Your parents, coming out and your identity

[Spazer181]

That's an interesting question. My mother is a Methodist minister and my father's quite religious, so I would probably have more the experience of your friend. While I'm slowly (but surely) coming out, I wouldn't say that I'm more flamboyant/camp/whatever as a result. I'm not out to 'prove' my sexual orientation, I am who I am and am happy. Whether my parents' beliefs effect my perception of my queer identity, I would probably say yes. Apart from the scathing comdenation I got when I came out, one thing they did say that stuck (regardless of what I did with the rest of what they said) was to not allow being gay to be my defining characteristic. So, I would say that I fit more into what you're calling the Joe-Schmo-Homo category. Great question, I hope this explains my thoughts well.

 

[Syn]

While I have yet to come out to my parents, I have already come out to my sister. She said that she already knew and was basically just waiting for me to tell her. And it almost seems as though I've been out to her all my life, just unconsciously.

I think that coming out to my sister allowed me to be more open with her. Once I came out to her I was able to tell her all my feelings about relationships, whereas before it was such a touchy topic and I almost quivered when my sister or my family talked about homosexuality.

I do come from a religious family but I don't really think that religion comes into play with my family. I think it's more about my happiness.

In general, I think that coming out allows you to be more open with those you love in an effort for them to finally understand you.

 

[Eagle653]

This is an interesting question. Of course, one way to frame degrees of "outness" is by how religious one's parents are. And, there can be no doubt that religious beliefs of parents can directly impact how comfortable one is (or isn't) in 1) coming out to them ,and 2) feeling comfortable living a gay lifestyle.

I do think, though, that one's age-at-coming-out and one's overall assertive personality are probably two bigger variables in how one adapts and expresses their lifestyle, whether in the face of parental opposition or support.

But, you raise the religion question. In my own case, my mother is extremely religious. Yet, she possesses unconditional love for me. She has reconciled whatever conflicts this may have presented and fully accepts my partner and me as if he were a "wife." Why is that? Is it because she emphasizes the concept of "love" and "acceptance" as part of her religious core? Is it that she loves her children more than life itself and takes to heart the idea of "unconditional love?" Has she grown wise in her old age to know that it's best to let her kids live their own life, and that to be respected you must respect? Or, is it some combination of all of these things? I suspect it's all of these things, and then some (e.g. personality). My own feeling (admittedly not thought out) is that religious beliefs are but one factor in one's reaction to a child being gay. The lionshare, I suspect, are explained by other variables--like built-in prejudices, overall relationship with the child, personality, and the like.

 

[G-Lexington]

I'm not sure I buy it. My basic feeling is that people look for patterns even where there are none.

Male child of oppressive parents is flamboyantly gay? Ah, he's overcompensating, trying to convince himself that it's OK, or trying to "strike back" at his oppressive parents.

Male child of oppressive parents is "straight-acting"? Ah, he still feels the hard hand of parental control acting on him, forcing him to "act" straight instead of freeing up and being the homosexual he really is (and longs to be).

I think many (if not most) people would have no problem believing either of these. But it's my theory that they act this way because, well, that's just how they are.

Lex

 

[ColorSlaughter]

My parents weren't very religious at all. In words, maybe, but not in practice. Never went to church, never said grace, never really did anything.

I came out last year around this time, actually, and have grown far more comfortable in my own skin and mind since. I'm still the same sarcastic person, just slightly more gay about it. And I love it.

My parents, on the other hand, aren't too fond of it. My father was extremely disappointed in me when I came out, thought I was lying, thought it was a phase, and is just moping around and gets somewhat angry whenever I make a comment about it. I can't even mention it to my mother, she cried when she found out and she's just very...uncomfortable about it as well.

Guess they didn't want a gay kid, huh? Don't think religion had much to do with it, so much as the social stigma. But they probably should have seen it coming. B)

 

[CSI_3Stokes]

Neither parent is religious but they said they knew I was without me having to tell them.

 

[Spazer181]

I think Volcom has an excellent point, I think personality type probably plays more into one's resposne to the surroundings/ how one conducts oneself in general. I think as an introvert, this would probably be true for me.