What to choose: Job or my lover?

[WellAlright]

Hi guys,

Every now and then I stop in here with a question regarding an issue that I'm dealing with. I have always appreciated the advice given to me here, but I believe this is my most conflicting issue yet:

I (23) am in my first relationship with an older man (63). I have known him for a couple years now, have started up a sexual relationship last year and have reconnected this year after I graduated college. We have been in contact while I was away in college and we both express our love for each other.

After I graduated, my next goal in life is to get a job, but with the current state of the job market, that goal seemed unreachable. I was lucky to have gotten an internship right after I graduated, and once that internship ended, I moved in with my boyfriend (per his request). I had the choice of either moving back home with my parents being jobless, or moving in with my lover and being jobless. Of course the latter sounded ore desirable although I did think it was a bit risky moving in so fast after having reconnecting since my last year in college.

Anyway, I was looking at this opportunity as being a great learning experience to explore my relationship with my lover as I started a new chapter in my life. It is my first relationship and he is the only man I have been sexual with.

I have so much love for him, he is currently struggling a bit financially and I enjoy supporting him. The only thing is, since I have moved in, I have been doing absolutely nothing else with my life. I very rarely see friends my own age now (a BIG change from the college life), I have no job (despite me looking and applying every day), and my lover often spends full days outside of the house while he makes business deals or meets his own friends.

I see him in the mornings and the evenings, and those times are absolutely beautiful. It's just, he has his life here and is busy with it. I on the other hand sit at home and basically do nothing. I told him we should plan some of our days to be active together, maybe go for a run in the mornings together, a hike, go out to dinner, go to the city together, etc. And sometimes we DO do these things together, but lately he has had so many business gigs that there just isn't much time for me until he gets home in the evening. I COMPLETELY understand and I support his life.

The thing is, I was recently just called for a potential year long internship that is 8 hours away from my lover. It's been narrowed down to 3 candidates, myself included. The internship itself could be promising, though the job isn't exactly as exciting as I'd prefer and is only part time, but it is rich in valuable work experience that will undoubtedly help me get future jobs through the work I do and the connections/references I make.

I am having a hard time choosing what I would do if I were offered this internship. The good thing is I'd be working, keeping busy and active while I feel I have some sort of purpose to my life as opposed to idling away at my lover's house. The bad thing is, I would be split from my lover, something I fear would end our relationship. He can't move with me, he has his life here and is happy. I was hoping I could find a job a lot closer to him, but I know that that can very well just be wishful and unrealistic thinking.

So, what do I choose? My lover told me he would be sad if I left, and he would try and visit me, but I know this whole thing would strain our relationship. He even told me before when we first reconnected that he can't do long distance relationships and I can't blame him for that. He loves me and supports whatever I do, although he did try and influence me that this job isn't worth it with it being only part time and $12/hour. The thing is, it's more about the work experience I get, not the money, at this point. And it's SO hard to land a job these days in my field, that I feel somewhat obligated to take whatever I can get. Would I be dumb to decline this job opportunity for the sake of my lover?

 

[Rolyo85]

As hard as it is to leave someone you love, I would definitely suggest you take the job. He is much older than you and already has his whole life set - his job, friends, everything. You, however, are just starting in life. You have to build something for yourself, on your own. And it is very unfair of him not to support you in this.

All I can say is - do what feels right to YOU, no matter what you want or think he wants. However, I believe that if you keep living the way you are now, your relationship will turn bitter. You are way too young to settle for being just somebody's "spouse", and not realizing your potential will eventually ruin what you are afraid of losing now.

 

[Lefty]

Welly,

I am going to be blunt...lets not dance around love of my life..I'd die without
or the other schmaltzy schit...
Grandpa has a live in maid cook and bottle washer, security service and also
bedwarmer. You state clearly, he has time for you WHEN convenient for him.

Age, he could be the great grandfather to your child. What happens in 10-15
years assuming your still his nursemaid? An old college degree in your pocket
and a blank resume...Going to tell the interviewer you were a housewife for
all that time. And friends...sure at the geriatric center or the old mens club card
games....maybe even Bingo.

Dude, Gramps said he would 'try' to 'visit' and he isn't good at long distance
relationships...You don't have a relationship now...you have an apprentice
program. Grandpa and I are almost the same age. If I were in his position
I would be very hurt to lose you but even more hurt for you to continue to lose
YOUR identity, YOUR personality, YOUR life experiences.

Tell the old boy you'll give him a call, or if you're in the area you'll stop in AND
most important...he is invited to do the same. Sorry about the rant, I'll no doubt,
probably lose my Milk of Human Kindness Sr. Level card for this...but
think, please think.

 

[IowaGuy]

I'd say take the job - it will give you some independence.

 

[medic1]

Hey There.
As usual Lefty hit,s the bullseye if i were you i would take the job and the change
of lifestyle faster than a ferret up a drainpipe .
Dude you like older men and that is great , fuck all wrong with that at all .
Just once instead of sitting at your lovers home all day while he is out and about
think about yourself , another poster made a great point about him having his
life and being all settled plus the distance issue could cause problems .
You are just starting your way in life and as you say if this job opens more
opportunities for you workwise then it really is a no brainer, TAKE the job .
Keep us posted and good luck .

 

[maxpowr9]

I would say job by far. In this market, I would choose my job over even my friends. If your current BF doesn't realize that, I would sincerely doubt he would support any other endeavors of yours also.

 

[WellAlright]

Thanks for the replies, guys. What you have all said are answers I already had floating in my head, but your input just helped validate them.

I want to make it clear to you, Lefty, that my mindset is NOT like the "love of my life...I'd die without" scenario that you dramatically illustrated. But everything else you said I agree with. I only call him my lover because we do love each other and our relationship is not entirely as one-sided as it came across in my first post. I consider our relationship beyond the lightly put "boyfriend/dating" status. I consider myself cursed with being attracted to older men, something that almost seems like a disaster for an equal-partner relationship considering the two VERY different places we both are in our lives.

I am going back to graduate school in Fall of 2012, so I by no means plan to sit around for the rest of my life doing nothing and be his nursemaid. I decided to take a year off between undergrad an graduate school to try and find some work experience, and to give myself a break from the school/work routine that I've been living for so many years.

But I don't think I can handle idling around for the rest of the year. We WERE planning on traveling out of the country for a month or two in the Fall, but like you guys have suggested, throwing away an opportunity for work seems foolish.

 

[Lefty]

Welly

I detect a bit of animosity ... I was not slamming you son. I was doing the

Soap Opera effect to get your attention and maybe prod you to think.

If you check with people here, I don't give advice too often. I can't do the

simple answer like TAKE THE JOB. I want to know why someone says

something to me and being a bit of a pendant...draw pictures when I make

a suggestion or offer an opinion...so I'll retract my little essay and you can

run with the crowds observations.

Best of luck however you opt..

 

[WellAlright]

Welly

I detect a bit of animosity ... I was not slamming you son. I was doing the

Soap Opera effect to get your attention and maybe prod you to think.

If you check with people here, I don't give advice too often. I can't do the

simple answer like TAKE THE JOB. I want to know why someone says

something to me and being a bit of a pendant...draw pictures when I make

a suggestion or offer an opinion...so I'll retract my little essay and you can

run with the crowds observations.

Best of luck however you opt..

Hi Lefty,

I did not feel you were slamming me, no animosity on my end Sorry if you felt that way. I appreciate the details explaining your answer. I just did not want anybody to get the wrong impression of what he relationship was like; I am not of the mindset to be somebody's housewife!

 

[Nice Boy]

I would say take the job... I am really very sorry to say that but usually relationships with such a wide age gap do not work. Perhaps you are an exception but I wouldn't sacrifice the chance and renounce a good job.

 

[KaraBulut]

It's not clear if you're planning on going to graduate school and working or if you're planning on taking a job for a year then quitting to go to school full time.

Either way, it's time you became an independent adult with a job, a social life and your own support system. The life you are living (or lack thereof) is not healthy for a 23 year old.

There is plenty that you could be doing during the day- volunteer work, temp work, a part-time job.

This would be the same advice if you were unemployed living with your parents or if you were a married person with no social network independent of your spouse, by the way.

 

[Seasoned]

I'm 65 and if I were your live in bf I'd insist on it. If it's meant to be he can move to you when he retires.

 

[NSX577]

My personal opinion when it comes to something like this, is that I would take the job and if it is meant to be it is meant to be and will work out. In this economy you need the experience and you need to remain competitive. Good luck with your decision and I wish you the best.

 

[thephoenix]

Someone who truly loves you wouldn't try to influence your decision on something like this to suit what he wants. By doing so he is saying he considers his needs to be above yours.

Look at your situation from outside the context of this job opportunity for a moment: from the information you've provided, you essentially have no life or identity of your own. You don't have friends your own age (though I get the impression you probably don't spend any significant amount of time with anyone except your significant other). I'm getting that you are unhappy with the amount of time that you get to spend with him as well since he spends a great deal of time away from home at work and with his own friends.

Here's the thing: what is keeping you from living your life? Unless he has you chained in the basement I don't understand his role in your "doing absolutely nothing else with your life." I get that job wise you may be limited in your area and field where you live, but as far as not having a social life or hobbies, etc goes, that is all you.

As a previous poster has mentioned, this man has lived his life. You're just starting yours and you're depriving yourself the opportunity to live it. Why is his life and happiness more important than your own?

 

[sixthson]

If there is room for his walker to fit in the car, take the bf with you.

 

[WellAlright]

Someone who truly loves you wouldn't try to influence your decision on something like this to suit what he wants. By doing so he is saying he considers his needs to be above yours.

Look at your situation from outside the context of this job opportunity for a moment: from the information you've provided, you essentially have no life or identity of your own. You don't have friends your own age (though I get the impression you probably don't spend any significant amount of time with anyone except your significant other). I'm getting that you are unhappy with the amount of time that you get to spend with him as well since he spends a great deal of time away from home at work and with his own friends.

Here's the thing: what is keeping you from living your life? Unless he has you chained in the basement I don't understand his role in your "doing absolutely nothing else with your life." I get that job wise you may be limited in your area and field where you live, but as far as not having a social life or hobbies, etc goes, that is all you.

As a previous poster has mentioned, this man has lived his life. You're just starting yours and you're depriving yourself the opportunity to live it. Why is his life and happiness more important than your own?

I should have made it clear that I have only been living with him for a little over two weeks now. So because of my short time here, I haven't really had the chance to settle in and make a new life for myself here.

I had hoped it wouldn't be long before I found a new job. In the mean time, in my spare time, I planned on visiting with friends and doing a bit of traveling myself so I could enjoy my time off. However, the friends that I know where I am now have jobs or are just starting school again and therefore I haven't had much of a chance for a social life as well -- besides weekends, of course, which I had hoped to enjoy with my partner.

It is hard to really portray the kind of relationship we have. It sounds more one-sided than it really is; I'm more just fed up because I have too much free time, but I do enjoy the time we spend together and I consider him someone dear to my heart. I had planned to enjoy some months with him, travel a bit with him, and so on to see how our relationship develops, and was willing to sacrifice my own social life as a result.

I had my qualms about moving in and knew full well the difficulty of an inter-generational relationship, but I guess because it's only been two weeks I was hesitant at the prospect of accepting a job offer so far away so soon without really giving a live-in relationship with him a chance.

I had a goal to get at least one more internship/job before graduate school while also fitting in a month long vacation with him as my own graduation gift. I never planned on settling for this idle lifestyle for the remainder of the year. The job opportunity just came up a lot sooner than I expected.

Thank you all for your feedback. I will definitely feel much better about accepting the job offer if they do indeed offer it to me

 

[Seasoned]

Good luck to you with this job possibility and your future career.