when will it end?!

[Soundbite180]

Okay so here is my situation. I am dealing with internalized homophobia, and it is driving me insane. My gay friends tend to refer to me as cold and cynical, when that is not me at all. I just feel uncomfortable around them. I won't even hug them. Its starting to irritate me.

I know this isn't one big, oh I love myself kind of step, but how can I go about getting through this annoying phase of self-hatred? Every time I try to open up I think to myself "You are being really gay" and stop myself. I hate being seen as weak. Its a vicious cycle. Can anyone give me advice on breaking it?

 

[Shadowplay]

You won't be seen as weak. Being weak is denying yourself the respect and love from within. You deserve to celebrate who you are, regardless of what outsiders may think. Or what your mind has taught you to believe. None of those things will matter to those who care about you. When you're positive about yourself it lets others in. You are percieved as cold and cynical maybe because your actions are shutting them out. It's not that you mean to intentionally, but I think this is your defense mechanism.

Allow yourself to be open with who you are. Let go of your inner negativity. Embrace who you are. Those qualities that make you an individual are unique and beautiful. There is nothing wrong with being gay. There's nothing wrong with how you express yourself in a positive way that doesn't harm anyone. When you allow those barriers to fall, you will free yourself and feel liberated. Don't let what's in your head put you down and inhibit you.

Maybe if you speak with one of your friends, express to them how you feel. Allow them to understand. If you open up to them about it, that may allow you to feel more positive in yourself. There is no reason to hold on to any negativity. It's ok to be really gay, it's fine. It's nothing to fear or be ashamed of.

 

[Shadowplay]

 

[Soundbite180]

If only it were that easy. I know what I need to do. What I do not know is how I can get to that point of being comfortable. Do I just tell myself to shut up every five mins?

 

[Shadowplay]

If only it were that easy. I know what I need to do. What I do not know is how I can get to that point of being comfortable. Do I just tell myself to shut up every five mins?

Don't be negative with yourself. Don't overanalyze your actions. Being in your head too much can be a dangerous thing. What you might think of as being careful or cautious can be more harmful to you mentally.

You may try going to LGBT meetings, if there are any available to you. It would be a great way to share and understand from others. Many experience what you are going through. It isn't easy. You have to be confident in yourself. You have to retrain your mind from where it is now.

It's a diffficult process, but don't allow your mind to hold you back. Allow yourself to relax and have no regrets or hesitations in who you are.

 

[Rolyo85]

Do you like yourself? Do you believe in your powers of reasoning, your intellect and/or your charm and other traits? If you do, then how could being gay make any of that wrong?

I am not good at this type of advice, because I just flipped a switch. I was in denial, and then I wasn't anymore. I was gay. And since it was ME who was suddenly gay, being gay was perfectly ok, see, cause anything that I am could not possibly be wrong.

Don't want to be feminine? Don't worry, you can never be. It is a mindset you are on the opposite of, so nothing you do that is "being gay" will even remotely emasculate you. And the big secret is that it's not emasculating being "very gay" either.

But in the end, once you are AWARE of the fact that you're self-hating, you don't really have much excuse to stay that way. If you like enough things about you, then being gay is just another power for you to wield. If you don't, then being gay is not the problem at all.

 

[Sam-I-Am]

I was raped as an early teen. The details are unimportant. As a result, I hated myself and gays in general. I was a practicing homophobe with a deep, dark secret. About 15 years ago, I got to know some gay guys. I found out they were human too. Then I opened up and got the weight of my ordeal off my back. I finally told my wife (I'm straight, curious, tolerant and faithful). It was liberating. I no longer hated others for what happened to me, and, more importantly, I no longer hated myself. For my developmental years and a large part of my adult life I allowed that one event in my life to rule me. No longer. I cannot help but think you should do the same. Open up and banish the demons.

 

[Ganoderma]

hi Soundbite180,

First of all, welcome to JUB and feel free to ask as much questions as you like. I hope you will soon find some nice friends on JUB. So you have quite alot (?) of gay friends, and it seems to me that you are not anymore very much (?) in the closet. Am I right?

How old are you? Do you also have one or more close straight friends, and are these straight friends aware that you are gay? And female friends? Do you have any idea how these straight friends are thinking (1) about you, and (2) about gay people in general? Do you feel yourself comfortable around straight guys? And how when you are surrounded by girls / female friends? Are you having a job? Or are you a student?

Yes, you are gay, and there is nothing wrong or insane with being gay. You happen to like guys, whereas straight guys happen to like girls. That's all.

So you don't need to change your behaviour because you are gay, and you also don't need to behave like your gay friends. You are a guy, and I tend to give you the same advice as Rolyo85: try to begin to like yourself, and maybe make a list of all your positive qualities.

What's the relation with your family? Apparently, you don't have a boyfriend? Ever had one? Can you remember a time when you did not suffer from this 'internalized homophobia, [which] is driving me insane'?

Please excuse me for asking you so many different questions, but I don't have a real and a good picture of you. I tend to think that people can give you better advise if you tell us abit more about your background.

But no problem at all, when you don't like it, or when you feel uncomfortable to provide us with all kind of details about your personal life.

Best wishes, and feel free to react.

 

[Just_Believe18]

You have to remember that even straight men and women hug their friends. Friendship is meant to be intimate and close. Affection is something you should strive for with all friends, family, and loved ones.

 

[Seasoned]

Welcome to JUB.

The best way to confront internalized, stubborn homophobia, in my open is to try to get away from an all or nothing mentality. You probably won't be able to do away with all negative messaging all at once. Change one behavior/attitude at a time and don't move on until you are comfortable with that change. You didn't cause your internalized homophobia, heterosexism did that to you. There's a way out if it and taking small steps can work. Good luck.

 

[Kyanimal]

It may not 'seem' Easy, but once you've admitted everything to Yourself, you'll be amazed at how Easy it really is!

RELAX! Cast everything else aside, and just Be YOU!! Yeah! It really is that Easy! And, you'll find that out as soon as you DO it!

TAKE that Step ... and no matter what ...

Keep smilin'!!
Chaz