When you move on, do you......???

[sillyboy26]

Some of you might have read my other thread about me (26) and this 21 year old guy who is a diagnosed bipolar.

Ever since that night when he texted me to tell me that he "likes me but he cannot do it", I have never stopped pining for him and was holding on to that little glimmer of hope that I could perhaps change his mind and maybe make this relationship work - albeit it would have to be a long distance one for a little while at least.

He wouldn't talk on the phone. But, we've still been texting each other - some days, he'd text a lot, some days it would be one sided (just me) - they are just friendly texts with no lovey-dovey stuff.

I've asked him out to lunch - just to catch up - a few times since but he has simply dodged the question or gone silent on it. Actually, one day he kinda said OK but then had to cancel because something happened at work and he couldn't make lunch.

After a few attempts, I had then texted him to tell him that it was OK if he wasn't ready to see me but I reminded him how I still care for him, and I'd be waiting. I knew it very well that when gets into a depressive mode because of his condition, he wants to avoid all people.

It has been one heck of a roller coaster ride for me, and I'd be lying if I said it didn't hurt anymore but I think I have just started to move on.

So, I guess my question is, when you move on from a guy, do you completely erase him out of your life? Do you remain as friends? Do you stay in touch and if so, how in touch are you?

I still care for him and I constantly think about how he is coping with his medical condition. He hasn't cheated on me or did anything wrong so I cannot just "hate" him and it's just almost impossible to write him off that easily. If anything, he is the one that needs more attention than me.....

Any advice is good advice. Thanks!

 

[AlmondMilk]

Well I met a guy who, when I told him I was moving, said he didn't really want a relationship and he said he'd rather that us move on and not keep in contact. He didn't want there to be any hurt. So I did that. I deleted his email, messenger and his phone. Then a couple of months later he texted me again. When he did, I didn't really know how to respond. He said that he wanted to hang again. I said I was cool with it, but never got a text again.

I can't really say what I do. I tried to move on and wish him the best, but he's still on my mind every once in awhile.

 

[KaraBulut]

There's an additional piece of information that is missing: what is he doing to treat his condition? Is he currently on meds and seeing a doctor? Or is he just slogging through his depressive periods without meds or therapy?

Edit: here's the other thread

 

[rareboy]

Stop pining.

Be supportive but not obsessively clingy.

You can't mend every broken wing.

 

[sillyboy26]

He didn't want there to be any hurt.

That's pretty much what he had said too. On that fateful Friday night, after several attempts at calling him, and after exchanging several texts - he had texted to say "I am sorry I cannot answer the phone. Let's not talk about it because if we argue or agonize over it, we will only get upset".

I am not sure if talking would have made any difference but it sure sucks when you feel like you just haven't done everything.

 

[sillyboy26]

There's an additional piece of information that is missing: what is he doing to treat his condition? Is he currently on meds and seeing a doctor? Or is he just slogging through his depressive periods without meds or therapy?

I wish I knew what he was doing. I haven't asked if he had already gone back to his doctor and gone back to taking his meds again. It's been nearly a month since that episode at work where he just "lost it" and when he had told me that he wants to ask his doc to put him on meds.

His recent texts doesn't "sound like" he is depressed but then again, maybe that can also explain why he is responding to my texts one day and not some days.

 

[sillyboy26]

Stop pining.

Be supportive but not obsessively clingy.

You can't mend every broken wing.

Thanks for reminding me that - I know I ain't Superman but it has never easy for me to get rid of anyone from my life.

I am trying to move on and I think I have taken the first step.

I don't text as often anymore - just trying to be supportive I guess - but it doesn't help when he doesn't respond and when he's been gone from MSN for ages!

 

[payit4ward]

Thanks for reminding me that - I know I ain't Superman but it has never easy for me to get rid of anyone from my life.

I am trying to move on and I think I have taken the first step.

I don't text as often anymore - just trying to be supportive I guess - but it doesn't help when he doesn't respond and when he's been gone from MSN for ages!

It is hard when you really care about someone and sometimes even if it hurts a little it is best for you to move on and if he isn't staying on his medication and seeing his doctor on a regular basis you can't fix him and i know that is very hard also because as gay men we tend to be caregivers in a manner of speaking and we want to always fix everyone.

 

[leNate]

Just remember that its not your job to heal him. You don't have to cut him out of your life but try to set up boundaries, which you seem to be doing. You can't maintain a healthy relationship, of any kind, if you're always playing the role of caretaker and being concerned.

 

[sillyboy26]

I wish I could "heal" him.....there would be a lot less confusion and heartache to deal with!

payit4ward and leNate - I totally agree that it really is that "caregiver" nature of mine that is causing me so much pain and hurt.

Today is like the third time ever since we met each other, that I have ever NOT texted him in an entire day. He has been quiet for a couple of days despite my messages to him over the past two days and I thought I'd give it a little break. The last time I heard from him was on Sunday.

 

[giftart]

I move on, I dont erase them out of my life. But will contact them once awhile. But if the other party decided to ignore me, then Yes I'll totally forget about that person.

 

[KaraBulut]

There's a couple of things that you need to think about:

It's not clear whether you are his friend or his boyfriend or both. You've got some decisions to make regarding which of these things you want to be in the future.

The other concern is that he's not discussing his treatment with you. The question for you is whether you really want to be that heavily involved. It's a big commitment. And it may be that at this time, he needs a supportive friend more than he needs a boyfriend. But it is up to you whether you want to make the kind of commitment that it takes to support a bipolar person who is struggling.

At the very least, you need to talk with him and let him know how you feel and what you want from the relationship. And you need to let him know whether you want to make the commitment that it will take to get through the ups and downs that come with affective disorders.

 

[sillyboy26]

It's not clear whether you are his friend or his boyfriend or both.

And it may be that at this time, he needs a supportive friend more than he needs a boyfriend.

Thanks KaraBulut.

You're absolutely right. I don't know where I stand right now - friend, boyfriend, or both or none. I haven't spoken to him for over a month, the last time I heard his voice was June 15th, a day after the last time I saw him.

June 26th - I had sent him gifts and they were delivered to him at work. He was very happy but things took a turn for the worst later that day. He had texted me to say that he really liked me but he couldn't "do it" i.e. be with me because of our situations (him needing someone here, me being away for a while so it would be a long distance relationship if anything, for a while). I tried to call him but he wouldn't answer, he told me that he "could not answer because if we talk or agonize, we will only get upset". I sent him two very long texts to tell him that if that was what is best for him, then, I would let go. I told him many times that I want to be his friend at the very least to be there to support him, and I want to continue to know him. He had never replied to that text.

From then on, I continued to text him everyday. No lovey-dovey messages but just friendly ones. On some days, we would exchange a few texts, on some days, there would be none from him.

I had told him that I would wait, I had told him that I want to support him. But to those messages, he would not say anything. I had even told him that I have joined a bipolar forum to learn more and seek advice!

I haven't heard from for like 4 days now. I know for a fact I still care for him.....

 

[sillyboy26]

So, I did not text him at all yesterday (Wednesday).

I texted him today and he replied!

All I said was "I'm a bit concerned and hope you're well". He texted me back to say he's OK.

What surprised me was that he actually remembers what I had said in my text to him early Monday morning. I had told him I was attending a course that day, and in his text, he had mentioned it and said he hoped it went well.

I had texted him on Tuesday as well despite him not responding to my previous texts, as he has not texted me since Sunday.

I guess my texts to him are not in vain, he does read them. All I can hope is that he realizes that I really still do care for him.

 

[rareboy]

You really can't let go, can you?

 

[KaraBulut]

Texting a few times to just let him know you're thinking about him is fine. Daily might be a little much. You might want to find the balance between giving him space and keeping in touch.