10 Year monogamous relationship transitioning to open relationship

[brasilboy1]

Hello boys,

I met my partner Paul 10 years ago and we've been together since. Over the last few years, our relationship has been on more and more shaky ground. Last night was the most difficult yet. Nearly all of the tension in our relationship revolves around sex. Sex has become extremely rare; the last few attempts have been complete failures with either just one of us or neither of us reaching climax.

When we first began having sex, he didn't like topping and practically insisted that I be the top in the relationship. I was okay with that, because to be honest, I have a hard time bottoming for him — he's large. About six years ago, he expressed interested in topping. I obliged and to my surprise; it went well. I wasn't long after that, that our love making took-on a transactional nature — a keeping tally — of how many times I bottomed and he bottomed. From this point forward, our love making became more and more sporadic. This last dry spell has been the worst.

About a month and a half ago, we had a serious conversation about the status of our relationship. We both agreed that we loved each other immensely, but that something was missing. We agreed to explore an open relationship and setup a Grindr profile for us. After our first encounter, it was clear that I had some emotional issues from my past I hadn't dealt with. It wasn't so much the idea of someone else fucking him that bothered me. It's just the person we met lit up about a dozen red flags. I am okay with an open relationship, just looking for support on how to proceed I guess.

Thanks

 

[cabinfever]

Sometimes sexual compatibility is not part of an otherwise perfect combination.

This happens in alot of relationships and this is also one of the good things about being gay. Gay people have better tools to use and navigate with for alot of reasons but the best one is if you are openly gay then you already either ignored or rejected or have come to terms with the shame and guilt that is forced on us. Straight people in the same situation are often fucked because of the shame and guilt that comes with "SEX" and all the purity virgin mary crap.

 

[KaraBulut]

... I am okay with an open relationship, just looking for support on how to proceed I guess.

Well, then the two of you need to talk about what "open" means and set some ground rules. The ground rules aren't there to stop "cheating", they are there to protect your relationship. You still need to continue to work on the relationship because fucking someone outside of the relationship will create new problems that you did not anticipate.

As cold as it sounds, the third person is there to satisfy a purpose. Be clear on what that purpose is. Sex outside your relationship needs to be "just sex". It should not be anything more. If it becomes something more, it's because the two of you haven't fixed the relationship and no amount of "new firewood" is going to keep the fire alive.

 

[TX-Beau]

I'm going to scream something because it's important...

OPENING UP YOUR RELATIONSHIP DOES NOT SOLVE RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS!

It's not a fix. Trying to do this for that reason will surely kill what you have, and for a whole lot of guys that is surely the point. SOOOOoooooooooooooooo many times guys do this because they just don't want to read the writing on the wall. That's why so many guys insist that open relationships can't work.

They can of course, but you have to already be absolutely, fucking rock solid to begin with. There is a HUGE difference between abstraction, and the reality. If what you want is out, get out. This won't solve the issues you have with anyone - you'll both fuck around, and nothing between you will change - another cock can't fix that.

 

[jaysizzles]

It's great that you "love each other immensely" and can talk openly about this, this makes me think your relationship is not doomed, but I question as to whether the open relationships with others help to bring the 2 of you closer to each other sexually? If you're not able to get it up for each other now but you're able to get it up for another person, I don't see how your intimacy problems with each other will improve. Seems to me it'll just give you both an excuse to not have sex alone with each other.

I'm not saying that you don't open your relationship up, all I'm suggesting is that you look for ways to excite each other when it's just the 2 of you. Perhaps you get away for long romantic weekends occasionally, try role play, dirty/sexy talk, light bondage, fulfill each other's fantasies, etc...mix it up! Continue to openly talk and, if you have "red flags", then don't do whatever triggers them...trust your instincts.