What should I do about my family?

[Lumière]

I've been mulling over this idea around for a while now, but I have seriously gotten nowhere. While though I love my family very much, I have a gut feeling that they would not be able to accept my sexuality. Even if they don't disown me or kick me out, I know (almost for a fact) that they would never be able to look at me in the same way because there will always be that shameful elephant in the room. My parents (especially my mother) care too much about what others think, so having their son turn out queer is probably the worst let down a family can have in this overly-devout community. So, I've considered just cutting them off completely when I become economically independent.

I came to terms with my sexuality some time ago, but I only recently turned 18 and finished my first year of college; in other words, I am far from being economically independent. I haven't had any luck with finding a job either. Still, that means I have time to think this through. I would not want to make any rash decisions, but that seems to be my only viable option.

Another problem is that living at home has become somewhat unbearable. My mom and my sister keep getting on my nerves, and my dad is never around because he's always working. Getting an apartment of my own or with a roommate could be an opportunity, but I don't really want to ask my parents for that kind of money right now considering all the money that's going to my college tuition. Right now I really just want to get away and not have to deal with them anymore. I am very grateful for everything my parents have done for me, but knowing that it could all change at the drop of a hat just makes me want to go away and cut them off.

I'll be going back to school soon, but short of finding a job & saving up some money I don't really know what else I can do about my situation. Am I just being naive? Is it wrong to cut my parents off completely? What can I do about housing in the meantime?

Thank you for reading through that.

 

[Ephemeral]

I felt the same way about my parents. While they aren't jumping from joy over me being gay, they still treat me exactly the same.

Do your parents show you love? Your parents would wonder why their son suddenly stopped seeing and contacting them.

 

[Seasoned]

You first responsibility is to yourself. Keep yourself safe. Whatever that means. And don't get ahead of yourself. You don't need to remain afraid of your parents once you are independent. Cutting them off because of a feared reaction isn't an adult decision. Give them the opportunity to live up to the name parent.

Don't rush anything, but do realize that a lot of your frustration has to do with not living the way you'd like to be. Try not to blame them for this. Remember it is your decision to hold off your coming out.

 

[Lumière]

I felt the same way about my parents. While they aren't jumping from joy over me being gay, they still treat me exactly the same.

Do your parents show you love? Your parents would wonder why their son suddenly stopped seeing and contacting them.

Yes, my parents do show that they care, but they also show their disapproval of homosexuals every time the occasion arises.

I do take that into consideration. I keep thinking about what a slap in the face it would be to my parents after they took care of me, but I know that they are too ignorant about homosexuals and very adamant about their beliefs. I hear how they talk about families with homosexual children, and I would rather not have to go through that with them.

You first responsibility is to yourself. Keep yourself safe. Whatever that means. And don't get ahead of yourself. You don't need to remain afraid of your parents once you are independent. Cutting them off because of a feared reaction isn't an adult decision. Give them the opportunity to live up to the name parent.

My main reason to want to move out soon is because I have grown tired of living under the same room as my mother. She's a very nice woman, but I am sick and tired of her tantrums and her irritable nature. I would much rather live alone than endure another summer "vacation" like this one.

Also, I would much rather live somewhere not-so-nice where I can be myself than have to put up a façade every day while living in my parents' nicer home. And, to be honest, I don't know if I could do that to them; they would take my coming out as me being unappreciative of what they have done for me over the years, and it would be hurtful.

Cutting them off because of a feared reaction isn't an adult decision.

I really needed to hear that.

Still, I've watched my parents over the years. I have observed their expressions and their reactions, so I know that they would not be able to handle it. I would rather spare them from all that drama. Again, I know that it would hurt them, and that is the last thing that I want to do.

Don't rush anything, but do realize that a lot of your frustration has to do with not living the way you'd like to be. Try not to blame them for this. Remember it is your decision to hold off your coming out.

I know coming out is my decision and that it is human nature to find blame in someone else, but do I really have a choice? I just want to hurt people as little as possible, but we will all be hurt in one way or another. C'est la vie.

 

[texan_slant]

I'll be going back to school soon, but short of finding a job & saving up some money I don't really know what else I can do about my situation. Am I just being naive? Is it wrong to cut my parents off completely? What can I do about housing in the meantime?

Thank you for reading through that.

I hate to say this, but if you're finanacially dependent on your parents, and you don't expect a good reaction to you coming out, then expect the worst that they might even cut you off financially.

In other words, you summed it up yourself by saying that you might need to find a job and save some money so that you can move out, or minimally, is there anyone that you trust from whom you can rent a room?

Work towards a goal of getting a job and saving some money so that you can be independent. Then, as your next goal, work towards seeing if you can support yourself through college, even if that means going to a community college, working at the same time, and getting financial aid.

Good luck.

 

[Ephemeral]

My parents said the same nasty things about gay people before they found out I was gay. The comments have stopped and they still support me emotionally and financially.

 

[Lumière]

^ How did your parents react initially? What about the rest of your family?

 

[Ephemeral]

^ How did your parents react initially? What about the rest of your family?

Sorry for not answering your post earlier. I didn't see it.

They came up to me and asked last month. My mama has known for two years ever since she asked me one day if anyone was "recruiting" me to be gay. My daddy said he was heartbroken. They weren't angry and they didn't shout (which is amazing considering they're both hot-heads), they were only disappointed. They think I'll eventually "change my mind".

My extended family made no mention of it to me, except for my cousin. She wants to go manhunting for me.

 

[Croynan]

i have no great thoughts for you - sorry. i hope you work things out.

eM

 

[Lumière]

Sorry for not answering your post earlier. I didn't see it.

They came up to me and asked last month. My mama has known for two years ever since she asked me one day if anyone was "recruiting" me to be gay. My daddy said he was heartbroken. They weren't angry and they didn't shout (which is amazing considering they're both hot-heads), they were only disappointed. They think I'll eventually "change my mind".

My extended family made no mention of it to me, except for my cousin. She wants to go manhunting for me.

It sounds like it went well for you, but if they think you'll change then they just see it as a phase, no?

I remember bringing up the subject of homosexuality when I was in middle school and my mom was working as a college professor. I asked her about some of her gay students. Eventually she got sorta teary-eyed and told me that I should never DARE to turn out queer. (She's definitely a hot-head.)

For my dad it's always a joke. He points out the increasing amount of lesbian couples here and laughs. Same with his college professor whom everyone called "Pinky."

My extended family wouldn't really be all that happy about it, and with those loose lips of theirs... everyone would know pretty soon.

i have no great thoughts for you - sorry. i hope you work things out.

eM

That's alright. I only asked because it's something that I've thought about for very long. There's no easy answer.

 

[mbamike]

To me you sound like a typical young man who wants his own independence. Telling your parents now that you are gay may make life hectic to put it mildly, but you could be under estimating your parents. Beside, is it really necessary for them to know now?

I'm sure your parents love you and you love your parents. So, I don't see the need to "cut them off completely."

I think you should slow down and take it one step at a time. You can be "out" while you are away at school, but be the same son you have always been at home until you are financially independent. If your parents ask, just be open and honest about it.

My biggest concern is don't do something now that you will regret later. I wish you the best!