your thoughts on LTRs, monogamy, growing old as a couple, etc.

[infrasound]

There aren't many resources available out there for us gay/bi guys when it comes to relationships. Our resources tend to focus on safe sex, how to hook up, and how to come out.

You can go to a bookstore and browse the self-help section, find an interesting book about relationships and switch all the pronouns around, but the reality is, there are many issues about two men being together that are unique and I think there's too little information out there for two men who are in a long-term relationship and navigating a shared life.

I live in an area with a medium-sized LGBT community, but there aren't a lot of long-term gay couples that I meet (probably related to my age group). So I view a forum like this as providing me with unique access to a broad range of experiences.

So, I'm hoping to get some honest feedback from the members here, preferably those who are in long-term relationships (let's say, anything over a few years.) However, everyone is open to participate, of course - straight bisexual or gay, male or female.

(Some of these questions are really multiple questions, but about the same thing. Sorry if that seems confusing.)

1. What qualities are necessary in a long-term relationship?

2. Do you think a long-term relationship has more to do with circumstances out of our control (ex: getting lucky and meeting Mr/Ms Right), or because some people have a personality that is somehow suited to long-term commitment?

3. Do you think of your relationship as monogamous, non-monogamous, or something in-between? How do you feel about being sexual with only one other person for the rest of your life?

4. Have you encountered any hostility towards or jealousy of your relationship from other gay men? What effect did that have on you?

5. What relationship advice can you offer other JUB members who are in or searching for long-term relationships? What's been essential to your relationship's success?

Thanks for sharing!

 

[conrad]

Interesting question and IMHO it gets at the key to any hope of happiness is one's journey into the fullness of one's sexuality.

My own experience suggests to me that it is not something which one can plan for; it is rather something that one has to be open to and to grasp as life unfolds. Of course one has to be open to other persons but I doubt that we are so fixed in our urges that the gender of the other persons will always dictate whether something good can come from a relationship. Label yourself too soon and you can set yourself up to miss the very person with whom a relationship would be beneficial to both parties.

My own feeling is that if "mere sexual activity" is the object one may get that but miss out on the gold of a loving relationship. For me the sex, when it happens, should seem natural and right; such sex confirms the bond that exists between two persons.

As a young person one tends to move about and even loving relationships end. I treasure the continuing love I get and feel in my contact with former partners; neither they nor I are in any way jealous of the very permanent relationships to which we have settled down.

One ought to be able to look back over one's life and be grateful for the partners who have enriched it. That is something, IMHO, which no diet of casual sex can ever offer.

 

[infrasound]

One ought to be able to look back over one's life and be grateful for the partners who have enriched it. That is something, IMHO, which no diet of casual sex can ever offer.

Thank you for sharing your insights, conrad! I like this quote.

 

[Sha-Rok]

Q. What qualities are necessary in a long-term relationship?
A. Trust, loyalty, honesty, communication, & Love(Duh!)

Q. Do you think a long-term relationship has more to do with circumstances out of our control (ex: getting lucky and meeting Mr/Ms Right), or because some people have a personality that is somehow suited to long-term commitment?
A. Our personalities meshed. We fulfilled what the other was looking for and gravitated towards each other. I would say that I think people want a LTR so much so that they settle to quickly. Stop acting desperate.

Q. Do you think of your relationship as monogamous, non-monogamous, or something in-between? How do you feel about being sexual with only one other person for the rest of your life?
A. Totally monogamous. I cringe at the thought of some guy touch my love. As far as being with one person sexually my whole life..I'll say this: All ass holes feel the same for the most part. Me and my partner make love and its fulfilling. A cheap fuck does nothing for me..it never did.

Q. Have you encountered any hostility towards or jealousy of your relationship from other gay men? What effect did that have on you?
A.Yeah, they scream that where too young to be settling down..However I've been up and down and around the block twice..I'm only 22..I quickly understood that my behavior wasn't healthy..physically and mentally..So I'm not missing anything. If you want to bed hop..may the gods protect you..but I'm not with it. I laugh it off.

Q.What relationship advice can you offer other JUB members who are in or searching for long-term relationships? What's been essential to your relationship's success?
A. If you can't pass gas in front of him..its not going to work..lol! To me Its the feeling that I can't imagine being with anybody else.

 

[Nomenclature]

People fall out of love and lust all the time. I think what keeps people together for the long term - gay or straight - is simply being experienced and mature enough to know what's out there, and to not want to start all over with someone else.

To me, that's a very logical explanation for those old couples you see who've been married for 80 years. Unless their partner dies, they'll never leave each other; "The grass is never greener on the other side."

 

[G-Lexington]

1. What qualities are necessary in a long-term relationship?

Empathy, communication, and compromise.

2. Do you think a long-term relationship has more to do with circumstances out of our control (ex: getting lucky and meeting Mr/Ms Right), or because some people have a personality that is somehow suited to long-term commitment?

Column A, column B. Yes, the personality and will must be there, but that's not sufficient unless the two personalities gel enough to allow the relationship to remain.

3. Do you think of your relationship as monogamous, non-monogamous, or something in-between? How do you feel about being sexual with only one other person for the rest of your life?

Monogamous. Totally fine with it. Do I sometimes fantasize about having sex outside the relationship? Definitely. I also fantasize about performing a killer rock show in front of thousands of fans, or traveling to Mars. I have no trouble keeping it a fantasy.

4. Have you encountered any hostility towards or jealousy of your relationship from other gay men? What effect did that have on you?

It seems the two emotions that my relationship inspires is jealousy and pity. Jealousy from those that desire a LTR, and pity from those who see it as some sort of unnecessary curse.

5. What relationship advice can you offer other JUB members who are in or searching for long-term relationships? What's been essential to your relationship's success?

Don't put the cart before the horse. You don't just need a guy who's (also) interested in a LTR. You need a guy who actually can be in an LTR WITH YOU. He'll need to complement you in certain ways in order to make this possible.

Lex

 

[rareboy]

1. What qualities are necessary in a long-term relationship?

Besides love? and what others have said? Patience. Forgiveness.

2. Do you think a long-term relationship has more to do with circumstances out of our control (ex: getting lucky and meeting Mr/Ms Right), or because some people have a personality that is somehow suited to long-term commitment?

Both.

3. Do you think of your relationship as monogamous, non-monogamous, or something in-between? How do you feel about being sexual with only one other person for the rest of your life?

Monogamous, but doesn't preclude telling one another that we think another guy is hot or cute.

4. Have you encountered any hostility towards or jealousy of your relationship from other gay men? What effect did that have on you?

Not that I'm aware of.

5. What relationship advice can you offer other JUB members who are in or searching for long-term relationships? What's been essential to your relationship's success?

Don't sweat the small stuff.

After nearly 28 years, most of it looks like small stuff.

 

[KaraBulut]

What qualities are necessary in a long-term relationship?

In addition to what has been mentioned above, I would add: a sense of humor and a love of laughter.

 

[infrasound]

Thanks everyone for your replies. Keep 'em coming.

As far as being with one person sexually my whole life..I'll say this: All ass holes feel the same for the most part. Me and my partner make love and its fulfilling. A cheap fuck does nothing for me..it never did.

Such a good answer!

And about your age: I was really young when I entered into my relationship, and we've been living together for 15 years now. If you know what you want, it's easy. Prove them all wrong!

It seems the two emotions that my relationship inspires is jealousy and pity. Jealousy from those that desire a LTR, and pity from those who see it as some sort of unnecessary curse.

That pity is really common - I wonder if it's also jealousy on some level? Although some people really don't desire LTRs, or can't do them.

In addition to what has been mentioned above, I would add: a sense of humor and a love of laughter.

I agree with this so much.

The advice to not "sweat the small stuff" and avoid the "grass is greener" trap are also very useful.

 

[infrasound]

I've always loved this quote:

"Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings infinite distances continue, a wonderful living side by side can grow, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it possible for each to see the other whole against the sky." - Rainer Maria Rilke

 

[theplayerking]

I live in an area with a medium-sized LGBT community, but there aren't a lot of long-term gay couples that I meet (probably related to my age group).

I'm sure they're there, you just don't know them. Couples, gay and straight, tend to socialize with other couples. If you want to meet couples you should join a gay club with a comparatively neutral activity, like cycling.

Younger couples tend to avoid the temptations of the bar/club scene.

 

[Lube]

I was really young when I entered into my relationship, and we've been living together for 15 years now.

Your 15-year relationship sorta confuses the issue of you looking for advice. Are you looking for advice or confirmation?

Although my relationships have so far been monogamous, I know a number of couples who've been together 10, 15, 20+ years in open relationships, and each is quite happy. So who am I to judge?

You need to share love, sex, laughter, sorrow, financial challenges, and compromise together. That's what makes a relationship.

 

[Kyanimal]

After 27yr. together, "My" Kev, and I, have melded our families together, helped raise three of his nephews (with their Mom), faced some tough times, and have had wonderful Fun times, have owned (and cared for) our house/home, and even, on occasions, "played" with other guys.

Through all that, we have built a History together. There is love, and trust, and the sharing of secrets. We know each other better than anyone else does. We are more than "comfortable" with each other.

Yet ... we have never felt as though we OWNED each other. We have supported, and promoted, each others' desires, wishes, and hopes. Our success has been built on Love, Honesty, Trust, Consideration, and (foremost) Respect! We are each others' biggest fans, and closest friends.

When we first got together, neither of us expected anything to continue beyond our first night together. What developed "after" was more of an "accident" driven by circumstances and our reactions to them. Just goes to show, you never know what Life might bring your way!

Will we be together "Forever"?? I honestly don't know! Only Time, and future events, will tell. But, I think we both HOPE that we will! And, in the mean time, the best we can do is to continue enjoying each others' company and companionship!

Keep smilin'!!
Chaz

 

[infrasound]

Your 15-year relationship sorta confuses the issue of you looking for advice. Are you looking for advice or confirmation?

I'm not here for advice on my relationship or confirmation. I was actually hoping people would answer the 4 questions I posted, or touch on those subjects. I was just curious about others' long-term relationships, and what keeps it going (besides love), the issue of monogamy, how being a couple affects how other gay/bi men interact with you, etc.... you know, the questions I listed in the original post.

As I suspected, there are people on this forum who've been in a relationship for MUCH longer than I have, and I wanted forum members to share their perspective and experience. That's all.

 

[infrasound]

After 27yr. together, "My" Kev, and I, have melded our families together, helped raise three of his nephews (with their Mom), faced some tough times, and have had wonderful Fun times, have owned (and cared for) our house/home, and even, on occasions, "played" with other guys.

Through all that, we have built a History together. There is love, and trust, and the sharing of secrets. We know each other better than anyone else does. We are more than "comfortable" with each other.

Yet ... we have never felt as though we OWNED each other. We have supported, and promoted, each others' desires, wishes, and hopes. Our success has been built on Love, Honesty, Trust, Consideration, and (foremost) Respect! We are each others' biggest fans, and closest friends.

When we first got together, neither of us expected anything to continue beyond our first night together. What developed "after" was more of an "accident" driven by circumstances and our reactions to them. Just goes to show, you never know what Life might bring your way!

Will we be together "Forever"?? I honestly don't know! Only Time, and future events, will tell. But, I think we both HOPE that we will! And, in the mean time, the best we can do is to continue enjoying each others' company and companionship!

Keep smilin'!!
Chaz

Sounds wonderful, Kyanimal! Thank you for sharing your perspective!