Wondering about my sexuality.

[Noumenon]

Hello and good afternoon, JUB. I would like to ask a very pressing question for an even more pressing interpersonal matter: am I gay? I can't quite understand my own sexuality, as it comes and goes through various forms and intensities. That is, for nearly a week I'll be completely asexual, and then be intensely heterosexual for a week, and, most recently, homosexual. I think maybe a brief overview on my own sexuality is required for this situation.

My first sexual experience was clearly heterosexual: me becoming aroused by some random pornstar in some random soft-core Cinemax scene. I soon found myself being attracted to both males and females, however---males more IRL, females more in pornography---though my attraction to both spans both realms. What confuses me the most is the lack of bisexuality in both the queer and not-so-queer communities; it prompts me to question whether bisexuality exists---and, therefore, whether I'm in denial of some sort about some aspect of my sexuality, with a sort-of-latent homosexuality being the prime suspect. This is a problem that's been buggering me for quite some time now and needs to be resolved, so now I'm trying to take steps to resolve it. Does anyone have any words that might assist me? Any idea of who I might be(not a question that one is supposed to ask others, I know)?

 

[JackFTwist]

The last ten times you beat off - who did you get off to? That is your answer.

 

[playboy2001]

Why the rush to resolve?

I identify myself as gay. I've been with women sexually and romantically, and would probably have a more successful relationship with the opposite sex, but I feel more emotionally attracted to men which takes the sexually and personal attraction up a level, which is not the case when I'm with a women.

I do know what you mean about there being an absence of bisexuality, however. I never see a person who claims themselves as bi as being able to be in a commited realtionship with a man or a woman. It's usually a guy who dates women but will have it off with a guy for sex and nothing more.

I guess they're just labels, huh? Now I'm confused...

 

[chicken1065]

Since you asked the question you're not supposed to ask, I'll answer the question I'm not supposed to answer by giving you a couple of my experiences.

Before I came out, I struggled to be straight. I was in fact in denial and hoped by being in hetero relationships I would grow a fondness for it. My first sexual thoughts were hetero, nearly all the millions that followed are homo. I wanted to be hetro because it's obviously mainstream.

My last boyfriend claimed to be bisexual. His last relationship was hetero. He however had more homo partners. I personally still struggle with his postition as it isn't one I was ever in. I was bi because I didn't want to be gay, simply put.

In the conversations I've had with others about bisexuality, there always seems to be a theme: Bi doesn't exist, Bi does exist however whatever gender you are currently having sex with is what you are, and if you are interested in both sexes you can't be bi because gay overrides bi any day. I honestly don't know which is most accurate, if any.

So a couple questions back to you:
Are you really in denial? What would happen and how would you feel if you turned out to be gay?
More importantly, why the need to have this resolved? Based on your post, it appears you need an answer by the end of the week or something.

I'm sure it looks like I'm agreeing with your thoughts that you need to be one or the other. On the contrary. What is more important is not what others think about how you describe your yourself, but how you feel about it.

 

[Noumenon]

JackFTWist:

"The last ten times you beat off - who did you get off to? That is your answer."

Both. I guess that confirms my bisexuality?

Chicken:

"Are you really in denial?"

I think I might be? I'm not entirely sure. I think it's not denial, per se, but rather a sharp longing to be heterosexual.

"What would happen and how would you feel if you turned out to be gay?"

I'd be pissed, initially, feeling as though a vast world of experiences has closed itself out to be and that I've been relegated to a special little niche designed for "people like me." All-in-all, I would feel as though my experiences would be less authentic and a bit constructed. I know that these feelings are most likely in error, but I can't help but have them.

"More importantly, why the need to have this resolved? Based on your post, it appears you need an answer by the end of the week or something."

It's really like an internal thing, where I see the implications of being gay as massive and I need to discover which side of the proverbial fence I truly fall on. There's a certain sense of panic that something might go wrong if I don't find out soon enough.

I guess I also want to move on with my life and enter a phase where I can start dating whomever I want and feel as though I'm being true to myself---which I can't, at the moment, by dating either gender. This issue must be resolved first.

 

[Evsann]

Well as long as you are clear and honest with your partner I would suggest that you throw yourself out there and pursue whoever you want. Evaluate your feelings during those experiences and let the proof be in the pudding.


Much more effective than constant thought. I also think that you are putting too much validarity into labels. If it were not for people trying to enforce their idea of "normal" on everyone, you would not be asking yourself this question. People would people and you would pursue whoever(whom?) you liked.


Bottom line, do not allow intangibles to make this a much bigger issue than it is.

 

[JackFTwist]

JackFTWist:

"The last ten times you beat off - who did you get off to? That is your answer."

Both. I guess that confirms my bisexuality?

That would point to it if we are talking 5-5, 6-4, or 7-3. A little mor ify than if 8-2 or 9-1.

But the what to you get off to when you beat off test is as reliable a test as there is, since the imagination is yours and you go to gets you off.

I am a 10-0 guy by the way, as gay as it comes.

 

[Noumenon]

"Bottom line, do not allow intangibles to make this a much bigger issue than it is."

Yeah, see I KNOW this, it's just that I have a compulsion to do so. Guess that's just a problem I'm going to have to work on.

And, Jack, I would probably say(though I can't EXACTLY recall) that I've masturbated to heterosexual pornography a little more often than homosexual pornography in my past ten "personal sessions." Gay porn can get to the point where I look at it and I just go "ugh," like you do when you see a plate of heavy food on a full stomach.

 

[NongreasySweatproof]

Hello and good afternoon, JUB. I would like to ask a very pressing question for an even more pressing interpersonal matter: am I gay? I can't quite understand my own sexuality, as it comes and goes through various forms and intensities. That is, for nearly a week I'll be completely asexual, and then be intensely heterosexual for a week, and, most recently, homosexual. I think maybe a brief overview on my own sexuality is required for this situation.

My first sexual experience was clearly heterosexual: me becoming aroused by some random pornstar in some random soft-core Cinemax scene. I soon found myself being attracted to both males and females, however---males more IRL, females more in pornography---though my attraction to both spans both realms. What confuses me the most is the lack of bisexuality in both the queer and not-so-queer communities; it prompts me to question whether bisexuality exists---and, therefore, whether I'm in denial of some sort about some aspect of my sexuality, with a sort-of-latent homosexuality being the prime suspect. This is a problem that's been buggering me for quite some time now and needs to be resolved, so now I'm trying to take steps to resolve it. Does anyone have any words that might assist me? Any idea of who I might be(not a question that one is supposed to ask others, I know)?

Noumenon, I feel exactly the way you've described. My sexual urges alternate over time, and often weeks--no months--go by during which they're not even an issue for me, because I feel so completely heterosexual that my sexuality doesn't even cross my mind. At other times, I am forced to wonder, when I'm feeling either no sexual urges or am having homosexual urges. This doesn't even touch the issue of emotional vs. physical vs. sexual attraction, which for me don't always coincide in the same sex. Even within the category of physical attraction, I can't figure myself out. I can appreciate the male body (in an "artistic") sort of way, but I don't have a strong desire to take possession of or to be in close physical contact with another man's body. By contrast, a beautiful female body is always a huge turnon. Yet, I am attracted to good-looking guys' faces--way more than the average guy is, I'm sure--and there's something deep and in-my-gut--maybe even emotional--about that attraction (i.e., it's not just the "artistic" appreciation). I feel the same way about a beatiful female face, but there's a smaller percentage of female faces that do this to me (though, I'm not sure whether this has anything to do with the fact that I'm in an engineering/military sort of environment).

I also sometimes obsess about figuring out my sexuality. I know it's pointless to worry about these things in the abstract. It all boils down to who you want to be with, in concrete terms. I've only ever been in relationships with girls, and during these relationships, I don't ever feel tempted to stray to the other sex. I've also dated guys, though I've never been in a relationship with one. Whether it's because I just can't feel that way about another man, or whether it's because I've been closedminded and rejected same-sex relationships out of fear of being gay, this is how it is. But, especially when you're single, these nagging thoughts and obsessions have a way of becoming a subconscious part of your life.

I think part of my anxiety comes from the fact that when I first started having sex (with girls), I sometimes had trouble "getting it up." This problem has since disappeared, but I think that these incidents have never completely left my mind, and I'm always sort of questioning my sexuality as a result of these memories. I wish I could be more articulate and organized in my thoughts, but I have a ton of other things on my mind right now, and am not really in the correct state of mind to give you an adequate response. Gotta get some sleep. . .

 

[spreadeagle]

The fact that you're doing all these behaviours now indicates that you'll be doing them for the rest of your life. Why would you want to modify your behaviour to adapt to what will make others comfortable? If you give yourself a label or pigeonhole then all that will happen is that you'll feel quilty and find yourself in compromising situations every time you indulge in the 'abberant' behaviour.

If you want to know where your predominant sexual attraction lies then don't watch any porn and don't masturbate for a month.

 

[tallguy297]

G'day Noumenon,

Any idea of who I might be(not a question that one is supposed to ask others, I know)?

You are you. And thats the most important thing here mate. And youre allowed to change and wonder about yourself. Youre allowed to be turned on by both sexes. Youre allowed to take your time and find true happiness.

Theres always a little part of you that wants to hang on to being str8 when you realise youre gay...usually its because of what you describe...the world of doors and experiences that you THINK close when you make that decision. So often we hang on to that feeling for fear of those lost opportunities and as a result we dont make the clean break that allows us to move on in our lives.

Being gay doesnt preclude you from love, or romance or happiness. It doesnt preclude you from any of the things that being hetero provides in the sense of a relationship or being able to satisfy your desires. Nor does being gay put you in a niche group...unless you want it to...

The thing to remember mate is that you are still you. Your morals and values, your talents and compassion. None of that changes. Whether you are gay or not you are still the same bright vibrant guy that you are now.

Take your time with this. Chances are that the question will only be truly answered when you let yourself be comfortable with any possibility without worrying about the supposed consequences...and when you find a partner who completes you. Someone that you can reveal you true self to. Someone who values your honesty and trust.

And it wont matter who they are...as long as you are truly happy...