Why do people get into rebound relationships?

[saymyname]

Generally speaking. I've never understood this, and have never done it personally myself. When I get out of a relationship, I'm usually pretty confused and a bit of a mess, and need time to process, cry, and figure out how I feel. I wouldn't even want to bring someone into my life in an affectionate or romantic way when I am still sorting through all my baggage.

So how can some guys do it?

My ex is now officially in a relationship (about a week ago) with a guy he knew for about 4 days, who he met a month and a half after we broke up. He was till texting me and kinda messing with my head, and now all of a sudden he's in a new relationship, and now we don't talk because of that. What I don't understand is how someone can go from a year + relationship, break up (one of the reasons being that he can't be in a serious relationship right now), and then start a new relationship with someone a month and a half later. It makes me wonder if he is really just over me, or if he's doing it because he's lonely and being single wasn't as much fun as he thought it would be (something he's admitted to me personally), or if he's trying to see if the grass is really greener on the other side (the guy is the exact opposite of me in terms of personality, younger than me and a year younger than my 18 year old ex, but has some of the same physical characteristics of me but with a different aesthetic).

My ex is someone who deeply represses his emotions. He's very emotionally masculine - when he is angry or upset about something or at someone, he won't communicate about it, he'll shut down and block it out of his thoughts completely. But at this point, I don't know if he was repressing his emotions, or if they simply don't exist. Part of me has to consider the possibility that he isn't rebounding, and is really just over me, as hard as that is to accept, but part of me feels that maybe he emotionally cut himself off during the relationship, during the last few months it did sort of feel that way, so his repairing time after the break up was much shorter because he wasn't very invested during the end anyways. So it could have just been easier for him to move on, whereas I was always very invested, especially at the end when I was trying to hang on. But then again, whenever we'd fight after the breakup, he'd always respond in anger, and specifically said he's not ready to be friends yet, and had a huge fucking hard on the moment he laid down in bed the last time we slept together. I never felt that he was "over it" but just forcing himself to be. If he was over it, he wouldn't have said we need to wait until the end of summer to be friends.

I just don't get why someone would do that. How can you be ready for a new relationship right after a break up?

 

[youngnihilist]

It is a rebound and young gay guys in a club scene hop from relationship to relationship monthly, or even weekly. Don't be surprised if this relationship ends within days.

 

[saymyname]

It is a rebound and young gay guys in a club scene hop from relationship to relationship monthly, or even weekly. Don't be surprised if this relationship ends within days.

Few things would make me happier. I know I shouldn't care, though, but it is seriously insulting that he could go from a year long, big-deal relationship, to that. It reminds me of that line from You Oughta Know - "it was a slap in the face/how quickly I was replaced." It's just insulting.

I know that guys do that, hopping around monthly, but I didn't think it'd be the case right after something big. Makes me wonder if it mattered at all, you know? And I'm young, I'm 21, and I'm not doing that shit. But I'm more of a sensitive guy, I guess.

Even after my one or two month long relationships, I still wouldn't even DATE for a few weeks, let alone have another relationship. I've never gotten into a new relationship without at least 3 or 4 months going by since the old one. Casually dating or messing around is one thing, but making it official with someone? No way. The only guy I'm interested in right now is me.

 

[saymyname]

If someone can move on so quickly, it makes me wonder if he ever really even loved me in the first place. Maybe it's not possible to be in love when you're 17/18. Maybe it was just an extended infatuation.

 

[bankside]

I'm sorry to hear you broke up, but I hope you'll find in time that it was for the best. If that is the case, I'm sure it won't matter to you what he gets up to, other than to wish him well, from a distance.

 

[saymyname]

I'm sorry to hear you broke up, but I hope you'll find in time that it was for the best. If that is the case, I'm sure it won't matter to you what he gets up to, other than to wish him well, from a distance.

Thanks, but I'm not sure what this has to do with why people rebound, or whatever. Also, I don't know why I would wish someone well that used me, fucked me around, and then broke my heart and moved on to the next guy right away. But if I could stop caring, I would. It feels very foolish to still be crying over someone who has not cried over me in some time, I imagine.

 

[saymyname]

Anyone else want to weigh in? I'm really trying to wrap my head around why people do this, and how one can even tell if it's a rebound, or if the whole thing really was cheap enough that one person can actually move on that quickly in a legitimate way.

 

[bankside]

Thanks, but I'm not sure what this has to do with why people rebound, or whatever. Also, I don't know why I would wish someone well that used me, fucked me around, and then broke my heart and moved on to the next guy right away. But if I could stop caring, I would. It feels very foolish to still be crying over someone who has not cried over me in some time, I imagine.

Sorry - I know that I'm not always good at getting across the subtleties of my ideas on the internet...

In my world if I "wish someone well" I'm basically saying "Good luck with that" and it is kind of the ultimate write-off, where I realise I have done everything I could, and I know that I can live with the situation because if there were any other option but letting someone go, I would have found it, and it's on his head now.

I'm sorry your heart was broken. People have the power to do that to other people, and sometimes they do. You don't have to "forgive and forget" or even stop caring, but after a while, please make room for someone who might care about you - it could mean as much to him as it could mean to you. You might know the time is right when you stop crying and decide that is who he really is and what he really wants. I have had to let people disappoint me if that is their true will, and once I figure that out, it is easy to let it go.

They rebound for all the stupidest reasons you can imagine - it might be just that you're surprised that this guy could be that way.

 

[saymyname]

Thank you. That was much more clear. I feel that sometimes - I look back on everything we had together, the end, and then who he's with now, and I feel this kind of "the lines of have been drawn" kind of feeling. It's like he had to choose between two kinds of gay worlds: the art scene, the weirdos, the cultural people, art fags, indie boys, that's kind of where I am, what I'm into, and he got way more into the whole village, plastic, high fashion, materialistic attitude thing. Which is fine, I just felt like he never really gave us a fair chance to try and mesh those two words, and now he's with someone just like him. And I think to myself, if that's the kind of person he thinks he wants to be, to an extreme, then maybe he's right... and I can totally find someone more up my alley... but out of decency I wasn't planning on doing it overnight.

 

[artemis]

Although my relationship only lasted 6 months, im in a similar situation - my ex is with someone else less than 2 weeks after our break up. We were living together too...

It really is a slap in the face, and I keep wishing and wishing they'll break up. I'm finding it really hard to let go because of this, because I'm annoyed he moved on so quickly.

Any advice? :-/

 

[anchihiro]

Why?

Trust me there is no genuine why. You are understandably upset about the loss of you're relationship, it will take time to heal, but eventually one day without realising you wont feel this way anymore.
What you are doing right now is trying to figure out some form of logical reasoning as to the how, what, when, why. This is a natural and common part of dealing with an ended relationship.

At best all i can say is that, in typical fashion here you have a relationship that meant more to one person than the other. Even if you think, 'no we felt equal, he told me so' it still may not be true. I'm not saying to him the relationship was meaningless, im sure he was/is sad you parted.

But this guy is a teenager, you can often find in cases that gay people after they come out, can be to a point insecure. They felt their sexuality was pent up, whilst others (heterosexual) were free to express themselves. Some gay people do feel a need to 'catch up' in terms of the number of people or experiences in ratio with their peers. This can unfortunately bring out a bad side of some people, but this is common in the gay community.

My advice to you is to let him be, this new relationship possibly wont last, and he'll continue on his way with other guys. Maybe i dont know.
But you should try and move on. Take this as an experience and be grateful you succeeded in having one of your first meaningful relationships. Some people at 21 still havent achieved this. Take care

 

[saymyname]

Why?

Trust me there is no genuine why. You are understandably upset about the loss of you're relationship, it will take time to heal, but eventually one day without realising you wont feel this way anymore.
What you are doing right now is trying to figure out some form of logical reasoning as to the how, what, when, why. This is a natural and common part of dealing with an ended relationship.

At best all i can say is that, in typical fashion here you have a relationship that meant more to one person than the other. Even if you think, 'no we felt equal, he told me so' it still may not be true. I'm not saying to him the relationship was meaningless, im sure he was/is sad you parted.

But this guy is a teenager, you can often find in cases that gay people after they come out, can be to a point insecure. They felt their sexuality was pent up, whilst others (heterosexual) were free to express themselves. Some gay people do feel a need to 'catch up' in terms of the number of people or experiences in ratio with their peers. This can unfortunately bring out a bad side of some people, but this is common in the gay community.

My advice to you is to let him be, this new relationship possibly wont last, and he'll continue on his way with other guys. Maybe i dont know.
But you should try and move on. Take this as an experience and be grateful you succeeded in having one of your first meaningful relationships. Some people at 21 still havent achieved this. Take care

Thank you. That was a very insightful response. Actually, I've been feeling a lot better. I think I'm getting better. It's like withdrawing from a drug. It's insane. But I am feeling better and beginning to process and understand things more and get more of a perspective. I mean, I am still angry that he could move on so quickly, and that he never actually worked on our problems during the relationship itself, but now I am starting to see in what very intrinsic ways we are perhaps too different, and how much his youngness is a part of this. I'm still very angry at him that he allowed and perpetuated (and manipulated) such an imbalance of affection, selectively loving me as much as I loved him when he felt like it, and I'm also still very angry at him for not carrying his weight and than chalking up the entire issue to "we're too different," as opposed to trying to work with or work through our differences like I was always trying to.

But I hear you about the experience game - I definitely, definitely felt that way, come to think of it, until I was about 21. But love is so much better, at least I think so. I think not talking to each other is helping a lot right now, and I too doubt his new relationship will last very long. But one thing I am coming to peace with in particular is the different ways that we both saw and took this relationship. I am starting to realize how young he really is. One of the biggest problems we had was that there was a huge separation between "my friends" and "his friends" and "my scene" and "his scene" in terms of things to do in the city. I always tried to compromise and work with him, but he wouldn't have it. And now I'm starting to realize that, when I met him, he was 17 and more of a blank slate. There wasn't very much to conflict with. But once he started going out, meeting this group of friends, seeing my world in contrast and realizing that we're into different scenes, I think a big part of what happened is that he was in the middle of trying to form an identity for himself as an adult. And I thought back to how when I was 17/18, a big part of forming my identity was doing it by negation: knowing who I am NOT, and knowing who I do NOT want to hang out with, what things I am NOT interested in, etc. So as he entered this new world (gay club culture nightlife) and then contrasted it to what I was into (bohemian urban hipster stuff), he saw a big conflict in terms of forming his identity formation.

It just pisses me off because I realize how petty those labels are, and how you just have to work with each other a bit, but I think he's more interested in figuring out who he is in that world. Plus the whole "I need to be single" and then jumping into a new relationship thing adds to it.

I don't plan on communicating with him whatsoever until him and his ugly ass boyfriend break up. And I'm not sure why I would even want to talk to someone who could be so quick to move on, but maybe when that rebound thing ends, maybe after the summer we could pick up on friend terms. I just don't even know if it'd be worth it because he just makes me feel like the whole thing was for naught and that he cheapened it immensely by not mourning the loss of it for very long.

 

[artemis]

Although my relationship only lasted 6 months, im in a similar situation - my ex is with someone else less than 2 weeks after our break up. We were living together too...

It really is a slap in the face, and I keep wishing and wishing they'll break up. I'm finding it really hard to let go because of this, because I'm annoyed he moved on so quickly.

Any advice? :-/

Anyone have any advice? It's just really getting to me and I feel like such a loser because I never seem to meet guys that easily...I know obviously I shouldn't feel like this because maybe I'm being sensible by not actively seeking someone else straight away, but I'm just so pissed off he moved on so quickly.

 

[miguelfukt]

artemis some guys are able to move on quickly cuz they dont give a shit about you. this has happend to me and it takes time to get over it! hopefully you dont run into them anywhere. unfortunately for me i ran into my ex and his new bf's several times. the reason i ever got into a rebound was because i went out and looked for someone else. plus it helped me to move on.

 

[Nomenclature]

Some people can't stand to be alone, and need the security of being in a relationship at all times. Some people are in love with being in love, and not necessarily the person they're with. They will - perhaps without initially intending to - wind up walking all over people until they find who/what they're looking for.

 

[artemis]

artemis some guys are able to move on quickly cuz they dont give a shit about you. this has happend to me and it takes time to get over it! hopefully you dont run into them anywhere. unfortunately for me i ran into my ex and his new bf's several times. the reason i ever got into a rebound was because i went out and looked for someone else. plus it helped me to move on.

Well due to circumstances out of my control he's now living next door :-( Still, I haven't ran into him that much but it does get to me a bit thinking of him and this guy that close by...I helped him get back on his feet after a rough part of his life, and it was because of me he was able to move to the area in the first place... and get settled again...just feel so used.

And to make matters worse im still not entirely sure what it is I did to drive him away :-(

 

[TriBi]

Some people can't stand to be alone, and need the security of being in a relationship at all times. Some people are in love with being in love, and not necessarily the person they're with. They will - perhaps without initially intending to - wind up walking all over people until they find who/what they're looking for.

^ This - with the rider that (maybe I am a little less cynical) some people just don't function well as a single entity - they NEED to be in a relationship, to BE with someone, to have company/affection/support - etc.

Please note that most of my friends are straight - but I have seen this so many times - they can't function alone - so they fall into a relationship with the next available person - any maybe get in waaay deeper than they should before they find out that it wasn't ideal...(event to the extent of having a couple of kids)...

 

[artemis]

I think ur right...not to psycho-analyse him too deeply but he was disowned by his parents after he came out as gay (they haven't spoken to him for 7 years), so that may have something to do with his need to be close to someone all the time...but who knows.

Anyway thanks for the advice people

 

[saymyname]

Yeah, maybe it's a personality thing. I know personally, my ex was in a 2 month relationship, and then he went out with me a few weeks later, we were together for over a year, and now he's with that other guy for about the last week or so. So I've realized he's now had a streak of 3 relationships in a row... which is crazy. I think maybe, yeah, it's that they don't know themselves well enough to be comfortable or secure by themselves, so they feed off of other people to form their own identity? I don't know. I'm just glad I'm finally starting to feel a little bit better, and it's only been about 2 months. I don't know if they will stay together for another month or six, but either way I won't talk to him if he's with that guy. It's too painful and disrespectful, why would I want to put myself through talking or continuing a friendship with someone who could replace me so quickly.