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You want me to be your D in a D/s relationship? Huh?

R

RickRak

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I need some help here...I was too nervous to post this on the 'regular' D/s (Dom/sub) forums I was able to find but I've been a member here before and I know some good advice can be had though I've never seen this particular topic here...

My boyfriend who I love dearly has recently told me he would like it if I were a little more rough with him in bed and that he also would like it if I verbally degraded him at the same time.

No judgements on my part, I don't have a problem with someone liking this sort of treatment and i certainly don't think any less of him. (though my initial reaction might have been interpreted that way and I'll get to that in a moment)

My problem is - I don't think I can do it. I'm not above physical retribution for certain things (i.e. someone outside the bar physically harassing my boyfriend or a bro-in-law getting handsy with my sister because he's drunk and pissed off) but I'm not indiscriminately violent or anything like that...I am just very protective of the people I care about. AND because I care about him so much I just don't think I have it in me to intentionally do anything that would hurt him either physically or emotionally.

I realize this isn't like math...2+2=he's this way because of X and thats why he likes Y which means no quick and easy answers will be forthcoming...(and really I'm not asking for an explanation)

I also understand that a lot of talking and communication is going to have to occur and I understand the whole safeword thing and that's all well and good but I want to be able to give him what he wants but I don't want to feel like the worlds worst person after it's all over. I also don't want him feeling like he has to spend all his extra energy comforting and reassuring me that I'm not a bad person which is how I know I'll feel.

I know i don't have to go from zero to pullhishairchokehimalittleandtellhimhesagoodlittlebitch in one night either...

I have thought a lot about this...

what I want to know is - does anybody have some other point of view from which I might be able to view this situation that'll help me be more okay with doing this so that he can get what he wants and I don't feel like a monster for doing it?

(realized I kind of beat around the bush a bit...no pun intended)
 
just re-read it (for those who were wondering) my initial reaction was that I was a little horrified (facial expression I'm sure because I didn't say anything right away) but the reason for it was because I couldn't imagine being mean to him in bed...I'm just not a cruel person like that.
 
i think if its not in you, then its not in you. you shouldnt force yourself to do things that make you miserable.
but i think you should really keep an open mind, and at least try it out.

i think you should take baby steps. it sounds like he already told you what he fantasises about. if not, then ask him. make him be specific. "a little more rough" is not specific enough, if those were his words. what exactly are some of the things he fantasises about?

then i think you should start by doing one of those things only. not dirty talk and spanking and bondage and roleplay (or whatever, those are just examples), but just one. see how that goes, and take it from there.

heres one thing my regular and i currently do quite often: one ties the other up with ropes and blindfolds him.
then we have sex (making out, kissing, oral, rimming, fingering, anal, etc) that way. theres no roleplay involved, or pain or degradation. its all very mild, really. but still, the tied up and blindfolded one is at the mercy of the other, and its really, really hot.
 
Yeah - we're going to take it slow. He told me the only reason he even asked was because he knew I'd never take it too far or hurt him for real. That he'd never been with anybody else who he felt safe enough with to ask. That made me feel better. After he said that I kind of realized a fair amount of my anxiety had to do with him thinking otherwise. Baby steps it is.
 
I'd suggest taking things slowly and doing a bit of research. You might find this book helpful.

You could also ask your boyfriend to make a "Yes/No/Maybe" list, where he lists the things he definitely wants to try, never wants to try, and may be interested in. It's a good way to set clear boundaries.
 
RickRak said:
My boyfriend who I love dearly has recently told me he would like it if I were a little more rough with him in bed
Click to expand...

Surprise him! Bring the following to bed the next time and ask him to choose his desired roughness for the night...

7044031-kitchen-sponge-with-cleaning-pad.jpg


:lol:

Put some humor into it. Don't take yourself too seriously. It's just role playing. Pretend you're an actor. You need to act out a scene. That's it.
 
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