What should I do?

[Inferno06]

Hi JUBers! Long time listener, first time caller.

I'm having issues dealing a guy I've been seeing, made more complicated by the fact that 1) I'm not out 2) I've never been in a relationship or done anything with another guy and 3) he lives in a town 3 hours away, and was going to move up here about a month ago but now it doesn't seem like it'll happen for another month or so.

Anyway he started talking to me on blendr around early October and we were chatting pretty much every day and got along really well. Met up with him a couple of weeks later which went well and by that stage we were sending bucketloads of sms's to each other and skyping maybe once a week. I also asked what exactly he wanted and he said nothing in particular and see what happens, and that he's never been in a relationship with a guy and only one relationship ever even though he's slept with a lot of guys and virtually all his friends (who are all pretty close) in the city I live in are gay and he's the only bi guy in the group even though he's mostly slept with guys, and hasn't had sex for almost 6 months. A few weeks later I went and spent the weekend with him in his hometown and lost my virginity to him and again everything was going pretty well and it was getting kinda relationshipy (at least from my POV) with hand holding and stuff. His best friend since they were kids told me on the side that this guy is dealing a bit with anxiety and depression and is still a bit confused about his sexuality (all of which I can deal with bar maybe the sexuality part, but I've been there as well), but that he does really like me. It's pretty clear he's trying to run away from his past a bit though, since he's moved interstate before coming back, and it seemed like he wasn't comfortable that virtually all of the people he knows down there know about him, and a lot of people abandoned him e.g. I think he got ostracized from the local football team once they found out.

Kept up with the smsing for a few days then a week after that he just stopped talking to me. He was up in the city I live in but didn't tell me (he must have known I would have found out through facebook though), sent me a long message apologising about not talking to me for four days when we had been messaging each other I think about 700 times or so over the past month. He said it was a pretty awful weekend, almost got into a fight etc. Anyway I have the feeling he might have hooked up with someone that weekend since I can't think of any other reason why that's the defining moment where things stated to get awkward between us. The thing is I'm not overly fussed if he did since we're hardly married or anything serious yet in which case it would obviously be an issue.

Since then he's been really inconsistent at best, and blatantly ignoring me at worst. I feel a bit embarrassed by how much it's actually hurt me and drove me nuts the last couple of weeks but it really has. Not only that but a couple of times we were going to chat on skype and he just stood me up where I'd have to sms him asking where he was, and he'd be at a friends place or something. I'm hardly going to stop him from seeing his friends for a skype chat but I found it really fucking rude, especially the second time it happened where I was up past midnight when I had to be up at 6 the next morning for work.

Spoke to him on the phone last week but I was really stressed from both fighting with my parents to the point of almost being kicked out and had just come out to my best friend who's the first person I've came out to, so I was more just happy to talk to him than anything. I asked him about it and he said that he's just really bad at staying in contact with people and that I can take it or leave it (probably appears much ruder typing that out than the way he said it) and all I could respond with was "I guess I'll have to take it" even though in hindsight that was just sorta asking for him to walk all over me a bit. I just can't understand how he could message me so often for a month and now all of a sudden he can't stay in contact for days at a time? My phone stores the last 200 sms's from a contact and half of the ones from him are from the 7th - the last day we were smsing each other endlessly. He's sms'ed me more on that one day than he has since and it just seems like a convenient excuse.

He hasn't had any contact with me since then even after I've sent a few sms's and tried to call him and it's almost been a week, and it's making me feel pathetic like I'm some kind of pest he has to placate every so often. Two of friends (one being the best friend I mentioned earlier) added me on facebook this weekend as well after I liked one of her statuses he was tagged in and I don't think that they're the type who would be malicious or anything, so I don't know but it doesn't seem like he's suggested to them he's not seeing me anymore I guess?

So basically my dilemma is where to go from here. I'm really keen on this guy and I know at least part of that is first time syndrome since this is all new to me and I'm probably obsessing over it too much but I can't really help what I feel, and we got along really well at least up until recently. I'm just really sick of only talking to him on his terms.

Should I just keep trying to persist since he could just be dealing with a lot of shit atm? Give him time and space until he moves up here? Give him an ultimatum that if we're going to go anywhere we need to talk face to face soon if we're going to be anything serious? or just move on?

Wow. Feel better for getting all that out haha. Cheers guys

 

[swerve]

Oh jeez...

I don't believe in "first time syndrome" or anything -- it sounds like you REALLY like this guy -- and he's blowing you off...

It is NOT appropriate to give him an ultimatum -- my suggestion would be to MAKE SURE he understands how much you really enjoyed his companionship...

Then -- I guess -- see where it goes from there...

You seem like such a great guy -- and it sucks that he either doesn't either see it or value it...

Best of luck to BOTH of you -- and let us know how it goes...

 

[Rickrock]

I'm the last one who should be giving you relationship advice, but I'll go for it anyway. I wonder if he is the kind of personalty who always goes for the next new thing and once he has it, he moves on to the next new thing. It's impossible to tell at this point. Making sure that he knows how you feel is a good thing and then the ball is in his court and you can't really do anything more. It would be nice if he would let you know what is going on in his mind/life, but if you force the issue that may just drive him away. Sorry, that is the best I can come up with. Good luck.

 

[Rolyo85]

I totally believe in the first time syndrome. I've experienced it, and I didn't even sleep with the guy. Let me just make a few observations:

1. You seem like a guy who has his head on his shoulders. While you exhibit some of the "inexperienced closeted guy" mistakes, you seem more aware of yourself and your circumstances than many others who breeze through here. By the way, where are you located? Judging by the "sms" thing, it's not the US. Somewhere in Europe?

2. I will say that "dealing with anxiety and depression" is always a GIANT red flag. Those people can be very charming, and great guys, but ultimately, their issues are stronger than you and they will seep into your interaction with them, and potentially trap you into a situation that's hard to run away from.

3. From your narrative it sounds like you gave it up and he lost interest. I don't mean to say he is consciously thinking that, but he definitely seems suddenly not interested. I NEVER buy the "I am not good at keeping in touch" crap. It is a flimsy excuse and doesn't hold to the minimal amount of scrutiny. If you are interested, you keep in touch, whatever type of personality you have, and he has already proven that in the previous months.

Ultimately, my suggestion is to move on. I am not saying your feelings aren't real, but they don't seem that strong yet either, and this guy is not good for you. His friends adding you on FB means nothing, they might not be privy to his dating life and its nuances. He doesn't sound like he's worth the effort, regardless of how nice he is.

And as always, I recommend that you start the process of coming out to the point where it's not a secret anymore. I don't know what your situation is with your family, but if coming out wouldn't endanger you with them, you should do it. That would not only open your eyes to a lot broader world, but will help greatly with meeting new gay people and getting "on the market" in a meaningful way

 

[Seasoned]

Welcome to JUB. Sorry to learn of your current situation. If I had to guess I'd say it was your inexperience to which he was attracted. There's no way of knowing for sure but it seems odd that he would message you like crazy and then just stop. You can't force him to communicate. Many, many years ago when I was dating in a similar situation I'd leave a message stating that since I wasn't getting anywhere the other guy could contact me at some later time. That freed me up to get busy and move on. The last I did that I totally forgot the guy until he called 3 months later. Next year we'll be celebrating our 30th anniversary.

 

[Inferno06]

Hey guys thanks for the responses

So anyway I caught him on Skype just before. Basically he's not really interested in a relationship atm but still wants to stay as friends. I feel pretty misled since that sure wasn't the impression I got from say the endless smsing, the things he said, he fact that I specifically asked him what he was looking for when I first met him etc., but I felt too uncomfortable to push it since I'm hardly going to be able to change his mind about it now am I? Next time I talk to him I might bring up that it was a bit of a shit way to go about it but I think I'll just wait till I get mostly over it first though.

And still at least it's far better closure than the whole not talking thing (he said he ran up his phone bill and it was shut off, kind of convenient but whatever). I've probably painted him in a worse light than reality. Either that or I'm being a bit of a doormat here haha.

 

[Seasoned]

All experiences that teach us something are important. You'll find that some people are addicted to the chase and that doesn't make them bad people but makes it difficult to trust them. Your mission is to not become attracted to those types or to believe every word you hear. I don't want to scare you, but even using the word "doormat" in jest can be a sign that you're aware that in being nice or understanding to the wrong person can mean being taken advantage of.

It's clear you're a person who deserves getting in return what you're willing to give. Don't change that, but add to it a bit of wisdom. The thing is doormats and muddy shoes are made for each other. Better to be the front door, receiving guests as equals and asking anyone with dirty shoes to remove them before entry.

Take good care. Please stick around and share your exploits.

 

[Inferno06]

I'm going to talk to him about it (over skype, can't really see him face to face for a while since I'm busy and it would be pretty awkward) since I didn't really yesterday and didn't let on that I'm pretty hurt from the whole thing, but I really do want to stay friends with the guy.

I've been sick in bed all day and I was going to write out how I felt so that I could sms it to him but it's turned into a 2 page essay/letter thing since I really don't have anything else to do atm. Is it worth sending it to him since it pretty much covers every base I can think of, or is the whole idea ridiculous?

 

[Rolyo85]

I have the feeling it's not worth the effort and emotional investment to do it, but you're not losing anything either.

 

[HunterM]

Don't send your essay to him if you want to stay as a friend. If he gets such a letter, he would have dropped you as a friend. Give yourself time to heal...to get a perspective. Talk to him face to face when he moves to your town.