What to do about a guy who hits/intimidates

[Hot White Trash]

I guess we all have our issues. One of mine is a bit of a temper. And it only makes things worse that I am kinda muscular (ok, a lot). I want to get better and I am working on it, but I am scaring guys I like off.

I met a really nice guy at a party and then ran into later. He got my number from a friend and we went out a couple times. But out of nowhere he said I made him nervous. He still went out with me until we had a little fight and I smacked him. Well that was it for him. But we are still friends.

Another guy is Octavio. We keep playing this cat and mouse game and it freaked me out when he also said I made him nervous. WTF? He's not much smaller than me ( I am only 6', 180).

And the last guy was in the military so I assumed he was tough. We were seeing each other for a couple months. We got into a little bit of a wrestling match and maybe I got a little aggressive. Next thing I know he is sitting there looking like he's gonna cry.

First, do any of you experience this - from either side? Are some guys both attracted to and scared of your size?

Second, i know you shouldn't put your hands on anyone, but is even a little smack really worth breaking up with someone?

 

[Under-taken]

Violence is violence, if its uncomfortable for them and it intimidates them, then its worth breaking up with the individual.

 

[Críostóir]

It depends on the feel of the smack. From what you've said, though, it sounds like your temper frightens people; that probably means it's serious.

Remember that what matters is what THEY think/feel about it. Your feelings are relevant to dealing with it, but not to the meaning of each event.

The guy sitting there looking like he's going to cry is a major red flag. People pick up on what's going on with you, even if you don't know yourself. I'm not sure what you mean by "maybe I got a little aggressive," but it sounds like you went too far.

I've been there from both sides. I broke up with one boyfriend because he hit me (I still have pain in certain weather, so this wasn't a "little smack"), and with another because he drove me so crazy I was afraid I was going to start hitting him.

I strongly recommend that you see a therapist about your temper. Tell him (probably should be a man) about all these events, but go into more detail about "maybe I got a little aggressive" and so on. This is something you have to work out.

And yes, if it's got a scary enough feel, a "little smack" is worth breaking up with someone. No one should be involved with someone they're seriously afraid of (e.g. Bella is a fucking idiot).

 

[Sam Blum]

THere is NEVER a reason to 'smack,' slap, hit a friend. What an abuse of trust. And if your other friend looked really upset after wrestling, I would guess that he felt really let down and taken advantage of in some way, and by somebody he had counted on to have fun with - not to be abused by.

Clearly you have seen a pattern - get help in needs be from professionals, but at the end of the day, if you don't decide to pull yourself together and stop having a go at others, that is your choice and could one day get you and some really sweet guy into hot water. Maybe one will really clobber you, or you'll lose the love of your life, or worse.

I've wrestled to exhaustion and never felt like weeping, but I've also been pushed 'accidently' and ended up falling down a flight of stairs and returned the favour by losing all trust and walking out - same guy both times. One speaks to developing trust and the other destroyed it.

Good luck sorting your shit out.

 

[Hot White Trash]

Good points, especially about what the other guy thinks/feels/sees. That is really my issue. Somehow I am being seen as something I am not.

The wrestling was really nothing. We were on a bed being playful and he is really competitive so I just pinned him to the bed. Didn't throw him or anything. (One of my issues with guys in general is that they don't talk. He never said what the problem was.)

I have been told by my friends that I hit too hard so I try not to. That is why I smack instead of punch, but even the last friend I smacked gave me a dirty look.

 

[Críostóir]

Good points, especially about what the other guy thinks/feels/sees. That is really my issue. Somehow I am being seen as something I am not.

You say that, but multiple men see you one way, and you see yourself another. Maybe you're right and you just need tougher friends, but it's more likely that your self-image is a little inaccurate, and that you need to modify your behavior.

Seriously, talk this over with a therapist. Even if you decide nothing is wrong with the way you're acting, you'll have more peace of mind about it.

 

[braex27]

You could always be up front - give your date fair warning that you are not the way some people perceive you to be, that sometimes you can be a little physical but that it's meant to be friendly and not violent.

Ask them to be open with you about it, and take it from there.

You just need to find someone who can wrestle right back!

 

[sixthson]

Second, i know you shouldn't put your hands on anyone, but is even a little smack really worth breaking up with someone?

The fact that you have to ask this question is proof that you need professional help. Immediately. The kind of help you can't find at JUB.

 

[Hot White Trash]

The fact that you have to ask this question is proof that you need professional help. Immediately. The kind of help you can't find at JUB.

I think everybody hits. We tap people on the shoulder, we slap people on the back when they tell a joke. That's the type of slapping I am talking about with my friends.

And I have seen a therapist (under my old health ins I got three visits). Didn't do much for me and i didn't want to talk about my relationship with other guys.

But talking/writing about it actually helps.

 

[kallipolis]

Even with the data that the OP has made available it is very difficult to draw any conclusion, as to whether the OP crossed the line, on what would be determined as unacceptable behaviour without also knowing the character of the other party and that party's particular feelings towards the OP.

As Sixthson has stated such matters are more productively discussed face to face with a wise friend, who is not reluctant to be forthright in his advice.

 

[ronboy]

HWT, some of the hottest men I ever loved were what I call "gentle giants." They were big, muscular, and "butch" but they had a tender. loving, romantic side to them when were doing the deed.

There's no need to show you are masculine or dominant by being aggressive.

 

[fetaby]

Is the OP a psychotic man beater? Who the hell knows.

All I can say is that I find absolutely no enjoyment in being hit. Be it a slap, smack, punch whatever.

 

[Deandbn]

To be honest you do not have the right to lay a hand (or anything else for that matter) on anyone for any reason at all without their express permission.

It is called assault and is a criminal offence.

 

[thewiz]

I remember something a high school teacher (who remains a very good friend) told me once: your rights stop one inch from my nose and vice versa.

I was a police officer for 10 years and have gone through a divorce when I came out. Certainly I had to wrestle and fight with people as a cop but at no time in my life have I ever struck, slapped or injured someone I am with -- be it friend or foe. Having helped to develope a domestic violence program that is now used not only in Michigan but in many other parts of the country showed me that people who slap are more than likely to continue escalating violence in a relationship. NO ONE has a right to strike another -- period. If you cannot manage your anger, then you need to seek help.

That may be blunt, but it is one thing in which I draw a very firm line.

 

[Hot White Trash]

I'm confused. When you smacked this guy that you met @ a party, was it playful or not?

No, it wasn't. I was angry/frustrated with him.

What I said about slapping friends is when I am just playing around. One example. A friend and I went out to eat and only after we ate did he realize he had a coupon (we had to order a specific thing). So I hit him, just playfully. Well he didn't like it so I apologized.

 

[Críostóir]

I'm confused. When you smacked this guy that you met @ a party, was it playful or not?

No, it wasn't. I was angry/frustrated with him.

See, that's the key. You hit him in anger. You mustn't ever, ever, EVER do that. And if you can't be sure you won't, you need to get help.

 

[Beachguyj]

I guess we all have our issues. One of mine is a bit of a temper. And it only makes things worse that I am kinda muscular (ok, a lot). I want to get better and I am working on it, but I am scaring guys I like off.

I met a really nice guy at a party and then ran into later. He got my number from a friend and we went out a couple times. But out of nowhere he said I made him nervous. He still went out with me until we had a little fight and I smacked him. Well that was it for him. But we are still friends.

Another guy is Octavio. We keep playing this cat and mouse game and it freaked me out when he also said I made him nervous. WTF? He's not much smaller than me ( I am only 6', 180).

And the last guy was in the military so I assumed he was tough. We were seeing each other for a couple months. We got into a little bit of a wrestling match and maybe I got a little aggressive. Next thing I know he is sitting there looking like he's gonna cry.

First, do any of you experience this - from either side? Are some guys both attracted to and scared of your size?

Second, i know you shouldn't put your hands on anyone, but is even a little smack really worth breaking up with someone?

You need anger management. A guy who hits is a deal breaker for me. I don't want to get into an abusive relationship ever. Even a guy who threatens is a problem. You will have to find a guy who wants to be an abused wife to be happy or you will have to change.

 

[BINOWGAYLATER]

okay - I read EVERYTHING --

Lets sum up :

1. PERCEPTION IS REALITY -- If the "other" person is threateaned -- that's how he feels - regardless of what you think -- DONE

2. You need proessional help- the kind you can't get here a JUB. WHOA BABY - FYI - there are "professionals" around here -- you just don't know who all of them are - - and some might be willing to talk to you offline - IDK..

3. CRISTOIR - makes sooo many VALID POINTS - as do the others --

4. You can't go to a theapist and then say -- I did want to talk about my relatinships -- why go then?

5. - One of the very smart things said here today -- (RONBODY) - YOU can be a MAN without expressing it in the manner to which you are accustomed.

6. Should we take bets on Big Truck - Small Cock? or not .........................

7. Normal people get respect from their actions -- you don't get any by DEMANDING it -- If you do - I'll smack you into next Tuesday - how's that feel?

8. Maybe if you wanna smack somebody around - you need to find someone wih a dungeon, a big trunk of "toys" and a lot of rope and some duct tape --- you prolly won't get any complaints there -- but payback's a bitch - you might end up on the receiving end of the whips and hot wax --- when it's time to flip !!

 

[rareboy]

If you hit anyone in anger, you should probably invest your own money into more visits with a therapist.

Because you have a real problem.

 

[Hot White Trash]

Whoever moved this thread has issues. Maybe they get beaten.