18 y/o who needs help coming out!

[Megamede]

Hey Guys,
Im new at this and this is my very first post so I dont really know what im doing :/
Anyway, main problem, I need help coming out! Im a 18 y/o gay (or bi, I dont even know) male. I been thinking a lot more than ever that its time to come out. I first want to do it with my friends. I have a group 8 friends who I love to death who I hang out with every weekend and there all within a year age difference. Were all really close. And I've just been feeling that I'm being dishonest with them. I really want to come out to them but theres this paranoid feeling that I've been having on that they will just say their okay with it but then gradually push me out of their lives. I know the saying is that if they cannot accept you for who you are then they arent your real friends but I cant imagine my life without these people. Im closer to them than my family. Thing is, I dont know if its the right way to do this, but the next time were together having drinks and stuff that I'll come out to them.
Should I take one aside and tell him alone?(I have one in mind if I do that, someone who i have a crush with but i feel that I'm closest to and that I can tell anything) But where would I go from there?
Should I just make an announcment and say that IM GAY!?
Should I joke around about it or should I cry about it?

Im sorry if my story is all over the place its just that I've never said anything to ANYONE about this so your literally the first people to know. I shaking right now. Please Help!

 

[altlover85]

If you have feelings for someone, I wouldn't necessarily tell that person first because you don't want it to slip that you have feelings for them and have the person feel awkward if he doesn't have feelings back for you.

I would tell someone else that you feel close to. Are these high school friends or college friends?

Are you going to college or in college?

Congrats on thinking of coming out.

 

[hotatlboi]

Well I think you know your friends better than strangers would. Do they seem like accepting people? Are any of them homophobic or do they say intolerant things?

If not then you will probably be fine, and you'll feel much better once you're being totally honest with your friends.

I would just mention it in a casual way, not like it's the most important thing about you, just as something else they might not have known. Don't "cry about it" that's overly dramatic and silly.

 

[Megamede]

Well I wasn't planning on telling that guy that I like him (I may be confused but im not totally crazy) And this is my senior year in high school. I think once I get in college it wont be that big of a deal. Its just you all know what high school is like and it might not be the greatest thing that word got out. :/ Whatever, shit happens.

And my friends are pretty accepting people. They dont usually crack jokes about gay people and when they do even I can tell that its purely for humor and not to offend anyone. I never get offended. Two of the girls in out "group" are pretty religious but I've known them all my life and cant see them being unaccepting. Im just imagining the worst case senario. Your probably right, I shouldn't make it a big deal. Its just reassuring hearing other people who might have had to go through a similar situation and to get my story out there.

 

[altlover85]

Do you have a support system outside of these friends?

 

[Chadknowslaw]

When I first came out, most of my friends said "Duh! We knew already" I was so scared to tell anyone my secret and it wasn't really a secret. Telling the first person was the hardest, and then it got easier and easier.

There were definitely some hard times -- my family was not very accepting at first. I was told I could not bring any "friends" home. My mother was afraid my coming out would make everyone think she was a bad parent. She thought it would affect my dad's business relationships. There were a LOT of tears. They all came around and now the family have become gay rights supporters.

It did not take long to find other gay men my age and it really helped to surround myself with other out gay men. Eventually I felt like I had gone from ugly duckling to self-confident beautiful swan!

After coming out, I went through my first "I am in love with him but he is not in love with me" (that first was damn sure not the last) and then my first boyfriend, followed by breaking up with my first boyfriend and thinking I would never love again. After a few boyfriends, I saw a pattern -- after each boyfriend I learned more about myself and what I wanted out of a relationship. Every relationship has been better than the last.

You have some tough hours ahead of you in your coming out. Most of your friends already know and are just waiting for you to tell them. Some people will not accept you but seriously, you don't need them. I figure there are 6 billion people in the world and they ain't all gonna like me, but then I don't like them all either!

 

[bankside]

Megamede, when you were born, I had just graduated high school and entered university. When I finished high school, it definitely would not have been good if word got out. Yes, I would have had a few supporters, but honestly I'm not sure how many of them would have had the courage to be supportive in public, and I don't know how many would have had the courage to help me face down the bullies that certainly would have tried to make my life hell. Eighteen years ago, everyone knew better, but they just didn't behave better.

Things were changing though. Two years is all it took...two years after high school, things had changed socially and politically, and a whole bunch of the high school crowd grew up. People were judged less on the things their parents could buy for them, and more on their own accomplishments...you were two years old, I guess.

I found the courage to come out at university. In a way I was never in the closet before, because all through high school I just avoided people and avoided thinking about relationships so I wouldn't have to deal with it. So maybe it would be fair to say I only realized I was in the closet for a couple of months before I had to come out. All in all it was pretty good, and if you could tolerate psychologically isolating yourself for all of your high school years so you didn't have to think about your sexuality, then it was a pretty good time. LOL. It sounds a little twisted now, looking back and seeing how much I isolated myself in high school so I didn't have to think about it. But it was probably pretty average as things went at the time.

But finally! I came out! I met new friends, figured out who my real friends were from high school days most of whom stayed with me and weren't weirded out at all. Many of them actually got closer to me because I was no longer avoiding them for fear of letting the cat out of the bag. I tasted liberty and never looked back.

If I were to look back, another 18 years to the time I was born, it was only a couple of years before that it was still illegal to be gay. So I think I got an okay deal out of it.

Now it is your turn. The timing is up to you, but there are a few things to consider:
1) You lose nothing if some homophobic asshole drops you as a friend.
2) You'll keep many and probably most of your friends depending on what kind of community you live in. You'll make new friends who appreciate your honesty and like you for who you are, if not this year then next.
3) The timing is up to you. And who you tell is up to you.
Some people will advise you to come out no matter what, and take the consequences. I don't buy that. My advice is always this: You need to secure your future. Depending on your family situation, coming out could even endanger paying for your education or living expenses. If you have good reason to believe your parents or family would be both homophobic and vindictive, my advice is not to come out to them until after you have graduated and you're employed. In fact, this is the one situation I can think of where I would actually suggest lying to people. Sometimes even ignorant people will come around and be supportive - my mom did pretty quick - but it is not worth complicating your future if they repay your honesty with cruelty and hardship.
4) only you can judge who needs to know first. No decisions need to happen today. It is your private life, and unless one of your friends is trying to date you, it is none of his or her business.
5) but damn it's good. I'm out. Not because I announce it but just because I don't hide it. I have the respect of my friends, my co-workers, my neighbours, my family. There's a picture of me and my guy on my desk at work. I have lost only a small handful of people over the last 18 years to their own ignorance, and I don't miss them.

Stick around and tell us how it goes.

 

[Lube]

You'll be fine. You sound very mature, and so do your friends.

Yes it is scary at first, but it feels soooooo good when you finally stop living a lie.

 

[JasunStrikesBack]

Chad's right... It's always a much bigger deal to us than it is to them. Half will think it's cool they have a gay friend, the other half will probably be just fine with it.

The girls will either ask you if you'll go shopping for shoes with them or try to fix you up with their gay friends.

When I finally told all my school friends, they mostly reacted with "yeah... um... we knew that." A few were surprised. But most just took it for what it was and moved on.

It sounds like you're putting too much thought into it. Just do it. Don't "wait for the time to be right" or try to cry or laugh or fake anything.. just let it be what it is.

 

[KaraBulut]

Should I take one aside and tell him alone?(I have one in mind if I do that, someone who i have a crush with but i feel that I'm closest to and that I can tell anything) But where would I go from there?
Should I just make an announcment and say that IM GAY!?
Should I joke around about it or should I cry about it?

You know your friends, your high school and your situation better than we do.

Coming out is a selfish act- it's something you do for yourself to put an end to the lying and so that we can have more honest relationships with people close to you. And in that vain, it's also something that you should do only when you're sure that it will not adversely affect your safety, your financial stability and your future.

If you have a pretty laid-back and open-minded high school, then you don't have to worry. On the other hand, if your high school is in a more rural area and there's the possibility that you're going to be harassed, then it would be better to wait until you're closer to graduation (or until you have graduated).

And the same is true of parents. If your parents are accepting and open-minded, then you should tell them when you're ready. On the other hand, if they are not going to be accepting and this can affect whether you have a home, a college education or if they are involved in evangelical anti-gay activities, it would be better to wait until you have financial independence.

As for how you come out to friends..... you know your friends better than anyone, so you can decide which way works best for you.

You can take your closest friends aside and tell them individually. Give them a chance to talk and ask questions. After you've told the close friends, you can pretty much assume that the gossip mill will take care of letting everyone else know.

Or you can tell your closest friends and then have a coming-out party and tell everyone else. This worked very well for a friend of mine- so well that he repeated it a few times. "Hey, AJ's parents are out of town. Why don't you have another coming out party- the last one was a lot of fun?"

 

[backpacker]

There is not a right or wrong way to do it. You know the dynamics of the group and that plays into how you should approach the situation. It sounds like you already know they will be accepting, which is a great thing. Are any of the others in your group who are gay and out?

I would only single one person out to tell if it's going to be seeking help in coming out to the others. If one of the other friends is gay, that would be the logical person to tell. I would make sure you tell the others immediately afterwards. I'm sure the group would understand why you picked another gay person to come out to first. Barring that, you risk someone feeling slighted and creating undue tension in the group. I do think it's a bad idea to single out the person that you have a crush on to tell. He may already suspect that you are interested in him and his reaction may be to immediately tell you he's not gay. Those will be very hard words to hear and it would be best if you had the support of other friends if that happens.

I'm leaning a little bit toward the group announcement, but once again I don't know your circle of friends. I think the group announcement prevents the "why didn't he tell me first" hard feelings. Good luck!

 

[Dreamer89]

I say be careful who you tell when you come out. I think a lot of gay guys first mistake is not knowing their friends and family enough and when they say it... It backfires, for example my family is very conservative and they do not support nor believe in gay rights. They think gays should be "cured" IF your family is like that be careful! Also know your community if their not very diverse they may react badly if your too open with your sexuality. Like holding hands with your boyfriend might lead to glares and being bullied or worse...

 

[BostonPirate]

when it feels dishonest if you DON'T tell someone, then you need to make the relationship honest.

That is an individual thing. We all have individual comfort levels. I tell my friends.

I also don't feel like I have to hide anything from anyone, and if people see me out on a date with a man, or at a gay club, then I just deal with that as it comes. I am not interested in hiding.

No one should have to.

 

[barnbuddy]

I came out first to my oldest friend and then my best friend when I was 18 - it was scary but in the end definitely a good move. Both were guys and fairly open minded and straight, but we had talked enough about everything for me to have an idea how they'd react. You know your friends, so you know which ones have been cool about gay issues, so use that as your guide. It doesn't sound like you want to come out to your entire HS, so also consider who is loves to gossip, and who likes to drink -

Good luck

 

[Megamede]

Wow!! Thanks so much everyone! I feel so much better hearing this advice for the first time in my life. You guys also made me feel pretty lucky on how I truely do not think that my friends nor my family will have any problems with me being gay compared to other people's stories. Im just going to let things happen and hope for the best.

I'll keep you all posted if anything happens. Thanks again!

 

[Chardius]

Good luck Megamede, If something doesn't go as well as it should, there are resources available to you. For one we're all here .