Why is it starting to bother me now that I'm out?

[Hidden Shorts]

So I've known I was gay for years know. I screwed around with one guy, then another, 8 years ago. After that I went back to thinking I liked women, except then I liked women and men more, then I only liked women and men, then I liked just men, then I only liked just men, and so it became pretty obvious to me.
It never really bothered me. I've always held that there's nothing wrong with me for being gay, but rather there's something deeply wrong with a lot of other people that keeps them from accepting it, probably rooted in the demonstrated tendency of humans to cling to damn stupid ideas just because it's what they believed in the first place.
But I stayed in the closet. The first guy turned out to be gay, and skeevy, but I rebuffed his renewed advances by saying I was confused and/or asexual. Guy two turned out to be straight, and his family are republicans, so we never ever speak of it either.
My parents pried it out of my I think when I was in 7th grade. Since at the time I had no life, the few other people I told were my friends from gaming, who lived in other countries and had no idea who I really was. Then in HS I told one girl, then another, then another.
Of late, the number of people who know has been increasing exponentially--less close friends, my brother, an old teacher (who is awesome and changed my life) one of my friends' roomates, etc. Two days ago a girl I hardly knew disclosed that we were out on a date, and that she had already been telling her family I was her boyfriend. So I had to tell her, and then I had to let her cry on my shoulder for 2 hours. I've seen her in class maybe 4 times, and that was the first time I'd hung out with her outside of classes. She said she won't tell anyone other than her parents, though I don't think they need to know either, which I told her, but I don't trust her to keep quiet. Plus my best friend told someone without my permission. Truthfully the circumstances were silly since just about everyone else in the room at the time knew, and I can't actually get mad at her because I love her more than anyone else in the world.

The problem is that first, the more people I come out to (or am outed to, as the case may be) the more I find myself wanting to take back more and more confessions. I still resent my parents for the way it happened--mom stood in the doorway and said I couldn't leave until I told her what was wrong. They are pretty supportive, certainly not homophobic at all, but a little discouraging because mom realistically points out that there's a whole extra set of problems associated with being a gay guy. Plus I've become rather flamboyant, which I don't like at all, and I've become very emotional, which I also don't like.

But the more I wish I was less out, the more I also start to resent the fact that I'm gay. And I don't get why. I do view it as stemming from a biological malfunction, but I also don't view that as being a bad thing. I'm a soulless bastard so I don't think reproduction matters, and I think love is love, and everyone can cheat regardless of how they mix genitals in bed. In some ways I think we're better than everyone else (though I know that can't be true) yet I feel unsafe, like I can't have a relationship, and like it's not so good that I'm gay.

Why?

 

[Eagle653]

You have a lot swirling around in your head right now, and I'm afraid you might be playing mind-games with yourself. The only sure-fire way to untangle all of these feelings is to explore them with a professional--preferably a therapist that deals with gay and coming-out issues.

No one can diagnose, let alone treat, from afar. I would guess, though, that *part* of your issues probably stem from an internalized homophobia. One clue to that is your statement "I did view it [your homosexuality] as stemming from a biological malfunction." I also suspect that your trauma of being outed by your mother at an early age, and then a luke-warm reception, may be a clue in there too.

The "biological malfunction" theories went out the window in the early 1970's. They were largely rooted in homophobic viewpoints prevalent in medicine and psychology in the late 19th and early 20th centuries. Those professions finally got them off the books in the 70's. Yet, they persist among many quarters, sadly and some gays even come to that conclusion themselves, depending on how much they hate (consciously or unconscioulsy) being gay.

You're far from crazy; in fact, you're very reflective. You're at the stage when you want to get a handle on your thoughts and feelings and sort this out so that you can move on. I think that's great, and a good therapist will guide you through it. I really encourage you to do that, because you're going to have a hard time moving on and really feel good about yourself until you do. Good luck!

 

[bearfan]

What? Hasn't the biological malfunction theory pretty much been proved? Your whole sexuality is just a product of your hormonal environment in the womb.

Here's a different take on the 'gay gene' - maybe there's a gene that makes women more likely to have screwy wombs, thus more likely to give birth to gay babies? It probably won't even be long until science discovers a 'cure' for homosexuality.

 

[Hidden Shorts]

Regardless of the etiology of being gay, the majority of genetic, prenatal, and psychological influences make people straight. This makes it an aberration. I don't think that's bad, though, as 20/13 vision and left-handedness are similarly aberrant, and one is good, and the other is just a difference. I tend to despise humans in general, so I really and truly don't think that I'm failing at something by being gay.

As for my mom, she did state that she loved me no matter what, and when I expressed concern at being a flamer at one of her work parties, she misunderstood my point, and told me that if there was anyone who had a problem with me being gay, she and dad didn't want anything to do with them. Very sweet.

And then there's therapy. I don't know. I'm in therapy and he seems to be a bit of a cad. I'm making just enough progress to give it a few more sessions, but I may have to find a specialist as you say. Wherever those are.

 

[KaraBulut]

There's a lot of mixed messages in your post- on one hand, you say you don't believe that being gay is wrong yet there's a lot of hesitance in your post.

It seems that being out is something that you're making things into an "announcement" instead of just living honestly and matter-of-factly.

Therapists should be like employees. If you're not happy with your therapist, fire him and hire another.

 

[spencer]

The average number of therapists people meet before they reach the one that is right for them is like 7. Time to change therapists.

Perhaps you should concentrate one something more important like school and hobbies.

You're out so there is no reals sense for people to have permission to tell other people, right? If that girl knew beforehand, she wouldn't have cried after going out with you either.

 

[Halifaxboy8]

"..I find myself wanting to take back more and more confessions."
"..I also start to resent the fact that I'm gay. And I don't get why. I do view it as stemming from a biological malfunction.."
".. I'm a soulless bastard.."
"..In some ways I think we're better than everyone else (though I know that can't be true) yet I feel unsafe, like I can't have a relationship, and like it's not so good that I'm gay.Why?

Although our society is improving, gay people still carry the [ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tFxk7glmMbo"]burden of a lot of disapproval[/ame]. Don't buy into it.

Listen to the positive voices. You are a person, you are YOU, and you matter.