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1st and only boyfriend dies. can't tell anyone about it.

J

jayxx2

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Joined
Nov 30, 2005
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yeah so... steven was my only boyfriend though we argued a lot and i always told him i was never coming out of the closet and wouldn't move in with him. he died 2 days ago.

since i am not out i have no one to tell. he and i talked every day. we went through a hell of a lot. he had a very bad childhood and a lot of medical problems due to diabetes.

the hospital called to tell me that he was dead after i sent a mututal friend to go and check on him when i hadn't heard from him in 24 hours. he was found on the floor of his apartment.

he was 29. he was much more into emotions and feelings than i am. i miss him so much it is ripping my guts out. i've cried for days now, alone, sometimes in my car, sometimes in the closet - how ironic.

everytime i look at something i am reminded of him. 1/2 of me wants to sleep the other 1/2 wants to cry.

thats all i have to say.
 
I am so sorry to hear that, I prey you can get through this. Sorry for your lost.
 
I am very sorry for your loss. I know I won't ever be able to understand or feel how you feel right now but rest assured that you have my condolences and if you need to talk about anything, we're all here for you.
Much love
Lukas
 
My condolences on your loss. Do you have any gay friends around that can help you through this or anyone you might consider coming out to, to help you vent or express your feelings about your loss? We are here to listen, but having someone to give you a real hug would be good right now.
 
Sorry for your loss. If there is a glbt organization in your area that might have a group for partners who have pass away. It may be good to talk it out with others who have gone through the same situtation.
 
I'm so sorry this has happened. I can't imagine your grief and pain. I pray that you will find comfort in the coming days.

Why not tell people he was a close friend. Everyone has friends that of the same sex. Doesn't mean they are gay. Find someone you can trust and share your secrete. Something like this is way too difficult to go through alone. Nobody should have to do that.

I will keep you in my prayers. I hope your pain lessons every day.

Steven.
 
thanks all. dunno what to say back. i'm not handling this very well. i just keep seeing things everywhere i look that remind me of him. i never admitted to myself how much he meant and i still grab the phone at the speed of light thinking that he is calling.

there really are no people around my immediate vicinity to tell about this.

if i were to mention to family that a friend died i would breakdown within seconds and it would be an overwhelming response.

i know that this is suppossed to get better with time but right now i just want to cry/sleep/die all at the same time. i know it will eventually pass but i don't want it to - it is all i have left of him.

he's probably laughing now because he used to say all the time how i had a heart of stone.
 
small update: his family does not have the money to bury him and have emailed me to ask for any funds. I shall pay for the whole thing. He deserved the fucking best.
 
Has the thought crossed your mind that this might be a good time to come out, since it sounds like that's what he would have wanted you to do? And with your grief and all. It's not a bad thing, you know.
 
jayxx2, I know what you're going through. My boyfriend Jack, died back in August of 2008. He was 23. He died of leukemia. I didn't even know he had passed until I got the call while I was at work. I was insane with grief. I didn't know how to handle it, I still don't. If you ever need to talk, I'm here for you.
 
You're in Ottawa, so here are a couple resources for you:

Marie Robertson, Counsellor (LGBT oriented, grief/bereavement, free consultation) 613/231-4347

http://www.pinktriangle.org/Eng/Wellness/start.html

http://www.gaycanada.com/pflag-ottawa/

There are a host of links with those where you can find a real, local person to talk to.

(I'm not sure of the rules of posting real names and phone numbers, so if I'm off with listing a Counsellor don't ban me :) just correct me please)
 
Does his family know you were his boyfriend? I can't imagine they'd ask you for funds if they didn't. And if so, can they by any chance be people you can talk to? Just a thought.

Hang in there.

Lex
 
thanks for the suggestions guys. i think i will call up a counsellor or something. i tried looking online but gave up quick.

despite all this, i am not ready to come out and that cowardis just makes me sit in the dark and hurt more. it is a ridiculous amount of pain that i have never had before, ever. not when family died before, not when mom 1st got cancer. i keep thinking that if i wasn't so selfish and fucking gutless he would be alive right now.

his family knew that i was his b/f, we met once or twice plesantly. it was just mine that didn't as they lived in another city and i was away from them - u ottawa, yippy. i wish i had never stepped foot in that city.

i was his listed next-of-kin emergency/contact for everything. i know they don't have a lot of funds. i don't care what it costs.

i only know a few ppl online via msn and stuff and none of them knew about steven or what he meant to me, especially since i didn't realize it myself.

gunna sleep now, i just don't want to be awake anymore today.
 
*hug*

Please wake up tomorrow and at least talk to his family. If they knew you two were together, then they're the ones you need to talk to about it.
 
there has been no word from his family today about when they will have any kind of service. the pain hasn't gone away and i find myself getting into my car and driving to a solitary street to cry. it seems to help.
 
Are you waiting to hear from them, or are you actively looking to talk to them? The second seems to be the better of the two.
 
actively calling/txting/emailing them. steven was always right- his family is fucked up. they appear to be arguing over who is makign arrangements. he named an uncle of his as having power of attourny months ago in case of emergency, the others appears not to agree with his speed of handling things. i just told them that that is what steven wanted. i've been told by the uncle not to mention money around the others. i really don't care what they do, i just want to see steven's body one last time. i find that crying in the dark when everyone's asleep helps. at least it exhausts you to the point where you can sleep again.
 
I'm so sorry for your loss. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I'm glad we're here to help as talking to people can be a great thing.
 
i have been looking for a help line or something like that but have been unsuccessful. i was hoping for some type of anonymous 24 hour line but i think i am out of luck.
 
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