncture and will make a great effort to make this work for the long haul. The last thing he wants right now is infect you.

From medical reports and statistical data, you are likely 50% infected with a type of the herpes virus and you don't even know about it. But has that changed your behavior? Probably not. There's no cure for herpes either.

Is the risk of loving him worth the reward of being happy with him? Probably. Of course, I would depend on his personality and mental maturity to make a consideration how I want to proceed.

Base your relationship with him on how well your connection is, his loyalty, maturity and responsibility and other aspects, not merely his disability.

Good luck.

 

[KaraBulut]

I'm glad that several people have pointed out the difference between AIDS and HIV+. AIDS is still a diagnosis that we use because there are some programs that are available to people who have low T cell counts and who have had an opportunistic infections (both required for an AIDS diagnosis). But the reason that AIDS is a rare diagnosis outside the US is that most people with HIV get treatment before their illness progresses to that point.

I quite agree with that. HIV+ people are more aware of the nuances of HIV than normal people. Elwood is also correct that a lot of misinformation is being vented here on HIV like it was back in the 1980s.

One thing that has not changed for the better is back in the 80s, there was no test for HIV, so everyone was considered infectious and there was a lot of peer pressure to use safer sex with everyone.

Now we have two camps- those who have HIV and those who don't have HIV. And there's this false sense of security that if you don't know a person's status, that you're somehow at less risk than you would be if you knew that someone was HIV+.

The thing is, I really like him and I still want to get to know him better, though I don't know what should I expect if I do start a relationship with him. I know that using protection while having sex isn't optional, but I must say I don't know with what I'm dealing here. I know that people can get infected through blood and semen, in this case.

So, in what should I really be careful, besides the sexual area?

But you've really asked two things- about precautions that you need to take and about a potential relationship

There's no special precautions needed. Most people just become more strict in their safer sex practices. No playing around and putting on the condom later- the condoms need to come out early and be used consistently.

As for a relationship- being in a relationship with anyone who has a chronic illness comes with a lot of extra strain, whether it's hepatitis C, diabetes, crohns or any of the dozens of chronic conditions that are fairly common these days. There are good days and bad days. So much depends on where he is in his illness- how well he takes care of his overall health and how well his CD4 count and viral load are being managed. If he's taking care of himself, then there's just a lot of extra pills (and extra costs for medical care) and not a lot of day-to-day issues. If he's further along in his illness, then there can be some ups and downs and unexpected health issues that arise.

We know well enough how to prevent HIV transmission, but there's still a lot of other issues in serodiscordant relationships that we talk about less. These days HIV disease is a chronic illness that happens to be contagious. If you're going into a relationship with someone with HIV, it's important to be realistic about the chronic health issues but you might someday find yourself in the same predicament if you get involved with someone who has had cancer in the past or who has some other chronic illness.

No one ever goes into a relationship with someone who has diabetes with the idea "Well, they could go blind or die of kidney disease". Yet, someone there's still a lot of "what ifs" that come when it's a relationship with an HIV+ person- we haven't really moved past the prejudices around HIV disease.

 

[waz101]

I'm glad that several people have pointed out the difference between AIDS and HIV+. AIDS is still a diagnosis that we use because there are some programs that are available to people who have low T cell counts and who have had an opportunistic infections (both required for an AIDS diagnosis). But the reason that AIDS is a rare diagnosis outside the US is that most people with HIV get treatment before their illness progresses to that point.

I was talking to my HIV Consultant here in the UK about this last year and he said that I'm probably among the last group of people in the UK to receive a documented diagnosis of AIDS (diagnosed in 2008). Anyone admitted to hospital with my symptoms would just be diagnosed with pneumocystis jiroveci pneumonia and HIV under current guidelines.
I know it's still different in countries that don't have free treatment for HIV (all sexually transmitted conditions are treated for free in the UK) and I seem to remember that some languages don't differentiate between HIV & AIDS either?

If everyone got tested for HIV and went onto treatment if positive the infection rate would drop through the floor.

 

[KaraBulut]

Apologies for the off-topic sidebar...

I know it's still different in countries that don't have free treatment for HIV (all sexually transmitted conditions are treated for free in the UK)...

That's exactly the issue in the US. Antiretroviral treatment costs around $500-$3,000 depending on which medications are prescribed. That cost has to be paid either by private insurance or out-of-pocket. There are legacy programs from the 1980s that will help with the costs once there is a diagnosis of AIDS (for example, the Ryan White Program, parts A/B).

If everyone got tested for HIV and went onto treatment if positive the infection rate would drop through the floor.

I wish this were true. Unfortunately, because of the long latency period of HIV, testing and treatment are too late in the cycle. The rates of HIV infection in the US are increasing for many complex reasons. The biggest reason is that people aren't proactively protecting themselves and their partners from infection. We're seeing increases in HIV infection rates in gay men and minorities in the US that could easily be prevented by condom use and reduction of high-risk sexual encounters. The latest research in the US shows that HIV infection rates are decreasing in every group except MSM and that about half of the gay men who are HIV+ don't know that they are infected.

Returning to topic- the perception is that being in a sexual relationship with someone who is known to be HIV+ is risky. The studies show the opposite. Most new HIV infections in gay men are the result of high risk encounters- NSA anal sex without condoms where the HIV status of the partner is unknown.

 

[RaKroma]

The best advice is for both of you to go to his HIV specialist so that you get proper counseling on living with an HIV+ partner. Get familiar with his treatment regimen. Does he have access to daily HIV meds; does he get regular blood screening to monitor his viral load, as it can fluctuate/spike even on strict regimen. Has he been screened for Hep B and C already? All those issues is for both you to discuss openly with proper medical counseling. Don't be too quick with idea that you can bareback as long as you're a top and someone is on meds---that's quackery.

 

[bruce379]

Be current on your vaccinations and have safe sex. And use common sense, it's cheaper with the same results