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Where do I fit?

  • Thread starter Thread starter Tallblue
  • Start date Start date
T

Tallblue

Guest
Hi, a bit of advice needed.

I know we shouldn't label ourselves, just be free,etc.. but, I don't know what I am. I like guys, I like butch women, I like FTM guys, am I bi, am I gay, pan, IDK what any of the sexualities apart from straight, bi and gay mean. What do you think?
 
Technically, "pansexual" is supposed to cover all possibilities.

Not to make light of your dilemma but I always thought Margaret Cho's self-description ("where's my parade?") was a much better solution than to over-obsess about labels:

 
If I were in your shoes I think I'd identify as homosexual, gay, but heteroflexible. It's on the spectrum of bisexual, or pansexual.
I think pansexual also makes a bit of sense. Because you're kind of attracted to people regardless of gender, it's just that masculine presentation seems to be key.

I'm wondering though, is the distress you're feeling maybe coming from having a problem using different labels depending on the situation? Because the truth is, these labels are just tools. Powerful, helpful tools. But they can't always encapsulate all the nuance behind the basic concept they're being used to describe.

And so sometimes it makes sense to change the label because it makes sense for the context. If a word for your sexuality exists, it's probably not something most people are going to know about; meaning you'll have to explain it anyways. What's wrong with having an extra descriptor you sometimes tack on because you want to give a fuller picture? 'I'm gay; but sometimes find other people with masculine presentations attractive too' or 'I'm pan but exclusively attracted to masculinity' or even 'I'm attracted to masculinity'.

There's a lot of reasons someone chooses a label. And I think if you figure out what you're looking for in a label it will help you tremendously. For example, I label myself 'bi' but I think I'd be justified in calling myself 'gay'. I'm more easily attracted to men; with women I don't experience attraction until after I've gotten to know them--this type of attraction is called 'demisexuality' if you're curious. I'm pretty much never going to be attracted to a woman that is a stranger, but I can and am to men. But at the end of the day, I feel 'bisexual' is just more accurate, and I like the history connected to the term.

Some people choose labels out of being pragmatic. A lot of straight-identifying people can and do persistently engage in homosexual activities over their life time. But they're never going to want to be with a guy long term and so claiming 'bisexuality' could give the wrong impression to the men they fool around with.

And that's another thing to consider, romantic attraction is often conflated with sexual attraction, maybe splitting the two could get you closer to what you're looking for? Maybe you're homo-romantic, pansexual?

Try to think about what you feel you're missing by not having a label. Are you missing community? History? Reflection? Permission? Explanation?

I'm glad you're reaching out and I hope you, or we, can help you figure things out!
 
Thanks guys, I think I'm pansexual. I wanted to label it, just to make sense of it really. I know some days I'll be stereotypically gay, then the next won't.

You've all helped a lot. Thanks.
 
jumpup2 said:
I think seacore is on point. If you want a designation it's important to you. I, like seacore, accept you as you are. Don't get all inside your head. We respect you.
Click to expand...

^And this is exactly what the Margaret Cho clip is about. It's from "I'm the One That I Want" which is a comedy routine about her work in therapy on her self image, her sexuality, her weight issues and her addictions. Ultimately, she reaches a point where she changes the things about herself that she can and accepts the things that she cannot change.

When it comes to these issues about sexual identity, it is important to find a name to describe how you feel but also know that accepting your sexual orientation is far more important than naming it.
 
KaraBulut said:
^And this is exactly what the Margaret Cho clip is about. It's from "I'm the One That I Want" which is a comedy routine about her work in therapy on her self image, her sexuality, her weight issues and her addictions. Ultimately, she reaches a point where she changes the things about herself that she can and accepts the things that she cannot change.

When it comes to these issues about sexual identity, it is important to find a name to describe how you feel but also know that accepting your sexual orientation is far more important than naming it.
Click to expand...

Repeated for effect.
 
Hey guy's I'm saying pan, it makes sense. I had to name it so I can accept it, because I din't know what I was.
 
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