What should I do with my long term relationship?

[SoCalCPA]

I’ve been lurking this website for several years now, and decided today that I’d sign up and post. I’m facing a difficult decision and really don’t know which direction to take. I know a lot of people offer great advice here and hopefully some of you will offer some solutions or creative ideas.

I’ve been in a relationship with an older guy now for about 15 years. For the most part, they have been really good years. About 10 years ago, my partner lost his job at about the same time that I was considering opening up my own practice. At that time, he had the financial wherewithal to make going into business easy; whereas, it would have been challenging for me to do it on my own. So we started our business together with the idea that I would do all of the traveling and basic work (I specialize and am fairly well known in a unique area that is demand in the manufacturing sector) while he stayed at home and managed the business end. It went well for a few years and then seems that he has slowly lost interest. Although I am always traveling and meeting my commitments, he only does the bare minimum to keep our business “legal”. This involves filing certifications, taxes, etc at only the last minute and only doing what absolutely has to be done. Our home has also gone downhill over the last few years; and, quite honestly, is a mess.

We live in a fairly exclusive area outside of LA – and because it is somewhat of a drive – have lost contact with many of our friends over the years. Currently, we only see them on the rare occasion that I am home. My partner doesn’t leave the house anymore for some unknown reason. He pretty much stays at home playing computer games all night and only gets up early if he knows that I need him to.

Like a lot of other people, his home value depreciated well below what we owe on it. Also, his investments soured leaving him in a high debt situation with little assets. I think I forgot to mention that everything other than the company and my car are in his name. I don’t really have any assets other than the company, but I don’t have any debt either. And the company provides a solid income.

Earlier this year my partner fell ill and racked up thousands of dollars in medical bills that we cannot afford. He is better now, but I’ve shown him that our current financial outlook, regardless of how hard I work, is dubious at best without major changes – ie selling (or leaving) the home and moving somewhere less expensive. He has rejected that idea and just expects me to work harder. Without proactive action, we will find ourselves in an emergency situation within a matter of a couple or few months.

I’ve been working every day (including weekends) for the last 7 months with only a handful of days off and only a couple of those at home. My health is beginning to fail and I’m honestly at my wits end. He also readily complains about any little thing that I buy making me feel guilty about it rather than happy. He seems very unconcerned with the amount of stress and effort I’m trying to put into this whole thing and ridicules me for spending money on things that will try and improve my health. I honestly think that my health will seriously fail me before the end of the winter if I don’t slow down. I know that sounds incredulous and over the top. But, I’m serious.

Over the last couple of years, I have come to the decision to leave him twice, only to allow him to talk me out of it; and I find myself in the same situation once again. I’m not sure that I should even leave it up for discussion. I cannot sustain my current efforts. If I do choose to leave, there will be the messiness of either buying him out of a company that I basically built, or closing it down completely. I am employable and believe that I could get a job with little effort, probably even have several decent job offers, but they wouldn’t pay near the amount I’m currently making on my own. My partner is probably in a position where he would not be able to find employment due to the fact he is 10 years away from retirement age.

I do love him and it would be heart breaking to leave him, but I don’t think that my feelings towards him are reciprocated. Otherwise, why has he been so indifferent towards me over the last few years?

Any insight, ideas or advice is greatly appreciated.

 

[KaraBulut]

It's quite simple:

You set aside some money. You start looking at places for you to live by yourself. You make arrangements to live as a single, independent person.

Then you give him an ultimatum- he gets into therapy, gets back to work and contributes his share to the relationship.

If he doesn't agree to these terms, you pack up and leave. And you don't return.

Your partner went through a period of depression after some unfortunate events that were out of his control. Now he's quite lost- no goals, no purpose but he's no longer the victim of circumstance. These are choices he's making not to work and not to contribute his fair share to the relationship.

He's taking advantage of you. It's up to him to end this cycle of depression in his own life. If he can't or won't end it, then it is up to you to move on with your life.

 

[Charmander]

You need to live for you, find someone that likes you as much as you do them. He's taking you for granted. You guys are incompatible. I think you're just bound by habit.

 

[palbert]

I wholeheartedly endorse Kara's advice.

I would add that you should have some discussions with your own attorney. In my practice I found that the paperwork did not reflect the actuality. This is not solely the conclusion of a relationship; it is a dissolution of a business and distribution of assets.

While I have never practiced in California I will gladly help to the extent I can. Feel free to PM me.

Good luck!

 

[SoCalCPA]

Thanks for the responses so far. I'm not sure if I made it clear or not. If I were to leave him, that would pretty much ensure his financial collapse. I would hate for that to happen to him, although, it is pretty much probable even if I stay. I'm not trying to appear selfish, the problem is he is unwilling to acknowledge our current situation and just expects me to figure it out somehow.

I'm sure that everyone did read how much of my life I've spent with him and how awful I would feel to leave him in an economy where I'm not sure he could get a good job, if any job at all considering his age.

In regards to palbert, it is a 50/50 S Corp on paper irregardless of the 95/5 actuality. I would prefer to keep the business as it provides a much better income than if I were to work for someone else. I work more as a consultant than a CPA.

 

[Seasoned]

Welcome to the forum. I'm glad you posted.

I am of the belief that long term relationships are worth saving provided that neither party is in emotional or physical danger at the hand of the other. Your relationship is worth saving.

So many people seem to grow apart and do nothing about it except cope until they are no longer capable of coping. You've given us a glimpse of your life together but we are merely window peekers. It's so easy to say, "kick the bastard out," but, in reality you've shared a life and got into this predicament together. You overwork and he underworks and neither of you communicate about the issues at hand, emotional separation, financial inequality, avoidance, and, presumedly, a lack of intimacy.

My partner, soon to be husband, of 28 years have been through many of these issues and I say work on repair. It may or may not work, but don't miss another day before getting your behinds to couples counseling. We go for tune ups as needed. I suppose some relationships are easy, but all the ones I'm aware of that are successful require constant communication and occasional interventions of some sort. Yours has been in disrepair for some time, but if you're both willing to work at it it can be fixed. Good luck to you both.

 

[DeadRussianSpaceMonkey]

SoCalCPA- I think you need to really ask yourself, is your partners financial state the only real reason why you feel that you both are still together now?- The worry about what he'll have to face without you there unable to take that burden away.

If it is yes,
Then it's time to move on, and get your mental health back where it should be. Enjoy life, because it's really too short as it is, and if you aren't happy, and enjoying life- Then what's the point? Each day should be exciting (Minus a few )
Explore your options, some of them might not be easy, but remember that you both started from nothing, and it doesn't mean that you, yourself wont be able to do it again. It might be harder, but it's not impossible. & This time you have more experience and knowledge. Do what you need to do to be happy, and to survive as well.

As for your partner it doesn't mean the end of both of you, but he does needs to get his life in order, and you need to regain your mental health & staying together I don't see that happening. Do what you need to, and in time, see where both of you are. If it's meant to work out, you'll both find a way in the end.

Also, you know how much you can extend yourself to help him out- ie. offering a job in the company. (that's all i can think of)

If you decided to end things this time, follow though- If he wants to salvage things, let him find his way to do this. But DON'T be with someone because you feel you have to until things get better. What if they never do. Be with someone because you love them, be with someone because they make you smile, be with someone because they make you a better person.

No time is convent or easy to break up. If it's not one thing, it's always another. Hope this helps.

 

[heightsboi]

You're in a situation where your major asset, the ability to work and generate income, is in jeopardy. Regardless of what happens with your partner, you are both sunk if you cannot protect it.

I hope that whatever happens, it will be the wake up call he needs to change his life, but in reality, even fairy tale couples often have to come to an end.

I agree with Kara. Build yourself a safety net, then do what you need to do.

 

[Qwerty1]

Welcome to the forum. I'm glad you posted.

I am of the belief that long term relationships are worth saving provided that neither party is in emotional of physical danger at the hand of the other. Your relationship is worth saving.
So many people seem to grow apart and do nothing about it except cope until they are no longer capable of coping. You've given us a glimpse of your life together but we are merely window peekers. It's so easy to say, "kick the bastard out," but, in reality you've shared a life and got into this predicament together. You overwork and he underworks and neither of you communicate about the issues at hand, emotional separation, financial inequality, avoidance, and, presumedly, a lack of intimacy.

My partner, soon to be husband, of 28 years have been through many of these issues and I say work on repair. It may or may not work, but don't miss another day before getting your behinds to couples counseling. We go for tune ups as needed. I suppose some relationships are easy, but all the ones I'm aware of that are successful require constant communication and occasional interventions of some sort. Yours has been in disrepair for some time, but if you're both willing to work at it it can be fixed. Good luck to you both.

I too am a lurker - and the bolded reflects my thinking on this. When I was going through a very similar situation of my own years ago, my therapist gave me a bit of advise that I have never forgotten: "You have to EARN your way out of any committed relationship - you owe it to yourself and to your mate to do everything you can to work on finding a solution, if possible. You have not lived in a vacuum for the past 20 years - you had some awareness that things were not right - you did not deal with the elephant in the room when it was small, and now it's full-grown and angry. You both have responsibility."

SoCal, you said: He also readily complains about any little thing that I buy making me feel guilty about it rather than happy. He seems very unconcerned with the amount of stress and effort I’m trying to put into this whole thing and ridicules me for spending money on things that will try and improve my health You said your joint financial situation is dire - while I appreciate your health is extremely important, is it possible that you are so unhappy that you are "stuffing" your feelings by buying things instead of dealing with your own frustrations?

Is your partner difficult to talk to? Mine was...it was like pulling teeth to get ANYTHING out of him. I had to learn a new way to communicate with him. I realized I had been internally extremely judgemental of him for years - I assigned him a role in my head, and once that pattern was set, it pretty much did not matter what he said because I had already decided that he was a consummate jerk...so I really didn't hear what he was saying. Yes, it was all in subtext and Sanskrit, but I finally drilled down and began to hear him -and you know what? His fears and doubts and concerns were, at heart, exactly the same as mine.

That was a turning point for me. I felt like a responsible adult because I had finally worked through something important in my life instead of just letting it happen to me. I was not the victim of a mean, thoughtless mate - I helped create that person by my lack of response or commitment to work through things or to calmly express how I actually felt, without pre-judgement of how he would 'take it.'

I hope things work out for you, SoCal - it sounds like you are tired, physically and emotionally, and in my experience that is never a good time to make life decisions.

Please let us hear from you again.

Qwerty1

P.S. Please forgive if I have not followed forum standards. I am new at this and still learning.

 

[TX-Beau]

He sounds like he's clinically depressed. Get him into therapy.

You can't save him if you go down with the ship. Your first priority - no matter what you ultimately decide about your relationship is to keep the lights on and a roof over your head. If the bank takes your house that will not make things better.

It's also time to start thinking about getting out from under some of your debt. Like the house. That's never easy but if you continue as you are you'll lose it anyway.

Can you find someone to take over the business end of things for him until he's capable of functioning in a positive way?