What the hell is wrong with me?

[me12121]

Ever since coming to university, I've been feeling totally different from everyone else. I usually can't describe my problems on the whim, so I've been making a list for the last couple months, adding things right when I feel them.

Onto what made me write this post. I was chatting with some people on my school's DC++ online chat, and one guy was asking everyone to come play poker with them at this lounge on campus. I said no cause I'm so nervous around people in person and am always worrying about what they think of me. A few minutes after they stopped begging, this guy who I have no idea who he is comes to my door and asks, "Wanna come play?" I had totally forgotten about the online conversation by then so I got all confused. After he told me who he was, I still said no and made some excuse, but really I said no for the same reason as before. A few minutes after he left I started thinking that that was the perfect opportunity for me to make some friends and I still didn't go. I'm always feeling sad because I don't have many friends and when they basically fall into my lap, I still refuse. What the fuck is wrong with me? Well I did totally relate when my prof was talking about avoidance in my psychology course. I probably should've gone but being there with 10 people is too much.

So I thought I would post my list and see what you guys think:

• I hear people talking outside of my room a lot, but im always afraid to join them
• I have zero self esteem/self confidence
• I feel so different
• I have no friends/no one to talk to
• I feel like I don't deserve friends
• I'm far too scared to talk to someone first, ever. I just assume no one would want to talk to me, they'll just reject me
• Why must my parents make such a big deal when I do something that most people do everyday, but I usually don't? It makes me feel even more different
• I feel so lonely and sad every weekend
• I can't stand my birthday, or new years or any other holidays because it just reminds me how alone i really am
• My social skills suck
• I don't think I'll ever be able to come out (even though I know I have to)
• I feel like it's impossible for me to ever be happy
• I feel so inadequate when I'm around other people
• I don't think I'll ever be able to get close to anyone since I have this huge wall up, and that scares me
• I get really uncomfortable around people I don't know

So, uh, what do you guys think?
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[AndrewH]

Self-esteem issues, some social phobia and depression. I think most schools have a counseling service, you should contact them and take your list.

 

[69Strat]

What you're describing sounds like somebody who is too self-absorbed. Spend some time helping others and hooking up with students who do charity work at your campus. If you're good in certain academic areas, then reach out to help somebody who might not be so good. As you begin to invest energy outside of yourself, positive energy will come back to you.

For your self-esteem choose to associate with people who are uplifting and are not afraid of complimenting you. I also suggest you purchase some books and CDs on affirmations, so you can learn to change your negative thought process, because it isn't going to help your journey.

Remember, your negative feelings are not you. It is simply your conditioning, which can be changed by changing your direction. Be the best you can be every day and your self-esteem will grow by leaps and bounds.

Take care.

 

[OptimisticallyPessimistic]

First off, 69strat, that was not exactly the nicest thing to say. Telling somebody they're self-absorbed when they clearly have confindence issues is just shoving their face further into the mud.

Second bi-polar is condition were a person displays severe highs and lows in moods. For the most part I've only picked up extreme lows. Depression definitly.

And finally to actually comment on the thread. Dude, you need to talk to a counslor or theripist. As far as making friends, I can understand how difficult that is. From my experience you've just have to try one person at a time. Just talk to somebody, the worst that could happen is you'll end up in an awkward silence. Give it a shot, see what happens, and try and keep your head up. Good luck.

 

[drhladnjak]

I agree that a visit to counseler or therapist is a good idea. When I was younger, I had very similar feelings. To make a long story short, I saw a therapist for a while but ultimately I ran out of free sessions and my insurance wouldn't pay for a therapist in my location (450 miles from home where my dad's insurance was based). I remained unhappy and lonely for a long time, often beating myself up for not being able to make friends.

In the end things worked out, but only after a lot of stress. Eventually, I somehow accepted the way things were and started focusing my energy elsewhere on work, school and various extracurricular activities like volunteer work in the community and my housing co-op. In those activities, I met people I really had something in common with (besides just living in the same dorm).

My coming out also played a big role in changing my outlook. At the time, I didn't see the damage I was causing to myself by being in the closet. Now, I look back and see how it did affect my ability to be close to and interact with others. It also prevented a lot of emotional and personal growth that most people experience when they date and form intimate relationships in college.

Also remember, that if you can just make a couple of acquaintances one-on-one (less stressful for those with social phobia), you'll probably find it easier to go a larger group event with one of those people you already know.

 

[me12121]

If that works out, then maybe the next step is to find those people and set up a game of cards on your own. You weren't rude to them before, but if you want to hang out with them, the ball is in your court now. At worst, maybe they will say "Fine, but what was your problem last time?" and you can PLAN to say "Yeah, sorry, I just didn't feel like a game that night."

Funny thing is, it's not even that hard. When they came back, they were like, "You gotta come next time." I said that I don't know how to play poker, cause I really don't, and they said, "Just come and chat!" So maybe I'll get the courage to go next time since it won't be as much of a surprise. Most of the guys aren't even in this building, just the one who came and knocked on my door. We all met randomly on the school's file sharing network.

And yeah, I've thought a lot about seeing a councellor in the past but most of the time I just forget about my problems and think, "I don't need a councellor." That's really why I started writing them down. I should see a councellor one day, but I've got to get the courage to do that too.

Anyway, thanks for all your advice. Time for class.

 

[me12121]

Update: I made some progress! A week after I made this post, I popped by during one of their poker games to see what was going on. I only went because I was waiting for my food to be done at the on-campus restaurant and needed something to do for 10 minutes. So I'd have to leave after 10 minutes anyway, in case I got super nervous.

So today they talked about playing poker again, and I decided to go since I knew them all in the 10 minutes I was with them a couple weeks ago. It was pretty great not being alone on a Friday night for once. We played for 5 hours straight and I just got home. I had no idea how to play but they were really nice in teaching me. There were a few bad moments like when one guy said, "I'm going to go egg the resnet office and rainbow centre. Two birds with one stone." He's really nice otherwise though. And no one seemed to agree with him anyway. The one guy is really open minded, pro gay marriage and all that. And the other guy seems quite a bit like me, a nerd, hasn't ever gotten drunk and doesn't get high even though he's over 19.

I still need to work on my social skills though. When two of the guys went to the bathroom and there were two of us left, I really didn't know what to say. But other than that it was fun!

 

[JackFTwist]

it is natural to hit these feelings when in a transition/new situation, just as college

you're ok, you're normal, so don't fret that, but get yourself to the school's counseling service as fast as you can

 

[dexyboi86]

I suggest counseling. In my uneducated opinion, this sounds like a social disorder with a touch of depression.

 

[drhladnjak]

I'm glad to hear you took some initiative and got to know these other people. In the future, remember how taking such a small risk payed off!