Why is it so Difficult to Find People?

[MattyMoonTonight]

I wasn't quite sure how to headline this thread, since it's a few different thoughts running through my head right now and this question at the top doesn't really encapsulate all of it.

It feels like I picked the wrong year to come out of the closet. I don't live near any queer communities, but even if I were to move to the nearest one, it feels like nobody is interested in friendships, intimate relationships, or even sexual encounters. Unless you already have a friend group, support system, and/or some kind of a significant other, you're shit out of luck finding anything of the sort. I thought that when I accepted myself and started coming out of the closet as slowly as I could, that there would some kind of acceptance from others, or some kind of warm feeling of pride in being a part of a group. I'm a bit disillusioned in being what I thought was my "authentic self." I didn't think accepting myself would just mean deeper loneliness and isolation. I'm not extroverted or particularly loud & proud, or "flaming" as the term used to be, but I'm a lot less introverted than how I used to be in my teens. That doesn't seem to have helped my case, though. It doesn't feel like my behavior or actions matter at all if nobody wants anything to do with me or anyone else.

I can't be the only person that feels like this, right? There has to be others experiencing this, too, and I'm hoping you have ways to deal with it.

 

[firsttimeagain]

Not sure I’m the one to give you advice, but maybe someone that understands the struggles of the journey. My coming out to myself has been fairly recent mainly in the past year. However, I have always been gay I have just never acted on it. I can say it is hard to find the right avenue to find likeminded people. Especially if you are straight acting like me. No one knows I’m gay in my family or business life. I prefer it to remain that way. I have tried only a relationship app and a well known website for long term relationships. Or so they say. Hooking up is not going to be enough for me. I know relationships take time to develop and I am realistic knowing that I may make a few mistakes along the way looking for that deeper connection.

Long term is preferred, but I am much more open now to not worrying about that part and at least find someone that is likeminded to share with and let that develop as it will. I know that is kinda narrow and it makes it even more difficult looking for the right guy. But, at least I’m opening up on these couple apps/websites with pictures. That kinda makes me nervous, but how else do you look these days? At least I’m coming out enough to see if someone compatible is out there. A lot of the apps are total hook up horn dog apps. Not my style. I prefer to meet people in person, but how do you let people know you are gay and interested without advertising. Lol.

I’m not introverted at all. I’m just cautious and do not want the world to know my business. I know guys are out there that feel like I do. I just wish it were easier to let guys know without advertising it to the world.

I’m super confident in who I am and I know I will eventually find a guy on my journey that is interested. I’m not sure how to move any quicker, but I am making forward progress. Accepting myself and coming out to myself has been a huge step. The journey has only just begun. Good luck. I hope you find what you are looking for moving forward…

 

[BiBtm64]

Hi Matty. I'm sorry you're feeling isolated. And I see that already the posts are rolling in from people talking about themselves, the usual stuff, "I, I, I, me, me, me". Maybe that helps, maybe it doesn't. Let's talk about you.

I see that it's less than two weeks since you posted your introductory post, you said you're 32 and living in rural MN and feel that there are no like minded people of our LGBT community near you. Do you have friends and acquaintances, that you had before you came out? Has anything changed in your relationships with them since coming out? Hopefully they're able to accept you as you are and you're not feeling more isolated from people in general.

I know it seems pretty hard to make connections when openly LGBT people seem to be far away. Maybe start online and start small. I'm not sure that this is the right place where everyone either posts porn gifs or talks about themselves with the same stuff over and over, but maybe we can help. You might find that other people like you, in rural MN, are in the same situation, unable to find connections. Who knows? One of them might be nearby.

Meanwhile, why not put yourself out there in the community just as a good person, taking part in activities, volunteering, meeting people, where it's not about finding a partner but just being yourself. Meeting and making friends in real life is a sure way to broaden your circle and potentially find like minded people.

A couple of things would be worth remembering, I think: you shouldn't link your self worth to how others react (or don't react). Just go with the flow. You're not a worse person for having come out and finding that there isn't a big welcoming group that was previously hidden. Second, don't stress about your age. You've seemed to suggest that you think being 32 is too old and your chances are behind you. That's not the case at all. Keep young at heart, happy, and in shape as best you can, and you'll be the type of person who will attract people to you. Good luck.

 

[MattyMoonTonight]

Not sure I’m the one to give you advice, but maybe someone that understands the struggles of the journey. My coming out to myself has been fairly recent mainly in the past year. However, I have always been gay I have just never acted on it. I can say it is hard to find the right avenue to find likeminded people. Especially if you are straight acting like me. No one knows I’m gay in my family or business life. I prefer it to remain that way. I have tried only a relationship app and a well known website for long term relationships. Or so they say. Hooking up is not going to be enough for me. I know relationships take time to develop and I am realistic knowing that I may make a few mistakes along the way looking for that deeper connection.

Long term is preferred, but I am much more open now to not worrying about that part and at least find someone that is likeminded to share with and let that develop as it will. I know that is kinda narrow and it makes it even more difficult looking for the right guy. But, at least I’m opening up on these couple apps/websites with pictures. That kinda makes me nervous, but how else do you look these days? At least I’m coming out enough to see if someone compatible is out there. A lot of the apps are total hook up horn dog apps. Not my style. I prefer to meet people in person, but how do you let people know you are gay and interested without advertising. Lol.

I’m not introverted at all. I’m just cautious and do not want the world to know my business. I know guys are out there that feel like I do. I just wish it were easier to let guys know without advertising it to the world.

I’m super confident in who I am and I know I will eventually find a guy on my journey that is interested. I’m not sure how to move any quicker, but I am making forward progress. Accepting myself and coming out to myself has been a huge step. The journey has only just begun. Good luck. I hope you find what you are looking for moving forward…

I know where you’re coming from about the dating apps. I’ve tried using them, but the silence just made me feel worthless. I’m old-fashioned; I’d prefer meeting people in person, too, and being in a serious long-term relationship, but that sort of thing seems like it’s abhorred by the rest of the LGBT community; I’ve even made an account on a cruising app, something I would have been too scared to do ten or five years ago, but I feel like the closest I’ll ever be to being in the sort of relationship I’m looking for is to be somebody’s ten-minute mistake. Still too scared to use it outside of fiddling around with profile details.

It really is hard to be a private person and at the same time try to let the people you want to know about you to know. These days, it’s a bit more complicated than getting a piercing on your right ear. There has to be a secret.

It’s great you’re confident in who you are and you know what you want, and I certainly admire your optimism. Good luck to you, as well.

Hi Matty. I'm sorry you're feeling isolated. And I see that already the posts are rolling in from people talking about themselves, the usual stuff, "I, I, I, me, me, me". Maybe that helps, maybe it doesn't. Let's talk about you.

I see that it's less than two weeks since you posted your introductory post, you said you're 32 and living in rural MN and feel that there are no like minded people of our LGBT community near you. Do you have friends and acquaintances, that you had before you came out? Has anything changed in your relationships with them since coming out? Hopefully they're able to accept you as you are and you're not feeling more isolated from people in general.

I know it seems pretty hard to make connections when openly LGBT people seem to be far away. Maybe start online and start small. I'm not sure that this is the right place where everyone either posts porn gifs or talks about themselves with the same stuff over and over, but maybe we can help. You might find that other people like you, in rural MN, are in the same situation, unable to find connections. Who knows? One of them might be nearby.

Meanwhile, why not put yourself out there in the community just as a good person, taking part in activities, volunteering, meeting people, where it's not about finding a partner but just being yourself. Meeting and making friends in real life is a sure way to broaden your circle and potentially find like minded people.

A couple of things would be worth remembering, I think: you shouldn't link your self worth to how others react (or don't react). Just go with the flow. You're not a worse person for having come out and finding that there isn't a big welcoming group that was previously hidden. Second, don't stress about your age. You've seemed to suggest that you think being 32 is too old and your chances are behind you. That's not the case at all. Keep young at heart, happy, and in shape as best you can, and you'll be the type of person who will attract people to you. Good luck.

I really don’t mind if others talk about their own experiences here, it’s nice to know I’m not the only one in the same pit.

Honestly, I’m only “out” to myself; family and coworkers have no idea, and that’s fine with me. I know the social climate is much different than it was in the 1990s, but not everywhere, and my old high school friends, who I’ve never kept in touch with, wouldn’t remember me by now. I haven’t made any friends since then. I wish I knew how some people can just schmooze up to others so seamlessly like it’s some innate characteristic.

I know it sounds like I’m being impatient, and I suppose I am. I’ve been looking for a silver bullet to my problems for so long that I just want to jump into groups (like what I’m doing here and a dozen other forums over the past decade and a half) and hope that this time I’ll find it. I’d love to meet people and discuss things in person, to volunteer and do things, but I don’t know where to look. There are no local resources, nothing that would require spending less than two or three hours to drive there and taking days or weeks off from work.

I tried this past June. As a gift to myself, I made a road trip to a gay-friendly resort some seven hundred miles away. I felt like a trespasser the entire time I was there, but I tried talking and just trying to be okay with myself. By the time I left, I felt like I had ruined someone else’s party, and the drive back home felt awful. Later in the month, I took time off to try to visit Twin Cities Pride, which apparently had the largest attendance in years. I was too scared to go. I don’t know why. I really wanted to go, but I couldn’t bring myself to get into the damn car. Recently, there was a singles mixer for which I bought a ticket, also got cold feet.

Maybe I’m scared of discovering that what I want isn’t realistic.

Thank you for the kind words. I think I’m comparing myself, or rather my progress as a queer person, with others because how I’ve been going about things hasn’t been working too well. Wrapping myself up in nihilism and failing at every endeavor I’ve undertaken hasn’t helped, and I try to look at how others go about things. I want to be okay with myself, just take it easy and go with the flow, but I don’t think I’ll ever see myself without some kind of contempt.

 

[BiBtm64]

Honestly, I’m only “out” to myself; family and coworkers have no idea, and that’s fine with me. I know the social climate is much different than it was in the 1990s, but not everywhere, and my old high school friends, who I’ve never kept in touch with, wouldn’t remember me by now. I haven’t made any friends since then. I wish I knew how some people can just schmooze up to others so seamlessly like it’s some innate characteristic.

I know it sounds like I’m being impatient, and I suppose I am. I’ve been looking for a silver bullet to my problems for so long that I just want to jump into groups (like what I’m doing here and a dozen other forums over the past decade and a half) and hope that this time I’ll find it. I’d love to meet people and discuss things in person, to volunteer and do things, but I don’t know where to look. There are no local resources, nothing that would require spending less than two or three hours to drive there and taking days or weeks off from work.

I tried this past June. As a gift to myself, I made a road trip to a gay-friendly resort some seven hundred miles away. I felt like a trespasser the entire time I was there, but I tried talking and just trying to be okay with myself. By the time I left, I felt like I had ruined someone else’s party, and the drive back home felt awful. Later in the month, I took time off to try to visit Twin Cities Pride, which apparently had the largest attendance in years. I was too scared to go. I don’t know why. I really wanted to go, but I couldn’t bring myself to get into the damn car. Recently, there was a singles mixer for which I bought a ticket, also got cold feet.

Maybe I’m scared of discovering that what I want isn’t realistic.

Thank you for the kind words. I think I’m comparing myself, or rather my progress as a queer person, with others because how I’ve been going about things hasn’t been working too well. Wrapping myself up in nihilism and failing at every endeavor I’ve undertaken hasn’t helped, and I try to look at how others go about things. I want to be okay with myself, just take it easy and go with the flow, but I don’t think I’ll ever see myself without some kind of contempt.

Hi again Matty. I had to think about this one, and reply when I had time. Hope you're doing okay and you're sticking around.

It sounds like you're extremely shy (and that's perfectly fine, it's not a disorder), and along with being only out to yourself, figuring out your identity and where you fit in, you're tried to insert yourself into social situations that were not quite the right fit for you at this time. Settings like gay resorts and Twin Cities Pride are filled with outwardly confident people, often as couples or in groups, and it would be hard for you to feel like you fit in. They'd be challenging for a lot of young guys going as a single, without a partner or group of friends. The singles mixer maybe also seemed like it would be overwhelming for you, if you thought people would be full of confidence, pairing off, and you might feel like you'd be cast adrift. I totally get that.

So don't be hard on yourself for finding out that these were not your crowd or your right settings.

You say "Maybe I’m scared of discovering that what I want isn’t realistic". You might be linking the idea of intimacy and close personal relationships with the idea of a sort of raucous gay lifestyle, maybe influenced by the media when they televise Pride events or advertising that promotes gay resorts (along with the idealized gay couple that are living the dream for the photo). You don't have to put yourself into big loud spaces or live a stereotypical lifestyle to gay, in a real and authentic sense. What you want, you said yourself: you want friendships, intimate relationships, or even sexual encounters. Those things are realistic and they're achievable.

I know it's more difficult for you to connect with people because of your remote living, and it's hard to know a solution to that. Maybe try to connect online in the right spaces where you can form friendships with like minded guys around your age and in your region. See where it goes from there and how you might be able to meet people in person. One thing is certain, you don't have to go to resorts or Pride events (or gay bars, or other similar noisy social/pickup settings), and I would suggest that you shouldn't, those situations may continue to only make you feel more isolated.

What I'll say again is: what you want is realistic, and is achievable. Good luck.

 

[KaraBulut]

...It feels like I picked the wrong year to come out of the closet. I don't live near any queer communities, but even if I were to move to the nearest one, it feels like nobody is interested in friendships, intimate relationships, or even sexual encounters. Unless you already have a friend group, support system, and/or some kind of a significant other, you're shit out of luck finding anything of the sort.

A few years ago, JUB had a large group of younger guys in their 20s who were not the type to go out to bars or places where gay guys socialized. Yet, they talked about friendships that they had online. They had found a place where they felt comfortable and they were using the apps (e.g. Grindr) or networked online games (e.g. "gaymers") to network, meet gay guys and in some cases, find guys to date. That was an example of LGBT people finding new and more modern ways of interacting and networking.

Having lived in a lot of places, I've discovered that there are gay communities everywhere, whether it's a large city or a rural area. The key is to find a way to meet them. And I often say that the best way to meet someone to date is to make friends, and then make the effort to meet the friends of your friends.

 

[firsttimeagain]

Not sure I’m the one to give you advice, but maybe someone that understands the struggles of the journey. My coming out to myself has been fairly recent mainly in the past year. However, I have always been gay I have just never acted on it. I can say it is hard to find the right avenue to find likeminded people. Especially if you are straight acting like me. No one knows I’m gay in my family or business life. I prefer it to remain that way. I have tried only a relationship app and a well known website for long term relationships. Or so they say. Hooking up is not going to be enough for me. I know relationships take time to develop and I am realistic knowing that I may make a few mistakes along the way looking for that deeper connection.

Long term is preferred, but I am much more open now to not worrying about that part and at least find someone that is likeminded to share with and let that develop as it will. I know that is kinda narrow and it makes it even more difficult looking for the right guy. But, at least I’m opening up on these couple apps/websites with pictures. That kinda makes me nervous, but how else do you look these days? At least I’m coming out enough to see if someone compatible is out there. A lot of the apps are total hook up horn dog apps. Not my style. I prefer to meet people in person, but how do you let people know you are gay and interested without advertising. Lol.

I’m not introverted at all. I’m just cautious and do not want the world to know my business. I know guys are out there that feel like I do. I just wish it were easier to let guys know without advertising it to the world.

I’m super confident in who I am and I know I will eventually find a guy on my journey that is interested. I’m not sure how to move any quicker, but I am making forward progress. Accepting myself and coming out to myself has been a huge step. The journey has only just begun. Good luck. I hope you find what you are looking for moving forward…
Click to expand...

I know where you’re coming from about the dating apps. I’ve tried using them, but the silence just made me feel worthless. I’m old-fashioned; I’d prefer meeting people in person, too, and being in a serious long-term relationship, but that sort of thing seems like it’s abhorred by the rest of the LGBT community; I’ve even made an account on a cruising app, something I would have been too scared to do ten or five years ago, but I feel like the closest I’ll ever be to being in the sort of relationship I’m looking for is to be somebody’s ten-minute mistake. Still too scared to use it outside of fiddling around with profile details.

It really is hard to be a private person and at the same time try to let the people you want to know about you to know. These days, it’s a bit more complicated than getting a piercing on your right ear. There has to be a secret.

It’s great you’re confident in who you are and you know what you want, and I certainly admire your optimism. Good luck to you, as well.

Hi Matty, Thanks for your response. I am confident, I know what I want and I am optimistic. However, I am far from where I want to be. The apps and websites seem too crazy to negotiate and who knows what is real or not. I too would much prefer meeting people in person. I meet a lot of people in my business, but it is business and that’s what it needs to be. Not interested in my personal life getting in my business life.

Yea I’m new to the app/website thing and would have never considered it years ago. So, though it seems it may not be the way to go, I still view it as progress. I have face pictures and my interest and intent on those profiles. I suppose that is coming out to at least the guys that frequent those. Of course I would not want that to be common knowledge to the world. I justified posting in a leap of faith and hoping that the guys that see it are in my situation. That was very hard for me to finally join and make those profiles. For the most part it has been seemingly a waste of time. But, I chatted with one guy that seemed legit in a city less than an hour from me. After some communication, we met for coffee and hung out for a couple of hours. Pretty cool guy, but he was looking for someone with experience because he has been out for years. I personally would have gotten together with him again, but he was not in to me. That’s cool too.

So, that was not fruitful, but, it was a step that I’ve never taken before. The only guy I’ve ever had conversation with that knows I was interested and openly admitting that I am gay. I was super nervous and he knew that. I think the next time I’m in a situation like that, I will be less nervous. So, it is progress.

Once again, thanks for you post and thanks for comments. Also, reading other responses to your post is helpful for me too. I think it is helpful to realize we are not alone in our journey. I think things are different for our situations, but there are some commonalities too…

I’m not really interested in being in big open communities, gay bars or pride events etc. just not my thing. It makes it a narrow path to find what I’m looking for, but I’m OK with that. I’m happy with myself and I don’t want to be with someone if it’s the wrong situation. It will happen when the timing is right.

 

[palm2013]

I am an introvert. I do not go to gay bars. Most people do not know that I am gay (unless I tell them). I cannot know who is gay who is not gay (to be friend with). I post my face picture & my body picture on Grindr. There are guys that have facial features & body that I like. There are guys that like me & message me several times but I refuse to meet because I truly not attracted to them.

There are guys that I have oral sex twice. It could lead to 3 times or more in the future.

 

[MattyMoonTonight]

Hi again Matty. I had to think about this one, and reply when I had time. Hope you're doing okay and you're sticking around.

It sounds like you're extremely shy (and that's perfectly fine, it's not a disorder), and along with being only out to yourself, figuring out your identity and where you fit in, you're tried to insert yourself into social situations that were not quite the right fit for you at this time. Settings like gay resorts and Twin Cities Pride are filled with outwardly confident people, often as couples or in groups, and it would be hard for you to feel like you fit in. They'd be challenging for a lot of young guys going as a single, without a partner or group of friends. The singles mixer maybe also seemed like it would be overwhelming for you, if you thought people would be full of confidence, pairing off, and you might feel like you'd be cast adrift. I totally get that.

So don't be hard on yourself for finding out that these were not your crowd or your right settings.

You say "Maybe I’m scared of discovering that what I want isn’t realistic". You might be linking the idea of intimacy and close personal relationships with the idea of a sort of raucous gay lifestyle, maybe influenced by the media when they televise Pride events or advertising that promotes gay resorts (along with the idealized gay couple that are living the dream for the photo). You don't have to put yourself into big loud spaces or live a stereotypical lifestyle to gay, in a real and authentic sense. What you want, you said yourself: you want friendships, intimate relationships, or even sexual encounters. Those things are realistic and they're achievable.

I know it's more difficult for you to connect with people because of your remote living, and it's hard to know a solution to that. Maybe try to connect online in the right spaces where you can form friendships with like minded guys around your age and in your region. See where it goes from there and how you might be able to meet people in person. One thing is certain, you don't have to go to resorts or Pride events (or gay bars, or other similar noisy social/pickup settings), and I would suggest that you shouldn't, those situations may continue to only make you feel more isolated.

What I'll say again is: what you want is realistic, and is achievable. Good luck.

Thank you. It’s true I’m very shy – I feel like I’ve gotten much better overcoming it over the past few years, but it still feels like there’s a wall between me and everyone else when I’m going out. I want to be the kind of person that’s confidently themselves around others, the magnetic kind of person that others would feel happy to be around, and I guess I’ve convinced myself that forcing myself into these situations would do the trick.

I’d hate to think that I’ve been suckered in by media depictions or social media representations of the ideal LGBTQ+ vision, but maybe I have. I know that there is no “one way to be gay” and that it’s just better to be oneself rather than turn into a cog to fit into a social machine, but you’re right. I must have put that ideal on the shelf just to fit into an artistic depiction of a lifestyle that might not really be true. I just don’t know where to go to find what I’m looking for.

Even online, it’s difficult to find groups that I’d be interested in, but I’m willing to try.

A few years ago, JUB had a large group of younger guys in their 20s who were not the type to go out to bars or places where gay guys socialized. Yet, they talked about friendships that they had online. They had found a place where they felt comfortable and they were using the apps (e.g. Grindr) or networked online games (e.g. "gaymers") to network, meet gay guys and in some cases, find guys to date. That was an example of LGBT people finding new and more modern ways of interacting and networking.

Having lived in a lot of places, I've discovered that there are gay communities everywhere, whether it's a large city or a rural area. The key is to find a way to meet them. And I often say that the best way to meet someone to date is to make friends, and then make the effort to meet the friends of your friends.

Thanks for that. I know it’s ideal to be searching for friendship/kinship first rather than constantly hunting for a relationship – it’s one of the first things I learned after joining Empty Closets. Strangely, it’s one of the things that’s so quick for me to forget.

I feel like I’m doing all of this too late in my life. I know that sounds stupid when there are people decades older than me doing the same thing, but I still can’t extricate myself from that thought.

I’m trying to find groups that are in line with my interests. I wish I learned how to properly do this networking thing when I was younger; it just feels like some alchemy to me. Hell, I had to get rid of all my social media accounts because the only “people” reacting to anything I’d post were bots.

Hi Matty, Thanks for your response. I am confident, I know what I want and I am optimistic. However, I am far from where I want to be. The apps and websites seem too crazy to negotiate and who knows what is real or not. I too would much prefer meeting people in person. I meet a lot of people in my business, but it is business and that’s what it needs to be. Not interested in my personal life getting in my business life.

Yea I’m new to the app/website thing and would have never considered it years ago. So, though it seems it may not be the way to go, I still view it as progress. I have face pictures and my interest and intent on those profiles. I suppose that is coming out to at least the guys that frequent those. Of course I would not want that to be common knowledge to the world. I justified posting in a leap of faith and hoping that the guys that see it are in my situation. That was very hard for me to finally join and make those profiles. For the most part it has been seemingly a waste of time. But, I chatted with one guy that seemed legit in a city less than an hour from me. After some communication, we met for coffee and hung out for a couple of hours. Pretty cool guy, but he was looking for someone with experience because he has been out for years. I personally would have gotten together with him again, but he was not in to me. That’s cool too.

So, that was not fruitful, but, it was a step that I’ve never taken before. The only guy I’ve ever had conversation with that knows I was interested and openly admitting that I am gay. I was super nervous and he knew that. I think the next time I’m in a situation like that, I will be less nervous. So, it is progress.

Once again, thanks for you post and thanks for comments. Also, reading other responses to your post is helpful for me too. I think it is helpful to realize we are not alone in our journey. I think things are different for our situations, but there are some commonalities too…

I’m not really interested in being in big open communities, gay bars or pride events etc. just not my thing. It makes it a narrow path to find what I’m looking for, but I’m OK with that. I’m happy with myself and I don’t want to be with someone if it’s the wrong situation. It will happen when the timing is right.

You’re absolutely right. Progress is progress, and by association, practice is practice. That was a huge step for you.

I’ve been thinking about getting back onto those apps, but I can’t stop myself from worrying about the maybes and what-ifs. What if there’s still more silence, what if it leads to a negative, humiliating interaction, and even what if it would lead to a positive interaction? At my current state in life, I don’t think I’m good boyfriend material, and I know people can sense that. I should probably work on me before I start looking for a serious, intimate relationship. I’ve been spending the past few years convincing myself that finally being with someone would make me feel whole. I know for a fact that that kind of shit can be dangerous for all parties involved, and I don’t know how I started believing it.

I hate that I’m basically playing a song that hundreds of thousands of people play every year, but I suppose I’m starting to listen to it.

I am an introvert. I do not go to gay bars. Most people do not know that I am gay (unless I tell them). I cannot know who is gay who is not gay (to be friend with). I post my face picture & my body picture on Grindr. There are guys that have facial features & body that I like. There are guys that like me & message me several times but I refuse to meet because I truly not attracted to them.

There are guys that I have oral sex twice. It could lead to 3 times or more in the future.

Yeah, it's hard to find people regardless of reason, for friendship or sex. I'm learning that LGBTQ people, the ones that don't put their sexuality as a primary personality trait, are very skilled at hiding themselves. And it's difficult to trust people anyway. I've never tried Grindr (a few news articles of criminals using it to lure victims put me off the idea for a long time).

 

[palm2013]

You can play it safe by meeting him in a public place for the first meet. Or you can arrange to meet him one block away from home. If you see what you like, you can bring him home. Everything can be fake until the first meet. He can use the pictures of someone else or he uses his pictures 10 years ago.

 

[BiBtm64]

That's right, or meet for a coffee. Just have a general chat and get to know each other. That's how I've eased some shy guys into things. If you both feel comfortable about meeting in private you can take the next step; if not, no pressure.

 

[KaraBulut]

I feel like I’m doing all of this too late in my life. I know that sounds stupid when there are people decades older than me doing the same thing, but I still can’t extricate myself from that thought.

I can't speak for everyone and I am from a different generation but the experience of my social group is that we spent most of our twenties making good choices for lots of sex but bad choices for long-term relationships. It wasn't until our late twenties that gay guys were mature enough and settled enough to consider something beyond casual relationships.

There were also a lot of guys who married young (to women), some even started families, but later came out and didn't start dating guys until later in life.

It is one of the terrible ironies of life: that we get better at relationships as we get older.

I’m trying to find groups that are in line with my interests. I wish I learned how to properly do this networking thing when I was younger; it just feels like some alchemy to me. Hell, I had to get rid of all my social media accounts because the only “people” reacting to anything I’d post were bots..

That is a common issue with gay guys, although it is changing. Most of our straight peers learned to meet people, date and have relationships in their teens. Gay guys tend to get started after they graduate from public school, after age 18.

 

[firsttimeagain]

You’re absolutely right. Progress is progress, and by association, practice is practice. That was a huge step for you.

I’ve been thinking about getting back onto those apps, but I can’t stop myself from worrying about the maybes and what-ifs. What if there’s still more silence, what if it leads to a negative, humiliating interaction, and even what if it would lead to a positive interaction? At my current state in life, I don’t think I’m good boyfriend material, and I know people can sense that. I should probably work on me before I start looking for a serious, intimate relationship. I’ve been spending the past few years convincing myself that finally being with someone would make me feel whole. I know for a fact that that kind of shit can be dangerous for all parties involved, and I don’t know how I started believing it.

I hate that I’m basically playing a song that hundreds of thousands of people play every year, but I suppose I’m starting to listen to it.




Yeah, it's hard to find people regardless of reason, for friendship or sex. I'm learning that LGBTQ people, the ones that don't put their sexuality as a primary personality trait, are very skilled at hiding themselves. And it's difficult to trust people anyway. I've never tried Grindr (a few news articles of criminals using it to lure victims put me off the idea for a long time).

I’m trying. I think you are correct that you need to be happy with yourself first and foremost then you can share with someone else. I don’t think a relationship can make you happy unless you are at peace with who you are and what you want.

It has taken me a long time. Longer than it should have maybe. Longer than I wish it would have. Trust me it has always been my true desire and I ran for too long. But, I am grateful that I have more wisdom and confidence than I ever would have when I was younger. So, I am happy with me. I am more mentally prepared for it now. I know it want be easy finding what I’m looking for. But, I feel really good about where I am in my journey. I’m crossing the bridges as I get to them instead of worrying about what ifs?

What if you do not that the leap of faith? You will never know. So, I’m still cautious of the crazies because I’m not interested in that. I’m interested in being with and sharing with a guy that is confident, stable and looking for the same.

Just hooking up is what some of those apps are. I need someone that has intent the same as me as far as developing a trusting relationship. Good luck. I think it is healthy to be here to talk about it with others that are in similar situations. Understanding that we are all at different places. and eventually we will find someone on our same wavelength that we click with…