Why can’t I just be me? Why is it all about sex?

[Theit10101]

This topic came from when my father found out I was gay by my mom. I told her and my sister a month ago but not my father or brothers. (I regret it but…..anyways…) My dad came up to me and after stalling a bit he told me that my mom said I was gay and that I was afraid to tell him and if It was true and I was like “FUUCKKK!! (Both my parents was drunk at the time and my mom was sleep and it was like 3 in the morning BTW) So I told him yea and he immediately started asking me “if I like dick”, “do I take it up the ass” etc.
Why does being gay always have to be about sex. I think the same way and that’s why I haven’t really come out to all my family and friends. I been in situations where a gay person is talked about and all that is talked about or “mad fun of” is anal sex and dick jokes. WTF! I so sick of this and I think this is one of the reasons why I'm not officially out the closet.
I don’t want people judging me and talking about me behind my back and I know I cant control this.
I can really write an essay here but I'm going to stop here. I just needed to vent a lil.

 

[askerby1]

I'm really uncomfortable with your dad asking if you like dick or take it up the ass. He could ask if you were sure- happy or comfortable about your life. He is assuming you are a stereotypical guy that would be so weak and blatant- just wrong. You're fine- just keep going on with your life! Best of luck to you.

 

[conrad]

No, it isn't all about sex; and, it isn't just about you either.
IT'S ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS!

And, it is in relationships that sex can come about naturally, and that includes sex with a male or a female.

You don't have to come out to your parents or to your siblings. Unfortunately, in the world as it is, those persons closest too one often forget that sex is personal and private. Others are entitled to what they can observe. If you don't tell and they don't pry. your journey into the fullness of your unique sexuality can be a very happy thing.

When you have answered and worked on the questions you need to deal with, you will, I believe, be in better shape to deal with your family, friends, and others.

From the moment you were born your well-being depended on being in relationship. Parents see their job as getting you through the period of dependency into a more mature independence.

Yet, it is not complete independence you want. You want and need others to complete your life. Your parents and other adults may urge you to reach out to others in friendship and the friendship is often returned.

NOTICE: NOBODY HAS YET BURDENED YOU WITH TALK OF SEX.

All relationships have worth, but not all relationships ever become sexual relationships. Ideally, you would bond with someone in a friendship which increasingly becomes more than just a friendship. There is within you what we may call an "animal urge" which you met up with when you first joined your hand to your cock and discovered the joy that masturbation can bring. When you and your friend finally do have sex it should seem natural and right. In a very important way sex at that stage of a relationship confirms the bond of friendship and love that already exists.

And, my friend, when this happens for you you will thank God for those "persistent urges" and you will thank God too for your brain and the brain of your partner so that your sexual relationship can always be such that the "urges" are under control. (I hope you note that I do not view God as a killjoy in matters sexual. I assume that the author and Creator of human sexuality intended it as a joyful boon and not as a curse. )

My friend, you can enter a whole new world. But you have to bring to that new world a new way of thinking. Every person's life is different so we try to avoid giving advice. But, When you accept yourself and others as fully human and fully sensuous beings, things can change.

I wish you the best.

 

[saymyname]

Yeah, when I came out, my mom asked me if "someone touched me" when I was younger. WTF?

The thing is, no matter what, some ignorant people are going to think that way and automatically degrade us and minimize us to a sexual act. They're homophobic. You can't let them stop you. But it really says a lot about those kind of people that they can reduce someone to a physical act.

But I assure you, outside of a redneck, conservative kind of community, people in general aren't like that. Thinking that way is still based on the idea that gay sex is somehow gross, unnatural, wrong, etc.

It's just so incredibly hypocritical that people think that way. It's absurd. As if a heterosexual woman gets degraded for being a "cocksucker" and as if only gay people (and all gay people) have anal sex. And as if ANY sex, when looked at from an adolescent perspective, isn't gross. I've always enjoyed coming back with: baby stabber, placenta pounder, blood fucker. How do they like it?

 

[aab91030]

I sympathize 100% with what's been written in this thread. Why is it all about sex? I'm out to those who need to know, and to those whom I trust most; but even among the latter, it seems being gay is the first thing they see, as if it's all I'm about, but nothing could be further from the truth and it annoys me to no end. When they say something like that to my face, I just politely tell them off...!

 

[rareboy]

It is pretty creepy that your father is asking what you like to do in the bedroom.

It would be like you asking if he likes your mom to rim his ass or if he likes to eat her out.

I think that my response would have been....

'Yes and yes, but it isn't just about the sex. It is about love too.

And, Dad, your questions are completely creepy and i'm going to try to forget you ever asked them.'

 

[sd1989]

Some dads talk with there straight kids about sex, for me it be weird, but it could be a way of bonding with you. Weird but maybe.

 

[Nomenclature]

Yeah, when I came out, my mom asked me if "someone touched me" when I was younger. WTF?

I got the most outrageous presumptions/questions from my mother over time, too. For the longest time, she absolutely INSISTED that it was because I needed a father figure, and wanted attention from older guys who I thought would take care of me. She also brought up molestation, and absolutely INSISTED that the guy I randomly hooked up was my "lover", and that I was in love with him and dating him > would run away with him.


/facepalm I had to actually explain to her that there are no-strings attached hook-up sites, and that people don't go on those to date or meet anyone like that. /facepalm

It's just so incredibly hypocritical that people think that way. It's absurd. As if a heterosexual woman gets degraded for being a "cocksucker" and as if only gay people (and all gay people) have anal sex. And as if ANY sex, when looked at from an adolescent perspective, isn't gross. I've always enjoyed coming back with: baby stabber, placenta pounder, blood fucker. How do they like it?

Oh, yeah. I've had a lot of straight people make comments like this, thinking it would hurt my feelings. If given the chance, I explained exactly the same things you did, and told them that "Telling me to 'suck a dick' would be just like me telling you to 'fuck a pussy'; you're just telling me to get laid, and I would enjoy that. How is that an insult?" I then pointed out that they engaged in a lot of sodomy and pre-marital sex themselves, and those acts were biblically punishable by death. and their response was something like "Well. . .yeah. . .I. . .guess you're right; I did. But at least it was with a woman!"


The comments after that stopped, for the most part. So, hopefully I made them feel as retarded as they really were.





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To the OP:


Your father's just in disbelief, and struggling to accept that his son is gay. . .the same way you were struggling to accept that you were gay awhile ago. He was drunk, so that made him a lot more easily offended, and those inappropriate comments flew out of his mouth without him really being able to think about anything.


Give it time; he's going to need a lot of time to think about this while he's sober before he can possible accept this.

 

[slnattak]

They're just curious...

Being gay isn't all about sex no, but it's a big part of it. My grandma once asked me about gloryholes, I couldn't believe it. A lot of times they're just curious (Not interested, but just curious) and as gay people, I think we should educate them. I once had to teach a straight guy why anal sex feels good (for some guys at least I mean I love it if I'm in the mood...)

You are just you. And that includes a sexual being. Knowing what turns you on and what satisfies you sexually is all part of being a mature adult.

Normally I'd say 'mind your own business' when somebody gets personal with me but people are just curious of each other. We like to know this stuff!

 

[conrad]

Sinattak, some folks never do get beyond seeing sex simply as a way of 'getting off" '

I recall being called a cocksucker before I had reached that level of sexual contact; back then we also might refer a person with preference for males as a "cornholer"--but that was in the Corn Belt.

Though I was never the pious type, I was very determined to fit my activities on my journey into the fullness of my sexuality into my worldview, values, etc.,and my teachers did encourage us to do our own thinking and never to say we believed something until we had made it our own. All along the way I did love myself as a sexual being as that became clearer to me as I became aware of my body and my thoughts. \

My vision of my God was never anti-sex. And, I had no difficulty in thanking God for my own sexuality as I became aware of it. My God . the original author of human sexuality, IMHO, calls on us to celebrate and enjoy responsibly our sexuality. I would wish that the OP could come to feel the same way about sex.

But it was never "all about sex" and I had relationships which were important to me that never ever had a sexual element to them.

I had only three male partners, all in long-term relationships, before I finally married. There were also two females with whom I had long term relationships. But, with all of them, there was no sex until we were firmly bonded as friends. Indeed, I never had sex with any person until I was bonded in love with that person. My former partners are all still alive and the love we have for each other has endured longer than our sexual parnership, The love abides. along with the memory of the fantastic sex we had together.

IMHO, it all starts with friendship which deepens to becoming a relationship and if that relationship includes sexual communion. we learn that sex can be a big part of the wonder and beauty of it all.

IMHO only a fool would make living "all about sex" but also, IMHO, only a fool would attempt to exclude sex from his/her life.