When and how to share something from the past?

[jft245]

I don't understand how anyone could hold you accountable. Unless you were physically or mentaly abusive to him then I don't understand how anyone could blame you for his death. As a person who has had several family members commit suicide, I know what it is like for the people they leave behind. The pain and suffering goes on for many years and I am sure that you still grieve. Don't let anyone else make you feel guilty. You have carried this burden for years, and anyone that dosen't understand what you have gone through is not the type of person to be involved with.

 

[trawler69]

I suspect that there are many people who are not understanding of depression and suicidal thoughts and think that someone other than the victim must be involved. There is perhaps the thought that if you were in a happy relationship he would not have committed suicide and you are therefore guilty for his death by default. These people do not stop to think just how his suicide might have affected you and the thoughts of "What if" or "if only" that go through your mind.

I would say that a person who flies off the handle about it without giving you a chance to talk rationally about it, is probably not worth wasting time on.

 

[Horschallen]

Was the issue with your keeping his shirt or with how people see you in your part of the relationship that ended with a suicide?

First of all, I grew up with a number of "catastrophic" losses, and I find myself tend to cling onto some "artifacts" of the person or experience for a long time... i.e., a brush from one of my cats long time ago, etc. I have had a friend who stayed with me one summer mocking me and practically cleaned out my home of those artifacts while I was away at work. I found it upsetting and that it was none of his business. He learned then that he was not the one to make those decisions about discarding things, and that they represented parts of my life that I refer to fondly. Well, fast forward to about 10 years later, he is in jail for 8 years, and I am in the position to figure out what to do with his stuff (he lived in his own place and I had to go in there to clear out the place and then there is his car). He begged me not to get rid of everything, but eventually many of his things had to go, but I keep his school yearbooks, picture of his mother, his college degrees and a few other things.

Now about depression.... it is a very misunderstood disorder and not many are kind to people affected by depression, the persons themselves or people around them. YOu did your best with what circumstances got you in. If other people say anything about it, just say it was many years ago and that you would like not to discuss it. If you feel the need to discuss it, professional help may be the best way to go, because they are trained in the field and understand depression.

THis man who got upset about the sweatshirt you kept was obviously irrational in his response. Maybe in the future, you could keep a footlocker trunk and keep those artifacts there, and anytime anyone mentions it, say it is just a box of memory from your past.

I am sorry you had to go through it, and hope that the future has better things in store for you without compromising your memories.

 

[Eagle653]

Goula, I'm afraid I can't offer many insights because I'm as stumped by this behavior as you are. Suicide is considered a tragedy all the way around, and the usual/normal reaction is to offer sympathy to the survivors. I can't imagine holding a new friend (romantic or otherwise) in lower esteem because I found out that a previous significant other had killed themselves. I would just treat that news as a death of any other nature.

The only thing I can guess (and it's perhaps a wild guess) is that some people are absolutely horrified by suicides--they literally cannot get their head around them. They also know (or, more correctly, "think") that if someone close to them committed suicide, they would go out of their minds. Thus, they cannot immediately imagine how you can be a sane, intact, functioning adult and not someone traumatized and "damaged" by experiencing something so horrible.

Again, this is a wild guess. It'd be interesting to see if others have experienced this reaction and the reasoning behind it. It just doesn't make sense to me.

 

[3nipples]

I'm inclined to believe that there is some aspect of the story, some circumstance that they are reacting to that didn't come across in your post... what exactly was the deception that he perceived?

I can't accept "shouting and screaming" as a rational reaction whatever the circumstance, so my other inclination is to think "good riddance". Better you found out before moving him any closer into your space.

Not much help, I'm afraid...

 

[rareboy]

Hmmmmm

Well, Goula, I would suggest that you might have been perceived as less than honest when you haven't shared this past experience with someone who thought they were close to you. Or it could just be that you have met a lot of incredibly emotionally immature people who don't have this in their life experience and therefore have no way to deal with it.

Good heavens, I have had two cousins kill themselves and I couldn't begin to imagine not holding onto the memory of them and even mementos. The way that others deal with suicide is sometimes nothing short of bizarre. It still has the stigma of failure of character and mortal sin attached to it. In your case, it appears that the other person (or people) may be attaching some blame to you. It also seems that they are afraid (perhaps they think you'll drive them to it as well?) This is their baggage though and you shouldn't have to carry it. I've gotta say; you were better off without the guy who freaked on you though. He sounds like an hysterical headcase who was looking for any excuse to bail.

The right reaction, when you explain that you had a past relationship with someone who commited suicide will be be great empathy for both the guy who died and those who he left behind. When you get this reaction...you'll know you have a keeper.

 

[Eagle653]

Well, Goula, I would suggest that you might have been perceived as less than honest when you haven't shared this past experience with someone who thought they were close to you. Or it could just be that you have met a lot of incredibly emotionally immature people who don't have this in their life experience and therefore have no way to deal with it.

This is what I keep coming back to also. But, I wonder how big an ego one has to have to think they're entitled to the sordid details of a current partner's previous partner's death? And, then to react in such hysterics.

He sounds like an hysterical headcase who was looking for any excuse to bail.

Yeah, I can't help but wonder this too. Goula, is this a possibility, you think?

 

[luminum]

I don't really see how you deceived anyone by not telling them about the fact that a person wholey unrelated to them ended his life...