"you are the perfect man for a woman"

[backseatboy]

I came out to my sister last night. She actually asked me, and I had to be truthful. But she doesn't really understand where I'm coming from, and that is bothering me. Both my sister and I know that we are uncommon people and know that it is VERY difficult for us to even make friends, non the less connect with anyone on a personal/emotional level in our geographic region.

My sister is convinced that the right girl for me isn't in this state, that I need to study abroad and visit the West coast and meet "northern" and "big city" people. When in truth I am not physically attracted to women, period. Everyone woman in the world will still have breasts and a vagina. I know how straight men idolize these characteristics and I just can't fathom mirroring that behavior.

I feel awful because of I agreed with her. I am very uncommon, and I live in a very common, conservative town. There is a possibility that there might be a girl out there that I can be good friends with, and connect on that emotional level. BUT, I neglected to say that there just as well might be a MAN out there that I can connect with emotionally and that I would desire to connect physically with. My sister assumes that if I can relate to a woman emotionally then we can just get married... She doesn't see the "physical" and "emotional" as separate things. She thinks that if I have one, then I have the other. And I regret not correcting her. I just didn't want to fight.

Let me explain what I mean by uncommon. I'm not trying to be cocky or anything so please don't read it as such. I want to better help you understand me. By uncommon I mean, I am African-American, going to a good private school, on track to go to study law post grad, have rich parents, I drive a nice car, we take lux vacations, I do not have the urban aspect to my personality, my fashion is very different, and I when I speak I have a light British accent. I am just fucking spectacle where I currently go to school, no one speaks to me, they just look. And when I try to make friends I fail miserably. They feel inadequate to stand up to me and tell me their feelings, I always dominate plans, when I rely on them just as much. And when someone does approach me, it is always for help, or academic related questions. Never to just hang out or ask how my days was. And when I approach them they puff up and get defensive and don't really open up to me. Or recently they just use me for Spring Break and evaporate when we get back to campus.

And my sister assumes that because I'm so different that I just haven't had the chance to meet girls that I can relate to. And to be honest I haven't met a gay guy that wants to really get to know me either, but I just feel my sister is finding excuses for me not to be gay, you know? I just thought coming out of the closet was a clean cut process...... I'm worried my parents might think the same thing. I know there isn't anything horrible about saying I will never marry a woman, but I know that is the last thing they want to hear from their only son, u know? Plus in the African American community where I live there aren't that many black men at all, and even fewer "good" black men, and I'm considered to be one of the few "good" ones. I just feel like I'd be letting a-lot of people down. They want so much from me, and expect great things, but neglect my happiness.. Girls get mad when I tell them I'm gay, and resent me because "all the good ones are gay". They make me feel guilty because I don't "look gay" and fool a-lot of straight people. gosh, I'm about to cry writing this. I just want to be understood. Instead of all these people getting angry with me for not being straight they should wonder why they are attracted to gay men, and why there are so many "bad" men out there instead of just placing the weight of the problem on my homosexuality. I just worry those thoughts are going through my sister head as-well, and my parents.

It has been bothering me so much that I can't even sleep. I just had to write it out to help clear my head, thanks.

 

[Gin&Tonic]

are you in Texas by any chance?

 

[backseatboy]

Nope. One state over to the right.

 

[backseatboy]

are you in Texas by any chance?

Nope. One state over to the right.

 

[Scimitar]

I'm guessing that would be Louisiana.

 

[DonSade]

I think I'm pretty similar to you in many aspects. In fact, I can pretty much say I almost completely understand what it is you're going through. But at some point, after having all this pressure on my shoulders and pursuing a career basically shoved down my throat by my family (they own this really important Civil Engineering firm in the Caribbean) I realized that perhaps it wasn't that important to live up that much to their expectations. For a long while I felt unhappy. And to boot I noticed eventually that I was in fact gay and when my mental health deteriorated to the point in which I could barely get up to class I realized I had to make changes. And from that period on I put myself first. I dropped out of Civil Engineering and am pursuing a career in Audio Engineering now much against my family's will (had to go the loan route...) and seemingly things are getting better.

I think the problem is that perhaps you haven't given yourself the freedom to explore what it is that makes you who you are. Instead you're threading this path that's basically been cut and trimmed for you to follow. But what about what you want in life? There has to be a spotlight over that too. Have you given yourself a chance to explore these things outside the boundaries of what you've been doing it up to this point?

I too come from a wealthy family (although my parents aren't wealthy, the family is so by extension, I am treated as the wealthy ones... lol) and I was treated my whole life as one of the family's bright ones. I am Hispanic of dominican/puertorican descent, and I too have issues making durable connections with other people (let alone keeping them) because people tend to think I'm stuck up and arrogant and basically only call me when they need me for something only I can take care of. That's as much contact as I usually get from them. Those that do give me a chance realize I'm quite the opposite of their first impressions. Dating's a bitch too... guys tend to think I'm too straight looking or am probably trying to pull off a prank (yes they do say these things... it's ridiculous). And straight people in general keep treating me as a straight guy for some weird reason. It's like I never came out at times. The excuse I get for people not being closer to me is that I give this impression that commands a certain level of respect and so people restrict themselves around me so as to not to offend me... that funny thing about this is that I'm pretty thick skinned!! -_-

I don't know if you're going through exactly what I went through which was basically an identity crisis. I didn't know what it is I wanted, why I was doing what I was doing, why I always seemed to end up alone after trying so hard to stay in touch with other people, why the heck could I not keep a lasting relationship with a girl and more importantly: Why was I always so unhappy. I even went to therapy and the psychologist said I only had a light depression and some exercise would solve it. She failed to see that everything I did was because I wanted to keep my parents happy... not ME! And also failed to see how my sexuality was the least of my problems.

So, now at 23 years old, things are getting better little by little. I took the drastic route. I still have some family members to tell though since I kinda did this under wraps with my mom backing me up the whole way (although she still doesn't know I'm gay yet... I'm pretty sure she suspects though lol). I changed certain aspect of how I projected myself to others: I dress up a much more "normal", I try to keep informed of what it is my peers like even if I don't exactly like it (it makes being around them more pleasant, spurs more conversations with strangers and makes them feel like you actualy have an interest in them), and I've basically become a social actor. Provided, I don't feel that comfortable in the open social setting just yet, but I'm adapting myself using some acting techniques I learned in some college courses (and 8 years of stage acting experience) and I'm basically taking a "scientific" approach to socializing. It's all about seeing how people around you act and reacting accordingly.

I think you are letting your sister fantasize though. Does she know you're gay? If so, then I don't see why you shouldn't make it clear to her that you're not interested in any girl, PERIOD! She sounds rather patronizing. :-/

 

[conrad]

Differences come in all shades and variations. My family (siblings) let me know that I was different; but my parents always put that in the most positive light. We got along fine. My great discovery was that reaching out in just plain old-fashioned friendship netted me my first sexual partner and a long term relationship through high school. Sex is personal and private to me and I have always kept it so. What the public could see was all they got and that worked fine for me and my teen partner. I also made friends with other boys and girls and never assumed that any of those relationships would ever have a sexual element. Friendship is life's best gift and you don't have to be like somebody else to have them as friends. Stick with ordinary methods. And, above all, do not trumpet your sexual orientation before others. That will only cause some nice folks to shun you, and they won't all be the homophobic type.

 

[backseatboy]

@Conrad - that is encouraging, thank you.

@DonSade - Thank you so much for responding. It means alot that someone, even electronically can relate. You story is pretty much carbon copy of mine. I sent you a PM to keep this response short. She knows I am gay, but I'm "the perfect man for a woman" and is holding out for hope? I dunno. My sister and I will definitely have to talk again to straighten this out.

 

[thisisinteresting]

Your sister can't accept the fact that you're gay and like you said, is trying to make excuses. Her problem, not yours. Don't let her make you confused.