Worst Way To Come Out Ever...

[TK2129]

Okay maybe not the worst but I've been dating this guy for almost four months and it's pretty serious, like we've said I love you and everything. He makes me happier than I've ever been. Life is pretty great. I'm 27 btw.

So my boyfriend and I were both bored today and he sent me some nudes and asked if I could send too, so he could jerk to it. I did...

Or so I thought. Apparently, because I talked to him on iMessage when I went into my phone, full expecting my page to be on his, I ended up sending pics of my dick to my mom....

YUP horrifying. Like, heart dropping, stomach turning horrifying. And embarrassing. And kind of funny. But also terrible. But amusing. But awful. Just a mix of emotions.

Anyway, I'm living at home atm so she came home and we were having dinner and she wanted to talk about me sending her said pics...At first I lied and said it was some girl on tindr I sent them too. She nagged me about them than said, "I honestly thought you had sent them to Mike(my boyfriend, who she thought was just a friend). I'm glad they weren't."

And that triggered something in me. When I asked why and she was like, "Oh because he's over and it just came to my mind." and I said, "Why are you glad" and she said, "No one would want that for their kid."

And that triggered something in me. And she must have noticed because it became this back and forth when she was asking if I liked men...and finally, I kind of just admitted it.

She cried, began saying "why me? Why my life" and I went upstairs to go onto a meeting for work.

I got out and we had a talk and the first thing she said was, "How do you know that you don't like girls. You've never been in a relationship. You might like girls"...Cowardly, I decided to give her the crumb and say I'm bi(I mean I'm more like 80/20) and that made her feel better, I think but I told her that I'm really happy with my boyfriend, that I'm just happy. And she just kept countering, "You'd be happy with a girl. You should try."

I asked her to not put her eggs in this "bi" basket and to just accept this is what's going on, that in a year or two, I didn't want to disappoint her when I was still with a guy.

She asked if I wanted to to therapy...

I mean, she came around and was more accepting. Said she loved me. Still cried a lot. Keeps saying, "You don't seem gay"....

I was even feeling.And when I thought things were good she goes to me, "Do you think dad and are to blame for what you're going through? Did we do something?"

It made me feel AWFUL. Like as if I was diseased. I know some parents kick their kids out of the house or don't talk to them or love them so my complaints are small and petty but there was something hurtful about that..

So yeah, I'm not sure what to do....I feel she'll never accept this as what it is.

 

[Seasoned]

She will. I don't know why it can be so seemingly devastating to parents other than it's a homophobic reaction and guilt, thinking that people "turn" gay and they made parenting mistakes.

The thing to remember is not to make her issues your issues. Since the 1970s homosexuality has been a frequent topic on TV talk shows. Anyone not informed doesn't want to be. She may now have further motivation and you could ask if she'd like help gathering information. Otherwise, let thinks sit for a while unless she brings something up. If what she brings up is one argument after another you'll have to set limits.

The fear of this type of reaction is what keeps people in the closet or worse. At some point, hopefully, you'll be able to ask for what you need and she'll provide it. In the meantime apologize for sending the pics by mistake. Let her know you would have preferred to come out to her by words rather than pictures. Best wishes.

 

[aaggii]

When she tells you you could be happy with a girl, tell her she could be happy with a son in law. That might shut her up a bit.

 

[sixthson]

To me, she said nothing that was shocking or offensive. She spoke words and fears that many, many parents have spoken before they come to accept reality. She loves you and that is what is important and she will be okay in time, I'm willing to bet.

I come from a very homophobic family where all of my siblings and most of my cousins have never been willing to accept my love for my husband. The best I ever get from them is civility and that does not always happen. My mother was a terrible mother when we were growing up, but by the time I was in love she had mellowed and had no small children left at home, so the pressure of being a mother was not so heavy on her. While she could understand that guys could be sexual with other guys, she could not understand how two guys could love each other like a man and woman can. It was out of realm of her understanding. But she loved my guy because he is loveable. He showed love and respect to her and she accepted it. It never stopped her from asking if I was dating any girls, however. Some relative was talking to her once about how terrible it was that I was gay and asked her if she thought my bf "turned me gay" because I never acted that way. Apparently, my mother responded that she didn't know if that was the case but always thought it was something parents did wrong that made their child gay. Knowing my mother, I'm sure she blamed my father.
None of that changed the fact that she treated my guy like part of her family. She included him in everything. To this day, I will still get some invitation to family weddings addressed only to me, excluding not only my husband but our children. I used to open them, I no longer do. They are marked returned to sender because they have all been told before that is what I would do.
Fortunately, the next generation, my nephews and nieces, love me and view me as the mystery uncle because they never got to know me that well and they heard how bad I was from their parents.

Be strong, it sounds like your Mom will come around. Love her and help her to understand. The better she knows your bf, the easier it will be for her. Is your Dad in the picture?

Just out of curiosity, when she saw your pictures, did she say "I'm glad you aren't hung like your Dad"?

 

[Harke the Boeotarch]

This is why you should have moved out ages ago.

 

[Eagle653]

I suspect your mother will come around. Insofar as you are still living at home, this affords you the opportunity to keep the conversation going. Let her talk her feelings out, and answer questions honestly (not necessarily what you think she wants to hear). By "her feelings," I mean what bothers her most about this? That you're going to embarrass the family? Not provide her with grandchildren? Get a disease? That you are somehow "flawed" and made a "bad choice?" That she, or she and your dad, are to "blame?" All of these negative feelings could be floating around, and crowding out the possibility for positive feelings. Positive feelings are that you have grown to the point of being honest about who you are; that you have the capacity to love; that when you find someone to love, you will share him with her as a fine son-in-law (she'll have two sons); and that you want to be happy.

All of this takes time and more than one conversation. She's on quite a learning curve, and you've known about this and wrestled with your feelings a lot longer. Being positive and update and happy with yourself will go a long way.

Good luck to you; let us know how it's going.

 

[KaraBulut]

There's two lessons to be learned here:

1. Don't send dick pics to anyone. If your boyfriend wants to see it, he should come over for a quickie.
2. The other lesson is that parents aren't always the grownups. Your mother is operating in a world where being gay is a bad thing. She needs to learn a little more about gay people- enough to at least realize that gay people are just regular people. She just needs time, education and an open mind. And to recover from the shock of seeing pictures of your dick.

 

[Ganoderma]

hi TK2129,

I feel very sorry that you came out to your mother by making such a terrible mistake.

It seems to me that she is not yet used that some people around her happen to be gay and I tend to think that you must give her some time and space to get used to the fact that she has a gay son. I tend to interprete her first response that she will accept you.

I have also noted that you feel right now happy and great because you are dating a nice guy. I tend to think it is great that your family is right now aware that you are gay, as this implies that you don't need to hide anymore to them the kind of relationship you have with Mike (the guy in question).

So please continue with being happy and relaxed and don't bother too much about the past.

Good luck and best wishes.