1st and only boyfriend dies. can't tell anyone about it.

[bankside]

jayxx, I'm so sorry to hear your news. Don't let the commotion in his family get to you. He may have thought you had a hard heart, but as you make arrangements with them and get stuck between their own differences, I'm sure he would not want you to be overwhelmed by their chaos. Rest lots, and find your strength to get through this.
...
Selfishness? Don't confuse self-preservation with selfishness. If things were not always sunny between you, being honest about that is not selfish. Needing certain things in your life is not selfish. I'm sorry to know you couldn't always walk the same path in harmony with him, but that does not make this your fault.

 

[Halifaxboy8]

i have been looking for a help line or something like that but have been unsuccessful. i was hoping for some type of anonymous 24 hour line but i think i am out of luck.

http://www.goaffirmations.org/site/PageServer?pagename=programs_helpline

There's a number for you to call.

 

[Audio Tech]

Oh man, I cannot even begin to imagine what you are going through right now. I can only offer this: My heart truly goes out to you.

I am so very sad for your loss.

 

[jayxx2]

thanks all. after 4 days of crying in the car alone or in the shower or in the dark at night when the house is quiet it is starting to feel better. i dunno why by after going through a wad of kleenexes the next hour or two isn't so bad. mornings are the worst, i feel it the most then, like being kicked in the guts. it has been 5 days now since he has been gone and there are still no arrangements from his family on the funeral. my own other is now being moved to palliative care for the last week or so she has left. i am getting anxious about not being able to see him 1 last time.

thanks for everything people. it helps to at least tell someone, even if they are just words on a screen.

 

[jayxx2]

http://www.goaffirmations.org/site/PageServer?pagename=programs_helpline

There's a number for you to call.

thanks a lot. i will try it.

 

[jayxx2]

i think closure it at hand. the service is set and i am going to get a chance to say goodbye. i already know this is going to help a lot.

 

[ucfknight12]

My heart goes out to you man, I wish there was more that I can say or do, but if you ever need to talk, I'll listen.

 

[thisisinteresting]

You need to find some emotional support. I understand if you can't come out to your family, sort of understand if you can't come out to your friends, but you can definitely find someone with whom you can talk. It's not healthy to not have a way to vent these feelings. There are people who won't care or judge you. Good luck sir and I'm sorry. *hug*

 

[jayxx2]

well... after a very rushed plane flight, i am back from the funeral for steven. i feel 90% better. i got some closure. he looked soo good. he always did. the coroner's report came back and it turned out he had a heart-attack brought on by high blood pressure and clogged arteries. i know it sounds stupid, but i feel better knowing that there was really nothing i could have done to stop something like that. i also got to take home some items that we shared. at the end, there was no more fighting. i thought that having them would make me breakdown more but instead they make me smile. that's a start that i'll take.

i still refuse to admit i'm anything but stone-hearted, but thanks to all who helped here. anonymous or not.. it meant a lot.

J.

 

[ucfknight12]

*hugs* I'll always be here for advice if you need it

 

[Audio Tech]

Jay.... you'll ALWAYS have someone to talk to here on JUB if you need it.

 

[mcbg22]

hey sorry for your loss I'm also from Ottawa so if you need someone to talk to, feel free to PM me. Dino.

 

[mac_twck]

You do not have to tell anyone that he was your lover, but telling people close to you that a friend died is, OK?

No one need to know the intimate details of your life if you do not want them to.

When my best friend died, I was inconsolable. I mean people knew we were friends but maybe they did not know how much, (we are both straight so just friends), anyway the point is to get the support of your friends and family. All they need to know is that someone close to you died and you're sad and need some help.

Mac

 

[operafan]

I am so sorry for your loss. I'm glad that closure is making you feel better. My BF passed away in December. I miss him every day but the pain is less. I hope that you can remember only the good things. That's what I've tried to concentrate on.

 

[ziliphin01]

Just cry it out and keep crying.. Takes time to heal but don't mess up now that he's watching you gotta make him smile in his afterlife yep

 

[Beaux1991]

this sounds like a perfect time to be a man! come out of the closet, grieve, move on! Just think what your bf must have gone through. I personally would think my bf didn't love me enough if he simply refused to acknowledge me to the world!

 

[JRT1987]

Wow, I know exactly what you went through man. I too am also still in the closet and right out of high school my first and at the time only boyfriend died in a car accident. It absolutely changed my life. My parents knew my best friend died, but they had no idea that we were in a relationship, sneaking around at night after everyone else went to sleep, experimenting together, and going through many firsts together.


I wish I could tell you the feelings will go away, but its been 8 years and I still think about him alot. His parents still live next door to mine and whenever I see his house I just miss him so much, and want one more chance to be with him.

Good luck in healing, and send me a message if you need anything.

 

[jayxx2]

a month later now and i'm doing better. i recieved some of his ashes today (the family finally sent me some). i shall keep them by my bed and bring them to europe next year like he always wanted. i haven't cried for a while, so i guess that's good. time does heal wounds... it just does it poorly.

thanks for all the messages people. they helped a lot.

 

[texan_slant]

I've been through loss; I have found that time doesn't necessarily make it easier, it's all in how you choose to deal with it.

Take care, and I hope that you continue to do better!

 

[xrph1670]

I just found this thread for the first time. I'm so sorry to hear about your loss, I can only imagine what you're going through. I, too, am deeply in the closet and understand the feelings you have about coming out. As many others have said on this thread, you'll always have JUB, and feel free to message me, too.