what should i do???

[jockboy01]

I've moved your thread to the relationship section as it is more about that than actual health.

Ultimately, I think you guys need to first be honest with yourselves. Do you still want him as a bf... does he still want you as a bf. Then you need to get together and talk about that and make sure you're on the same page. And if you decide that you want to remain together, you need to be honest with one another about what's going on. There's a lot more to this story I have a feeling than what you've written and getting all of the stuff that both of you are holding onto out on the table will be a great start to working through it.

 

[sixthson]

10 mg. diazepam t.i.d. until no longer hysterical.

Just kidding, but you do come across as rather excitable and maybe even controlling. You need to work on yourself, because you cannot change him. He has to do that. I think you nailed it early in your post...you're together too much. Sounds like you are both insecure and inexperienced in your relationships. There is no way for a bunch of strangers on a gay website to know if you should break up, but it does appear that you need time apart from each other, even if it is just a few hours every day. Your idea of love seems to be living each other's life. You are individuals first and a couple second. Communication is essential, but you say he won't talk. Perhaps a little distance between you will help that, too.

Good luck and if all else fails, try the valium.

 

[greyboy07]

Quick question:

How long have you guys been together? If a year or so, this sounds like a pretty natural (however painful) opportunity point. Think about investing a few hundred dollars in six weeks of relationship therapy sessions. A local gay advocacy group can give you a referral. One or both of you may be uncomfortable with talking to a therapist, but a third party expert can help you cut to the chase quickly and give you a better chance of solving the problems you've mentioned.

Best of luck, tennan.

 

[1Hoosier]

When you're sick and tired of being sick and tired, you'll know what to do. Until than you have apparently resigned yourself to suffering. Sort of like a martyr. Dontcha think?
you know what you need to do. do it.
It's kind of like a mother giving birth to her baby. First there is pain and that is followed by immense joy.

 

[JayHew]

Wow, tons of drama here. IF what you say is true, you are not in a very good relationship. First off, it is not a loving relationship, it is a relationship of convenience and/or something to do. Being around each other all the time is not an excuse to be arguing all the time. (my partner and I are around each other pretty near 24/7 and don't argue)

To cut down some of it, he should take care of his own laundry and learn to do the dishes. If he is cold, learn to put on a sweater and/or take off cloths, depending on the situation.

As for being able to talk, you can't talk to the back of someone's head, they need to be seated. That is manipulation and it is BS. Him saying he would die if you left him is manipulaion and it is BS. He holds unrealistic expectations, is concerned only that it be about him, running when having to deal with reality. In other words, has extreme low self esteem with huge overhead of co-dependency (and you are falling right into the pattern being an enabler). He has issues, major ones and unless he is willing to deal with them, nothing you have currently will change.

Rules:

1. No violent outbreaks are tolerated.
2. Discussion are to be face to face with open and complete communications.
3. Take care of your own shit (cloths, personal items)
4. Divide up common need duites in the household (cleaning the floor, washing dishes, Windows?)
5. Set aside times for mutual sharing (outside of sex)
6. Counciling should be considered as manditory for both of you, him-gain self-esteem, you-learn not to be an enabler.
7. If something is bugging you at some point, stop everything and discuss it then, not save it up for another big blow.
8. Deal only with the present, not the past.
9. Respect each other at all times.

Now if you two really do care for each other, you can make this work, but if you both continue with what is going on, don't expect any changes at all, expect for things to get worse. Most often it is not all one sided, but a contribution from both. Be healing and a benefit to each other, not another burden and stop thinking, me, me, me. It should be us, us, us together.

 

[M4P]

I'd start by giving him a chance. He apologized - now wait to see if his actions support his words

Good luck to both of you

 

[spreadeagle]

It seems perfectly obvious to me. He think's you're his mother. The mistake was in moving in together.

When we are children our parents are our role models. Like sponges, we unconsciously absorb every aspect of their behavior and interactions. As adults, the moment we move into a domestic situation with a lover all our ingrained parental behaviour patterns are triggered.

His angry violence, nit-picking, and distant, moody non-communication is very likely modeled on the way his father behaved towards his mother. There will be aspects of your behaviour, too, that will be modelled on one or both of your own parents.

This sort of behaviour is not anyone's fault, and it doesn't actually mean what it appears to mean - so don't take it personally, it's not about you, or about him. But it's counter-productive. Instead of being proactive you're both being reactive.

One thing is certain - if you go on doing what you're doing now, then you can expect the same results you're getting now. You imply that you're doing his laundry and that he doesn't do the dishes - well, why have you set things up like that? If he wants his laundry done a certain way then he should do it himself.

Everyone who shares domestic space, regardless of whether or not they are in an intimate relationship, needs to come to an agreement on what chores need to be done, how often, and who is responsible for them. If a chore is one person's responsibility then the other has no right to comment negatively on the way in which the chore is performed; if one person thinks the other incapable of performing the chore to a sufficiently high standard then that chore should be alternated, or traded for one that the sloppy performer can do superbly; if one person fails to perform his chore(s) then the other person should not do them for him. Set a regular time for reviewing domestic progress - perhaps over coffee after the shopping on a Saturday morning. Make a list. Don't both talk at once. All perfectly, sensible, straightforward stuff really.

Your method of dealing with the fights and arguments is not working. I suggest you give up on the idea of who is 'right' and who is 'wrong'. You should both downplay the drama - it's not going to take either of you where you really want to go. Neither of you is going to die without the other. Confine discussion to the underlying issues; don't rehash who said what, when; make 'I' statements. Use this formula: 'When you do 'A', I think it means 'B' and then I feel 'C'. For example - 'When you spend hours on the computer I think it means you don't want to talk to me and then I feel rejected.' 'When you wash my whites and coloreds together I think it means you don't care how I look and then I feel not good enough.'

You need to spend time alone, away from the apartment as well as time together. Your b/f needs to realise that computer time is 'alone' time, not 'together' time. I suggest you structure regular 'dates' into your week.