What to do when you have "a catch"?

[007traveler]

I really could use your guys' help. I've been seeing this guy for about a year now. We were really good for the first 4 months and then I moved for a while. At this time, we decided we could see other people. We really didn't talk all that much, mostly because of me, but we'd maybe talk once every 2 or 3 weeks. I moved back and we slowly started to talk again. Things had clearly changed since we first started dating. It took about 2 months for things to start getting comfortable for me to start dating him again. But this time I just didn't have the same feeling as I did before and as today it still hasn't gotten back to that feeling I had for him before I moved, but its close.

We have decided to not classify ourselves as anything, but the closest I can explain it is that we're in an open relationship. We have talked about the future, and we never get anywhere with it. To me, I think he is ready to settle down and call us a couple and it would make him extremely happy. I have numerously told him I'm not ready to settle down, and I told him from the start that I've never seen myself in a serious relationship, and that I don't want to be in a relationship. By this, I guess I mean I like my space, I don't like having someone telling me what to do. I have been up front about everything and completely honest.

He is 7 years older than me and is wanting to settle down even though he won't say it, but he tells me he doesn't want me to see other people. He is a good catch. He's smart, good looking, has a good job, and we have a lot of things in common. I on the other hand, am still in college, about to graduate, and know I am going to move once I'm done with school. He says he wants us to move together, but I don't know if I'm ready to take that step or how I feel about that.



I have been completely honest with him as to what I did when we were on a break.

I feel like we are just on 2 different levels. I do love him, but I don't know if I am in love with him. I want the best for him and I don't think I can be that for him. I am not sure how I feel, and I don't think i'm being fair to him. When we were on a break, I finally let myself be the true me, and didn't hide from being gay. I also went to a couple gay bars for a life time total of 7 times. I was suprised at all the attention I was getting by very good looking and successful men.

He's basically ready to tell me he loves me, and I am not ready to hear it. He has told me he is willing to wait for me, even for years if it has to be, but again I feel he'll be missing out too. I know it sounds like I want to have my cake and eat it too, but I feel like I won't be complete or satisfied without having experienced the dating scene. He tells me he's done it and there's nothing out there, and that we are good for each other. Which might be true, but I just don't know if I see myself with him in 5 years. I have already missed numerous normal life experiences and feel like I can control the dating experience and that I shouldn't let it pass by.

I am happy, but feel I could be more of myself if he wasn't in the picture. Again he is an amazing guy and would do anything for me. I know I want him as a friend no matter how we turn out, but he says if we do end what we have he'll have to cut me off completely and not speak to me for a few years in order to try and get over me. I don't know if I could handle not having him as my best friend, but do I risk this on what could or couldn't make me happy? Or do I stay with him, and not get to feel satisfied with a part of my life and ask myself what if there's someone else?

Sorry to ramble on, but this is tough. What do you guys think? Thanks and hope I didn't bore ya.

 

[drhladnjak]

I think you're focusing too much on worries about not having dated other people. For the right guy, it wouldn't be an obstacle for you. Unfortunately, it seems clear to me that this guy is in love with you but you don't feel the same way for him. For the sake of both you and him, you have to stop leading him on and break up. To do otherwise, would be to string him along towards something which will in all likelihood never happen. You both need to be able to move on so that you each can find a significant other that works.

Knowing a guy for 4 months, being apart (and emotionally distant--talking once every 2-3 weeks is just not at all a good sign that you're really into him) and then getting back together without feeling a strong connection is not a relationship you should settle for, especially when you're young and have your whole life ahead of you. This guy would seem to be in a totally different stage in his life where he's looking to settle down badly. Perhaps too badly in fact. His clinginess and willingness to wait forever comes off to me as desperation. His threats of having to cut you off come across possibly as an attempt to manipulate you ("don't leave me or I'll do this horrible thing to myself").

Also, the longer you wait the worse this will all probably get.

 

[SilverRRCloud]

I would very much second DrHladnjak here

You really want to move on and that is what you are most likely to do.

Sure, this guy is a 'good catch', albeit coming at a huge price to you. The price you are obviously more than reluctant to pay.

He has sown his wild oats and now says, there is nothing in it. Which is all good and cool. However, this is one of those cases, where destination is not nearly as important as the act of travel...

My advice: take the high road...

SC

 

[KaraBulut]

Here's the bottom line:

He's ready to settle down. You are not.

Keep him as a friend. Stay in touch. Who knows what may happen when you are ready to settle down.

 

[007traveler]

Thanks for the responses. Ya, I know I should just end it, but I just wish it was easier done than said. I do have some feelings. I know I'm not ready to end it yet. Soon - probably, but now, no.

He knows I'm not willing to let my guard down, but he wants to help me bring it down. I know I could trust him and everything, but why can't he like someone else? It'd make this so much easier for me.
Also in the past I have a bad case of when a person gets too attached to me, I end it with them, because I'm not ready to go to that step.

I have tried to break it off before, but he says he won't give up on me. We've gone through a lot, and he wants to fight for me.

I 'm just talking in circles...

Why is it so hard?

 

[drhladnjak]

There are things in life that are hard that you have to do. Stop playing games with this guy's feelings and dump him already.

 

[KaraBulut]

Why is it so hard?

Because you want to have it both ways- a relationship where you don't have to make a commitment.

You're an adult. Adults make commitments. Either do it or end it.

 

[007traveler]

Thanks for all the replies. Haven't been able to get on here for a while now, but I DID end it, and am glad I did. It's been over for about 2 weeks now, and it's really what I needed. He's having a hard time coping, and starting to get a bit psycho on me. We're trying to be friends but who knows if that'll work out.