I am attracted to the idea of having a bullwhip. In my fantasy, I see myself shirtless, tighter muscles than I have, in a black cowboy hat, smiling hysterically, fantastically happy, whirling the whip, looking like my own personal storm cloud wavering in a 20-, 30-foot circumference, the tail quivering anxiously. And how fearsome the crack of my thunder is.
I realized today I live my life in a cycle of instant gratification. I knew I'm driven by a need for control, but I hadn't realized I don't stick with anything I don't have control over. I can stick to a long term plan, as long as the plan follows the steps I've laid out. Once uncertainty hits, the clock starts 'til I either achieve my result or end it.
Another clue for me as to why I can't find someone to be intimate with. I can't handle the effort and time it takes to attempt something uncertain with such consequences. And though I've never achieved the goal, I've fallen many times through the consequences.
I realized today I live my life in a cycle of instant gratification. I knew I'm driven by a need for control, but I hadn't realized I don't stick with anything I don't have control over. I can stick to a long term plan, as long as the plan follows the steps I've laid out. Once uncertainty hits, the clock starts 'til I either achieve my result or end it.
Another clue for me as to why I can't find someone to be intimate with. I can't handle the effort and time it takes to attempt something uncertain with such consequences. And though I've never achieved the goal, I've fallen many times through the consequences.