'You've Gotta Love Yourself'

[matt1980111]

I'm a 21 year old, overweight college student who has never been in a relationship (or anything close to it) that suffers from really low self-esteem. And no matter what I do, I still can't change how I feel about myself. Recently, I've taken measures to change my self image. I've started working out, changed my style of dress, dyed my hair, among other things to try and raise my self-esteem. And you know, I'm a work in progress and I've accepted that. But I still don't think I'm worthy of finding that one true love that everyone dreams of.

I look in the mirror and can't help but cringe. I'm just not happy with myself. And eventually, no matter what I do, I'll end up thinking that I'll never fall in love and have someone love me. I've tried to be really happy with my personality (I've been told I have a great, although sometimes horribly negative, one) but it's always spoiled by how awful I feel about my outter core.

I always hear people say, 'Before someone else can love you, you gotta love yourself first!' And you know, I think there's some truth in that statement. You need to have confidence in yourself. But I'm confused. How can I learn to love myself?

No matter what I do, I'm not happy with the results. But I really want to have my 'I'm Here' (from the 'Color Purple') moment you know? I just want to be happy with who I am because what I'm doing at the moment is not working.

 

[KölnElch]

Hey you, I got similar problems as you, and I'm already 32 and still virgin and single. I'm a bit overweight, but got also some other physical "turn-offs".
As far as I can say to ourselves is, that it's not about dying hair and working out to change our self image. It's gotta be some interior button to be switched, but I still don't know how to do that.
I feel too old to begin with love and sex and all that, I feel too old to go out and too ugly to have the right to style. I just can't love myself, and I don't care about my interior values, though I've heard they're fine.

I had my threads in here already, still i can't switch this button. Therapy didn't help either.
It can just come from inside, but I still don't let it happen.
Maybe you find a way to push this button.

I think I'm gonna follow this thread a little

 

[Muscles4daze]

It seems to me that your self esteem issues stem from your appearance. Continue doing what your doing, going to the gym, buying clothes etc. You will find someone, everyone is not caught up on looks, personality does matter. Kevin james does not have the body of a god, but I think he is sexy as hell, and I wish he was gay.

 

[G-Lexington]

A good first step towards loving yourself is loving what you love, if that makes any sense.

What do you like? I like cartoons, and writing, and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, and obscure 80s music, and T-shirts with weird things on them. So I watch cartoons, and write a lot, and eat pb&j sandwiches, and listen to obscure 80s music, and wear T-shirts with weird things on them. And I do all these things with a blithe confidence. If someone says "Why do you wear such weird shirts?", I don't crawl into a hole and mumble "I dunno". I say, "I saw this shirt, and I thought it was really cool, and I bought it. It's one of my favorites."

And I think that's key. Finding what you like, and embracing it, is a huge step towards loving yourself. If you love going to the gym, or love the results, then yeah - go nuts. But if you're going to the gym solely because "I'll never get a man otherwise", then I don't think you're in it for the right reasons. Because fat people do meet other guys, they do get into relationships, and they do get laid. Yes, they're less likely to turn heads when they walk into a room, but so are average-looking guys. They just may have to do a bit more work.

So whatever else you do. I'd implore you to take stock. Who am I? What do I like? And then DO it. BE it. And LOVE it.

Lex

 

[Lemonade]

Most people have experienced the feelings of inadequacy you have. They're not necessarily associated with you being overweight. (i.e. the jock whose stupid, or the skinny geek or the normal guy with acne, etc etc.)

Sometimes, even if you solve one "problem", another arises. You can't really be thinking about physical "issues" your whole life, or you'd end up a very unhappy person. Think about the gay guy whose had guys hit on him his whole life and one day loses his hair and grows old (and doesn't age well) and is still single. How will he cope? He might not be able to.

I believe many things are blessings in disguise, and what you wish for may not be what's best for you in the end. Make the most of what you have, because it's all you'll ever need to succeed and live a passionate life.

 

[matt1980111]

So, it's been quite some time since I last posted and I think today would be an appropriate day to reply.

First, I want to thank all of you that posted a reply, trying to help me with my problems. They really helped and I've been putting what you guys said (mostly GL) to use.

Since I last posted, I really try to focus on what makes me happy; what I really like. And while I'm still trying to feel all that out, I've found delight in two things: singing and working out.

So far, I've lost 10 lbs and I feel great. Everyone keeps telling me they see a difference in the way I look and I can tell in the way my clothes fit.

I've taken up voice lessons in school and things are really working out pretty good. I love music and I love learning about music. I'm not American Idol worthy yet but who knows? Maybe I'll be in the future.

Now, I still have my bad days. Days where I'm not optimistic; days where the loneliness overpowers every good feeling I have etc.

I know that it'll take time for me to feel better about myself (like Leona sings, 'It'll all get better in time') but I can't help but find myself craving that change overnight. I think that's the hardest part: allowing the time that I'll need.

But thanks a lot guys for listening. I'll be giving updates sporadically in the next coming months for those of you who want to keep up with me. Thanks a bunch!

 

[KaraBulut]

Just to give you some insight into something, let's contrast your first post and your latest post.

I'm a 21 year old, overweight college student who has never been in a relationship (or anything close to it) that suffers from really low self-esteem. And no matter what I do, I still can't change how I feel about myself. ..
I look in the mirror and can't help but cringe. I'm just not happy with myself. And eventually, no matter what I do, I'll end up thinking that I'll never fall in love and have someone love me...

Since I last posted, I really try to focus on what makes me happy; what I really like. And while I'm still trying to feel all that out, I've found delight in two things: singing and working out.

So far, I've lost 10 lbs and I feel great. Everyone keeps telling me they see a difference in the way I look and I can tell in the way my clothes fit.

When you step back from these two posts, they seem to be from very different people.

The first post starts by discussing your shortcomings and why you don't measure up to your own standards.

The second post tells us more about yourself, what you enjoy and what makes you an interesting and fun person to be around.


Most people don't want to be around people who are negative and put themselves down. It's much more pleasant to be around someone who has a more positive outlook, someone does interesting things and has interesting things to say and someone isn't self-absorbed with their own short-comings.


It seems that you're beginning to turn things around. There will be bad days. But keep in mind that your goal is to be someone that you would like to be friends with and to be the person that you would want to date.

Congratulations on your progress.

 

[crubbed]

A good first step towards loving yourself is loving what you love, if that makes any sense.

What do you like? I like cartoons, and writing, and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, and obscure 80s music, and T-shirts with weird things on them. So I watch cartoons, and write a lot, and eat pb&j sandwiches, and listen to obscure 80s music, and wear T-shirts with weird things on them. And I do all these things with a blithe confidence. If someone says "Why do you wear such weird shirts?", I don't crawl into a hole and mumble "I dunno". I say, "I saw this shirt, and I thought it was really cool, and I bought it. It's one of my favorites."

And I think that's key. Finding what you like, and embracing it, is a huge step towards loving yourself. If you love going to the gym, or love the results, then yeah - go nuts. But if you're going to the gym solely because "I'll never get a man otherwise", then I don't think you're in it for the right reasons. Because fat people do meet other guys, they do get into relationships, and they do get laid. Yes, they're less likely to turn heads when they walk into a room, but so are average-looking guys. They just may have to do a bit more work.

So whatever else you do. I'd implore you to take stock. Who am I? What do I like? And then DO it. BE it. And LOVE it.

Lex

Lex, I just wanted to say that I always look forward to your posts. They're brilliant and helpful. Thank you for being on this board.

 

[G-Lexington]

Keep kicking ass.

Lex

 

[matt1980111]

It's been quite some time since I last updated everyone and I feel it's time for a little update.

Since I've last posted, a lot has happened for me. I moved out and got my first all by myself (a ton of drama but that's a different post for a different day), I passed all my classes in school, had some great experiences and am mostly content with my life.

I say mostly content because I'm not exactly where I want to be in life. I haven't finished school yet (like most of my classmates from high school), I don't have the perfect job and I'm not dating anyone.

And there are days where it's really difficult for me to be happy. Where I see others and long for what they have. And the desire to have someone special around gets overwhelming. But then I look at all I have.

I've been blessed in so many ways. My situation could be so much worse than what it is. I may not be where I want to be but I'm in quite a good place. I'm in school, I have my own apartment (although I can barely afford it...having you own place is rough!!) and I have a pretty secure job (knock on wood).

So, I'm content with where I am at in life. I know there's more to come and I'm looking forward to it. I now know that a lot that happens to me is a result of my actions.

 

[G-Lexington]

They say that life is a journey, not a destination. And I think that's really accurate. It sounds like your journey is currently a lot better than it was, and it looks like you're pointed in the right direction.

And, as I said before, keep kicking ass.

Lex

 

[saymyname]

Oh, you poor thing, you aren't even out of high school yet. I think most gays would agree, life after high school is so much better. Hell, most people in general would agree. But my college life is so much better - great friends, relationship(s), having a sex life, nightlife, etc. Relocation helped in my case, but anyways, take Lex's advice and keep working at it. Of course losing weight could help your own self image, but there's plenty of bigger people out there who get laid and love like everyone else.

 

[spencer]

do you have good friends to spend time with?

 

[asian87]

I'm sorry about you being not happy of yourself and that is no good. I have to tell you that I wasn't happy with myself for I found myself too thin. And yes comments were painful. I tried and gain some weight but I lost them soon because I'm just like that. I am learning to love myself and results are coming. It demands lot of work and time but I'm not as bothered as before.

Then you should know that you are not ugly in eyes of other people. We all have some preferences which make us like some characteristics in people. That said, I have a weakness for chubby guys and I know that some guys prefer thin guys.

Stop hurting yourself.