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Your Boyfriend and his Gay Best Friend...

C

crubbed

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I am big friends with Frankie. We've known each other for 3 years now. There has never been anything sexual between us. We're both bottoms. I was there when he met his current boyfriend (Matthew, great guy, I see him sporadically), and they've been together for 1 year and a half now. Frankie is my number one confident. I tell him everything. Even the most embarrassing truths about myself. I look up to him, in the sense that I see him as very mature.

Recently, Frankie and Matthew have hit a rough patch in their relationship. A part of Frankie wants to break up with Matthew because Matthew doesn't want to ever marry. And I gather that their sexual life has basically flatlined. In the meantime, I got my upteenth let down in love.

The other day, I put Frankie up over at my place (he's moving to Spain for 3 months and he needed a place to stay for a couple days). Okay, so we cuddled a little, and he was very sweet with me. He kissed me, I could tell he wanted to do it for a long time. I was kinda hesitant, so it was a simple kiss - no tongue. But I enjoyed it. The same thing happened twice. Innocent kisses, and lots of cuddling. No sex, no frottage. We didn't talk about it afterwards, and I made a point of acting as my usual self. Now I'm hosting him again on Wednesday, and I think I want to kiss and cuddle again. I don't want sex because I don't think I'm sexually attracted to him. He's hairy, and a little fat-- not my type of guy. But still. I do love him as a friend. There's an emotional connection there.

Now, my question is about Matthew. I don't think I'll be able to look at the guy in the eye again. To me, everything that you do at the back of your boyfriend is cheating. So Frankie cheated on him with me. And I don't want Matthew to find out about us because, well... What is this guy supposed to think once he discovers that his boyfriend made out with his own best friend? I was the guy Matthew always felt secure knowing I was around his boyfriend. And now I have to admit: I'm kinda turned on by the fact I'm 'the other guy'. That someone who knows me so well would emotionally cheat on his boyfriend with me--> instant hard-on. I know that's horrible, but that's what low self-esteem does to you. I have to be honest with myself.

However, I keep wondering: what will I think when I have a boyfriend myself? Will I be able to trust him with his own best friend? Is this how it goes in the gay world? Can't you trust anyone? Have any of you had a similar experience with their best friend?
 
First of you, you kissed him, nothing more. Secondly, guilt can be useful at times. It's telling you to S-T-O-P.
Besides, it's not fair to your chubby, hairy friend. Your giving him a stronger signal than you intend.

The title of your thread is confusing as it relates to the events you describe.
 
hi crubbed,

So Frankie is really your very, very good friend and he will visit you soon again. I think you should tell him about your feelings of guilt. So be honest and open to Frankie, and tell him straight forward that you liked the kissing and cuddling, but that you got feelings of guilt (etc.). I tend to think that being open to him is the only way to maintain a good friendship with him. Maybe (?), the friendship will even become better? People are not perfect. Talking with Frankie about this topic will also involve that you tell him about your current ideas about Matthew.

Cheating in relation to cuddling and kissing each other as very, very good gay friends? Pfoeh, I don't know if this is really a big deal. There is only one solution: talk and discuss about it with Frankie. He is your very, very good friend. I tend to think you also talk about sex with Frankie, and also about his relation with Matthew.

I agree with Seasoned that you should stop with kissing and cuddling Frankie. Besides that, its not good that you don't know how to behave towards the boyfriend of your best friend. I can imagine very well that you feel the tension, but its not something which will work well in the long time.

Take care & good luck & please keep us informed & feel free to react.
 
You're being way too rigid with your definition of "cheating". He didn't cheat on him with you, he just found a little comfort in a very innocent act of intimacy. To obsess over that is plain silly.
 
^ I'd consider it cheating as it doesn't sound like his boyfriend would be okay with it.

I'd say you need to talk to your friend and be clear about the way you feel or don't feel.
 
This same exact story happened to me. And I can say that both of you are assholes! Frankie should just break up with Matthew if its not working out. And even if you have feelings for Frankie, you should step back until things are resolved. Its always fun for the culprits, but for the guy who its done to it is a horrible feeling. But people sometimes just do what feels good, and not what feels right. So happy cheating!
 
sinfulsimon said:
^ I'd consider it cheating as it doesn't sound like his boyfriend would be okay with it.

I'd say you need to talk to your friend and be clear about the way you feel or don't feel.
Click to expand...

Eh, I still say it's no big deal. Things are rarely as simple when you are in the situation instead of observing it from afar. But then again, to me what's going on in your head is much more relevant when it comes to cheating than any particular physical contact.
 
Thanks for your replyies guys.

pilate said:
This same exact story happened to me. And I can say that both of you are assholes! Frankie should just break up with Matthew if its not working out. And even if you have feelings for Frankie, you should step back until things are resolved. Its always fun for the culprits, but for the guy who its done to it is a horrible feeling. But people sometimes just do what feels good, and not what feels right. So happy cheating!
Click to expand...

Okay, your words really struck a chord with me. I kept thinking about them. They gave me the right perspective and influenced my actions.

So, Frankie came to spend the night over. We had dinner, and there was definitely some sexual tension. He hinted at kissing me, I avoided him. Then he bluntly came on to me when we went to bed. I was very hesitant while he would keep kissing me, and I definitely enjoyed that for a minute there. But then I came around and I said 'Stop. It doesn't feel right'. He asked why. And I said 'Matthew...'. The second I mentioned Matthew's name, I could tell Frankie was extremely embarrassed. He said 'Yeah but... it's just a game we're playing'. I guess this was the excuse he invented for himself. And I was like 'I know, and I've kinda liked it, but...'. He apologized for making me feel uncomfortable. I hugged him because I felt sorry for him. I mean, I know he means well.

The three of us we are very young, and I sense Frankie's bored by his relationship but still he can't vision his life without Matthew. I wish them all the best, whether they stay together or apart, but I don't want to be a part of this. And most of all, I don't want to do what feels good. I want to do what feels right. My hard-on thinking about it has vanished.
 
Good for you. I think it's healthy to have boundaries with friends unless things are discussed openly. Nothing "just happens," but I remember also thinking that way. Feels good to take control of life when you can, doesn't it?
 
Some advice. You won't ever "know" what's going on in someone else's relationships. Don't insert yourself into them.

He didn't "mean well," he meant to cheat. He knew it, you knew it, you can call it cutesy names if you like but it is what it is.

If you find yourself in a similar position one day, getting out when you are done hurts less than betrayal because of cowardice.
 
hi crubbed,

thanks for the update and good to hear you had a good talk with Frankie, and that you have made clear to him that there are boundaries. Towards my opinion, you did this on a very nice and friendly way. So Frankie is now on its way to Spain. Is he an exchange student who will study for a while in Spain?

Future will tell how things are going between Frankie and Matthews.

Take care & good luck.
 
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