What to do about jerking off!

[JSRD]

So when my boyfriend and I first started dating we both jerked off. We made no secret of it, snap chatting each other fun things and telling each other about it. As we got more serious he started to jerk off less. He eventually stopped and told me as we are in a relationship you save those things for sex with your partner and he didn't feel the need to masturbate. He never asked me to stop but started to get more irritated when I did it. Eventually we got into a big blow up about it. He again never asked me to stop but expressed his not liking of me jerking off and how it brings up insecurities. in his last relationship his boyfriend at the time would tell my boyfriend he wouldn't want to have sex and then he would catch him jerking off. So our blow resulting in him saying he wants me to stop jerking off but would never ask me. I said I would try but never said I would stop. So a year goes by and we started to work very opposite schedules. Our sex life is still great a few times a week, almost every day. But the days we don't have sex start appearing here and there more often. So one day I jerk off. I know he wouldn't like it, and I know I shouldn't have but I did. So I start a few times here and there jerking off. It doesn't effect our sex life at all as we are still almost every day. So this goes on till I went on his computer to burn a cd. I opened safari and the first thing to show up in his last search was a porn site. Which alarmed me. I wasn't mad at all just alarmed. And a little turned on. So I did some digging and looked his history. He had visited this site a few times over the past month. And I looked and it was all times I was at work. Again I was surprised. But not mad, not mad at all. Just a little curious. What happened. I really don't care he jerked off at all. I just am super curious, what happened. Why did he her off. I though he didn't do it. I thought he was only about our sex. I want to ask him about it but, how do I? I've been bad too. I feel like it's just asking for an argument. I honestly want to let it go, but I'm neverous it'll effect my relationship somehow. What to do?

 

[sixthson]

Didn't you know there were horny homosexuals in third world countries who would love to be able to jerk off even once a week but they can't afford the internet porn and lube? You, my friend, have a first world problem in your hand.

 

[JSRD]

I'm sorry, but that's not helpful.

 

[kallipolis]

What to do?

I would recommend reading Tolstoy's, War and Peace...for it is an educational read illustrating the romance, and struggles of human life ....with the further thought that the book avoids painful forays into obsessional, compulsive thoughts on masturbation, and pornography, always guaranteed to bore to death the most patient of people.

 

[Seasoned]

Masturbation is normal in or out of a relationship.

 

[KaraBulut]

You can either deal with the symptom (jerking off) or the cause (insecurities about infidelity, insecurities about being less desirable than the porn competition, et al).

In the past, it sounds like it's been more about the symptom.

The thing is, if you really want to get to the core of the issue- the actual cause of all this angst over a perfectly normal, healthy activity- you're both going to have to deal with your own insecurities instead of worrying about whether each other is getting off your own dicks with your own hands.

 

[eastofeden]

He doth protest too much!

I am going to tell you something I would tell my gay male customers who had a jealous boyfriend...or an insecure partner who had a lot of "rules about how other people should behave in a relationship".... A lot of them used the insecure excuse too....and a lot of them are trying to make their own romantic fantasy a reality....

If he is worried about you masturbating..he is probably judgmental of his own masturbation..or desire to masturbate..or maybe he is judging himself on some kind of "purity index" and has decided what everything "means"...and so instead of dealing with it..he is projecting his own crap on to you instead...

A lot of this can come from a background in the church...or from his family. Some people have a Disney Princess Mentality that they impose on themselves..and others...by deciding how they "SHOULD" feel and how everything "SHOULD" be when they are in love....instead of how they DO feel..and what things actually are....what *is*...

...and masturbation is normal...period...and so is being attracted to or fantasizing about other men.

In other words..when he is upset with your behavior..he is actually upset with his own..

This is especially true with people who are overly jealous and worried 24/7 that their partner is cheating. You can be sure that the person who is always worried about it is either cheating themselves..or thinking about it 24/7...so blaming the other person for that is a classic case of projecting their feelings onto the other person..and it sounds as though he is doing this to you.

Think of the severe homophobes....worried about their own sexuality...same dynamic....

How to fix it?

Fantasize together about something or someone else. Make sure it is someone else though...so he can feel comfortable with his fantasies...you may have to go slow depending on how tightly he is wound....and do try to find out what his purity index is as well.

A lot of people have a deeply ingrained purity index...and it can become a real problem.

 

[dereperez]

There is nothing wrong with what you're doing: the jerking off part. The other part where you are looking through his online search and viewing history is more questionable, but it's normal to be curious so it is what it is. Masturbation is a completely normal and healthy ritual so he'll need to get off his high horse (and it would seem like he's a hyprocite too). I jerk off when I like and where I like, and if my partner had a problem with that, he or she would be out the door.

 

[JSRD]

I agree the history searching is wrong. I'm promising myself I won't do it anymore, I guess I was just so curious. And still am. Why did he start? I thought he said it wasn't for relationships? Do I talk about this with him? Do I let it go? I really think it's ok that he's jerking off. Let many others said its a different experience than sex and completely normal. But my curiosity is still there

 

[sixthson]

Is he controlling in any other parts of your relationship? Does he see it as some kind of cheating? Of course you should talk to him about it and tell him what you told us. Most guys enjoy the feeling of their dicks in their own hand. It's just not a big deal. I'm sure you probably incorporate some form of masturbation in your sex play with him, right? He needs to get over the insecurity.

 

[JSRD]

When we first talked about it he made it sound like he thought it was a form of cheating.

 

[NotHardUp1]

I would just bring it up as naturally as you did here. "I was burning a CD and . . . "

 

[jaysizzles]

Jerking off is not cheating...well, perhaps if you are online skyping, or whatever, with another live guy, then I think that is. I don't think jerking off to videos, pictures, or alone in your room is cheating though, and if he thinks it is and you're not willing to stop, and as well you disagree with him on it, then it's his problem. It shouldn't be a deal breaker in your relationship as long as it's not interfering with your sex life with him. I'd keep it private though...do it when he's not around. It'd be weird and almost insulting to be jerking off while he's in the other room. I also don't think you should deny it if the topic comes up though either, but you also don't need to volunteer that info. You're entitled to some privacy even when in a relationship.

As for his viewing porn...so what. Let it go, as I think you already know you should...you mentioned you shouldn't have searched his history and won't do it again. Bringing that up will only lead to mistrust. He's entitled to his privacy as well as you are to yours, and you don't even know if he was jerking off to the porn he watched, or just viewing it.

 

[KaraBulut]

When we first talked about it he made it sound like he thought it was a form of cheating.

There's always a control issue and insecurity underlying situations where one person feels that is owns the sexuality of their partner. In the more reasonable form, it appears to be anxiety over monogamy and fidelity. In the extreme form, it's the belief that watching porn or masturbating privately is "cheating".

Too often, couples get caught up in the "he's cheating" aspect and don't deal with the control issues and trust issues that are really the problem.

A partner in a relationship has no ownership over their partner's sex life or sexuality. If, as a couple, you decide where the line is for the two of you- what constitutes "cheating"- then that is an agreement that you've made to each other. It's not supposed to be an assumption nor is it supposed to be dictated by one person in the relationship.

If you and your partner decide that you won't jack off without the other person present, that's your decision. However, if you haven't made that agreement, what you do with your dick and your hand is your own business; you own him no explanations about it either.

 

[Rolyo85]

Jerking off is not cheating. It's a biological act that releases sexual tension. It's not affecting your sex life (nor could it, unless there were other underlying issues). So he needs to back off, and to be told that jerking off isn't sex, and if it were, it's sex with yourself and can't be cheating.

Honestly, this is aggressively immature.

Also, the answer to the question "should I talk about it with him" is "YES" literally 99.9% of the time.