What the fuck just happened? Another ex thread.

[saymyname]

Okay. My ex and I broke up 3 months ago. For the first month we stayed friends, he kept me hanging out for his comfort.. One night after a club we hooked up. A couple days later he told me he was dating someone and I lost it on him, told him how much of a big hypocrite he is for ending a year+ relationship due to how serious it was, and then jumping into a rebound relationship. I left 2 nasty voicemails chewing him out after he deleted me on facebook. We didn't talk since then, it had been about a month and a half.

Last week I saw him at the club and he totally avoided me, except for one part of the night where he gave me this very complicated stare.

I feel bad about being on such horrible terms with him, so I wanted to try to see if maybe we could be neutral. Tonight at the club I saw him making out with some random guy that is NOT his new bf. Outside he was looking for a cigarette, so I walked up to him and offered him one, which started this huge conversation of him saying he doesn't want to talk to me. I asked him why, and he said because he doesn't want to open up the hurtful things again. And I was like, um, what hurtful things? The voicemails? And he said yes. And I said do you think whatever I said in those voicemails hurt as much as how much it hurt me when you basically replaced me. Do you think that my angry reaction was somehow not legitimate. And he wouldn't answer me. And I said if you're so fucking over me that you could start a new relationship a month after we broke up, then why can't you talk to me right now? Why are you still upset? And he just kept avoiding it.

And then we got into it, him saying, I don't want to talk to you, I'm sick of how you make me feel like the bad guy, that break up was both of our decision together. And I said oh please, it was our decision because I brought it up before you had the chance to fucking dump me. And he said, "you're not the victim, I didn't break your heart," and my jaw dropped. All I could say was if you are so confident in that decision, that you think you are not a total hypocrite, that you didn't just cheat on your boyfriend, after getting out of a year long relationship with someone else, if you're so confident that you're not in the wrong here, then why can't you just talk to me? And he wouldn't. And I kept just asking him to fucking OWN UP to what he did. To admit that I had every right to be so angry when he "moved on" in a month. And to explain how if he moved on so easily then why does he avoid me and get so upset whenever he sees me. And he couldn't.

Then his queeny friends started separating me from him, there was some pushing, I basically told them that they are village trash and that they don't even know what happened, and I said to my ex, why are you so fucked up? Why are you such a fuck up that you can't even face what happened?

And that was it. It kills me because I know I look like the crazy one, but I told him, I don't want to hate you, and I'm sorry for leaving those angry voicemails, but I had every right, didn't I? And he wouldn't admit it, acting like what I said in a voicemail was half as painful as the hypocrisy. And I'm not a fucking victim. I'm a fucking martyr, that I had to love a guy for a year while he has an identity crisis, runs me around, and then I have to deal with the pain of him being a fucking headcase. Even his roommate, his best friend, is on my side, hates him, and plans on moving out.

I sent him one last text saying I didn't want things to be like this, that I told him the night we broke up that I would hate him for a while (especially after what happened) and that if he can't handle the truth, then fuck him and he's not my problem.

It just fucks me up that you can love someone for over a year, be with someone, and then in public he won't even talk to you. Ultimately, I am just going to stop caring. He fooled around on me emotionally when we were together, and now he's cheating on his new bf, and can't confront his ex.

 

[hotatlboi]

holy fuck man. you broke up, he asked you to leave him alone, so do so.

No offense but you come off like an obsessed stalker in all that, and this isn't the first time you posted about how you are continuing to obsess over him since your breakup.

Stop thinking about him, stop talking to him, stop calling, stop worrying about what he's doing or who he's with, for your own benefit as well as his.

 

[G-Lexington]

So he's a cheater, a manipulator, and he has as many issues as National Geographic. And you're upset because you can't talk to him and be friends with him?

Honestly, it sounds like the real issue lies with you. You want to be friends with him (and maybe add benfits to the mix) while keeping on top of his dating calendar and ethics book. You want him to be something he isn't, and presumably won't ever be. I think he's done the right thing - cut all contact. It just now falls on you to come to the same conclusion.

Lex

 

[rareboy]

Oh, move on already.

 

[KaraBulut]

It's a bad idea to go out to a club with an ex, especially a recent ex. Dinner, yes. Movie, sure. Jogging, ok. Place with other guys and alcohol, no.

If the two of you can't be civil and not drag out the baggage from your now-over relationship, then the two of you can't be friends. That's the bottom line.

 

[saymyname]

We stopped talking for like a month and a half, two months after the big blowout we had when he told me he was dating someone (which was 2 days after we last hooked up). I don't think you guys are being totally fair. We have friends in common and I don't want to be FRIENDS with him at this point, but can't you relate to how much it sucks to be on such horrible terms with someone that you were once in love with? That's all I was trying to mend. I just think it's fucked up that we can't be on decent terms because HE'S upset about how I got upset about something I had every right to get upset over. This isn't about trying to be friends or trying to be fuck buddies or whatever, it's about why someone who is presumably so over things, someone who could replace someone, why someone like that can't face this other person, says that it still hurts, etc. It was REALLY insulting for him to start a rebound relationship, and all I wanted was for him to own that, and admit that I had a right to be angry, but instead he just acts like he's the innocent one because of things I said. I wasn't trying to be fucking nice and sweet with him, it'd just be cool if people could own what they did instead of constantly covering it up in repression and avoidance.

But one thing is for sure. For the life of me I can't figure out what goes on in his retarded little head, and I should definitely stop trying to get any kind of closure from a kid who probably didn't even assess things at all. I shouldn't TRY to make peace, ever. He has confused me so many times, at first saying we could be friends after the summer, then in a month, that maybe we'd get back together in 4 years, and now he says maybe we can be on good terms in 4 years, all because of how I reacted to his hypocritical news, that he rubbed in my face? Please. When you can't even face someone and one of the things you say is, "I'm not a bad person," but you can't answer his fucking one question about legitimacy of emotional response, you probably are a bad fucking person, and I think he's having trouble owning up to what he did.

 

[Seasoned]

He did you a favor. This isn't an issue of who's right; it's an issue of compatibility. If you need help moving on find a therapist. I know it's done, but I don't understand how one stays friends with an ex. There are stages of grief and you seem to be somewhere between anger and bargaining.

 

[KaraBulut]

We have friends in common and I don't want to be FRIENDS with him at this point, but can't you relate to how much it sucks to be on such horrible terms with someone that you were once in love with?

You've gotten responses from three older guys who have each been in relationships for over a decade.

We've seen it all. Really we have.

What we're trying to tell you is that you spend a lot of time and energy on anger and frustration. If you spent just a portion of that time on moving on, you and those around you would be happier.

This is not meant to be harsh, it's intended to make you stop and maybe make you think, "I need to let go of all this emotion because it's just not good for me".

 

[saymyname]

He did you a favor. This isn't an issue of who's right; it's an issue of compatibility. If you need help moving on find a therapist. I know it's done, but I don't understand how one stays friends with an ex. There are stages of grief and you seem to be somewhere between anger and bargaining.

What does compatibility have to do with the basic scenario: two people who haven't talked in a while because of a big fight, one tries to be halfway decent and say hello, the other refuses to talk because of how "hurt" he was over what I said in response to how much what he did hurt me, and then we get in a big argument. I don't understand what compatibility has to do with that. I think if you were so peechy keen and over someone that you could replace him a month later, then you shouldn't still have issues with the situation, and you shouldn't be so upset over his angry response, considering the circumstances. It just pisses me off how he tries to act like he's the one that got hurt too, like he's the one that got FUCKED UP over it all, but then he tries to act like he's not hurt and not fucked up by rebounding, and yet he can't even look me in the face. There is just a huge contradiction in logic there and that's what pisses me off so much. If he didn't CARE about the thing, then he would be reacting with total indifference, instead of trying to bring up how my angry voicemails were so hurtful, and the idea that he didn't care and had such total emotional disregard as to date someone right away is what caused me to get so angry. But then he can't even face me because he obviously still has emotional baggage over it, so then it's like, well then why the fuck did you do that in the first place?

 

[saymyname]

You've gotten responses from three older guys who have each been in relationships for over a decade.

We've seen it all. Really we have.

What we're trying to tell you is that you spend a lot of time and energy on anger and frustration. If you spent just a portion of that time on moving on, you and those around you would be happier.

This is not meant to be harsh, it's intended to make you stop and maybe make you think, "I need to let go of all this emotion because it's just not good for me".

Thanks. I get that. Honestly, I've been thinking about it less and less, it's been troubling me less and less. I almost felt OKAY about things at one point, which is why I tried to make a little peace offering last night, and I was just taken aback that he was still so not into being on good terms just because of what I said. As if I WANT to hate him. But he can't understand that he has made it pretty hard not to. I guess what I'm trying to understand from all of this is why someone would try to present, through their actions, that they're so moved on (rebounding, doing the whole makeover look at how much fun I have thing, etc.) but then in fact they can't even face what happened. I guess it would be nice to hear some confirmation that, probably in a different way, he's equally hurt or still dealing with it like I am. It was so infuriating for him to replace me that quickly, the audacity of it, it made me feel like he spent no time mourning the relationship at all. But now here we are, him unable to talk because HE'S still upset about my reaction, HE'S still upset over how he thinks I try to make him feel guilty, and generally finds it difficult to talk about the thing, always falling back on the same "we made that breakup together" excuse. Even going as far to say he didn't break my heart. If he was so over it that he could date someone new (and subsequently make me feel like shit and make the entire mourning process feel cheap) then why does he still have all of these issues? The idea that he's still fucked up and just hasn't faced it offers me solace. I would rather him be fucked up and avoiding it than truly not have any emotions for it whatsoever, as that just makes the whole thing feel for naught.

 

[rareboy]

I know it's done, but I don't understand how one stays friends with an ex.

My ex is one of our best friends and still a partner in several real estate ventures 30 years later.

It can be done.

But if your ex wants to cut off contact. Let him.

 

[saymyname]

My ex is one of our best friends and still a partner in several real estate ventures 30 years later.

It can be done.

But if your ex wants to cut off contact. Let him.

Cutting contact at first was a mutual decision. I thought it'd be okay to talk by now. What I'm trying to figure out from this thread, is WHY he's still hurt, if he moved on so quickly, why is it still necessary for him to cut contact. What I mean is: moving on and dating someone else + not being able to confront your ex and refusing to talk with your ex based on a big fight about his reaction to your rebound + still being so upset about some voicemails he left you and acting as if those are half as bad as your own actions + being so angry about the whole thing that you can't even talk about it = does not sound HEALED or moved on to me, which makes me wonder why you would date someone new in the first place. And it also just kind of sucks that things have become so bad when, if either I didn't say the mean things I said (which were emotional and honest and truthful), or if he could understand WHY I said those things (and last night he refused to answer that question: was it not a valid response?), if it weren't for those things, my hostility and his refusal to admit that my reaction was legit, then maybe we could try to at least be on decent terms, which is what I was TRYING to accomplish last night. But apparently he's still hurt and fucked up about it, which is ironic considering how quickly he "moved on" to someone else.

 

[saymyname]

Let go and move on.

You're exhausting all this unnecessary energy. Maybe you need therapy like someone said.

And in your first post you come off as obsessive and self-centered.

Why can't you let this guy be? You can't leave him alone?

Dude, we haven't talked in like a month and half, two months, and I was trying to open up some decency. I don't go through my days obsessing about him. We DID let each other be for a while, so I thought it'd be okay to try and be on good terms. I'm not sure if you're really connecting with the central conflict that I'm getting at, which I've tried to explain numerous times. It's more complicated than simply leaving each other alone, there's subtext, there's layers. There's history. Do you get that? I'm just trying to make sense of things that seem totally contradictory.

Maybe I should look into therapy because I can't come to terms with anything, none of it makes any rational sense to me. :/

 

[rareboy]

It's more complicated than simply leaving each other alone, there's subtext, there's layers. There's history. Do you get that? I'm just trying to make sense of things that seem totally contradictory.

Maybe I should look into therapy because I can't come to terms with anything, none of it makes any rational sense to me. :/

I think you may need something because it all seems pretty clear-cut to most of us.

You're still grieving and letting it control you.

Sometimes you don't get a nice resolution all wrapped up in ribbon.

Learn from the past. Don't repeat the same mistakes and just with one another well if you can.

But don't let this stuff take total control of your life.

 

[altlover85]

I've read your posts and it seems like you want closure by having him say the things that you want him to say and admit to the things you want him to admit to as far as his feelings go. Maybe he just can't do that.

Not hearing his side of the story you seem like the more emotional one of the pair and he seems more detached and not ready to deal with things. You have to let go and face the fact that he won't do the things you want him to do.

People contradict themselves and say one thing and do another. You also have to be willing to say that's the way some people are and those people won't live up to your expectations.

 

[saymyname]

I think you may need something because it all seems pretty clear-cut to most of us.

You're still grieving and letting it control you.

Sometimes you don't get a nice resolution all wrapped up in ribbon.

Learn from the past. Don't repeat the same mistakes and just with one another well if you can.

But don't let this stuff take total control of your life.

Thanks. I'm doing better than I was a few months ago. It's hard to explain. When someone does that, it's natural to get really angry. It's like that Alanis Morisette song, You Oughta Know. In a way, to see him last night, cheating on his bf, and then unable to even speak to me, unable to confront anything, own it, or even deny it, it just kind of confirmed to me what I expected all along, which is that he represses things so deeply he can't even face them. Like I said. That's a lot better than feeling like this person really did get over you in a month flat.

altlover - you are pretty much spot on about emotional/detached. It's always been like that. I was provoking so much because I was shocked that he actually wasn't comfortable to talk (I would have been), and I just wanted him to admit why he isn't comfortable with it. His refusal to admit anything was an admission in and of itself. I wish he could open up and we could both just apologize and be on decent terms, but I guess he's still upset about... what... how upset I got? What a joke.

Thanks, both of you.

 

[altlover85]

saymyname, even though he's a bit repressed, it doesn't mean he doesn't have feelings or isn't able to be hurt. He has a right to feel upset, regardless of whether the cause of those feelings is legitimate or not.

Your relationship reminded me of the one with my ex, except that I was more like him and my ex was more like you. We never got quite as angry with each other as you two have. We are still friends now, but it's actually kind of awkward because he hasn't changed that much and still feels that I have a fair amount of the same issues as I had before and he still says the occasional thing that makes me remember why we aren't together. We had some good times, but I'm so much more happy with my current boyfriend who I have more in common with and mesh with more on a personal level and who is not controlling. I sometimes wish my current boyfriend was more emotional, but I wouldn't trade how he is for being a bit more emotional. No one's perfect.

 

[saymyname]

It's one thing to be repressed, but it's another thing to be repressed, pretend you're not, rebound, act like it's okay to rebound, be angry that the other person got angry about your rebound... if he's hurt, or has feelings, which he clearly is/does, then why would he go and do those horrible things in the first place!? It was a slap in the face... the breakup wasn't even that bad up until that point, when he did that, I got physically ill afterwards...

I have one last question to pose though... one of the things he said last night in his defense was that, "we both agreed to that breakup, together," and it's not the first time he's expressed that as a defense. And I always tell him - what was I supposed to do? Disagree to your admission that you were about to dump me? Beg you not to? Lie and act like I wasn't think about it too? Act completely surprised and ask to work things out? I mean, he makes it sound like it's equally my fault (and thus he has no guilt) because I didn't do anything to "stop" the break up. For one thing, is that to somehow suggest that if I would have 'disagreed' to the breakup, that we would have worked things out? What the fuck is he trying to imply? Secondly, just because I 'agreed' to the breakup doesn't mean that the things that were pulling us apart were any less his own shit. And it doesn't mean that his actions afterwards were any less insulting. But yeah, I mean, why does he use that as some kind of defense, as if I should have been like, hey, no, how about we don't break up and how about I forget that you were planning on dumping me after that weekend.

 

[altlover85]

If he wanted to rebound, he has that right. It might have hurt you, but then when you acted pissed about it and sent him those nasty voicemails it hurt his feelings. Maybe it doesn't make 100% logical sense to you, but perhaps in his mind he felt things were over (which they were) and he wanted to move on with his life. You being hurt doesn't mean that he can't rebound or that he can't feel hurt if you told him to go to hell or whatever else. Again, it doesn't have to make sense to you and maybe it just won't. People aren't always logical and they especially aren't always logical according to someone else's internal logic.

As far as him saying you both broke up, I've had that disagreement with my ex and we never have agreed on who broke up with who. I thought we came to a mutually exclusive agreement and he thinks he dumped me. In his mind you both broke up together and maybe he doesn't feel as much guilt as you think he should, but you can't change that and so he may always use that as a defense.

 

[saymyname]

For your first point - fair enough. Well said. It's just that I don't think he should be surprised that I reacted painfully and lashed out. Especially considering the hypocrisy of it, you know? That's all.

As for the breaking up thing, it's just that, yeah, it was mutual, but I told him repeatedly that I only 'agreed' to it because I don't know what else to do, because I was saving face. But to me, it just doesn't change anything that lead up to it, all his crazy shit.

Anyways, I'm just going to forget about it. At this point he is not the kind of person I would want to associate with anyways. I was trying to open up good terms again to be decent, but after him being a total hypocrite and not being able to admit that we both had reasons to be angry, why bother.