What's Next?

[glasvegas]

So here I am, half convinced that I'll never find someone I truely love for the rest of my life. I know, you probably will say 'gosh, you're 20, chill the fuck out'. I would say the same as well, but knowing myself, I think there's chances I am. I don't know if I am capable of loving someone anymore. Almost everyone has a pretty love story to go with, but I don't. The guy who sweep off your feet and let you go crazy. I don't have that. I think if I have a choice, I will not lost my virginity few months ago. Everything just goes terrible wrong. I became the person I never wanted to be. All those stupid hook-ups, that relationship should have not committed, all those self esteem been broken into pieces after each and everytime. I feel lost and I wonder, is this my life going to be? Endless more hook ups? I am an emotional person, I have strong feelings for person. I have a hole inside my heart, craving to be loved and cherish and it just sucks that I can't do anything with it. No one sees the inner beauty of me, 'there's something in you', they just come..and go. Maybe I shouldn't be gay in the first place. I should have suppress my feelings and not act on it. I will be more happier, more lovely. I don't know if I can do this anymore. I really want to be happy again, I feel like this whole gay thing is dragging me down. I don't want to be the one who known as slutty Vince, the easy target. I really hate myself for not saying no, for not refusing all those thoughts. I hate what I have become.