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Would You Date/Committ to/Marry Someone Out Of Pity??

9

9Times

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Or, if not pity, a fear of karma?

I am at a conflicting stance with this man:

He is 20 years my senior (26-47). Why I mention this is b/c I have a history of dating/befriending/fuck buddy "ing" men 20 years older. While it's never been an issue I ran from (I've always attracted/been attracted to older men), now I feel that I rob myself from knowing other gay men in my peer range (20s-30s).

He clearly lets me know how much he loves me...EVERYTIME HE SEES ME! Don't get me wrong-he is a nice guy to have as a friend. Very attentive to my stories and always willing to offer advise. On the other hand, his "love" I tell him is imagination. I made it clear to him that I have no feelings for him except for sex (that's another thing I will get to later). I don't like him popping by my job to see me or CALLING my job to let everyone know who he is and I told him many times. But, why do I keep communication lines open at all??

I guess when two people are alone with no one else to have- we just gravitate to each other during the "hard times":p He even accepts me calling him just for sex (which honestly, I think his age is catching up to him in the erection dept.)
I tried to cut it off a couple of times before, even to the level of hooking him up with someone else!

But, I find myself going right back to his bed. Are my feelings deeper than I am letting on:confused: I call myself dumb all the time for sticking around for him. I say how I don't want to be tied down or involved with him on a serious level, so why do I keep answering my phone:confused::confused::confused:
 
Can't answer that. Let me know when YOU are 47. Things change..... I'd give anything to be in my 20's again. That time goes by way too fast, and you attitudes change a LOT when you get older. Suddenly you can't have whomever you want anymore, even though INSIDE you still feel young.

But I think it's pretty normal what you are saying. When we are young, we want to be free. When we hit a certain age, we suddenly realize what we lost. We often want to re-live our youth. Unfortunately the "youth" sees us as "old" now.

Take that little insight and do what you will. Maybe it'll give some perspective to help you decide. Though it does sound like he is a little too "clingy".

Hell, I'd love to have a 26yo FB, but I most certainly need MY space.

Maybe you 2 need a serious talk to establish some boundaries.

And... would it be different if a 26yo guy called your work, etc all the time?
People are who they are, regardless of age.
 
Audio Tech said:
Can't answer that. Let me know when YOU are 47. Things change..... I'd give anything to be in my 20's again. That time goes by way too fast, and you attitudes change a LOT when you get older. Suddenly you can't have whomever you want anymore, even though INSIDE you still feel young.

But I think it's pretty normal what you are saying. When we are young, we want to be free. When we hit a certain age, we suddenly realize what we lost. We often want to re-live our youth. Unfortunately the "youth" sees us as "old" now.

Take that little insight and do what you will. Maybe it'll give some perspective to help you decide. Though it does sound like he is a little too "clingy".

Hell, I'd love to have a 26yo FB, but I most certainly need MY space.

Maybe you 2 need a serious talk to establish some boundaries.

And... would it be different if a 26yo guy called your work, etc all the time?
People are who they are, regardless of age.
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Well, let me restate my position here. I'm afraid to miss out on the affection I've yearned for all this time from a guy--the only thing is, the guy showing me this affection I honestly don't care for. Again, he has a great heart and is a very nice guy---I just wish he's a great guy for someone else.

I wouldn't want the same thing to happen to me: let's say there's a guy I was feeling and wanted to shower him with attention, and all I get in return is ignored phone calls? We talked about our thoughts/feelings before. I said many times that I regret having sex with him the first night, since now I have him in the "hit-it-and-quit-it" file. He even accepts the idea of me wanting only sex from him; he says only to have a friend to talk to is good enough.

Not sure of any astrology buffs here, but my moon/Venus sign in Cancer makes me a big softie, so I can't resist in keeping a lonely guy company.

OK-here are the bad points that drives me further away. He arrogantly throws his ex-boyfriend in my face saying, "if you won't love me, I know he will"; or shows up to my job expecting to get free stuff all the time just because I fucked him a few times:mad: (someone told me he came a waited for 2 hrs to see if I was there!) And a lot of his "love" I think is a front for something else....I just wish I didn't feel that karma will bite me in the butt for cutting him loose.

But if I don't feel the love/affection there, why DO I stick around???

PS: I have a fuckbuddy for 7 yrs (he is 48) and stays hard as a brick so I know the age is irrelevant ..|
 
To the root of your question, my answer would be no.

If I'm in a relationship, it's because I want to be there, not because I feel like I owe it to the person to be there.

Relationships don't always work, they don't always flourish beyond the physical, but when they do, it's a great thing.

If you don't have that with the man you're with now, then to take it any further would be a very bad idea. It's going to do nothing but harm to you, and him, in the coming years and both of you are going to be regretting the decision when the relationship collapses in on itself.

If you know there's nothing more to what you have, you owe it to both of you to call what you do have off, so that you can both move on and find someone you can be with out of deeper feelings, not pity.
 
Cut him loose.

If he's turning up at work and wants free stuff, he's using you.

A pity fuck is one thing.

A pity relationship is just pitiful.
 
9Times said:
Well, let me restate my position here. I'm afraid to miss out on the affection I've yearned for all this time from a guy--the only thing is, the guy showing me this affection I honestly don't care for. Again, he has a great heart and is a very nice guy---I just wish he's a great guy for someone else.

I wouldn't want the same thing to happen to me: let's say there's a guy I was feeling and wanted to shower him with attention, and all I get in return is ignored phone calls? We talked about our thoughts/feelings before. I said many times that I regret having sex with him the first night, since now I have him in the "hit-it-and-quit-it" file. He even accepts the idea of me wanting only sex from him; he says only to have a friend to talk to is good enough.

Not sure of any astrology buffs here, but my moon/Venus sign in Cancer makes me a big softie, so I can't resist in keeping a lonely guy company.

OK-here are the bad points that drives me further away. He arrogantly throws his ex-boyfriend in my face saying, "if you won't love me, I know he will"; or shows up to my job expecting to get free stuff all the time just because I fucked him a few times:mad: (someone told me he came a waited for 2 hrs to see if I was there!) And a lot of his "love" I think is a front for something else....I just wish I didn't feel that karma will bite me in the butt for cutting him loose.

But if I don't feel the love/affection there, why DO I stick around???

PS: I have a fuckbuddy for 7 yrs (he is 48) and stays hard as a brick so I know the age is irrelevant ..|
Click to expand...


Yeah... some of the other points you made... I have to agree. It's better to move on.
 
G-Lexington said:
DTMFA.

And don't let the fucking planets make your decisions for you. :)

Lex
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DTMFA???? Sorry, I'm behind in my acronym logbook.

Yeah, the horoscope thing is a quiet hobby of mine I do to stay out of trouble;)

My family (mom esp.) is big on the "what goes around comes around" philosophy.
He has some wonderful qualities I do look for in a partner, so he wonders why I won't go the proper way with dating.

Simply, I AM NOT ATTRACTED TO HIM AT ALL....and sex on the first night made it cloudy from start.

Have you wondered "what if" in letting a potentially good thing go???? That's where I stayed in communication ranks with him anyway.
 
Dump The Mother Fucker Already.

And astrology isn't keeping you out of trouble if it's suggesting you're somehow "fated" to be stuck in a lousy relationship. :)

Have I ever wondered if I was potentially letting a good thing go? No. I've given relationships a bit of leeway to see if something connects, but after a time, if nothing's happening, I bow out.

Lex
 
G-Lexington said:
Dump The Mother Fucker Already.

And astrology isn't keeping you out of trouble if it's suggesting you're somehow "fated" to be stuck in a lousy relationship. :)

Have I ever wondered if I was potentially letting a good thing go? No. I've given relationships a bit of leeway to see if something connects, but after a time, if nothing's happening, I bow out.

Lex
Click to expand...

Wise.....can I be your part-time stepson????..|
 
Being close to someone out of pity just sounds like an abusive relationship to me, and we all know there are FAR too many of those in the world.
 
9Times said:
Who is the abusive one....me?????:confused:
Click to expand...

Yes. You're basically saying that he doesn't deserve you. In a healthy relationship, you both feel that the other deserves you, or perhaps you even each feel that you don't deserve the other. When one person feels that the other doesn't deserve them, they're putting themselves on a pedestal and setting themselves up to be an abuser.
 
LoveIsNow said:
Yes. You're basically saying that he doesn't deserve you. In a healthy relationship, you both feel that the other deserves you, or perhaps you even each feel that you don't deserve the other. When one person feels that the other doesn't deserve them, they're putting themselves on a pedestal and setting themselves up to be an abuser.
Click to expand...


Which is exactly WHY I DON'T WANT HIM-you're missing my point I think. He makes it too easy to be used! I wish you were there to hear our convos. I would blatantly tell him that I am not feeling him past sex; he tolerates it and calls it "love" later on.

I just want to know how to get over myself (about feeling upset by telling him to go/stay away). That's what I want to- I hate the notion of someone like him "loving" blindly. One-sided emotions hurt deeply, even after the truth is spoken.

Sometimes, I think he tunes me out whenever I say "we are not in any way compatible". Then, when I'm horny (admittedly) and running dry of my other contacts, I call him up. That's why I don't like deciding at desperate times.

This whole scene is not my idea of a healthy relationship. I feel like hooking up on the 1st night took him into relationship mode automatically....obviously that night, I felt he "deserved" something...it doesn't mean I have to lie to myself to keep HIS ego intact. I'm not being stuck up about it, though.:wave:
 
I've dated someone just to be nice but that was a bad idea. So I'd say no. Sooner or later you'll end up hating the situation and finding a reason to leave. At least that was MY experience.
 
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