Years of a confusing, dying friendship & great sexual chemistry

[thenewkcm]

In 2006, T and I met at temple. We became best friends. I was 18 and he was 14, but we had lots in common. I came out in 2007. By 2008, I began distancing myself from his family and he started throwing subtle hints that he was curious. Once he turned 18 in 2010, we started jerking off together and giving each other head.

In 2011, he started dating a girl. I didn't hear from him much. In 2012, he'd give me dirty phone calls and texts. We frotted, sucked, and jerked off one night and I felt guilty for a long time and refused to be around him or his girlfriend.

This year, I've only seen him 4 times...his birthday party, at his job, sucking each other off in his car after my birthday, and then we fucked each other for the first time in his car last Friday.

I don't feel satisfied or fulfilled. I haven't been in a LTR before and I want to date, I want to experience honesty and commitment, I want to be loved. I've held on to our great friendship of the past, but presently, he's only interested in getting off and not interested in me as person, friend, or source of support. His communication, honesty, and consistency are all off.

I'm having a tough time letting him go. When I'm not around him, I hate him and don't want to see him. But part of me wants to enjoy this explosion of lust, because we've both wanted each other sexually for so long and satisfy each other.

But this is not what I need in my life. He's confused about his sexuality, I'm not. He's in a relationship, I'm not. The entire situation feels wrong and I'm tired of beating myself up. If I hold on to him, I can't move on. I feel stuck and uncomfortable about this situation.

HELP ME PLEASE!!

 

[TX-Beau]

Honesty, commitment, communication, 18. I don't think so.

Hairtrigger, horny, xbox, 18. Much better.

Perhaps there is this species of teenager out there who's emotionally 35, some people say there are, but I've never come across one.

Why don't you just pursue other men and let that be whatever-the-fuck it is. You know he'll end up gay at 22.

 

[checkinthingsout]

Honesty, commitment, communication, 18. I don't think so.

Hairtrigger, horny, xbox, 18. Much better.

Perhaps there is this species of teenager out there who's emotionally 35, some people say there are, but I've never come across one.

Why don't you just pursue other men and let that be whatever-the-fuck it is. You know he'll end up gay at 22.

LOL. This exactly. Go be 22 and gay with another guy who is available to give you those things. Right now you are trying to make a teenager grow up. Good luck with that one.

 

[Seasoned]

Until the discomfort you feel after the let down of sex is greater than the excitement and anticipation of sex you aren't likely to walk away. You're in control of yourself. You haven't walked away because you don't want to.

 

[Rolyo85]

Have to agree. You're both young, unentangled and inexperienced enough where "letting him go" shouldn't be that much of an issue if you actually wanted that.

 

[KaraBulut]

Accept this relationship for what it is and not what you want it to be.

It's not uncommon for gay men to have a fuckbuddy who is otherwise committed, is in the closet and even in denial. He would not be the first straight guy who liked a little cock every now and then. Accept that for what it is and let go of the anger about it.

While you may feel that you're angry at him, you're probably more angry at yourself. You want something from him that he's not able to give you. The question is, "If you want a boyfriend, why aren't you out there meeting other guys, dating and finding what it is that you want.. from a guy who is a grownup and can make the kind of commitment you're saying that you want?".

If this 3-4 times a year fuckbuddy is the excuse for you not moving forward, then it's time to let him go and move on.

But honestly, if you look at this situation, your unhappiness at not having a boyfriend and someone who can love you back... that's not your friend's fault. It's something that you will have to change.

 

[thenewkcm]

Thank you all for responding!! You all have written things I need to accept and follow through with. It's been a week since we last saw/spoke to each other/had sex and I do feel that distance would be best for us. I've realized that I have to be responsible for my part and if I'm unhappy, I need to make a change.

Until the discomfort you feel after the let down of sex is greater than the excitement and anticipation of sex you aren't likely to walk away. You're in control of yourself. You haven't walked away because you don't want to.

This is profound! I needed to see this.

Have to agree. You're both young, unentangled and inexperienced enough where "letting him go" shouldn't be that much of an issue if you actually wanted that.

I give others too much power. I've walked away from bad situations before, I can walk away from this too. There are much better guys out there....single, intelligent, consistent, and mature.

Accept this relationship for what it is and not what you want it to be.

It's not uncommon for gay men to have a fuckbuddy who is otherwise committed, is in the closet and even in denial. He would not be the first straight guy who liked a little cock every now and then. Accept that for what it is and let go of the anger about it.

While you may feel that you're angry at him, you're probably more angry at yourself. You want something from him that he's not able to give you. The question is, "If you want a boyfriend, why aren't you out there meeting other guys, dating and finding what it is that you want.. from a guy who is a grownup and can make the kind of commitment you're saying that you want?".

If this 3-4 times a year fuckbuddy is the excuse for you not moving forward, then it's time to let him go and move on.

But honestly, if you look at this situation, your unhappiness at not having a boyfriend and someone who can love you back... that's not your friend's fault. It's something that you will have to change.

That first line is a life lesson. I accept that we're nothing more than fuck buddies now. And that's the reason why I need to walk away.

I am angry at myself because I continue to settle and tolerate things that are a disservice to me. It's very counterproductive to be fooling around with a taken straight guy when I want to be in a relationship with someone who is single and not straight. I am angry because I can do better.

But I realize I need to forgive myself and move on, break this vicious cycle. It's THAT SIMPLE. I just make it difficult!

Once again, thank you all!! I'll be keeping you posted.

 

[KaraBulut]

...I am angry because I can do better.

^This.

Write it on a 100 sticky notes. Put it on your mirror to read when you shave. Stick it on your refrigerator. Make it your first thought in the morning and your last thought at night.

 

[thenewkcm]

UPDATE

It's been a month since we had sex and I'm glad we got it over with. We've only spoken once because he wanted to know if I'd be attending Miami Carnival, which I didn't. I've considered our friendship long dead, so I'm not going to put any effort into staying in touch with him unless he reaches out to me.

Since then, I've realized that I expect too much from people, yet I don't always open up and say what I want. I've been able to end the confusing back and forth with an ex-boyfriend over the last few months and now we're friends. This weekend I'll be going out on a date with a nice young gentleman who is an acquaintance of some good friends of mine.

I have to know what I want and communicate that to the other person. It makes life much more simple. I look forward to allowing my romantic life to blossom and I'll do everything one step and day at a time.

 

[Seasoned]

Good for you. We can make life, especially love-life, much simpler if we stop mind reading and stop ourselves from expecting others to read ours. You're on the right track. Slow yourself down and life a day at a time with as much honesty as possible. Best wishes.

 

[thenewkcm]

UPDATE

So I went out with the nice handsome gentleman who is 26 years old, educated, and well spoken. We hit it off and agreed that we wanted to go on another date, but it has yet to happen because of his confusion with his sexuality and the expectations/pressures from his mother to forget his sexual desires to men and instead marry a woman. So now we just talk on the phone, because I'm not going to babysit.

I was strong for a month, but about 2-3 weeks ago the "straight" friend called me and said he needed condoms (I work in the sexual health field and give condoms to friends, family, and clients) and we ended up having sex AGAIN. It was physically pleasurable. But all I could think about during the sex was his girlfriend and the fact that there's no emotional connection.

Halloween comes and I go to Wicked Manors with my ex-boyfriend/friend. We dance together, hold hands, and I'm even jealous when someone else looks at him. He's jealous when someone looks at me. He came over my place and to have the most AMAZING SEX with someone I care about and someone who feels the same way I do was perfect. We love each other. We just don't want to be in a relationship right now. And I'm fine with that.

What I've realized is....maybe I just want sex. I'm not ready for a relationship right now. I've tried in the past. I have abstained a lot in the past and I'm ready to have lots of fun, safe, affectionate, passionate sex. And I want it with my ex-boyfriend/friend.