Wish it didnt happen

[irudesan]

I just want to share something today.

Long story short. I am 26. My last relationship was like 2 years ago. I am comfortably alone right now. Have this friend that i know 8 years ago, that confessed he liked me like 2 years ago, but since i really dont like him, i just told him that no, and we kind of forgot that. For reasons of work, i ended up living with him, we now have 8 months living together, we have to live together for one year. (actually im living with 8 people, but its a house with 8 rooms, everyone has an individual room). Things are that he is bi, and dates lots of girls, and i am gay, in the closet, and havent dated in... well, 2 years...

Ok so the thing is... we ended up having sex yesterday. Now im really a bit angry and confused, i just dont like him, not even physically, nor his personality (to be a "partner", i like him as a friend), he is totally not my type. But i mean, i had like one year with no other sex than my hand, i dont know what happened to me. First he told me to go to his room to watch some tv. After that he was just lying in his bed, then told me that if i could stay in his room until he fell asleep. I said ok, although i found it very childlish. Then he asked if i could lay next to him and hug him to help him sleep. Then i did, and we stayed like that for maybe 20 minutes, hell I was falling asleep. Then, he started to hug me too, he started to touch me in my back, i began to arouse, one thing led to another and bam we were having sex. In the moment i was just really horny, because, i mean, i m made of flesh dont know, and really i have a long time without anyone touching me, couldn t think properly at the time. But after that i just got out of his room and didnt say a thing. I feel angry at myself and at him. And in some occasions i tried to stop him because i had some decency left, but he told me no, that i couldnt left him like that and grabbed my arm strongly. And for a moment i got scared of thinking he could beat me or something (he is taller and stronger than me). Im not denying i enjoyed some of it, but i didnt even cum in the end (i was the bottom) and i wasnt comfortable. He just came and got to sleep. I went to the bathroom and just tried to get his smell out of me.

Today i have ignored him all day, and really dont want to talk to him anymore. He tried to treat me like if nothing has happened, but obviously he knows that i am angry.The thing that pisses me off is that he told me many times that he doesnt feel anything for me anymore, then i treated him like friends and in the end it was all a lie. He was just trying to get into my pants. I feel betrayed and abused.

I feel dirty, angry and stupid for what happened. specially at me.



Just wanted to vent it out.

 

[Sigma-taylor-E]

..I don't know if you got raped...or what..The ending makes it seem as if...

 

[Halifaxboy8]

There are a couple of things happening here:

1) You stated throughout your post that you haven't had physical contact with another person in 2 years. In that, you made it clear that you acted on impulse, out of desire and need of contact. You were horny, he was there, you reacted, you both had sex.

2) Your anger isn't necessarily directed at him. Its more at yourself for acting on impulse out of the sheer need for human contact, rather than thinking through and not laying down with him to begin with, or getting up and leaving when "watching TV" became more. In a house with 8 people, making a noise and saying "NO!", would have ended anything that could have been a threat.

So. He was a jerk for treating you like it was nothing the next day. You said he grabbed you. That was wrong also. Two strikes against him. Absolute cause to be pissed at your friend and room mate.

However, I think you are not accepting what made you enter that situation in the first place, and also let it continue to the point of having sex. Your anger towards him is justified for some things, but you should look at the other side of the source of that anger which is aimed at your poor decision. Owning up to stuff isn't always pleasant, but we're being honest here, right?

I don't know what your living condition is at this point, and I hope you will fill us in so we can give more comments.

 

[TX-Beau]

Everybody pretty much at some point or another has slept with someone they regretted. The reasons are myriad, the regret is the same.

You're kinda shifting the blame onto him, but unless you were tied to the bed, you still decided to stay.

Is he a tool, sure, but then you didn't run screaming from the room, and from a situation where frankly it was patently obvious where he was headed.

So, you got horny and had some regrettable sex. Learn, live, move on.

This is only as big as you make it. Oh and don't go into his room again, go out and find some guy you're actually attracted to the next time you can't ignore your boner.

 

[Seasoned]

I'm sorry this happened to you and for the feelings that it's left you with. The way back to feeling good about yourself is to forgive yourself and to file the memory so that it's not ever-present, but available to you when your horny. You don't want to fall into the trap of repetitive behavior because you are needy.

If you engaged in activity that could gave led to an STD get tested at the appropriate interval.

The best mistakes we make are the ones we learn from.

Good luck to you.

 

[MoltenRock III]

Why are you beating yourself up? So, you had sex. BFD. Why would you feel "weak" for having sex after going 2 years without? I think this has far more to do with you, and your internal issues than any perceived anger at him.

Additionally, you mentioned you're closeted yet he told you he liked you. Is/was he under the assumption you're "str8"? And if I may be so intrusive as to ask, why at age 26 when you are living out on your own are you still in the closet? I must be missing something.

 

[irudesan]

Hello, well now i feel a bit better about all what happened, but still dont want to treat him in the same way we were before. We havent really talked about it yet, and i dont know if i really want to. I just want to move on. I dont know if its healthy but i just want to be alone right now, focusing on my job and entertaining myself with simple things.

The thing is that we are living together because of the work, explaining a bit more, we are doctors, doing our internships, that is a 2 years period that is mandatory just after we graduate, we have to work for government health institutions, and in my country you have to do one of those years in the city and one on an area that is "rural" or with "difficult access" with primary indigenous population. We are doing the last year. The health institution has to give us a house to live in that year we have to be here. We get paid and everything but i still dont have a place of my own, when this year finishes (in 3 months) i will have to return to my father´s house until i got a stable job at some hospital or clinic. Im still in the closet because i am really terrified of the thought of my father knowing it. But that is a whole other issue.

My friend knows im gay because i told him like 2 years ago, just for the sake of the friendship, to be honest with him, as i thought he was straight, and that i was lying to him and all that. Then after that he told me how he is bi and everything and that he liked me and so on...

And i haven t had sex with anyone because 1. The chances i meet someone here in this little town are like zero, i have seen some pretty decent guys walking in town but they are mostly natives and i assume are all straight. (yes, i didnt knew i was attracted to natives until i got here hehehe) 2. This is a little town and i dont want to be gossip material. 3. Im really focusing on my things not really want to deal with a relationship right now.

I really just want kind of "my space" right now, im ignoring him but also feel a little bad for it, because after all we know each other for 8 years, since we entered college and gradually became friends. He doesnt and never have caught my attention sexually, thats part of the reason i was angry with myself because i felt like i acted like an animal. I always thought i was rational and stuff but he just had to touch me and i began to arouse and well... (And Seasoned, yes, the sex was safe)

Thanks for the replies guys, there is something relieving in the feeling that i can be listened by peers, even if i dont know you personally or that you are in other countries. (Nearly all my friends are straight and dont really feel comfortable telling them some things)

 

[elGeniuoso1721]

He doesnt and never have caught my attention sexually, thats part of the reason i was angry with myself because i felt like i acted like an animal. I always thought i was rational and stuff but he just had to touch me and i began to arouse and well...

It's all good dude. I think you forget that even though humans are highly intelligent, logical, rational creatures......we are just that, creatures! We are animals just like monkeys and dogs and fish, with INSTINCT. Three things that we as animals need: food, sleep, sex. Sometimes our primal instincts get the best of us and overpower our rationality, just as our emotions do.

Sex is healthy. It relieves stress, gets the blood flowing, and it's completely natural.

All I'm trying to say is...don't be so hard on yourself!

 

[BiMike]

I agree with the above comment. You both got carried away in the heat of the moment and wanted the same natural thing! Try to forget it and resume your normal friendship with the other guy. Dont try to raise the subject again with him it will only make things more difficult betwen you two guys.
The fact that you are not 'out' and want it to stay that way for the present does create its own problems. Best of luck with your studies over the next few months!

 

[texan_slant]

Unfortunately, we all do things that we regret, and that makes us human.

All that we can do is learn from it, and at least you got it out of your system, and the sexual tension has disappeared - even if you never really wanted it - it's still tension even on his part.

Luckily, you only have four months left of living together, and at least now you really will have known that you definitely don't want him.