When is it okay to stare back?

[RukkuS]

How do you know when it's okay to stare back? First things first, I am still in the closet. Of course, this isnt really relavent when I am only exchanging looks with a guy and not talking with them. In most cases, a driver will put up in a car next to me, or somebody will stand next to me in line, and I do that normal look, just to check out who/what is there. I'm sure everybody has done this look, only to find a completely stunning guy staring directly back at you. You're in shock for a split second and then begin to ponder whether you should look back or not. How do you know when it's cool to look back again? A couple times i've done the initial look, and then we both will turn away quickly and out of the corner of my eye, i can see their head move my way again....so there obviously look at me again. Is this normal or is this a sure sign that they're into me? It's a little nerve wracking not knowing if you will offend them or flatter them by staring again. In one instance, I built up the courage to look back long and deep, and when the street light turned green, the driver flicked me off and drove away fast. Needless to say, it was a little embarassing considering i'm still in the closet and thats just embarassing in general.

I also only get conscious about looking when its a good-looking guy. And I mean even "looking" in their direction, not even staring at them. I guess thats a whole 'nother topic involving the insecurities that come with seat in the closet, but it's funny how if the person is unattractive to me, then I can stare at them, look in their direction, look them in the eye, etc. without worrying about anything, but put a hot guy in front of me and I'm totally out of luck. Does anybody else have this issue?

 

[RAvenew]

Yes I used to have this professor who I could not look in the eye. It was quite strange because I thought it was incredibly stupid, but no matter what whenever in class could not do it. But if someone is looking at me in line, I embrace it. Smile back or just lift an eyebrow.

If it is a straight guy, you were just saying hello, but if he's gay and interested boy the floodgates open..

 

[attallaborn]

Interesting post- I’m a somewhat “hot” guy who is unfortunately closeted and often participate in the dizzying head games of the gay stare or glare. What I have discovered is that there is no sure way to know when to look back. What I do is watch out the corner of my eye for the casual stare; then I try to make instant eye contact. If that contact is met and sustained for 20 secs or more without him turning away, then the guy is at least bi or wondering are you gay. Next, watch the body language or reaction the guy gives off once he has looked away. If he seems flattered, happy, turns red, or seems relaxed; then he is at least bi or flattered a guy is checking him out. If he looks confused, angry, embarrassed or pissed off, then the attention is unwanted and he is not gay or interested. I seem more confident in the stare because I have a good so called “gaydar” and no matter how masculine or straight the guys acts or proclaims to be; I get a sixth sense and can just tell. By the end of lets say maybe two weeks (if I see the guy regularly), we usually play that head game of staring very apparently and lovingly. My problem is that I don’t know how to set up a date or ask the guy out, so nothing intimate comes out of it. Its like “ok, we’re both obviously bi or gay but neither one of us will make the ‘bold’ move of asking for a number”. Just pick and choose you battles.

 

[Atomw7]

If that contact is met and sustained for 20 secs or more without him turning away, then the guy is at least bi or wondering are you gay.

I don't even watch TV for 20 seconds without turning away. 20 seconds to stare is a LONG time.

 

[starford]

alot of males stare at me. more so than women.dunno if they are straight or gay but i assume its just male thing that dates back to the apeman era(are they checking out the competition for mating purposes?,comparing?).from a gay perspective its just eye candy. but from a straight guy looking at me... i dunno!

 

[G-Lexington]

Always.

Lex

 

[rareboy]

^ I agree. And do it with a smile.

 

[najfus]

As stated above, I always stare back and give a nod or a smile.

 

[thewiz]

Since I'm still getting used to it all, I'll exchange some quick glances just to see if they are being returned. If they are, I smile. I am still a little slow and in Ft. Lauderdale, on the beach, this guy finally had to give me a little wave for me to realize the signal! He said he thought he was going to burn a hole through me before I'd get to him!

I supposed if I could just lick my eyebrows, it would get more reaction to let me know....

 

[RukkuS]

I don't even watch TV for 20 seconds without turning away. 20 seconds to stare is a LONG time.

yuh! I don't even think i can go 20 secs without blinking! That is some intense eye sex.

 

[attallaborn]

yuh! I don't even think i can go 20 secs without blinking! That is some intense eye sex.

Ok, maybe 20 seconds is a bit long but it feels like 20 seconds sometimes, lol. I try to make the glances ‘extended” as so he will get the hint: I want him to be like “yeah, no mistake about it. He is definitely starring at me; do I make a move”? Fair warning, 2 to 3 minuet glances will leave doubt and that will drive you crazy.

 

[Kulindahr]

I envy your problem.


When I was at the age and build when I got stares aplenty, I was oblivious. I could never tell if I was being hit on, or if anyone was interested.
Heck, I still can't.

 

[dav242]

hey rukkus - this is a great question and something i used to ponder over and over, especially after getting certain glances from guys i thought were attractive.

i'm still not even sure what the "right" response is, but i wanted to point out one thing in what you wrote:

it's funny how if the person is unattractive to me, then I can stare at them, look in their direction, look them in the eye, etc. without worrying about anything, but put a hot guy in front of me and I'm totally out of luck. Does anybody else have this issue?

i have this exact same issue. hot guys intimidate me.

BUT: by that same line of reasoning that you used, this depressing conclusion can also be drawn:

- if a guy is actually looking at you for a long time, it's probably not because he's attracted to you at all.
- that's why he has no qualms looking at you.
- if he were attracted to you, he would - like you and me - not even have the guts to look.
**because he's staring at you without any qualms, he's not attracted to you!!!!

alarming, huh? and a bit of a catch 22.

i've convinced myself that this is the case.
hopefully, i'm completely wrong on this, but it's so hard to say.

and the other weird situation is when you're in a public place, and you sense a guy is looking at you. so you turn around, and you actually catch him looking - but when you make eye contact with him, he'll immediately turn away.

so you can't tell if he was EITHER (a) interested but got all nervous and had to turn away OR (b) not interested at all and turned away to make it clear he wasn't interested.

and - of course - i'm not talking about gay club etiquette, since i know that's a completely different fish bowl since all the guys there are gay, and if they're looking, they're looking for a reason.

the day-to-day situations at bookstores, coffee shops, etc are - ironically - more tricky than these interactions at a gay club.

and so i really do wonder how many guys here have - in a coffee shop or borders or whatever - checked out a guy, then SMILED, then had that smile turn into something substantial or productive (like a hookup, a date, or otherwise).

my guess is that the conversion rate of a smile to a date at like a bookstore or something isn't very high.

in other words, does flashing a smile in these public places really amount to anything more than just transient flattery??

my guess is no, but i'd definitely like to hear otherwise. it'd give me hope and some reason to be more aggressive in situations like that.

but it really is a very tricky dance, and to this day, i haven't figured out if there's a way to move about it smoothly.

 

[RukkuS]

wow, very enlightening. I never thought of it like that. That does seem very accurate though. Sort of depressing, but it makes perfect sense. How about we just conclude that if they are staring at me, then they are not attracted to be due to the fact that they are straight? HA! Kidding. But i always thought of myself and a very goodlooking man. Never had a problem with all the girls jumping my shorts and I keep in great shape. Oh well. *sigh*

Another thing that I've wondered about is this: Since we are intimidated by good looking men and we tend to not want to look them in the eyes or in my case, even look in their direction, do you think those around us notice this? Like if its a good looking person and we do that initial look to see who the person is and then look away quickly and NEVER look back. Iunno, I am a people watcher so I always watch my friends when they think i'm not looking and usually i end up seeing funny stuff. People do silly things when they think nobody is watching, but aside from that, I check out hot guys when i think nobody is looking. HA. Iunno...just a thought.

I think you're right, i doubt the number of times that a hook-up has been the result of exchanged glances is significant, but thats not what i'm looking for at all. I'm just wanting to be able to acknowledge a goodlooking person or a nice smile and then continue on with my day, but its very risky grounds when you don't know if they are going to take it in a good or bad way.

 

[dav242]

hey rukkus -
nah, don't think twice about my cynical perspective on the matter. i think you're getting looks for a reason, and - in my book - any guy willing to second guess his own attractiveness is probably really good-looking.

and yeah, maybe they're staring because they're straight guys who actually find you attractive, thus the confusion in their eyes when you catch them looking.

but yeah - don't even second guess your getting glances. most likely, it's because people are physically attracted to what they see, so the issue really is what to do about it.

and those moments when people catch you checking out other guys - i used to think of it as getting "busted"

nowadays, i'm pretty open about my sexuality and so the only reason i'm embarrassed when i'm checking out other guys in public situations is if drool is coming down my mouth and i'm unconsciously ogling them to a disgusting degree. hey - it's happened.

i once went out with a few classmates who didn't know i was gay yet, and we were at this bar and this random dude lifts his shirt up in front of a group of girls, licks his fingers and then starts rubbing his left nipple with them.

all the other people i was with apparently turned to each other with these incredulous looks on their faces - but i didn't even notice because i was still fixated on looking at this half naked stud.

they later told me that they knew something was up because of that.

i actually love those moments. it makes having to come out to a new group of people that much easier.

i don't have to tell them i'm gay because i've already SHOWN them i like men.

but listen - if you find yourself getting caught checking out other guys, i'd consider it a step in the right direction of finally coming out of the closet.

after all, the less you are able to repress these feelings, the more you'll want to be more open with your sexuality.

but - every person has a different threshold for that - and it'll happen when it happens.

anyway, if you're confident enough, i say - go up to the next guy you find checking you out and ask him for the time or something basic.

if he starts bumbling and acting all nervous, chances are - he was probably undressing you with his eyes.

otherwise, if he's like, "yeah it's 9:30, man" then he's probably str8 and just happened to be looking in your direction.