JayQueer
JUB Addict
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- Nov 14, 2010
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Guys -- please help. I need advice from other gay guys about this. Please don't mock me, or make rude comments about this.
Let me start by saying that I am sort of a submissive person in nature. I have always seen myself as the "bottom" in a gay relationship. In a marriage, I would want to be the "wife."
Recently, I discovered a site called "Dominants" (http://www.dominants.co) I guess it's part of the "Cyber masters" or "Cash masters" scene where an online Master dominates the "slave" using IM, webcam, etc etc and then the slave does what the Master tells him to, and there is usually some kind of payment or gift required to be sent to the Master.
I tried it out and contacted one of the "masters" on the site, most of whom declare themselves to be straight men. I found one of the masters on the site to be really handsome & hot, and with the help of google & facebook (& photos I found online), I was able to confirm that the guy really is a straight man.
So I contacted him, and immediately he began degrading me online and calling me all kinds of names ("fag", "homo", "queer", "slave", etc) There was no nudity involved, but he also showed me more of his pics shirtless & flexing (he is really muscular), and he also put up his really big feet up to the webcam and told me to lick his big, sweaty feet while he called me all kinds of nasty, degrading names.
I felt really conflicted during the experience. On one hand, I felt so repulsed, disgusted, and ashamed of what I was doing. Where was my dignity, and self-respect, to allow another man to verbally abuse me like that?
But at the same time, I was SO TURNED ON. I had such a raging hard-on looking at this straight, muscular, white guy's pictures and webcam........and doing obeying whatever this hunky guy told me to do.
A couple days later, I emailed the guy back and told him I was no longer interested in "serving" him. I decided I couldn't continue for several reasons, first, he was straight so there would never be anything more than a platonic relationship, and second, I felt like he was just using me as a way to get free money at my expense. And lastly, while it turned me on so much to be humiliated, I didn't feel comfortable essentially paying someone money who threw around the word "fag" to my face, as much as he did.
But I'm still so confused. Why did it turn me on so much to be humilated and "gay bashed" by a straight, muscular, attractive man?
I have wondered since, would it have turned me on to be humiliated by another gay guy? I'm not sure. If he was really masculine, muscular, and white like the straight guy was......then probably yes.
Does this mean that I would be a "sub" in the gay BDSM community? BDSM, with all of its dark leather, chains, whips, gags, etc.......really scares me.
I'm just trying to figure out what this all means. Is it possible to be a submissive gay man, and perhaps be in a relationship with a Dominant gay man, without losing my dignity & self-respect?
Let me start by saying that I am sort of a submissive person in nature. I have always seen myself as the "bottom" in a gay relationship. In a marriage, I would want to be the "wife."
Recently, I discovered a site called "Dominants" (http://www.dominants.co) I guess it's part of the "Cyber masters" or "Cash masters" scene where an online Master dominates the "slave" using IM, webcam, etc etc and then the slave does what the Master tells him to, and there is usually some kind of payment or gift required to be sent to the Master.
I tried it out and contacted one of the "masters" on the site, most of whom declare themselves to be straight men. I found one of the masters on the site to be really handsome & hot, and with the help of google & facebook (& photos I found online), I was able to confirm that the guy really is a straight man.
So I contacted him, and immediately he began degrading me online and calling me all kinds of names ("fag", "homo", "queer", "slave", etc) There was no nudity involved, but he also showed me more of his pics shirtless & flexing (he is really muscular), and he also put up his really big feet up to the webcam and told me to lick his big, sweaty feet while he called me all kinds of nasty, degrading names.
I felt really conflicted during the experience. On one hand, I felt so repulsed, disgusted, and ashamed of what I was doing. Where was my dignity, and self-respect, to allow another man to verbally abuse me like that?
But at the same time, I was SO TURNED ON. I had such a raging hard-on looking at this straight, muscular, white guy's pictures and webcam........and doing obeying whatever this hunky guy told me to do.
A couple days later, I emailed the guy back and told him I was no longer interested in "serving" him. I decided I couldn't continue for several reasons, first, he was straight so there would never be anything more than a platonic relationship, and second, I felt like he was just using me as a way to get free money at my expense. And lastly, while it turned me on so much to be humiliated, I didn't feel comfortable essentially paying someone money who threw around the word "fag" to my face, as much as he did.
But I'm still so confused. Why did it turn me on so much to be humilated and "gay bashed" by a straight, muscular, attractive man?
I have wondered since, would it have turned me on to be humiliated by another gay guy? I'm not sure. If he was really masculine, muscular, and white like the straight guy was......then probably yes.
Does this mean that I would be a "sub" in the gay BDSM community? BDSM, with all of its dark leather, chains, whips, gags, etc.......really scares me.
I'm just trying to figure out what this all means. Is it possible to be a submissive gay man, and perhaps be in a relationship with a Dominant gay man, without losing my dignity & self-respect?
