Why am I so confused?

[cummuncher24]

So hey everyone, im dealing with a lot of questions about my sexuality. Ive been questioning my sexuality since I was in the 5th grade when I watched porn for the first time. It was gay porn. Over the years, I would go through these periods where I would either be really into girls or really into guys.

This past summer, I started getting this weird feeling in my stomach and all I could think of is men. It was a feeling and experience that Id never had before. A few months later I acted on it, multiple times. It was the first time id ever had any sexual experience with a man or woman. Now within the past few weeks, I am back at this place where I feel that I like the idea of being gay and doing the act more than actually doing the act and being gay.

It has been all so confusing. Im 24 and I still am confused by this. I dont know, if im just pushing away my true feelings because of how our society reacts to the LGBT community or if im just bi. I obviously know that im not 100% straight. So i would just really love some advice. Thanks.

 

[Alexander91]

I kinda know what do you mean. I was around 8-10 when I first ever felt attracted to a men. From that point until I was 20, I was convinced it was just a phase and that I was straight, just with an "light" attraction towards men. I used to force myself to watch straight porn, and, chuckles, got turned on when then focused on the guy and turned off when they focused on the gal. It wasn't until I met a guy online, who was (and still is) very supportive, almost like therapist.

I met him on MenHunt, we video sex a little, but then we started talking about life, his stage of confusion, etc and asked me the same. Long story short, we fell in love and he's my current partner. He and my best friend made me realize that it's okay to be different, but that I was gay, and not "bi-curious" or bisexual like I kept telling myself, because I felt I was capable of emotionally loving a woman, but incapable of perform, while with men, well, I was able to get turn on so easily, but I said to myself, "this is just sexual", "you can't love emotionally a man.

I guess what I'm trying to say is to feel comfortable in your own skin, don't care too much of what people think, because people will always talk shit, and "experiment" a little (in a safe way of course), and find support. This can come either from a friend or from someone from the LGBT community.

 

[Seasoned]

^Perfect, from the heart sharing, and similar to many experiences. Since no one is raised to be gay, same sex attraction can be confusing and troublesome to say the least. Support is critical and therapy can be helpful.

 

[cummuncher24]

Thanks alexander91 and seasoned, I really appreciate the response.

 

[umdoistressilvaquatro]

Ok, correct me if I'm oversimplifying or being plain wrong, but;
1) Sexual arousal is physiological fact, it can't be faked out
2) If you have the capacity to be sexually aroused by woman, image of woman or imagining woman, then you are sexually attracted to woman
3) You were sexually attracted to man and woman (more intensely to man, if i got it right)
4) If someone is sexually attracted to man and woman, simultaneously or not, in equal intensities or not, then this person is bisexual

 

[mcbrion]

That depends on how encompassing the meaning of bisexuality is. Is the attraction only sexual or does he have feeling for guys, too? As a story I read once put it: it's not who you have sex with, it's who you want to lie down with at the end of the day (man or woman). He may still be bi SEXUAL, but not in his emotions. So, that's something he needs to discover.

 

[umdoistressilvaquatro]

That depends on how encompassing the meaning of bisexuality is. Is the attraction only sexual or does he have feeling for guys, too? As a story I read once put it: it's not who you have sex with, it's who you want to lie down with at the end of the day (man or woman). He may still be bi SEXUAL, but not in his emotions. So, that's something he needs to discover.

I could talk for pages and pages about how much I distrust that "splitting model" of orientations. Reducing homosexuality to sex seems like classical homophobia, and the reluctance to accept simple labels when the label is not straight seems like classical internalized homophobia. Hating our labels is such a predictable coping strategy, and so obviously destructive.

I mean, how many times have you heard diferent versions of “I’d have sex with a guy but I couldn’t ever DATE one”, especially from younger people? I too believed I was straight, and if this idea of “heteroromantic bisexual” had been around when I was 15, I guarantee you I would have been all over that shit. The idea that you could be sexually attracted to guys but that dating them was out of the picture (and I wouldn’t even be fully conscious of why that might be). To understand why gay/bi people are drawn to that concept, it’s important to remember that we live in a society that devalues every conceivable type of relationship between same sex couples, and sees romance between them as an impossibility. Promoting this dichotomous split between sexual and romantic attraction is enforcing that notion. They provide "official" identities that allow people to minimize their same-sex attraction to as just physical reaction, not an indicator of the possibility of a flourishing relationship with a guy, not something that could get in the way of us having a "normal relationship".

Sexual attraction and romantic feelings are both manifestations of your sexual orientation, but physical sexual attraction is much more difficult to misinterpret than romantic feelings (and, therefore, we are much more easily pressured to misinterpret it by society). Splitting orientations is an unnecessary confusion that only helps to mantain unhealthy coping for gay/bi guys.

The split attraction model is innapropriate to describe anything besides asexuals. The split attraction model is only acceptable when used by the asexual community because often they have romantic feelings even without sexual attraction - considering the independence of romantic feelings over sexual attraction in these cases have a functional importance. If you're not asexual, don't split orientations. Don't co-opt their terminology in a way that can and will cover the inevitable reluctance we all had to accept full conscience of the implications of our sexual orientation. I can’t pretend that this is a totally sound and safe concept to gay/bi people.

 

[Rolyo85]

Ultimately, just explore yourself with men and women. I personally prefer the binary of gay/straight, with a vaguely defined "bi" in between, not because I think it's the alpha and omega of sexuality, but because far more people fit into those categories than don't, and personally, I don't think you need some ultra specific term for "I like my gender tons more than the other, but I can sorta do the other to". That's still gay in my book, while the opposite is still "straight". Being "bi" - again, to me - is either an equal attraction, or one that periodically shifts, or one that is just focusing on individuals without regard to their gender.

Of course, there are other, more complex notions of sexuality, and you are welcome to - and should - explore them. But ultimately, deciding you are one thing isn't sealing a demonic blood pact with your soul. You still get to change your mind. Either way, since you know you're not straight, anything else will have to be constantly explained to every new person you meet, so what does it matter if the explanation changes?

The first part of my post isn't meant to start an argument, it's simply how I find it easy to view things.