What makes a "date?"

[orem244]

One thing I've always found a bit tricky with gay dating is to know whether you're going out with a person in a romantic context, or whether it's just two people hanging out for the sake of friendly companionship. My question, therefore, is what do you think qualifies (or at least indicates) a meeting as being a "date" rather than a "friendly hangout," and what are some tricky ways in which one can determine the other party's intentions without potentially making things really awkward?

All input is appreciated!

 

[gayguy_1]

I’ve never been on a date before, or been with anyone. But I think spending the time with the person you’re interested in is a date to me. I would say if you think the date is going into the friendly hang out state do something to convince the person you enjoy their company; something o make them feel special. You don’t have to go to a 5 star restaurant to make a good date.

 

[G-Lexington]

If I had to define "date", I'd say it's a get-together meant to learn more about a person, and to test compatibility, with an eventual goal of romantic/physical relationship.

The thing is - you can go out on a date and not even know it. Say a guy at work takes a fancy to you, invites you out to the sports bar to watch a game, and decides over potato skins at halftime that you two aren't really compatible. So from then on out, he just treats you as a friend. As far he's concerned, he went out on a date. But if you never found out about him being potentially interested in you physically, you're none the wiser.

So how can you tell if you're on a date, or if you're just "hanging"? My general feeling is "who cares?" If you want to go, go. If you enjoy hanging out with him, enjoy it. If he keeps wanting to "hang" with you - and only you - you can start asking questions. Do you know if he's gay? Ask if he has a boyfriend. Ask what kind of things he's looking for in a boyfriend. If you're in his sights, he'll let you know.

Lex

 

[thewiz]

That's been an interesting question that I have often been confused about when dating guys. When I was in the "straight" world, you'd go out on a date by asking a person out; perhaps go to dinner and a movie. Sometimes you'd take the woman home and give a kiss good night; sometimes you might even get some makeout action or more. If you began to want to be exclusive, you'd go "steady" or be in a relationship.

In the guy world, dating seems to be problematic at best. I still carry forward my styles from the straight world and would ask a guy out, go to dinner, a movie, dancing. As the dating progressed, I may ask him up to the hot tub on the roof or swimming late at night; perhaps have a glass of wine and make-out on the couch while watching television.

When it would get special, I'd probably prepare a romantic evening with a bubble bath, candles, and more.

However, I may "date" in the non-special way several guys which seems to be a no-no at least in DC. Dating seems to mean that you are already having sex (usually not more than one date -- sometimes before what I would consider a date).

So, I share your confusion and I would recommend sticking to someone asking the other out and having an evening planned. A relationship begins when you or the other person decides that you no longer need to look for what you seek; you have found that special person and want to give all you have to them and vice-versa. But enjoy yourself in the meantime!

 

[Spensed]

If you look the word up in a dictionary, you'll see that it includes the very wide meaning of "a social appointment, engagement, or occasion arranged beforehand with another person: to go out on a date on Saturday night." and "a person with whom one has such a social appointment or engagement: Can I bring a date to the party?"

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/date

So two casual friends or acquaintances, who have no sexual interest in each other, can have a date and the word is used that way. A straight guy might say to his straight friend, "See you tomorrow, it's a date."

The trouble is that, the word, obviously, also can have a narrower meaning of getting together with at least the potential for hooking up sexually and/or romantically. So a date can mean either a non-romantic or a romantic get-together.

Sometimes easier said than done, but don't waste your time going on dates where you think or want them to be romantic, but you don't know or can't quickly find out if the other guy is just there as a non-romantic friend. If he doesn't acknowledge he's dating you, he's not dating you.

Lots of straight guys and even gay guys are flattered by someone paying them attention or listening to them, but they have no intention of getting romantically, sexually or even emotionally involved. So, if you think it's a romantic date, but you don't know how the other guy feels about it, trust me it's almost never going to be a romantic date even if that's what the connection feels like for you at the time.

The easiest way to tell whether it's a romantic date or not is not to fool yourself with wishful thinking. If the two of you are gay and it's only the two of you, at least that's a good foundation. Sometimes a lunch or a non-Friday or non-Saturday date is a less pressured way to start especially if you're not sure where the other guy is coming from.

Finally, on a romantic date (not necessarily the first one), you have to test the physical and/or emotional waters pretty quickly (otherwise you end up as sisters or whatever).

Sometimes the other guy will make a move. If not, you have to do it, in terms of, for example, brushing your hand against his hand or leg against his leg (as if by accident). If he pulls away without responding back somehow, then you know which way the wind is blowing. If you've had a good social evening and you know he's gay, a stolen goodnight kiss on the lips will remove any doubt. If he doesn't kiss back or call you back, then again at least you know where you are.

Obviously, many guys are more aggressive than this, e.g. take his hand if you're watching a movie or just go full out with the kissing and touching. But the point is still the same, which is establish what kind of date it is.

Sorry to drone on. I just wish I'd focused on the need to be much more proactive physically much earlier than I did. Who needed yet another intense but platonic friendship?

 

[chrisdobro]

for me a date is something that will lead to something, but it doesn't get there yet. Thus no sex as a rule. However, sex or no sex, if I feel that there is something special going on, like sharing something in an intimate setting, like an evening, a conversation, a dinner, a movie . . it is a date.

 

[orem244]

Thank you for all the responses so far --

To clarify regarding the specific situation to which i'm referring, I have a new gay and single acquaintance that I've gone out with one time in a one-on-one sort of way, which went extremely well, but did not necessarily progress to a physically intimate level (ie kissing, any form of body contact, etc). The guy in question definitely likes me a lot on some level, but the question is whether or not these feelings would incline him to be interested in me romantically. If he only would be interested in me as a friend, I would be fine with that, but I'd want to know so that I could plan my interactions with him accordingly. My question, therefore, is how I can figure out whether or not he would be romantically interested without potentially alienating him by making a move that would invade his personal space if he wasn't interested in me in that way.

 

[landers]

Personally I consider a date to be anything I do outside of the house with someone else. As for your specific problem I'm a big fan of the direct approach. Just ask him where you see this going. Remember to be diplomatic about it and be sure he knows this isn't a relationship or nothing situation. Tell him that you're fine being just friends but want to know if there is the possibility for more.

I was in your situation not that long ago when a guy I went on some dates with was leaving for a long vacation and I didn't know what that would mean for us. On our last date before he left I didn't get any clear signals from him as to what he wanted (friendship, causal relationship etc.) so I just asked him. I didn't get the answer I wanted but at least I had an answer, so whatever happens be prepared to hear something you might not like.

 

[Spensed]

My question, therefore, is how I can figure out whether or not he would be romantically interested without potentially alienating him by making a move that would invade his personal space if he wasn't interested in me in that way.

Looking at your own situation with this guy in that tentative and one sided way isn't the only way to look at it.

Imagine what someone with more romantic or sexual confidence might do and have shot at doing the same thing. Such a guy might take it slow, but he'd just go for it and let the chips fall where they may.

The other guy isn't a hot house plant, whose personal space you have to worry about. If you make a pass by "accidentally" touching hands or legs or (assuming you at least know he's gay) stealing a goodnight kiss and walking away, you give him something to respond to.

Keep it playful and lighthearted at the beginning.

And, if he's not interested, that doesn't have to change whether or not you can then have a friendship. But my guess is that, if you find out that he's not interested romantically, you won't have the motive so the just friends thing won't happen unless, obviously, he takes steps to make it happen.

Good luck.

 

[rareboy]

If you look down and your dick is in his mouth, you've gone out on a great date.

If both of you spent more time watching the movie screen than looking into one another's eyes, you just had a play date.